After coming home from Justin’s I creep upstairs on flop down onto my bed pathetically. I can’t believe myself. Did I actually let him hold me? I actually allowed that? I must have been on a happy high, right? That stuff happens sometimes. I admit, sometimes it’s hard to completely hate Justin. I mean, he’s good looking and I’m a teenage girl with raging hormones! The only reason I hate him anyways is because he’s cocky and arrogant and a complete flirt. He’s not even sincere, and it’s sickening. I cover my face in my hands and roll over onto my front. My breath warms my face and I crinkle my eyebrows together.
Am I any better? Sure, I’m not a player and I’m not full of myself. In fact, I am constantly pointing out my own flaws! But, I hate to admit, I flirt with him. Wait. What? I don’t flirt! I tease! That’s different, right? I tease and I taunt and I make sure he knows I’m not interested. That’s not flirting right? I hope not. It’s all just a joke anyway. We both know that. It’s too much fun to hate him. I love it. I love being sassy and loud and difficult around him. I’m way too friendly for my own good sometimes and truth is, I just love to hate someone. I love hating him. It’s almost a natural response.
I push myself up and pull my knees underneath me. I look out my window at the fading daylight. My eyes glaze over as I begin to think again. I do that too much. My own thoughts will be the end of me one day. I’m always afraid someone can read my mind. Maybe it’s because I’m sour and reluctant to admit stuff to myself and I don’t want other people to know things I haven’t figured out yet. What haven’t I figured out yet? I haven’t figured out how to please the art teachers or how I feel about being in the band.
How do I feel about being in the band? Truth is, I love it. It’s fun and I can just be myself. I’m crazy and spunky and sassy around the band. It’s like I can’t hold back anything. I try to keep cool at school and I try to be helpful at home, but around the Heartbreakers? It’s like something just snaps. It’s like I’m rebelling against me. It’s like freedom from my shackled cool, calm, and collected. Am I even cool, calm, and collected? More unanswered questions. Do I even know myself anymore?
~*~
I sit in the art room during my lunch with a pencil in one hand and a half-eaten sandwich in the other. The door is slightly ajar and Mrs. Boots is bustling around her room, hurriedly straightening everything up. I glance up at her. Her greying hair bounces as she skips around the room in some professional looking black heels. Her art smock is still around her neck and clay plastered on her hands.
I look back down at my sketch and my lips twitch. I’m unsure of whether to smile or frown at what I’m drawing. I set the sandwich down and use my fingers to smudge the harsh lines of the skull and cross bones out, creating a soft and worn effect. I sigh and lean back in my chair, staring at it.
I’d drawn the bottom of the skateboard Justin gave me. Sometimes I like to sketch things people have given me. When I was fifteen, my mom gave me a purity ring for my birthday. I still have the sketch of the silver ring inside an old sketchbook and stuffed on my shelf. I don’t even wear the ring most days. My mom hasn’t noticed but my dad has. He questioned me about it a few weeks ago and I told him it was because I forgot to put it on, which was the honest truth. I also get sick of people asking me why I have one. I look down at my hand and realize I actually put it on this morning. Weird, I don’t remember doing so.
Mrs. Boots knocks into a table and it scratches against the floor like fingernails on a chalkboard. My skin crawls at the sound.
“Sorry.” She mutters and hurries back to the back counter.
I nod an ‘okay’ and glance out the door since I hear the high-pitched giggling of a giddy school girl. Moments later a bleach blonde girl dances around the outside of the room with a huge grin on her face. A tall tan boy with spikey dark hair follows her. His hand holds hers as he pulls her to himself and presses his lips to hers. I gag and roll my eyes at the PDA. The boy suddenly pulls away and looks behind him into the classroom. That’s when I recognize the face.
My face flushes and my stomach flips. I feel the scowl begin to crease on my face as my breath hitches. What a complete jerk. How could he totally lead me on yesterday and be kissing a blonde bimbo today? Wait, what am I saying? He wasn’t leading me on. There isn’t even anything to lead. I hate him and he’s doing a good job of reminding me why. He gives me a crooked grin and drags the girl away. Now I know my face is burning a deep shade of scarlet.
