4
I did not eat very much that next week. Instead of lunch at work I opted to proofread and fact check. No one really noticed a difference. I have always been friendly, but never really a friend. The closest I got was a few of the girls in the office who invited each other to events and I was one of them. I never really did much, but if I wanted to go out and get drunk off my ass to forget everything one of them could always help me; it was never really an option that I considered, though, because there were only a few people in the world that I was comfortable with letting them see me like that and the girls were not on that list.
Every day was a reminder that my birthday was coming. Every day was a reminder that I was still alive. That I was prolonging the inevitable. Twenty-five. I had been on the Earth for twenty-five years doing nothing, but taking up and wasting space. My presence was no improvement to society or family. I was just painfully there, painfully average.
Avery had to persuade me to even do anything this year, resulting in our plans for the club. Thinking of the club only soured my mood, because Avery had taken it upon herself to invite the wonderful Roman. How could I face him ever again? After I made such a fool of myself and not to mention the effects he had on me.
"So, what are you wearing?" Avery asked as she flourished into my house.
I watched her walk into my bedroom as I carefully put away my bottle of whiskey. I followed her slowly into my room deciding to sit on my bed since she would just pick it out anyway. She was rambling on about her dance classes and about the possibility of her teaching a teenage class. She spoke of Nat and how well he was continuing to do. She spoke of Jamie and about the time they went to the store and picked up the Fairy Princess doll instead of the Lone Ranger one. She continued on about the similarities between her son and our brother.
When she did finally come out of my closet, she was toting a floral pair of shorts and a white shirt in one hand. In the other, was a white dress that was a flowy whimsical thing and the front ended just above my knees while the rest of it ended just at the knees topped off with a pink champagne colored sash.
"Which one?" She prompted.
I sat there acting as if I was actually deliberating. She knew what I was going to pick. The only reason I even had those shorts was because she had forced me to get them. She was always trying to get me in them and I always avoided them. Finally, I looked up and pointed to the dress. She sighed, knowing that she had lost again and trudged back into my closet to put the other outfit back. While she was in the closet, I got up and ambled to my tights drawer. After searching for a while I found some that fit the sash of the dress well enough. When Avery came back out I could feel a little bit of disappointment from her.
"You have a pair of those in every color don't you?"
"I guess." I said absentmindedly.
"I was thinking your black wedges for shoes." She continued.
"Mhm, sounds good." I agreed.
"Scarlett, sweetie, are you okay?"
"I'm fine." I reassured her.
"You seem out of it, distracted. That's all."
"Oh you know just work, deadlines, and all that stuff."
She nodded understandingly, "Yeah Nat gets like that sometimes. Usually some good sex sorts it though."
I flinched, "Oh."
She laughed it off and walked into my kitchen, rifling through my refrigerator.
"Aren't you excited for Saturday?" She called as she began to rifle through the cabinets. "Where is your food woman!" She called as I entered into the kitchen after her.
"Oh I don't know. I just need to go to the store that's all."
She rolled her eyes and floated to the living room, plopping on the couch. I followed aimlessly after her, reminded of when we were younger and when I hung out with her without Jamie. She was always far more compelling and energetic than me. She flipped on the TV and began surfing the channels as I joined her on the couch. As soon as I sat down she scooted down and threw her legs over mine. We stayed in silence just watching TV for a little while and before I knew it I was asleep. Just like falling asleep, before I knew it Saturday had come around.
I spent the day trying to keep my mind off of the coming night, even resorting to taking a walk. The walk did not last long. I reached the restaurant laden strip of the street and I was so tempted that it felt like my stomach was literally reaching out through my skin for the plates of food everywhere. I ran home from there, only resulting in nearly passing out when I got there. My head was light and numbness was spreading through my body while nausea rolled through me. I laid down on my bed and waited for it to pass. It always did. My phone ringing with a text from Avery was the only thing that got me up. I was fully prepared to skip the whole thing. I was a whole year older yet I felt no different. Still suicidal and depressed.
I dressed slowly and waited patiently for Avery and Nat to come pick me up. Anytime I went out with them they always insisted on taking the same car that way at least two of the three of us could get fucked up. I was usually one of those two. Avery always said that when I was drunk my personality did not really change. I was quieter and did not even attempt to hold a conversation like I usually did out of politeness. Instead, I would just kind of space out and not reply to anyone. And I was less careful. The other perk of carpooling was that I never went home with anybody and they made sure of it, they often joked that while I was spacing someone could come by, put me over their shoulder, and take me without me even realizing it. I did not doubt nor deny the possibility of that either.
