TRIGGER: SELF-HARM (sort of), FIGHTING, etc, please be safe guys there's a paragraph where Blurryface is telling Tyler to self harm I'll put a *** Above just in case anyone is triggered easily by it!!
"What's that?" Asked Josh, leaning over my shoulder as he looked at my notebook. I shrugged, looking down at the words I had wrote on the piece of paper. "Lyrics I guess...I don't know." He laughed, "They're good actually...when the leaders of the bad guys sang, something soft and soaked in pain?" I nodded, my cheeks heating up as he read the words out loud.
"I just kind of write whatever...metaphorically a lot." He nodded, "Yeah, you're creative." He smiled and sat down back at his seat.
He looked different in his school uniform, like he didn't belong. Well, he was an offstate did we ever look like we belonged? He looked more serious and broad, yet I knew him as being the unique fun guy he was.
This morning was terrible. My mom was more strict on me because of last night when they caught me sneaking in. She kept saying how she was worried sick and she doesn't know where I'm going. I kept reassuring her everything was fine but she didn't seem to believe me. Now I defiantly wouldn't ever be able to sneak to Josh's again or even ask to go over his or out.
"I got caught sneaking in last night." I muttered, leaning back in my seat to listen to Josh's reply. "Oh that sucks...what'd they do?" He asks, leaning forward now towards me. I studied his face for a moment, something i caught myself doing a lot. His big brown eyes were filled with concern and curiosity. His lips were slightly touching, just a tiny gap between them. His lips seemed so soft and pink. I tugged myself out of those thoughts and back up to his eyes, now deciding to answer what he had asked me.
"Eh...my dad yelled at me like usual...basic you're a failure Pep talk." I laughed, wanting to make sure everything was lighthearted, and that it was something I was fine with, Yet Josh wasn't laughing. His soft pink lips were now pressed together in a slight frown. His eyes now filled with sympathy, almost like he was stuck in thought as well. "And uh...they're way more strict on me now...so it'll be tough to come over this weekend...I'll try though...really." I filled in the silent spaces that Josh had left, trying to reassure him after what I said. "Oh...I'm sorry I got you in trouble." He suddenly said, his tone low.
I narrowed my eyebrows and shook my head. "No, no, josh it's not your fault at all." I said, now leaning closer to him as my expression changed. "Well...just try to come over this weekend. My brother won't be home so everything will be fine and okay." He said again, more quietly as he leaned back into his seat now slouching down farther. I watched as the happiness from his face leaked away into a sadness. A cold expression now was on his face. He began to scribble slightly at his paper as the teacher began to talk for today's lesson. I sighed and slouched back down into my seat, glancing back at him one last time before back to my paper of lyrics.
The bell rung, snapping me out of the deep thoughts I was in. I had almost forgotten that I was in class, so far into my thoughts. The one thought I couldn't get rid of was Josh. I created scenarios in my head of what it would be like if I could actually date Josh. I doubt it would ever happen since Josh probably didn't like me that way. Yet it was fun to fantasize. Was that creepy? I never really went through this stuff. My thoughts were also a mix of Blurryface, his family, careers, future, etc. Always a mix of multiple things.
"Hey, let's go." Josh suddenly spoke. I glanced up as I saw Josh leaning on his desk with his books tucked tightly in his arms. I was stood up, grabbing my things slowly as I got stuck into thoughts. I sped up and followed him out of the room, dreading the walk through the hallway.
I always felt safe with Josh around, had no idea why really, yet while walking through the hallways I did not feel safe at all. The hallways were always packed during passing time, people at lockers, hanging at lockers, people walking by, shoving, cat-calling, it was a lot to handle. And it wasn't a safe place for offstates like us, yet everyone has just decided to ignore me now, I must've gotten boring.
Now with Josh being the new kid in school, with bright red dyed hair and an entire complexion that screamed Offstate, it was like fresh meat for the jocks. Everything has gone okay so far, just laughter and yelling names at us as we passed by.
