"Hope get up! You're going to be late!"
My eyes snapped awake at the sound of Mum's passive voice before I realised what had happened last night. The many things that had happened last night.
"Mum, I really don't feel well. Please can I stay home today?"
"Hope come on! I understand you might feel a little tired and overwhelmed but I can't leave you alone for the whole day. I also need you to pick up Martin after school. Come on, love, please get dressed. Why are you on the sofa?"
"I fell asleep after coming back from the back yard. I'm really tired and my head hurts. Please?"
"I'll speak to the nurse but you need to go to school."
Giving her an annoyed sigh, I got up from the sofa and locked myself in the bathroom. Amy was getting dressed and was silent when I entered our room. Both of us had puffy eyes but I still decided to tell her about Jarrett because I wanted to talk to someone.
"Jarrett broke up with me by text last night and Mum won't let me miss school today," I mumbled, keeping my head down as I pull up my socks. I heard her suck in a breath.
"That douchebag! Is he the reason you don't want to go to school?"
Partly. I didn't know, I just didn't want to go there. I shrugged and grabbed my bag.
I had a little cry while walking to school as well, but I made sure that no one could see me. It felt like all the energy had seeped out of my heart and now there's only the bittersweet black ink. The black ink was the misery and the pain that would plague my heart for days.
Jeez, I don't know why my drama teacher gave me an average grade at the end of Year 8, I dramatised situations so much that my brain could film a soap opera.
Avoiding the entrance where most people hung out before school, I rushed to the library and took the computer in the corner. Pen&Paper wasn't a blocked website because they had a feature for students so I logged into my account. I had a few comments on my latest, terrible poem but I decided to not look at them and just write a new poem. The newest comments had been quite hateful, saying that my poetry was terrible and that I didn't update enough, even though I excused myself.
Rabbit-hole
I stand on the brink
of the rabbit hole.
It feels like I've had too much to drink
because I can feel his soul
being added to my whole.
I can see a Wonderland
full of chances
If only life can stop whipping me with the lances
then I would pursue without
Caution
And then I fall, fall, fall.
My hands are no longer gripping
the real world
I was no longer tripping
If I could change this, I would.
I feel alive again
Light does away with the dark
If only I knew I would feel pain
If only I knew that life wasn't kind.
Despite my ignited soul,
Fear fills my every step
And I want to go back, back back
and erase all the pain.
My Wonderland darkens
The 'Eat Me' cake stops me from growing
I thrash and climb
But nothing can still save me from this mess.
The clock ticks, the sun rises
My shattered heart slowly sticks
Itself together
But I remain bittersweet and incomplete.
I write a quick note to the newest addition to my craptastic collection of poems.
I just wanted to scribble something down quickly for ya'll. I'm going through a bit of heartbreak and I'm still trying to find out what is going on and what happened before my accident so please bear with me. I love you all and thanks for your support.
I post it before the bell rings and I run to my form room. My head was kept down and I muttered a quick 'Good Morning' before sitting down. Letting my hair hide my expression,I wiped my tears away and at that moment I wished that I could have a hoodie. I beckoned Sav and Alice but they just gave me a 'wait' sign so I just slumped on the table and listened to what Miss Bennett had to say.
"Well done on the tournaments everyone! I am very proud. Let's keep up the good work when sports day comes by in a few months. You can chat amongst yourselves while I check your diaries."
I didn't have anyone to talk to so I continued on doodling in my planner. I should really get a different planner where I could write down ideas and doodle instead of ruining this one. I had already let Martin scribble over it so it was basically the school version of 'Wreck This Journal'.
"Hey," I looked up to see Alice.
"Hey."
"What's up?"
"The roof."
Alice rolled her eyes. "You know what I meant."
"Jarrett dumped me over text."
Alice adopted a concerned expression on her face before giving me a hug. I tried not to weep on her shoulder so I dabbed at my eyes with a tissue.
"What a jerk!" she said. "He was trying to flirt with Nina in Citizenship yesterday and was getting quite comfy with Love yesterday. Player!"
I wanted to scream at her and ask her why she hadn't told me anything but I remembered that went to the corner shop without anyone's knowledge. Alice and Sav linked arms and comforted me to Science. I just wanted to talk to them but they sat on the other side of the room and I had to sit next to Sally.
"Hello Hope," she smiled at me and I failed at returning it. Sally was a cheerful and positive girl that I'd gone to primary school. Her auburn hair and brown eyes were welcoming and she was always considered the nicest person in our class. I wanted to smile and be as light-hearted as her but I couldn't.
