Sina
Kush smoke lingering in the air from the blunt I just finished, I was lifted but that didn't take away the stress that I've been enduring. My mind was fucked up for the most part. Smashing the roach of the blunt into the empty styrofoam cup that once held lean, I rested my back against the couch. Faint gunshots sounded throughout the Nola, the usual around these parts.
As these series of events transpired, the only thing I actually wanted at the moment was a peace of mind and that was something that no weed nor drank could help with but something I could only get from a woman but not just any woman. Everything I ever said would be contradictory of what I said about the only woman that comes to mind at the moment...
I sighed before closing my eyes and pinching the bridge of my nose. My thoughts were all fucked up, it was difficult to think when all you heard was nothing but gunshots and sirens, I'm used to it but I'm tired of hearing it. The killer part is that with all of this shit going on with me, every homicide that happened out here will more than likely be put on me, involving me or not, these opps want me away for life, either locked up or dead. It doesn't sit right with me but when you're in this game with your name out there, it's never easy to dodge the bullet, metaphorically speaking, that is...
Opening my eyes, I took my fingers from the bridge of my nose and stood to my feet. I walked over to the old floor lamp in the corner of my living room and turned it off before making my way down the hall. I walked into my bedroom and grabbed my notebook off of my dresser before taking a seat on my bed. Sitting the notebook on my lap, I reached over and grabbed my headphones that rested upon my pillow. I placed them on my head before reaching into my pants pocket for my cell. I plugged my headphones into my cell as I began to scroll my cell for this instrumental I made a few months ago. Once I found it, I let it sound through the speakers. I opened up my notebook before grabbing the black ink pen from the spirals of the book.
As I let the beat ride my mind, I tapped the blank sheet of the notebook with my pen. I hummed a bit as I caught the harmony that I wanted to use. I started the beat over and began to write what I conjured up in my mind. I bobbed my head to the beat as I started the beat over once again. "Word got around that a nigga got shot, heard a nigga drew down and he bucked so his ass got popped", I sang as I stopped the music.
I grew frustrated so I scratched it out and wrote something else. I turned the beat on and hummed it before voicing it. "No one told me life would be this way. I swear nobody told me. Guess this is the game we chose to play. Crazy how it's always been the same. People dying every day, that ain't nothing new when you from downtown.", I sang as I let the beat ride. Without writing any longer, I just sang what spilled from my mind. "Phone just rang heard a nigga got, got. He was over in the east last thing that he heard, 6 shots. He ain't gettin no love from the cops, nobody got caught. Real talk when I heard who it was, heart damn near stopped...", I stopped as I threw my notebook across the room and snatched my headphones off.
"Fuck this shit", I said as I placed my face in my palms. I grew vulnerable as my thoughts led to what I was actually trying to make a song about. I'm fucked up because of this and ever since then it's been more adding to it, back to back. As I dwelled more into my thoughts, my phone rang. I sat up and gazed at my cell to see that it was Devin calling. I pulled the headphones out of my phone before answering. Placing it to my ear, I spoke. "What's goin on yungin?", I queried.
"Shit, I wanted to have a talk with ya, if that's cool yung. I was gonna stop by.", He spoke into the phone.
"Yeah, that's cool", I said.
"Aight, I'll be there", he said.
"Aight", I said before I ended the call.
Slipping my cell into my pocket, I stood to my feet and walked out of my bedroom. Walking down the hall, I made my way into my living room, turned the old floor lap back on and flopped down on the unoccupied couch. I was drained with life, period. I closed my eyes as my head rested on the armrest and soon enough I heard 2 car doors. I sighed out of frustration, I hate when I'm expecting 1 person and 2 show up. I sat up and gazed out the window behind me to see Devin and that young broad walking along the walkway. I took my hand from the blinds and stood to my feet and with that I heard knocking. I walked over to the door and opened it for them. They both walked in and Devin greeted me with dap and Briana walked in front of me and gazed at me with an apologetic stare. I folded my arms as I gazed down at her. "Sina, I wanted to apologize about being disrespectful to you, in your home, I got beside myself.", she said softly. "It shouldn't had went that far, I'm sorry.", she continued.
Bullshit, I'm not necessarily buying the bullshit ass apology that she's selling but I want her out my face...
"You good, next time, just watch ya mouth.", I said in an indignant tone as I took my attention away from her. "So what's good yung, what you wanted to talk about?", I queried wanting to get straight to the chase. A nigga had a lot on his mind and I'm tired as hell too.
Devin gazed at Briana. "Chill in the back so we can talk.", he said to her.
She nodded and made her way to the back room without saying a word. I watched her walk to the back before gazing back at Devin. "Hit this blunt with me", Devin said to me.
I sighed. "Aight, let's go on the porch", I said as I walked out of the front door with Devin following behind.
I took a seat on one of the few crates that were on my porch and Devin did the same. Pitch black due to the blown porch light, the only light that we had came from the moon which was peeking behind the trees and shit, that wasn't nothing. He took the blunt that rested behind his ear and sparked it up with the b.i.c lighter he grabbed out of his pocket. He took 3 pulls of it. He inhaled and exhaled before passing it my way. I took a pull and with that he spoke. "Man Aug, I've been thinkin about some shit man. We've been rockin for years and shit, but it feels like it's bad blood between us.", he said.