Not even twenty minutes ago we were sitting in literature with him trying to get my attention and get me in trouble. He hadn’t even bothered to tell me about his new fling. When did this all happen? Why is it bothering me so much? Oh yeah, because it hasn’t even been twenty-four hours since he was telling me how desirable I was. It’s all just a joke. It’s always just a joke.
I groan, throwing my pencil down and standing up.
“Everything alright, Reese?” Mrs. Boots asks, stopping suddenly from her paintbrush cleaning.
“Bloody perfect.” I hiss and throw my sketch pad into my open backpack. I zip up my bag and throw it over my shoulder, running tense fingers through my hair. I’m overreacting. Justin’s not my problem.
Maybe it’s not even Justin that’s bugging me, maybe it’s the poor blonde Barbie that’s bothering me. She doesn’t even know she’s going to end up hurt, or maybe she does and just doesn’t care. She is with the school’s hottie, anyway. She’s probably pretty darn proud of herself. Poor soul.
I groan and readjust my bag on my back.
“Sure?” she asks, lifting an eyebrow at my sudden change of emotion.
“Couldn’t be better.” I force a smile and walk out of the classroom stiffly. My eyes scan the hallway and I don’t find anyone. Thank goodness, I do not want to even look at Justin right now. He’s such a lowlife.
I hunch my shoulders and shuffle my feet to my locker. That second of self-control I had yesterday towards him has completely vanished. If Justin even thinks about pushing my buttons today I will unleash my wrath.
~*~
Alex finds me at my locker after school and helps me with my stuff while I pull the skateboard from my locker. I swear everyone is staring at me. I huff and slam my locker, grabbing my bag from Alex’s tight grip.
“Someone’s sassier than usual.” He comments while jogging up beside me, slinging his skateboard over his shoulder, the red design on the bottom becomes visible.
I shrug and hope he doesn’t press the subject. He gets the hint and doesn’t say anything. We catch up with the others outside the school. I notice there is an extra person among the group. I realize that it’s the blonde girl from earlier and she’s perched on Justin’s arm. My teeth grind as I pick up on her fruity scent.
“Jessica is going to come to watch us practice.” Justin tells us. His eyes travel back to the pretty blonde who is smiling coyly at him.
“No, she’s not.” I say quickly, putting my hands on my hips.
The boys turn to gap at me. Justin’s brow furrows.
“Yes, she is.” He insists, shaking her hands off of him and stepping forward towards me. I challenge that by taking a step forward as well. His eyes sweep over my face with question. I return the look.
“And who are you?”
I tear my eyes away from Justin’s face to look at the blonde girl, Jessica, who has just now spoken. I clear my throat and cross my arms, looking at her perfectly plucked cocked eyebrow.
“I’m Reese, and I’m in the band.” I tell her, making sure to keep my annoyed tone obvious.
“It’s a boy band.” She tells me as if she’s saying the grass is green.
The boys glance nervously from me to her and I let out a snort.
“Not anymore.” I say under my breath.
She scowls at me and turns to Justin in confusion. I scowl back at her and hold up my middle finger after her face is turned away. Alex snickers while Sean shakes his head smiling. Kris and Austin exchange smiles. My lips turn upward, satisfaction growing in my chest.
Justin shrugs, “She’s the new member. We were going to introduce her tomorrow at the gig.” He says nonchalantly.
Her head whips over to me and I give her a sweet smile while waving my fingers at her in fake politeness. She scoffs at me. My face suddenly turns sour again.
“You could’ve done better.” She smirks.
I feel the heat rush to my face and my fists clench together. If she doesn’t shut her trap I’ll give her five reasons to keep it shut.
“You clearly have never heard her sing.” Austin pipes up, giving me a warm smile. I smile back at him gratefully. He nods.