I took my seat and looked to the front where Mr Hughes was writing down the learning objectives and title. I hated Science, I didn't mind Maths like people mostly despise it, but Science was one of my most hated subjects, right after History and Geography.
He began talking about DNA and started explaining all 'those' things. I could barely concentrate, my head pounded and my eyes glazed with fresh tears. All I wanted to do was cry and feel sorry for myself. You probably think I'm some pathetic and weak girl that wants attention but right now I didn't care what anyone thought. I just wanted to get away from this place and have time to lick my wounds.
I inhaled loudly and if your breath can waver, mine did. My chest was getting tight and I had to take deep breaths. I fished for my water bottle and took a sip but it tasted like old water, despite having filled it up this morning. I didn't know why my body was reacting this way, sure, I felt miserable and I had had a lot of bad news in the past day but I had always tried to smile through the pain. I could feel Sally's brown eyes on me but I continued taking notes and attempting to listen to Mr Hughes.
"Hey, um, I'm inviting all the girls in our form to my birthday sleepover and I was wondering if you wanted to come. It's on the 19th January." Sally stated and I looked up at her.
"I'd love to," I said and gave her a small smile. "I'll ask my mum."
"Cool. Text me if you're coming and I'll give you the details,"
I nodded and tried to swallow down the unknown anxiety crawling up my throat for the next forty minutes.
***
Alice and Sav had promised me that we would meet in the library at break and I could tell them what happened, including Paul's upcoming movement into our house. I waited, reading my book and anxiously checking the clock. Half of our break had passed and they still weren't there. I waited more, closing the book and bit my lip. The bell rang and my back straightened, the apprehension and disappointment filling my head.
I sat down at my table in History and got out all of my writing utensils. It was only Jarrett, Fred and I on the table, Alice and Sav still hadn't arrived. I looked down at my planner and started scribbling down random words instead of awkwardly looking around the room and pretending not to be staring at him. Mr Dollson began his lecture on the early 20th century when I spotted Love's clique make their way into the classroom. Mr Dollson was silenced and stared at them while they sat down. Alice and Sav sat down on each side of me and I gave them a questioning look.
"Ladies, would you like to tell me why you are ten minutes late to my lesson?" Mr Dollson looked at them. Amethyst swallowed uneasily and she exchanged a silent conversation with the others.
"Err...we had to help a new student get around the school Sir," Amethyst's voice wavered.
"Do you have a note for me?" Mr Dollson asked. Amethyst shook her head. "Then I will be expecting the five of you here at lunchtime. Take out your pencil cases and start taking notes."
Alice and Sav scrambled into action, guilty expressions on their faces. I tried to focus on his presentation but I wanted to know the real reason for why they hadn't come.
"What's the real reason for being late?" I whispered when Mr Dollson had left the room.
"We went to the corner shop," Sav replied. "Flirted with a few guys and then came back. That's it."
"Oh come on, you know the time the bell rings and you weren't late yesterday,"
"Fine," Sav said. "Penelope and Florence stopped us and asked if we could meet them at lunchtime in the manky toilets in Maths."
"What do they want?" I asked, confused. Penelope and Florence were girls in the year above us and they mostly kept to themselves. Sav's eyes widened at my expression before she regained her normal, relaxed face.
"Oh, right. Sorry. Um, they err sell some stuff,"
It took me a few seconds to figure out what she meant. My eyes widened. She gave me a glare to say shut up.
"Don't go!" I whisper yell.
"We're not buying anything silly! They're pretty much asking everyone to go," Alice says, latching on our conversation.
"But that's illegal! They're fifteen! Fif-freaking-teen!" I whisper yell at them.
"Jeez, stop being my mum and be my friend," Sav said. "For the last time, we're not buying anything. Honestly Hope, take a chill pill and lay back."
"Why?"
"Because this is not you. Ever since you came back, you've been trying to break us away from Love, Am and Kay. It's like the freaking accident ripped you into two and killed your good side,"
I stared at them in complete shock. Alice looked slightly off-put and uncomfortable, like Sav wasn't supposed to tell me, but Savannah just looked me in the eyes.
"I never-"
"Whenever you don't get your way, you make all these faces like you want us to pity you. I've had enough of your little stunts."
I looked away and at the board, where Mr Dollson had returned and was handing out sheets. I didn't want Alice, Savannah or Jarrett to see my eyes brimming with tears. I stayed silent throughout the two lessons and rushed into the cleaning supplies cupboard and locked myself there. I was too numb to eat or drink so I just stayed there and cried out every slither of emotion.
Had I been too caught up in my own problems to realise that I was trying to get people to pity me? I don't think I did, it was the complete opposite; I didn't want people to know about the accident and I had only told Amy, Alice and Savannah about Jarrett dumping me. I hadn't told anyone about Paul moving in and it should probably stay that way unless I wanted Alice and Savannah to be even angrier at me.