I inhaled and exhaled and passed it back before speaking. "You right, I caught hold of it and to be honest yung, we grown over here and the lil shit, disrespectin my crib, leavin old food and condoms in my shit pissed me off. The bitch ass attitudes and the fact that the broad you're fuckin with got too comfortable and gave me lip, knowin that me and my niggas had a serious situation to discuss. That shit doesn't mesh with my reality bruh, I'm out here tryin to make sure my business cool and my back is watched man, that lil shit would normally get a nigga murdered cause everybody know I don't give a fuck but since we've been rockin, you one of my day one niggas. Shit became tolerant to a certain extent so I'd just say some shit and go about my business but shit began getting out of hand. You're involved in this lifestyle I'm livin man, that lil fuck shit that's been bringin bad blood between us is because you don't seem to respect a nigga with a lot of shit on his plate. I let you crash over here and do ya thang with these broads, the least you can do is show some respect and make sure ya guest do the same, do that and you don't have to worry about me sayin shit to you. I can't be worried about this lil shit when a boat load of bullshit is sneakin up on me yung.", I said hoping he would get an understanding of where I was coming from.
He passed the blunt back my way as he exhaled. "I feel you yung and I apologize for that shit man.", he said. "The shit that's been goin on lately had my mind gone to be honest.", he continued.
I exhaled what I inhaled. "It's all good, I'm glad we got that shit cleared.", I said in response before letting off a chuckle. "Shit, I think that pussy had ya mind gone.", I said as I took another pull of the blunt.
He chuckled. "Naw nigga, I ain't never been pressed over pussy.", he said.
I exhaled. "Yeah, let you tell it", I said not convinced by his words. I passed the blunt back his way.
"There was a homicide over by A.j's crib about an hour ago, the old woman across the street that snitched and gave out his name to the opps the day them niggas sprayed at us. Hear say, her crib got broken into and she got knocked off.", he said.
I furrowed my eyebrows. "I swear to God man, if what I'm thinkin is true, these niggas tryin to set a nigga up.", I said. "What are the fuckin odds of a shoot out happenin and weeks later the old bitch that snitched gettin murked man, use ya head. Murphy bitch ass is goin to be all over my ass over that bullshit, I know it bruh.", I said bothered.
Devin furrowed his eyebrows. "Nigga cool out, this ain't shit new to you, been doin shit like this for years", he said. "I never thought I'd see the day that you give a fuck about this type of shit now, always been crowded by assumptions but they never found shit on you nor any of us.", he said taken aback.
"I'm startin to give a fuck yung. I have a family to take care of, especially my nieces man, they need a male role model, I'm not my brother's keeper, I am my brother. I don't want to be put away nor gunned down. At first I didn't give a fuck but after all the shit that's been goin on, I've realized how selfish I've been, playing around with my life, riskin a few heart breaks from those who actually give a fuck about my wellbein.", I said followed by a sigh. "I don't want my mama to lose another son to these streets. Shit, after losin my father, gainin a stepfather that fucked with that white heavy, to stay sane and just survive out here, I had to do what I had to do for myself and my family. Shit, what went down August 31st, 2010, it was a wake up call to a certain extent because I knew I had to grind harder while movin in silence, for my loved ones.", I said followed by a sigh."I never expected them to find his killer", I explained. "People die everyday in the streets of New Orleans. Unfortunately, death has become a way of life alongside of bein put away for life.", I said as clasped my hands together. "I can't become another statistic but gettin out of this lifestyle won't be easy yung, all these niggas out to knock me off, there's no gettin away from that shit without deadin them before they dead me but with that comes more niggas and more opp's. Like a never-ending cycle. I can't just pack up my family and leave, my family have lives here, if I'm distant from them, who knows if these niggas that's at my head try and hurt them to get to me and lastly I can't leave...", I said as stopped myself from saying something that I didn't want to believe.
Devin put out the roach, not catching onto my certain halt of the conversation. "I hear you yung, for the time bein, I think you need a peace of my mind.", he said and with that my cell vibrated in my pocket.
I reached into my pocket and grabbed my phone. I had a text...
"Hey, you may not hear from me for a while, I'm on punishment and I'm sneaking on my cell. I just wanted to say that I enjoyed our time spent, the conversation as well as my first kiss. Good night, I hope that you sleep well and before I go, I'll be praying every night that you stay out of harm's way, you and your family... Good night"...
A smile crept upon my face and for the most part, my mood changed at that very moment. I put my phone back in my pocket. "I think I got that peace of mind.", I said not necessarily talking to Devin.
"I know this is way off subject but I have a question yung.", he said.
I gazed ahead of me at nothing in particular. "What's that?", I queried.
"What do you think of Briana?", he questioned.
"I don't", I said nonchalantly.
He chuckled. "Nigga be real", he said.
"I'm as real as they come yung, you know that but shit, if you want me to be brutally honest, then aight; she's extremely attractive I'd admit that but I know she's tryin to get you to fall in love with her through pussy and I feel this way, just because you're attractive don't mean a nigga gonna wanna love you with ya fuckable ass. I hope she's bringin personality to the table cause lookin good and pussy won't get you nothin but a nut and child support.", I said bluntly.
He chuckled. "I feel you, but shit in all honesty, I've been checkin out her lil friend.", he said.
I furrowed my eyebrows. "Her friend huh? What friend?", I queried wondering if he was referring to one I haven't met.
"The one that be over here, pretty brown skin.", he said.
Tahari...
I chuckled."Nigga, you know that window open", I said referring to the bedroom window that Briana was occupying. "If y'all plan on stayin the night here y'all can. If not then lock up before y'all leave, I'm goin to bed.", I said as I got up and walked into the house and made my way to my bedroom.
I flopped down on the bed and took my phone out of my pocket. I went back to my text. "Good night lil baby, hit me up when you're off that"...