Worrying about him takes up an inordinate amount of time I'd found. Worrying about our lives and how we would get out of this mess was almost abstract when I thought about his physical safety.
As far as I was concerned the second he left this house he was in danger, and so I worried. It was as though some magnificent internal clock begins ticking loudly, echoing through a large empty space, reminding me how lonely and sparse my life was without him.
He had called just before midnight to tell me he was about to set off, and would be driving for a few hours - he was with Dan and so couldn't talk long - but he told me he loved me and missed me. Then, before hanging up, he'd added in that quiet guttural growl that he could still taste me on his fingers. A parting shot designed to send me to sleep turned on and wanting him even more of course.
Ten minutes later he'd texted to tell me he was driving to Scotland, and with Kevin who had turned up at the last moment from wherever he was. My mind had of course gone into overdrive.
What was in Scotland? Who was in Scotland? Was whatever was in Scotland dangerous or illegal? Of course it was. Because that's who he was. That was who Dan was. And that was why he was changing his life.
I then wondered if he'd told me where he was going incase anything happened to him, because then at least I'd know where he was and who with. He said in his text not to worry, and so as always I tried to do as he told me.
Before I drifted off to sleep I thought about Mark. Was he still watching Jake? Or did cool it off mean complete and utter obliviousness when it came to their activities. That's when I realized that far from being a bad thing, the thought of Mark watching Jake in fact gave me some comfort. The idea of another set of eyes on him made the tight feeling in the back of my neck feel a little looser.
***
On my lunch, I call my mother, the phone ringing for so long that I'm about to hang-up. I also relax a little at the idea of Jake meeting my parents being delayed a little. However at the last minute answers, sounding out of breath and slightly harried as she pants down the phone.
"Hellllllo..."
"Hi Mum it's me, sorry were you busy? I was just about to hang up," I lift my scalding hot americano carefully and sip from the rim.
"Oh, Alex, sweetheart hi!" She chirps. "No, well yes, I was upstairs sorting through the back bedroom next to your brother's. You remember I wanted to make it into a craft room?" of course I did. She'd spoken about nothing else since he moved out. That and the new kitchen, which was thankfully behind us now. "Well I decided to just get the ball rolling, I ordered the most delightful wallpaper from this place down in Devon - you'd love it Alexandra, very New England Quaker - and your father is away to Wickes to pick up the shelves and bits and pieces – oh I hope he doesn't forget the no nails, I want to get it finished this weekend." She says in a rush. "Everything okay with you darling?"
Actually mum, now that you ask... I'm pregnant with Jake's child. Jake's the guy I mentioned before who broke my heart. He's nightclub owner with links to a London crime lord he's in the process of turning into the police. How did I get pregnant? Well, that was an accident. I was distracted after he told me about his secret son that I stopped taking my pill, and then we had unprotected sex on the hall stairs.
"Yes, I'm good mum," I say instead. "Really good."
"Oh great sweetheart, glad to hear that. And how did the rest of Robyn's wedding go? It was such a beautiful day," she muses.
"Yes it was, it was lovely. It went well, although I actually never made it to the end I was so exhausted." And by exhausted I mean pregnant. "Also, something else happened."
"How do you mean?" she sounds puzzled, and a little alarmed.
"Jake showed up - Rob invited him. It was a complete surprise,"
"Jake? From before?"
I'd mentioned his name briefly to mum in France when she'd cornered me one night in the kitchen.
What's wrong sweetheart? I'm worried about you? You've barely eaten a thing since we arrived. I've never known you to sleep this much. Talk to me darling.
I'd managed to dodge most of her questions, telling her I was simply tired and that I'd been working so hard, especially since the promotion, and that I really just wanted to rest. She had bought it for longer than I expected; Nick stepping in often to detract her attention when I needed it most. He'd even told her about Izzy – whether a distraction technique or not - it had kept her attention diverted almost entirely from me to him for days.
But finally as I was washing up one night after dinner, she had me where I couldn't escape. Turned out Nick had mentioned to her to give me some space, and that I was upset over 'a guy' and I'd come around in time. Since I didn't want mum to refer to Jake as just 'a guy' I'd given her his name.
Hearing her say his name had made think about how my family might say his name whenever they said my own, like they did with Tash and Greig. Alex and Jake are coming. We need a place for Jake, Tom. It was such a small thing, something I'd never really given much thought to before that moment. It reinforced my loss though.
After the conversation with mum I'd gone straight upstairs to bed and cried myself to sleep. The next day I'd met Laurent.
"Yes. Jake. From before again," I nod, gulping down a large mouthful of my cooling coffee while a long, pregnant pause extends from mums end. "Say something mum."