We were halfway to our next class. My mind was locked in my thoughts and my eyes were locked onto the floor. Never made any eye contact in this school anymore, except for Josh of course. Suddenly I bumped into Josh's back, my eyes just noticing that he had stopped walking. I looked up now, about to ask what he was doing but then realized three guys stood in front of him now. Oh no.
The three guys that laughed at us everyday. The Three guys that used to make my life hell. "Hey look it's the two weirdos together awe!" Shouted one, I think his name was Dylan, the one with a similar hairstyle to mine, now walking closer towards Josh.
I sighed now tugging on Joshs uniform as I tried to whisper in his ear. "Josh, let's go." Suddenly he shook his arm loosing from my grip and one of the guys walked towards me. "Awe look it's the one that everyone forgot...even your family has already forgotten about you." He laughed, trapping me against the wall now. He had a shaved head, brown, and his eyes were a dark green color. I knew his name, Mikey.
"Leave him alone." Muttered Josh, looking at Dylan with a dark look. The boy laughed, now leaning off of me and now towards josh as the two guys now surrounded him. "Awe look he's standing up for his boyfriend!" Shouted the one with blonde hair with blue eyes standing behind josh. That one was Charlie.
"Whatcha gonna do...fag?" Muttered Dylan, now standing in his face. Josh sighed, staring down at the ground as the man suddenly punched his arm up into Josh's gut. "No!" I shouted, now lunging forward but a strong arm held me against the wall. I watched as josh groaned out in pain as he fell to the ground, his books now scattering across the floor. It reminded me of the times I came into this school, the sudden realization that I was different.
A circle of students had developed around us, everyone screaming and cheering for the jocks, of course. "Fight! Fight! Fight! KICK HIS ASS!" Some of them yelled.
"Josh!" I yelled, struggling to move against the boys strong arm that was holding me back. He sat kneeled on the ground until Dylan pulled josh up by his uniform collar. "let him go!" I screamed out, pushing as hard as I could against the boys arm. Never have I gotten so defensive or angry at anyone. I didn't even stand up for myself when I was getting beat. There was just a sudden hurt feeling that boiled my blood and moved up all of my bones.
It ached my heart to watch Josh be beaten down just because of who he is. I forever wished I had someone else there when I was getting beat. Josh groaned out as he raised his head now, the boy holding him up and suddenly he raised his fist and punched josh straight in the face. "STOP!" I screamed, now scratching at the boys arm. Mikey, who was holding me against the wall, turned to look at me and now held me up similar to Joshes position. "Shut the fuck up and watch your little boyfriend suffer for your mistakes." He gritted, holding me tighter. I gasped for air as he held his arm tightly against my chest.
I could feel tears forming in my eyes as I watched Josh begin to bleed from his nose and the swollen bruise begin to form under his eye as the man punched him once more. The blood was just a bit darker than his hair color, the hair color that made him so different but beautiful. Dylan let josh go. Josh fell to the floor as he groaned in pain. The bruise forming under his eye reminded me of the night I saw him. The bruise under his eye that he said was just from tripping. What if it was from these guys? What if they've been torturing him outside of school!?
I felt useless and defeated, like always. I couldn't save someone I loved due to my own mistakes and selfish ways.
The crowd around us cheered and Dylan turned away from Josh, cheering loudly with a proud smile on his face. The other boy highfived students from the other side. "SOMEONE HELP! A TEACHER!" I screamed out, and suddenly a strong hand clampsed onto my mouth. I groaned out, trying to scream and yell. My eyes flicked back to Josh, now holding tightly onto him self, but his head suddenly looked up towards the boy.
My tear filled eyes widened as I watched Josh wearily stand up, run towards Dylan and pull him towards him, punching him straight in the face. Mikey let go of my face and was suddenly all over josh. I yelled and jumped onto the back of the him. He yelled, clawing into my skin as josh punched him.