When they arrived, Nat came up to get me. I opened the door finding him on the other side with a cluster of roses. I hugged and thanked him, inviting him in while I put them into some water. His eyes roved over my apartment like always, and like always he made a comment of the size and how I was the only one living here. My apartment was not huge, but it was roomy, especially for one person. I shrugged as I joined him back into the foyer. He dismissed the subject with a shrug of his own before turning to me with a wide grin. He swept his arm and pulled me into his chest tightly, holding me.
"My birthday girl!" He crooned, "you've hardly changed a bit." He rubbed my arm quickly, jarring me slightly as I just held onto him. "I'm glad you're still around Summer." He confessed.
It made me sick to know that I was not the only one to realize that I had not changed all of these years. My smile faltered against his chest, but I gave him a little squeeze before retracting myself from him.
"Come on," He grinned goofily, placing my arm through his.
As we made our way I inquired, "So I'm assuming you're not DD tonight?"
He looked down at me and winked. At the car, he opened the front seat door for me, like a gentleman, taking his backseat with grace. The moment I was in the car, Avery pounced on me, enveloping me in a tight hug, "Happy Birthday Big Sis!"
I smiled for their benefit on the way over, letting them converse excitedly about how fun the night was going to be. As we drove, I received a few texts from the girls at work who were already there. They kept me updated on the incoming people: some of Nat and Avery's friends that I was familiar with. I knew the exact moment that Roman arrived by the flood of texts that were worded differently, but all of them said the same thing: Who. Is. He. I groaned internally, so much for hoping he could not make it. Do not be a baby, you made your bed now you lie in it, my mind admonished me.
We arrived and let Nat out at the front while we found a parking spot. As we searched, a shiver ran through me as Roman's car caught my eyes. When we got out of the car Avery was literally vibrating from excitement, I could almost hear the buzzing coming from her body. She beamed whilst grabbing my hand in hers and began walking towards the building. I realized that for Nat and Avery this was a night out, away from Jamie despite how much they loved him and his company, they were still young. I remembered when we would go out to dances, parties, and clubs when we were younger and freer.
At the entrance, we found Nat at the front of a relatively long line grinning his usual goofy grin. The bouncer gave me a small nod as he let all three of us through. The faint music outside grew louder as we stepped through and it began vibrating through my body. Avery led me by my hand through people while Nat kept his hand on the base of my spine weaving through the crowd skillfully to keep up with us. Nat had reserved a private area complete with a velvet rope. I wanted to turn and walk straight back into the group of people on the dance floor and get lost. It was strange, the effect that clubs had on me. Usually being around too many people for too long caused me anxiety, but maybe it had something to do with the darkness, or the music, or the way that you could just dance and get lost in the middle of a crowd, dancing with no one and everyone at the exact same time.
As we approached our area, I could see some of the girls along with a bottle of unopened champagne on the table. I did not dare look around though, because I would surely find Roman and then there would be nothing to stop me from turning and bolting away that very second.
Ellie, who was part of the photography department for the newspaper noticed me first. A gigantic smile spread across her face as she stood up rushing to the velvet rope and undoing it. Avery let go of my hand just in time for Ellie to launch herself onto me. I wrapped my arms around her always forgetting just how great her hugs were. Especially when she liked you, she would literally hug you with all of her might and she always had such enthusiasm that made you feel important and like she was incredibly happy to see you all of the time. When she pulled away she did not release me, instead she gripped my upper arms and held me away from her to look at me.
"Happy Birthday Scarlett!" She purred.
I smiled at her and thanked her. She hugged me quickly once more then pulled me forward handing me to the next waiting person. I received birthday hugs and congratulations as I was passed around, me stumbling the whole way. Everyone was open and smiling at me giving me kisses on the cheek, telling me I looked nice, and keeping me from falling over. For a split second, I regretted not eating anything for the past few days, but it did not last as long as the regret I would have felt if I had eaten.
The last pair of arms were the ones I dreaded the most. He looped his arm around my torso while my hand used his shoulder to steady myself. I stared at his chest that was clad in a deep blue button down shirt. My other arm hung limply at my side. I noticed the strong line of his shoulders and the way the muscles on his body were clearly defined and hard. I did not look up at him until he leaned down to place a kiss on my cheek. He murmured a happy birthday, addressing me as Scarlett Summer once again. I looked up into his eyes finally and they seemed bluer on account of his shirt.