Jessica shrugs, “I’m sure her voice is lovely, I’m just worried about her face soiling your posters.” She comments lightly. I pounce forward ready to strangle her but Alex and Austin grab my arms pulling me back. Justin steps in front of her and throws me a dirty look.
I mutter, “She started it!” but he just glares.
I stop struggling and Alex and Austin let go of me slowly. My face is still red with anger as I shove past them and throw my board on the ground outside the front doors.
The others follow and throw their boards down as well. As they take off I watch Jessica step onto Justin’s skateboard and Justin wrap his arms around her waist, pushing his lips onto her neck. My gag reflex is acting up as I watch and I turn my head violently, pushing off on my own. Anger boils in my veins.
I follow behind the Alex, Sean, Kris, and Austin carefully since I’m still getting the hang of this. I sway but slam my foot down and stop for a second whenever I think I’m going to fall. It was much easier with helping hands.
We finally get to Justin’s house and I hop off my board, picking it up and carrying it with me as I head up the driveway. We wait for Justin to open the garage door. Everyone is avoiding eye contact with him and Jessica. I notice Austin muttering something to Kris who nods in reply, his eyes lighting up with a smile. Alex has pulled out his drumsticks and is drumming a rhythm onto the garage door in impatience. While Sean stands beside me mirroring my crossed arms.
“She’s kind of rude.” Sean whispers to me. I turn my head upward to look at him. He’s wearing thickly framed glasses today and his dark hair is mused around his face. His eyes narrow when he looks down at me.
“Agreed.” I say quietly. I watch his eyes shift over to Austin and Kris who are laughing about something and I see a ghost of a smile appear. His face suddenly comes close to mine, “It’s not just me right?” he asks, nodding over to the pair of giggling boys.
I follow his eyes and watch Austin jump onto Kris’s back and Kris run across the driveway. Austin reaches over Kris’s shoulder and whacks the back of Justin’s head while he and Jessica make their way slowly to the garage door.
I look back at Sean and raise an eyebrow, “What?”
“They’re really close friends.” He mutters, putting extra emphasis on ‘really’. I have a feeling he’s implying something.
I look back at the pair of boys, now tackling each other.
I giggle and shrug, “Maybe.” I wiggle my eyebrows. Sean chuckles and jumps slightly when the garage comes to life, slowly opening up.
Once the door is open we walk in, throwing our skateboards in the corner. I walk up to my mic as everyone goes to their places. Justin lets Jessica sit on an amp and she smiles at him flirtatiously, pulling him in to kiss her one last time before letting him go. He strides over while slinging his guitar over his shoulder and flipping switches before passing me to get to his mic.
Before Justin can make it to his mic I pull mine off the stand and snap my fingers for Alex to start drumming out a beat. I begin to shuffle around the floor to the random beat. The other boys look at me expectantly, not knowing what to do. Justin stops in his tracks, watching me. He’s caught off guard. Perfect. This will give me time. If this girl is going to screw with me I want to screw with her. If she thinks she can insult me just because she has Justin then I’m going to give her a little warning about him, shall I?
I bring the mic to my lips, stopping and pointing at her startled face as I begin to sing.
You better take it from me
That boy is like a disease
You run and you try and you're tryin' to hide
And you're wondering why you can't get free
Her eyes settle on me and she rolls her eyes when she’s recognized the song. I shake my head and continue on.
He's like a curse, he's like a drug
You'll get addicted to his love
You wanna get out, but he's holdin' you down
'Cause you can't live without one more touch
I step back a few paces and lean up against Justin’s stiff, surprised body. I slither down his body watching Jessica’s face in amusement before coming back up and turning around to face him.
He's a, a good time, cowboy Casanova
Leaning up against the record machine
He looks like a cool drink of water
But he's candy-coated misery
I throw my hands up in the air and then creep forward toward Jessica who scoots backward trying to avoid me.