"Hey!" A voice suddenly yelled, causing everyone from the crowd to run away. The jocks got up and ran away, every one but the one that I was held tightly onto. Josh collapsed to the ground, his eyes closing as he hit the floor. I gasped, sliding off of the boy as I ran over to him. "IN MY OFFICE NOW!" Three teachers surrounded us, yet I couldn't really focus, my only focus on josh. "Josh!" I yelled, gently slapping his cheek repeatedly slowly.
"He needs help!" I yelled towards the teacher. I noticed him, I've seen him around. He had a grey suit on- it wasn't just any teacher, it was the discipline officer. He called to another teacher, asking for the nurse. One of the security officers held onto Mikey, who had a bloody nose now. Josh looked terrible, blood leaking a slow stream from his nose. His eye was now swollen like before, more black and maybe even bleeding. He breathed slowly, unconscious against the floor. I couldn't help but cry, and when someone grabbed onto me I didn't care, I still kept my focus on josh.
This was all my fault.
-
I sat in a very uncomfortable office chair. The room was quiet, the only noise from the ticking of clocks and the ringing of phones. I bounced my knee up and down, looking towards the ground as tears slowly slid from my eyes. I could feel my cheeks and eyes burning, the pain that had gathered in my chest was now sitting there. Mikey was sitting a few seats down from me, his eyes down towards the ground floor, I guessed.
The only thought on my mind right now was Josh. Was josh okay? All I wanted to do was to see him and make sure he was okay.
"I'm surprised..." a raspy low voice spoke out from beside me. I scoffed, shaking my head. "How?" I whispered, hoping no one heard. "You actually did something...yet you still cried like a little baby." I rolled my eyes, clearing my throat as I wiped the tears away from my face. I could hear the glass door to the office open. I raised my face and the one person I was so ashamed to look at was standing right in front of me. Well, second ashamed. My mom came in, holding onto my siblings hands as she approached the counter.
I sighed. "Wow...your mom had to come all the way here just to get your ass." Blurryface mumbled. I looked back down at my feet until I heard the loud shuffle of feet approach me. I glanced up now towards a face. Her lips her pressed together in a tight line and her eyes showed sympathy and pity as she saw my tear stained cheeks. Zack and Madison held onto her hands as they looked around, bored of why they were here.
"Let's go." She mutters, turning around from me and heading straight for the door. I sigh and stand up. I shuffle my feet against the carpet glared back at Mikey, who was sitting down with an ice pack and paper towel placed to his nose.
-
The car ride was painfully silent and awkward. The only noise from Zack and Madison playing on their tablets and the low noise of the car radio. I looked out onto the road, the sun gleaming towards our car. I couldn't look up at anyone. All I wanted to do was text Josh, even though I couldn't bare to look at him ,yet I wanted to know he was okay and breathing.
Blurryface was attached to me the entire time. He wouldn't leave, and he kept nagging me over and over about it. It pained me, it really did. He talked about how weak I was. I was so weak I couldn't even help Josh, josh had to help himself, even after he was punched mutliple times. I'm the reason he had to be carried to the nurses office on a stretcher, I'm the reason that he could be in a hospital right now. Reason why I don't make attachments. Everyone gets hurt.
We pulled into our driveway a few minutes later. I stepped out, walking towards the door as my mom said nothing. Her heels clicked against the concrete driveway. Zack suddenly tugged onto my jacket as I looked down at him. "Tyler?" He asked, a frown on his face. "Yeah?" I answer in a mumble. "Why did you get in trouble?" He asked, his eyes full and wide with curiosity. I chuckle a bit, "Some mean boys were messing with us."
"Us?" My mom suddenly asked, her back still facing me as she unlocked the front door. Zack let go and ran into the house with Madison behind him. "Why are they out of school?" I questioned, just now realizing it was the middle of the school day. "Don't ignore my question. Are you hanging out with someone? Someone with a bad influence?" She asked, her hand now leaned onto her hip. I shook my head, "No...no not at all, just the bullies messing with me again that's all." I mumbled, walking away from her and now inside the house.