"Thank you." I acknowledged.
He slipped his arm from around me smoothly leaving a burn in his wake. Not much else was said between us because Ellie shouted something about me needing to be pissed drunk. I laughed weakly more ready than I was letting on to be plastered. Drinks were ordered and poured followed by loud voices and laughs. Very soon after downing a fruity drink handed to me I pulled Avery out into the crowd with me.
I enjoyed my sister. She was always so light and bubbly, much like her son and our brother when we were kids. She seemed to have managed to keep that youthful glow full of innocence with her even through all of the shit she had been through. We had been through. Nothing like me. I could not stop myself from dwelling on the past, but maybe I could not get on because I was the one who found him.
My stomach clenched and turned unhappily, both at my lack of appetite and the direction of my thoughts. I looked at my sister with the huge smile on her face as she moved her body to the music, always knowing just exactly what to do with it in order to use it to her full advantage. I was not doing horribly myself. I enjoyed dancing and I craved the life exuded from the cluster of people and their vivacious movements. I knew, however, that if someone were to come up to us she would be the one to hold their interests. I was used to it, even after she had the man she wanted, she attracted people.
I watched as a few people from our group joined us on the dance floor. I paid no mind to who I was with I just moved: sometimes by myself, sometimes with the friends surrounding us, and sometimes with strangers. The only times I took breaks were to down a drink, barely tasting it. I was not drinking for the pleasure or taste; I was drinking it so that I would lose control.
I found that even as I moved there was always someone near me that I knew. No one minded when I cuddled up close to them, moving in time with the music. Only once was it Roman. In all of the haziness I remembered him well. I had bumped my shoulder into him on accident, but I proceeded to latch onto the companion.
He handled me with grace when I stumbled upon him. I instinctively laid my arms over his shoulders staring into those eyes that did not falter. He moved slowly but assuredly as he put his hands on my hips. He tugged me a little closer his eyes inviting me to him. We moved together never breaking contact. His eyes were intense though, even in the dark lighting of the club. When they were becoming just a bit too much I ran my hands down the front of his body feeling every inch of hard muscle beneath his skin down to the waist of his pants.
He gripped my wrists and quickly turned me, keeping me steady in the process since I would have lost my balance. He kept his grip on my wrist in one hand holding them to my chest while his other hand began at my shoulder and trailed down to my waist. He pressed me close to him never ceasing the movement of his hips. His hand curved over my hip bone as he held me close to him. I leaned my head back against his chest close to his shoulder.
Closing my eyes, I let the music and movement consume me, feeling nothing but the bass of the speakers and the heat of Roman's hands. When he removed his hand from my wrists he caressed down my arm to my shoulder then resting it on my torso. His fingers bunched in the fabric of my dress and I felt his breath against my neck.
My now free arms roamed, one resting against his neck and the other on the waistband of his black jeans. I felt his jaw brush against my neck setting ablaze a fire where he left his trail of just lips brushing my skin, but not kissing it, had a very similar effect. My breaths were nowhere near even. He kept his hands moving as if he could not stop them, but I knew better than to believe he did anything without meaning to.
They were all over my body. My hips, my waist, my arms, my shoulders, my sides and my stomach, nowhere was safe from him. All at once he was gone, just tucking my hair behind my ear as he went. I did not dwell; I would allow myself to over that man. Soon after Ellie joined me and once again they passed me about. Of the men from our group Nat was the only one to put his arms around me, letting his hands roam up and down my arms.
Eventually, I stopped dancing altogether and began to mosey around the club. I felt so tired; all I wanted was to lie down. Eventually, I found an empty booth that looked incredibly inviting. Ambling on over I crawled onto it and curled up. I could feel the weakness in my limbs craving nourishment or anything to fill them. I remembered watching people move and drinks being poured then ingested. I remembered my eyelids feeling heavy and my stomach clenching. I remembered letting the darkness overtake me happily welcoming it.
The next thing I remembered was a pair of strangely familiar arms under my knees and cradling my shoulders. I looked and vaguely registered that it was Roman, but instead of demanding to be put down I turned in his arms and buried my face into his chest while resting my hand against his heart. I opened my eyes again to Avery holding onto a very wasted Nat.