Was this the end of our friendship though? Had they handled so much of me that now they didn't want to be friends?
My head ached from all these thoughts and it made me cry harder and harder. I didn't want to go into my next lesson, I didn't want to talk to anyone but I also didn't want my friends seeing me this way and thinking that I'm looking for pity.
I wiped my tears, gathered my things and made my way out of the cupboard. I was going to go to the nurse's room and tell her I had a splitting headache and hoped that she would let me go home. I knew I had to pick up Martin after school but I was going to beg Amy to go and pick him up because I was shattered.
The nurse was slightly suspicious but she asked me which parent would be able to pick me up. Mum was working late, I didn't know about Paul, Dad and Katherine were back in London and I couldn't think of anyone else. Oh God, I would die of humiliation if I had to go to class. I gave her Aunt Katy's number and hoped that she'll pick up.
"Hello," my aunt's voice was barely audible but I could hear it. I nearly gave out a breath of relief.
"Hello, this is the nurse from Seacoast Secondary School. I'm afraid Hope feels very weak and sick and apparently her mother is working quite far away. I was wondering if you could pick her up," the nurse says. There's total silence for a minute before the nurse passes the phone to me and exits the office.
"What's up, poppet?" her voice rang into my ear and I wasn't even going to argue with her use of nicknames.
"I feel really bad and my head hurts like hell. I feel lightheaded and I can barely stand," I said. It was true, I felt lightheaded and I was exhausted from yesterday but I also wanted to escape Alice, Savannah and Jarrett.
"OK, the nurse will alert your teacher. I'll be there in a few minutes."
We ended the call and I sank back into the armchair opposite the nurse's desk. She had informed Mrs Billings, my maths teacher, that I was going to go home and gave me a glass of fresh water with a pain killer.
Aunt Katy was true to her word and was there to pick me up in 10 minutes. She helped me walk to the car and started the ignition key.
"Does Amy know?" she asked and I shook my head. We reached my house pretty quickly and I immediately changed in my pyjamas and crawled into bed. With the duvet over my head, I succumbed to the complete darkness and closed my eyes.
***
"She looked shattered, the poor thing," I heard a voice next to me. I could sense Aunt Katy pacing our room. "I'll pick Martin up, don't you worry about that. I don't want to break her sleep because Paul has to drive her to therapy. For Goodness' Sake Poppy, she's exhausted. I feel like she's not telling us something and with the accident and the news you gave them yesterday, it was bound to get a little overwhelming. I'm not blaming you, I'm simply looking out for my niece. OK, have a good afternoon,"
The door was quietly closed and I felt the tears rise to my eyes again. I didn't want them to pity me but that would've happened whether I came back home or stayed in school. I squeezed my eyes shut again and tried to relax.
Eventually, I heard running about and talking in the other rooms so I just lifted myself out of bed and went to see what was going on. Martin was running about as usual and Amy was sitting opposite our aunt, talking and drinking tea. They both shut up once Amy saw me.
"Hey," I croaked and sat down. "How was your day?"
"OK, I suppose. Listen, what's going on? I know what happened with Jarrett but did you just randomly get a headache or did you just cry your little heart out like you did in the back yard last night?"
I sat and looked at both of them before inhaling a deep breath.
"I guess there was something else as well. I told Alice and Sav and they were sympathetic for a while,"
I started telling them what happened and tried not to start crying again when I recounted the part where Sav had said that I was looking for pity. Perhaps it was child's play and I was overreacting but I felt hurt. Aunt Katy rubbed my back and Amy just stared at me in utter shock. Once I had finished, I wiped the few tears that were rebellious enough to escape my eyes and Amy brought out a few chocolate bars.
"I think it's time for relaxation, dear Hobbit Hopeless. Get yourself prepared, we're about to embark on a pilgrimmage to tooth decay and diabetes."
A/N Helloooo! I am back and ready to continue posting. I realised I needed a few days off writing and posting and I also got new glasses which are strong enough to gouge out my eyes but we'll forget that. It's been a vulnerable two weeks for Hope, so let's see if things get better in the next few chapters.
What did you think of Alice and Savannah? Do you think they did what's right for themselves (if you have a friend you don't really connect with and you cut them out of your life, it normally makes your life better...) or do you think they were wrong?
Opinions on this chapter? Things I can work on and improve?
Predictions for the next chapter?
Don't forget to follow me on Instagram (antoana0502) to get crappy edits, quotes, Wattpad book recommendations and more!
Antoana