"Well... I just remember how upset you were in France,. It upset me seeing you like that. I don't like that this man hurt you Alex. Badly."
Defensive, I shake my head. "He didn't..." I begin before trailing off. I can't say that. Because he did hurt me. The truth spilled out onto the kitchen floor that day hurt me more than I ever thought I could be hurt. "It was complicated. Relationships are complicated mum..."
"Oh I know that Alexandra," she chides softly, before taking s a deep breath. "And so... these complications are... fixed now?"
Again, not wanting to lie I consider my words carefully.
"We talked - a lot - and I understand why things happened the way they did. I understand him so much better now mum. He's trying so hard to give me everything I need, you have no idea." I say.
He's risking his life for me. He's changing his entire world for me. God how I wish I could tell her that. If I did it wouldn't be here in the noisy busy deli to the sound of children crying and milk steaming.
"Then that's a good start sweetheart," she says.
"I love him mum."
She makes a small gasping noise. "You do?"
"Yes. I'm in love with him - very much in love with him."
"Oh Alex. It's so soon..." she murmurs.
"It doesn't feel like that for me." I feel like I've known him years not months. The moment I saw him I felt like I knew him already. Like I'd dreamed of him. Like I might too have been waiting for him. How strange.
"Well you do sound much happier darling. I'm glad about that," she says sounding genuinely relieved. "Then we want to meet him, and soon."
"Actually, that was why I was calling. Are you and dad both free tomorrow? I was going to suggest we come over for dinner? Jake and I."
"You were? Well, then yes, we'd love that. We're both free." she says, actually sounding less excited than I'd have hoped. Whether it's because this means she'll finally have to at least attempt to move on from the vision of Ben and I getting back together, or if it's her lingering feelings about Jake's treatment of me, I don't know. "What time were you thinking of coming?"
"I'm not sure, I'll have to double check with him, he's away working just now but he'll be back early tomorrow evening. Um, what if we say around seven seven thirty?"
"Perfect. The craft room should be finished by then, or your father can finish it off while I sort dinner." She says before trying to talk to me about menus.
"I'm sure whatever you make will be amazing - I have to go because my lunch just got here," I lie. "But he has no allergies and isn't a vegetarian, so don't worry about that."
"Okay, well that's a relief - although Nicholas tells me Isabelle is a vegan so I may have to look into some new recipes when he finally brings her over." she says.
"She's an easy Vegan - the best kind," I assure her. "Okay, see you tomorrow then. Tell dad I said hi."
"Will do darling, looking forward to it. Oh, before you go Alex, maybe I should call your brother?" She suggests. "It would be nice if he could make it too, with Isabelle?"
I have to stifle the urge to groan. Of course this couldn't just be about Jake and I. She had to at least attempt to make it about Nick. I wonder momentarily why I even bother. "I think we should restrict it to just you and dad tomorrow, I don't want to terrify Jake entirely," I say evenly. "I'll arrange something with Nick soon."
Nick will be harder to win over than mum certainly, though he doesn't know the details of what happened - because no one does - he won't have forgotten the state I was in the day I met Izzy. Or the pale-faced heartbroken version of his little sister he had lunch with a week after that Sunday.
"Yes, ok, that makes sense." She concedes, reluctantly.
After I hang up with mum, I polish off the last of my ham salad sandwich and think through this newest worry: Jake and my parents meeting.
The man I love and who's child I'm carrying and my parents in the same room. The man who's happiness and well-being now determined my own. I realise something then, this massive heavy threat hanging over our lives has finally served a bloody purpose.
I don't actually care what my parents think of him.
Of course I want them to like him but I'm not worried if they don't. We're far far beyond that now. Things sit comfortably in perspective now. This was a dinner. One dinner. My parents would like him or they wouldn't and when we were all finished eating, and the plates cleared away, all of the life-altering things hanging over our heads would still be there. And they were far far more important than what my parents thought of my new boyfriend. And father of your child. Don't forget father of your child. They're grandparents now, technically.
One reason I would like it to work out though is that the idea of this one comparatively small thing going well, meant that maybe the larger stuff down the line would work out too.
***
I'm in bed later reading when my phone rings loudly on the bed next to me. I relax a little when I look down at it and see his name on the display.
"So you're alive then?" I say, before realising that the question really isn't that ridiculous.
He groans. "Barely. Honestly that is the worst drive ever. I hate it. I've just woke up – slept for nine hours straight. "
"I thought you loved driving. You said it relaxed you?"
"Yeah, but almost eight hours through the night with Kev for company isn't my idea of relaxation."
"You drove for eight hours straight?"