"Don't you dare walk away from me!" She yelled out, slamming the front door as she stepped in. The sudden tension made me jump. "What had gotten into you?! Sneaking out?! Now a fight! Let me guess you got a new girlfriend and they're a bad influence so you're trying to be all cool-" "No!" I yelled out, my hands flying up then falling down to my sides. "No mom! No...no one has an influence on me okay! Yes, there was someone else in the fight okay? But I had no idea who they were!!" I turned around, stomping up the steps.
"Wait till your father hears about this!" She screeched out, her heels clicking against the wood floor and slowly fading into the kitchen. Oh great my dad. I ran towards my door, grabbing onto the doorknob and swinging it open just to slam it again. I slammed my body against the door, sliding down slowly. Tears began to fall from my eyes as I stuffed my face into my knees. The constant sobbing was just about to begin.
I pulled my phone out of my pocket and slowly typed in my password with my shaky hands. I clicked onto my text messages and Josh's contact was the first to pop up. I shakily typed out different things.
Hey
Hi
Are you okay
I hope you're okay
I'm so sorry
Are you okay???
I'm so sorry I didn't help
I couldn't type anything. I sighed deeply and quickly sent a simple "hey" I turned off my phone and placed it down onto the floor gently.
"Shut the fuck up and watch your little boyfriend suffer for your mistakes."
The words seemed to echo. They repeated over and over. The image of Josh aching in pain on the ground. The image of me being held up against the wall, unable to do anything. "Weak." Blurryface hissed. I was angry. Angry at myself and Blurryface. "He was hurt because of you, you weak baby." He hissed again. "shut up!" I cried out, covering my ears. The words didn't disappear though.
"Shut the fuck up and watch your little Boyfriend Suffer For
Your
Mistakes"
"SHUTUP!" I screeched out, picking up my phone beside me and throwing it across the room. I watched as it hit off against the opposite wall with a crash, and smashing against the wooden floor. I sobbed harder, throwing my head back down into my knees.
*****************
"Do it..." his voice suddenly hissed out. I shook my head, "I won't." I cried out, covering my ears yet I could still hear him. "It helps the pain." I shook my head, "no..." I softly mumbled, now staring down at my wrists.
I've done it before, I didn't want to say it. I promised my mom that it would never happen again.
Quickly reaching over to my desk drawer I pull out a rubber band and pulled it onto my wrist, snapping it as hard as I could to try to ignore Blurry faces word.
I groaned ,getting up to walk over to the other side of my bed, the place where my phone lied, smashed. It wasn't too bad, just the screen was pretty smashed, still usable.
I sniffled up the last tears I had wallowing at my tear line. I turned on my phone, trying to see past all of the cracks and scratches.
From Josh 2:46pm
Hey, are you okay?
My heart plummeted. Out of this entire problem, he was the one to ask if I was okay. He was the one who got beat, I wasn't, yet he asked if I was okay. I felt like a complete idiot, honestly I wasn't okay mentally, never have been really, yet he was the one who I worried about right now.
To Josh 2:47pm
Yeah! Are you? I'm so sorry.
I hesitated as my thumb hovered over the send button. I forced my thumb down as I watch the message send.
From Josh 2:49pm
Yeah...just bruises, nothing severe I guess...maybe concussion but I didnt go to the hospital, my brother brought me home instead...also why are you sorry?
My mouth fell open. Concussion. Bruises. Nothing severe...I GUESS. I caused him this. I caused him all of it.
To Josh 2:49pm
I wasn't strong enough to help you
I immediately pressed send, and immediately got a response.
From Josh 3:00pm
Don't be sorry. You were held up against the wall by a dude that couldn't even take me down, I deserved it anyway.