He's the devil in disguise, a snake with blue eyes
And he only comes out at night
Gives you feelings that you don't want to fight
You better run for your life
I’m standing in front of her now with her eyes burning holes into me. She scoffs at me and cocks her head, rolling her eyes. I laugh and bring the mic back up to my lips.
I see that look on your face
You ain't hearing what I say
So I'll say it again, 'cause I been where you been
And I know how it ends, you can't get away
Kris and Austin have started to pluck away at their guitars, getting a feel for the rhythm. Sean’s making stuff up behind the keyboard and I can’t help but turn to smile at them gratefully.
Don't even look in his eyes
He'll tell you nothing but lies
And you wanna believe but you won't be deceived
If you listen to me and take my advice
I take a breath and belt out:
He's a, a good time, cowboy Casanova
Leaning up against the record machine
He looks like a co-
Hands yank the mic from my hand and pull my arm back. Justin whips off his guitar and drops it on its stand sloppily. The garage suddenly becomes quiet and Justin angrily stalks off toward Jessica, yanking her off the amp and pulling her out of the garage.
“Practice is over, I’ll see you guys at the gig tomorrow.” He grinds out and disappears around the side of the garage.
I feel every eye on me and I slowly turn to see blank faces. We stand there awkwardly just looking at one another.
When I decide to open my mouth Alex’s voice slides over the top of mine.
“Good job.” He breathes.
I scowl confusedly and look from his face to Sean’s and then over to Kris and Austin. They nod.
“Um…” I start, but am cut off by Sean.
“I hate it when he brings girls to practice.”
“Yeah,” Austin agrees, “they always ruin everything. They tell their friends what songs we are going to sing and everything.”
I nod. “I just thought I’d screw with her…and him.”
Kris has removed his guitar and comes up to me, slinging his arm around my shoulder.
“I always knew I liked you.” He laughs.
I let out a snort, “Nuh, uh!” I push him off playfully.
“Okay, so you’ve grown on me, on all of us, really.” He smiles.
It’s silent for a little while when Sean speaks again.
“Justin is going to be so ticked tomorrow.” He comments.
My lips curl into an evil smile, “Good.”
Sean looks at me in disbelief.
I lean onto his keyboard and grin, “The sing-off is tomorrow.”
“So?” Alex sighs.
“The madder he is, the better the show.” I wink.
The boys catch on and we all stand there grinning like idiots.
“Things just got interesting.” Austin beams.
“Exactly.” I smirk.
Out of nowhere Kris’s arm unwraps itself from my shoulder and he runs to his book bag.
“Wha-“
I’m cut off by his muffled voice, “I forgot to get your picture!”
I gasp and look down at what I’m wearing. I’m not picture ready.
“Not a good idea!” I cut in, looking down at my plain shirt and shorts. I know my hair is probably wild as well.
“Relax. I’m only going to use your silhouette. I make the posters for the band. I thought it would be cool to add your silhouette in with a question mark over it. You know, so it’s a mystery as to who is the new member. I’m going to hang them up in the school tomorrow.”
I’m still unsure as to whether to allow him to take the picture.
“Just stand in that sassy pose you always do when you’re talking to…You-Know-Who.” He orders.
I scowl, “Voldemort? I don’t talk to Vo-“
“Justin! I didn’t think you wanted to mention him right now.” Kris rolls his eyes.
“Oh!” I exclaim and laugh at my stupidity. My face drops though, “How do I stand?”
“You stand shifted on one side with your hands on your hips and your head cocked.” Austin replies quickly.
I frown, “I do?”
“Mhm.” He replies.
I shrug and do what he described.
“Like this?” I ask. Austin nods his head and Kris motions me to look into the camera.
“You don’t have to smile.” He reminds me.
I stand still while he snaps the picture and then walks back over to his bag, shoving the camera back in.
“I’ll edit the poster at home. We better get going.” He says.
We all grab our skateboards and go our separate ways. My adrenaline begins to pump excitedly when I think about the upcoming sing-off.