"Nah Kev took over at Leeds, but he wasn't talking much."
"So he just turned up? " He'd been missing for almost a week apparently.
"Yeah, at the last minute, literally as I was about to get into the car. Dan wasn't happy. But I was going on my own otherwise so I'm glad he showed."
I nod. "And did he say where he'd been?"
"His dad died."
"Oh no, that's awful..."
"He was in prison - you don't want to know what for - and he got a call Thursday afternoon. Pissed off to Brighton to deal with it, never thought to mention it to anyone."
"On his own? That must have been hard for him," I say because I'm not sure what else there is I can say. I'd never had any warm feelings for Jake's friend, ever since the first night at the surgery. He brought with him an air of threat and malice that set my teeth on age. To find out his dad was in prison was hardly a surprise. I suppose what was a surprise was that he wasn't.
"Yeah. His sister didn't want anything to do with it so he said someone had to go. There was a bit of money left, guess he went for that." he says.
"I see."
"Anyway, enough of the dark shit," he sighs. "Please tell me you're you naked and wet?"
"Not this time," I smile. "I'm just reading in bed, wishing I was with you."
"You're not missing much here baby trust me."
I tut loudly. "No, nothing much, just you. Nothing much at all." Jake chuckles softly. "So what are you doing? You and Kevin aren't out clubbing then?"
He groans. "Christ no. Kev's down in the bar having a drink with some girl he met in the lift who works on the ferry. I just ordered room service and I'm lying in bed watching the highlights of the game I missed earlier. Or as Kev puts it - being 'p*ssy whipped'."
"Ah so that's how he sees me? Can't say I'm surprised."
"Reckon he's just jealous you fancied me that night and not him." He says. I can almost see the smirk settle over his mouth.
I roll my eyes. "Oh yes, I'm certain that's it, and it has nothing at all to do with me stealing his wingman and being your Yoko."
"My Yoko?" he sounds amused now.
"Yes, you know I've split up the band."
"Ah, so I'm John Lennon then?"
"He didn't meet a great end so maybe not..." A cold shudder moves through me.
He's silent for a few long moments. "Alex, I'm safe. We're waiting on some people, people I know well, people who have nothing to gain by hurting me - guys who work for Dan. This isn't dangerous baby, I promise. It's something I've done it a million times before," His voice is steady and confident and it does it's job; it relaxes me. "I'll be home tomorrow like I said. Don't worry."
"Okay." I say.
"I wish I was there." he says.
I sigh, running my hand over my stomach as I close my eyes and imagine he's lying beside me. "I wish you were here too..." I whisper.
In my mind his arms are wrapped tight around my body as he presses himself into me, teasing me with his need. A small desperate moan even escapes my lips, but if he hears it he doesn't draw attention to it.
"We should go away together somewhere. Just the two of us. Somewhere quiet, with a bed." He chuckles. "Ever been to Scotland?"
"Just Edinburgh a couple of times for the festival. Ben and I rent—." I stop talking immediately by biting my tongue hard.
"So we wont go to Edinburgh, we'll hire a house in the highlands and stay in bed for a week." He says evenly.
"Sounds divine. Although I'd quite like to see some of the scenery. What a waste to miss the Scottish highlands because we were in bed the whole time."
"You saying I'm not scenery enough for you?" His tone is playful.
"You're enough of everything for me."
"Good save baby." He chuckles.
"Let's try and arrange something when you get back?" After which I'll talk to you about how I'm carrying your child.
"Deal. Now tell me what you're wearing right now." His voice is a few octaves lower now.
"You first," I tease.
I can actually hear him smile. "White boxers, that's all."
My insides clench at the image. He looks divine in white boxers. It's always how I picture him when I drop into my Jake day dreams. In boxers or in the blue suit he wore to Rob's dinner party, or how he looked the day at the deli. The boxers though... The way they contrast against the slight golden skin and the way they hug his tight bum and muscular thighs. I always want to bite his bum when I see him in them. In fact, I decide to do just that when I see him again.
"Now you." he commands.
"One of your T-shirts. A blue one I got from the line. Nothing else..."
He groans. "You trying to kill me?"
I smile as I shake my head. "No. Why would I want to do that? I love you."
"You're in bed, in my Top and wearing no knickers? Jesus christ Alex,"
I have to bite back a giggle. "Mmmm then maybe don't think too much about it?" I suggest. "And definitely don't think too much about where my free hand is right now - try and put that out of your head completely." I feel so naughty. The heat floods to my cheeks as I open my legs a little wider.
"Oh baby you are going to pay for this, when I get back..."
