TERENY
After what seemed like one of the longest days, I checked the time to see that it was going on seven o'clock.
Walking into the house that Bruce and I shared...it was like walking into another time zone. The house represented happiness and peace. I took my time decorating this house. And this house was a representation of my love for my family. It was so beautiful. And it was like seeing it for the first time considering that it was actually clean from top to bottom.
The house is usually a mess, trying to watch after two bad kids and keep your love alive. All I could do was smile at all the good times that were shared in the house as I looked around.
My luggage was weighing heavy on my arm so I walked up the stairs and into the bedroom. I cut the light on and looked around, seeing that it was not at all how Bruce and I left it before going to Georgia. Instead, the room was all put together and as clean as it was before when I first moved in.
Although things were neatly placed, it didn't really feel like home to me. It felt like someone else's home. Like this house was better without me in it. But I knew that it could only be the negative voices saying that to me and forcing me to believe it. They were telling me already that Bruce doesn't love me. And maybe he doesn't.
I had decided that I would go outside and take out Bruce's suitcase of clothes since he couldn't do any heavy lifting. Bruce was tending to the sleepy children and getting them situated for bed as I did so.
I brought the clothes upstairs and started unpacking and putting clothes in the dirty hamper to wash them. Something told me that I wasn't going to be getting much sleep tonight.
Moments later, I could hear Bruce come into the bedroom quietly. He walked into the bathroom and shut the door behind him. I sighed, feeling unwanted again. Dr. Yow told me about feeling this way, but I couldn't help it.
My husband hasn't even kissed me since he's seen me and we hadn't seen each other in days. But it's like he was tired of me and we've only been around each other for a few hours. I just couldn't ignore the fact that our love didn't feel strong as it used to be. But you would think my experience would've brought us closer. But what it seems to have done was tear us completely apart. Not to mention him losing his best friend. A woman who was so dear to him. He probably blames himself. I know how he is.
I heard the toilet flush and water being ran in the sink. Afterwards, Bruce walked out of the bathroom and stood at the door, watching me. I didn't bother to say anything to him. Instead, I just continued doing what I was doing. Pretending not to pay him any attention when all I really was doing was paying him attention.
The silence was starting to bother me, but what else was I supposed to say when all he was doing was watching me prepare the laundry?
"You didn't have to unpack tonight. I would've gotten around to it in the morning." He said to me. I looked at him and then looked back at what I was doing.
"I'm not going to get much sleep tonight so I wanna stay busy." I admit.
I put the last of the dirty clothes into the hamper and grabbed the hamper, getting ready to walk it downstairs into the washing room until Bruce met me at the door and touched my hand. I stopped walking and looked at him and his blank expression.
"Tereny, we really need to talk." He said to me, prying the hamper from my hands. "Come here." He grabbed my hand and intertwined it with his, walking me over to the bed, sitting me down. He sat down next to me and looked down at the floor.
"I'm just going to start by saying that I'm sorry how I acted towards you earlier. It's just that not being able to know what really happened to you that day, it's just bothering me. I thought you would have told me what happened. And I get you don't want to talk about it, but I'm your husband. It's my right to know." I stared deeply into him, trying to find my words to speak, but the voices were taking over my head.
Don't you say anything to him.
If you tell him, you might as well kill yourself.
He doesn't deserve to know anything.
The Spanish lady inside of my head was talking and telling me to get up and walk away from the conversation altogether to find peace because there was no peace here. So I stood to my feet but was stopped when Bruce stood up with me, still holding my hand. He refused to let my hand go. I wanted to scream, but I couldn't.
"Tereny, please." Bruce said to me as he tried sitting me back down, but I wouldn't allow him to.
I stood still, moving my hand, trying to break free of him. He let my hand go and I walked away, grabbing the dirty clothes hamper and continuing my journey downstairs into the laundry room.
What I did was wrong and I knew it. But I couldn't allow myself to tell him what happened. It bothered my soul to talk about it again. Those voices will make me do anything. I wanted to avoid talking about that night as much as I could. If I can just get Bruce to see that, things will be a whole lot better.
I started the washing machine and went to piling clothes inside.
Bleach them!
I stopped dead in my tracks and knew that it was time for me to take my medicine. The voices was starting to take over and I didn't want to do those horrible things.
Bleach them! Right now!