A few words passed, but I registered that Nat was in no state to go with Avery to take me home. The words "I've got her" were said and my whole body tensed; my common sense was struggling through the stupor of alcohol. I knew he felt my reaction, but he made no response. Avery looked as if she was contemplating it and Roman gently tried to set me down on my feet. I tried to hold myself up, but my legs felt like a newborn deer. They wobbled under me but before I dropped to the floor Roman's arm shot out as he stooped to catch me. He secured me around my middle and I clung to his arm. Nat and I were sat down and cups of water were forced down our throats, but I had to admit it helped.
When we began to move, he leaned down and told me that I was going to have to try to walk at least out of the club. I nodded, but relied heavily on him. Once in the parking lot, Avery wrapped an arm around me and hugged me goodbye. I watched her walking away toting Nat. My legs were taken from under me once more and I argued that I could walk despite having done a bad job backing up that claim. It made no difference and then I was faced with Roman's slinky looking maroon colored Bentley. He sat me in the front seat and strutted around the front of the car to his seat. As soon as he was seated, I questioned him.
"How do you know I'm not going to puke in your expensive car?"
"Because you never have before." He replied simply.
Shocked I looked at him, "How do you know that?"
"Nat and Avery told me that you've never gotten sick once when you drink. Impressive really." He sounded actually mildly captivated.
He started up the car in silence while we made our way through the parking lot and once we made it out on the street he asked me my address. I muttered it to him and he nodded telling me that he knew where that was. I thought to ask him how, but ignored the urge because it was not like it was unusual for someone to know their way around town, I was just feeling petty and confrontational. At a stop light, he reached behind my chair and retrieved a jacket. He handed it to me saying "Trust me." I frowned, but put it over my shoulders folding my arms again. He looked over at me grinning, and then the roof was moving to reveal the clear starry night above us.
"The cool air will do you good." He was right, of course, the cold air was blowing through my stupor.
I snuggled further into his jacket against the cold. I could smell him on the material of the jacket, a woodsy, but metallic kind of mixture. It was the strangest scent. Eventually, I just pulled my arms through it and watched the city go by while my hair whipped around my face. He did not put on the radio as he drove and he kept incredibly silent.
I knew he was thinking and the closer we got to my apartment the tighter my chest became. If he was silent, then he was thinking and that meant he was analyzing once again. I could not take another incident like the last time I saw him. He pulled into the parking lot and got out coming to my door to open it. I stood up out of the car wobbling for a second then picking up my heels that I had taken off while we drove.
I took a step forward and stumbled before clinging onto his outstretched hand. He sighed and leaned down using one arm to scoop me up. I gasped and felt wildly humiliated as he held me like a baby. He took my shoes out of my hand and began walking to my building. I protested and told him I could walk myself, with no response from him. When we got to the door I struggled so much that he had to put me down with a huff. I could tell that I was trying his patience. I subconsciously reached into my dress and pulled my chipped, red painted key out of my bra. I pushed the door open and stood awkwardly not knowing whether to invite him in or say goodnight. I took a few steps forward into my apartment the cold instantly soaking into my bones. I heard him enter behind me and the thump of my shoes on the floor.
"Scarlett," he whispered when I turned to him his eyes were more blue than green, "You haven't eaten anything at all today, have you?"
I stuttered caught off guard at his correct observation. I whirled around and immediately leaned against the wall feeling everything spin around me. I clenched my eyes shut trying to use the wall at my back as an anchor. I heard him mutter something in unhappiness, and then his fingers were gripping my chin. My eyes shot open and he looked barely contained.
"What are you doing Scarlett?" He said in exasperation. "Why are you trying so hard to die?"
He pressed his forehead against mine firmly I could feel his breath and it was heavy. His grip on me was becoming increasingly tighter, and more painful. I made a squeak of pain and he released me, whirling away from me. I exhaled the breath that I was holding.
I could feel the tears pricking at the back of my eyes. His eyes were ablaze like a sea storm crashing down over me. He was a terrifying and imposing sight as he loomed over me. He could see my terror and something snapped, I watched as he forced himself into calmness until his shoulders relaxed. He put his hands against the wall next to my head. His eyes were closed and when he opened them once more the sea had calmed into soft waves.
"I apologize Scarlett Summer," he conceded. "You, unnerve me." He said as if it were an understatement.
I nodded mutely.
"I frightened you, again," he let his hands hang at his sides, "Will you be okay to move around?" I nodded. "Until next time," he sighed. I watched him take his leave closing the door behind himself.
I steadied myself then took a few steps forward to lock the door.