"Well let's even it out then. Where is your free hand? And if you say on the remote control flicking between sky sports I'm hanging up." I threaten.
"I'm watching porn actually." He says. "That's how lonely and frustrated I am."
"Liar,"
"Nah, I'm lying in bed in the dark with my hand down my boxers talking to the woman I adore on the phone. That's all the porn I need. What else do you want to know?"
A stupid grin breaks out on my face, which is still hot with arousal.
"Are you..." God, can I even say it out loud? I'm a grown woman talking to the man she loves on the phone and I can't even say the word out loud. Jake seems to find this amusing too because he chuckles again, a soft low noise which softens my body further.
"Yeah, I'm hard Alex. Very. Your voice has a seriously intense effect on my c*ck, always has."
I almost burst out laughing. "What are you talking about?"
"I'm serious. Was the first thing I noticed about you, before I even saw your face. Your voice turned me on." He lets out a low moan and I hear him shift. I close my eyes on the image of him touching himself just to the sound of my voice. Jake pleasuring himself with his hand is one of the most erotic things I've ever seen. His eyes closed in pleasure as those strong, potentially violent hands, grip and stroke at his beautiful, large length. Oh my god.
'Then what happened when you saw me?" I manage, quietly.
"You know what happened when I saw you." he breathes.
"Oh yes, you wanted to spend the rest of your life with me." I smile.
"Well, actually I got a raging hard-on first and wanted to f*ck you right there and then. After that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you, was a lot to deal with after getting stabbed. "
I shake my head. "I suppose it would be. But I do love a man who knows what he wants."
"Good. Because I'm mental in love with you. Now tell me what you want me to do with this current hard-on you've inflicted on me?" His voice is low and soft and it makes the tops of my thighs tingle.
"Ah so this isn't the point where I should tell you we're having dinner with my parents tomorrow night then?"
He lets out a low groan of discomfort which somehow still manages to sound like the most sexual thing I've ever heard.
"Baby not now, yeah?" he croaks.
Smiling, I close my eyes and try to steady my breath. "Ok. Well... I want you to put yourself out of your misery of course."
'Who says I'm miserable?" .
"Smart arse." I say, grinning.
"Baby, that poor, amazing arse of yours is going to be pretty tender when I get home. I think maybe you liked having it spanked?"
It's a question. One that I remain silent on. I didn't dislike it, thats for sure. Not that I'd ever tell him that.
"Think I might spank it, eat it, then fuck it..." He says very quietly, but as though he's given it a degree of thought. "Would you like that?"
"Jake..." I whisper, mouth wide in something like shock. I'm so turned on I can barely breathe. Eat it? What on earth... how does he make that sound.. so.. arousing?
"I'll take that as a yes. Good. So now I have my hand wrapped around my c*ck... imagining it's your hand. Would you stroke it fast or slow Alex?" he asks.
"Ummmm..." oh god I can barely breath let alone talk. "I would start slow," my face is so hot. "And I'd move my thumb back and forward over the top."
"Mmmm I like when you do that." He growls. "Are you touching yourself baby?"
"A little... God I wish you were here." I whisper, squeezing my eyes shut tight. My hand moves lower, hot wet skin meeting my trembling fingers.
"I am there," He says softly. "My fingers are between your legs, stroking you. You're so soft and warm and wet for me."
Oh my god.
I moan out loud and focus hard on his soft breaths on the other end of the phone. Sliding my fingers between the soft folds between my legs with my eyes shut tight, I imagine its him. His body warm and large, and that rich spicy masculine scent that emanates from his skin wrapping around me as it presses me deep into the mattress. I put pressure on the sensitive spot which throbs and vibrates, and a shocking burst of pure pleasure jolts through me making me moan louder. I hear Jake groan quietly against my ear. So this is phone sex. No wonder people did it. "Tell me how you feel Alex, tell me baby." He urges.
"Hot.. and wet. God, I want you inside me." I pant.
He swears quietly and I hear the sound of his breathing quicken, loud breaths which tell me his arousal is also deepening.
"Slide your finger inside Alex, just one." He says.
Tentatively, I obey, moaning again as my finger meets a wall of building pressure.
"Oh... god." I turn my head into the pillow. In response, Jake lets out a deep male noise than makes my nipples harden.
"Another finger now... imagine it's me touching you, imagine my fingers inside you baby." His words are breathless now and I can almost taste the heat and desire in his voice. "Now take them out and rub the outside, in circles... feel how hot you are?" he moans. Oh god I'm going to come. Right now.
"Jake...." I manage pathetically.
"I'm moving my hand faster now, so put your fingers back in and make yourself come. I want to hear you come." He demands. "Tell me when you're about to come Alex. Are your fingers deep? Make sure they're deep inside you."