I shake my head and shut my eyes to try and fight the voice in my head. I leaned my head down as I propped my body onto the dryer, biting my bottom lip so hard, I caused for it to bleed from the inside.
Tasting my own blood, I open my eyes and walked out of the laundry room and back upstairs to get my medication that I was prescribed. I needed them.
As I walked into the bedroom, I looked around the room for Bruce, but he was nowhere in sight. I heard water running from the bathroom so I just continued into the room and grabbed my meds from off of the bed and hustled down the stairs to get a glass of water.
I walked into the kitchen and grabbed a glass cup from the cabinet and poured some tap water into it.
I opened up the bottle of pills and sighed. I really didn't want to get dependent on the pills at all. But it seemed like those pills were the only things that could stop me from really hearing the voices so much. It didn't make the voices go away completely. But it left me at peace for a while. What I really wanted was for the voices to leave me altogether. I needed them to leave me so that I can have my normal life back.
Taking a deep breath, I remove one of the pills from the bottle and braced myself to swallow it.
My body felt tense. My shoulders ached so much. I lifted up my shoulders a bit and turned my head, leaning it to the side to release some tension off. Turning my head to the window right in front of me, my heart started beating outrageously. My blood rushed to my head, giving me the most painful headache I had ever experienced. The taste was knocking completely from my mouth as my glass of water slipped from my hand and onto the kitchen floor, the glass shattering. My pill bottle fell from my other hand as I stared into the reflection of the window, seeing Paci's face there.
On his face was a grin that I can never forget. The same grin he had on his face the whole time he abused me. It scared me so bad, I thought I would die from a panic attack right then.
Paci's torturing me...
I let out a loud and piercing scream as I dropped down to the floor square on my ass, climbing away from the sink.
I just couldn't believe my eyes so I shut them, screaming and hollering as if I was being murdered.
I felt someone touching me and that only made the situation worse. I kicked and swung, screaming and shouting, wanting the torture to end. I couldn't take this anymore. I was living in fear and I wanted my fears to go away.
"Tereny!" I heard Bruce shout my name. "Tereny! It's me!" Bruce shouted, gaining my attention as I stopped fighting him.
I looked up at him, tears in my eyes, sobbing like a child. When I focused in on him, I realized that he was crying. His eyes were puffy as if he had been crying way before he made it down here. I felt so sorry. I was so sorry. What am I doing to this man?
"I'm sorry!" I cried.
Bruce kneeled down in front of me and wrapped his arms around me. I allowed for him to as I continued telling him how sorry I actually was.
I swear things were okay back at Lazarus. I swear. But I'm unsure of where these thoughts are coming from. Things were just fine. I'm now under the impression that I need to go back. I have to go back there. I'm not ready to be out here.
"I wanna go back to Lazarus." I cried.
"Tereny, you can't. I need you." Bruce cried. "I need you here. I need you here with me. Please, you can't go back." He cried.
"Bruce, I'm scared!" I whined.
"I know. I know." He rubbed my back as I continued to cry. Then I started thinking about my medicine. I needed it.
"I need to take my meds." I cry.
Bruce wasted no time standing up. He helped me up from the floor and stood me onto my feet even though he was using his strength that he was told to not use until he is fully healed. When I stood to my feet, I looked towards the shattered glass of water and walked over to the sink. The pill bottle wasn't on the counter where I had dropped it.
That's when I started to panic.
"No." I say to myself as I walk over to the sink to find the pill bottle resting in the sink. I picked up the empty bottle and realized that the pills had all fallen down the drain. I slowly shut my eyes and tried to force myself not to panic.
Do not panic.
Do not panic. It was just a mistake. You can get more. I know you can. I looked towards Bruce who was standing there, tears still in his eyes. I sighed and looked down to the floor to find one of the pills next to my foot.
I bent down and grabbed it.
As much as I don't condone putting things off of the floor into your mouth, I was desperate.
I placed the pill onto my tongue and built up enough saliva into my mouth and swallowed.
"I'll clean up this mess." I tell Bruce as I try walking out of the kitchen, but he stopped me as he rubbed his eyes dry.
"I'll clean it. Just go upstairs." He demanded.
I didn't want to fuss about it so I did as he told me to do. Upstairs, I sat there onto the bed and stared out of the door.
What in the hell was happening to me? Why am I this way?
So, tell me how am I doing? Is it okay so far? I'll start updating more frequently when I get more comments. Until then, I'll be updating slow. ❤️