To Josh 3:00pm
No you didn't...not at all! You punched back! Even after being punched multiple times.
I didn't hesitate at this point, I continued to type quickly and press send continuously. I could feel the tears slowly fall again and I could hear Blurryface yelling things yet they weren't clear enough for me to care.
From Josh 3:02pm
Yes Tyler. Look at me, I'm different, I basically ask for it. Don't worry about me anymore okay? It wasn't your fault
Left in confusion. So, he does understand he's different...yet why does he show it so much? All I wanted to do was hug him tightly and kiss him and tell him he's amazing and I just-
From Josh 3:02pm
You're still staying over this weekend right?
The sudden change in mood seemed to flick. I've noticed that a lot, josh seemed to hide and change his mood suddenly. It was like he always tried to stay positive and seeing past his positive GO TO mood was terrifying and saddening.
Then I thought about it. Maybe he wasn't really that strong after all, maybe he had hit his high point. Maybe the guys had broken through this shell that he was hiding in. That night we went out, the night he was off and wanted to get home as fast as he could, the shadow I thought I had saw. Josh had his own Blurryface. Suddenly I felt the room fall silent. No muffled screams from Blurryface, no quiet sobs, the only sound from the keyboard on my phone slowly typing.
To Josh 3:03pm
Of course
-
The silence was lifted only a few hours later.
"Tyler Robert Joseph!" A scream echoed through that house, causing me to jump up from my bed and drop my phone again. Groaning, I picked up my phone, examining the cracks that I had left earlier. Just then the door busted open, and there stood my dad, his fists clenched as he roared in anger. "You got into a fight??" I backed up, clenching onto my phone as I watched him scream into my face. "That's it, we have had the last straw with you Tyler! You're probably sneaking out for drugs or out with a girl!" I scoffed, rolling my eyes.
Suddenly I felt my phone being pried out of my hands. "Hey!" I yelled out, lunging forward to grab back onto my phone ,yet he held it high. "You don't deserve this!" And before I could reply he held the phone high before smashing it to the ground and then crushing it with shoe.
My eyes widened and I could feel tears beginning to peak out. Blurryface laughed in the corner, his actions mocking me.
"GET OUT!" I screamed out, now in anger. My dad laughed, kicking the broken pieces towards me and then turning to leave, "Now you won't be able to contact whoever this person is." He muttered, walking out of the room.
I fell to my knees, my lip trembling and my eyes blurring up with tears. I sobbed loudly throwing the broken pieces towards the open doorway, the loud noise of Blurryface growing louder.
I felt like I was suffocating in my own thoughts.
A/N: ITS GETTING HEATED JUST YOU WAIT! Since I've been getting lots of more feed back on this book I decided to upload this chapter a bit early :) thank you guys so much for almost 400 views!! Please remember to share this <3
Also guys if you are struggling with self harm please don't do it. Please find alternative ways to deal with the pain, i understand because I've been through the thoughts and feeling of hurting myself just please find alternative ways, ex: rubber band, drawing/scribbling, tearing up paper, carving into an eraser.
I'm not a therapist and I'm sure there's better ways of dealing with it. I may seem like a hypocrite RN, but if you guys are ever dealing with shit you can always message me and I will try to cheer you up with dog pictures or if you just need to talk! <3
Fun fact: i realized while proofreading that a paragraph of this chapter was written in third person Instead of 1st person oops!
Also if anyone is confused:
The three jocks who were beating them up were Mikey, Dylan and Charlie (last minute name)
Dylan was the one mainly punching josh at the beginning, and Mikey was the one holding Tyler up against the wall. Charlie kind of just yelled and tried to look cool -PSH NERD- anyway then Josh punched Dylan and he stubbled back, then Mikey rushed and began to punch josh, then Tyler tackled Mikey and then Dylan and Charlie ran away with the crowd while the three were left there to be in trouble WOO
Have a nice day <3