Christ how does he do that? How is it possible that just his instruction can feel this good?
With my eyes closed I picture him. Hard lines and smooth skin and dark tattoos. I imagine him stroking himself as he watches me with eyes full of dark desire and lust. The sounds of his breaths become sharper down the phone pushing me right to the edge. When I'm teetering on the brink I pull my fingers out and rub my clitoris, rubbing my own wetness around it.
"Now. I'm going to come Jake." I tell him.
"I wish I was inside you right now - my c*ck buried deep inside you..." His voice and words send my mind over the edge, a hot white frenzy that threatens to suffocate me. "I'd bite and suck those cute pink nipples of yours as I f*ck you," His breathing is ragged now, like my own. "when I felt you coming, when I feel you tighten around me, do you know what I'd do baby?" Since I can't respond I just whimper slightly. "I'd f*ck you harder." He breathes.
I come, hard. My back, thighs and tummy clench as my own climax flows between my fingers. When I hear him groan and swear I know it's the sound of his orgasm. His noises deepen and his breaths roughen as my body ebbs and rocks into the bed.
When it's over I lie panting, his breaths over the side of the phone sharp and short like my own. When I hear his deep male sexy laugh I smile.
"Well..." He says huskily. "That wasn't bad was it? Your pretty good at phone sex Dr Marlowe."
I giggle softly. "Well coming from you that's high praise Mr Lawrence."
I hear him stretching again. "So I'll be home tomorrow about 5pm. What time do we have to be at your parents?" His tone is back to conversational so quickly, but it takes me a minute more to gather my thoughts and senses.
"I said around seven. They're in Camberley, so about a 40 minute drive. She's looking forward to meeting you." I say.
"Am I gonna fancy her? Does she look like an older version of you?" he says with a smile in his voice.
"Actually I look more like my dad. So this could be really weird.." I say.
He laughs out loud. "Well I'm shitting myself, just so you know. They're never going to think I'm good enough for you. Which I'm not." He sounds utterly convinced.
"Stop that," I warn. "They just want me to be happy. You make me happy and so that's all there is."
"Sounds simple when you say it." is what he says, soberly now.
"It is simple Jake, it's the only thing that's bloody simple."
He says nothing for a long time. "I love you Alex. You know the whole drive up here I felt the cold dead weight of this. The dead weight I've lived with for the last 15 years. But then it hit me."
"What hit you?" I frown.
"That I get to come home to you," He says. "That I'm nearly done with this shit and then it's just you and me and Caleb. You're the light at the end of this. That was another thing I knew that night when I first saw you - you were a game changer. Had a feeling you'd change everything. And I was right."
I have no words. I'm in post orgasmic relaxation and bliss. His words are so warm and so perfect, and my brain is so soft and so malleable that they just float in there, sink and settle.
There's nothing I can say to him to compete with what he's just said to me. I know that. He is always the one with the words. Most likely he will always be the one with the words.
"I'm not glad about how it happened, but I'm so glad you came to the surgery that night. And I'm so glad you liked my voice." Is what I say in response. He lays his soul bare and I say that I'm glad he liked my voice. Yes, he will definitely be the one with the words.
"Me too. Me too baby." He says softly. I can actually hear the love in his voice. It makes me feel very emotional all of a sudden, a heavy wet heat settling behind my eyes. "Now get some sleep. I'm sorry I kept you up late. I'll see you tomorrow."
"Be careful."
"Always." He says. "Night Alex."
"Goodnight Jake."
I'm dozing off to sleep ten minutes later when my phone vibrates. I open what my phone tells me is a picture message and gasp out loud. Jake is standing in front of a bathroom mirror, totally naked and still semi erect, his hair mussed and sexy. His wet and glorious mouth is tilted in a mischievous smile. As I gaze closer I see his tattooed abdomen is covered in something, something wet. The text that arrived with the picture explains it all.
//Guess I better go clean this mess up? Will think about you in the shower like I always do. Love you baby. Jxx//
A nude. Jake actually sent me a nude picture. Jesus Christ. I've never been sent a nude picture in my life. I thought they were folklore. I feel the heat spread over my body as I stare longingly at it. Nope, nothing sleazy about this. In fact it's the best picture message I've ever received - and my brother sent me a picture of the Aurelia borealis once.
I quickly type out a reply.
//Well thanks for making me feel filthy. I'm going to sleep in my mess. In fact this photo has just made it worse. You're a deviant. Hurry home. I love you back. Ax//
I get a message with a smile and about a hundred 'x's back and I switch the light out with a stupid satisfied grin on my face.