With all the after graduation parties thrown around, I couldn't keep track of my days. Sinamahan pa ito ng iilang mga interview ng press atsaka mga formal celebration ni Papa. Ang hindi ko lamang kinakalimutan ay ang nalalapit na birthday ni Sean.
"What are you plans this summer, Chrissy?" ani Papa habang sabay kaming kumakain ng breakfast.
"Really? At this point, I'm still busy so..." Humigop ako ng kape. Masyadong maraming invites na mahirap tanggihan dahil kakakulo pa lamang ng graduation. Maybe another week or so.
"Party again, Chrissy?" His tone held disapproval.
"I'm enjoying the good life, Pa. Parang hindi ka naman nakaranas nito noon. Just let me and I promise, something will come up after this." Grinning, I picked up my fork and swirled it up in the air.
"Fine..."
"How about you? Why aren't you having fun?" Ngumisi ako rito habang sumusubo ng kanin.
Tumaas ang kilay nito sa akin, at ang lukot sa gilid ng mga mata ay mas lalong naging ebidente. Para bang isang malaking kasalanan ang pagpa-party sa kaniyang edad. Mas lalong lumawak ang ngisi ko.
"You need to loosen up sometimes. Miminsan ka na lang mag-casino tapos nakakulong ka pa palagi sa kapitolyo. I know someone if you're interested. Fling-fling," suhestyon ko.
Papa berated me with his wisdom words with a little bit of Spanish profanities. Napahagalpak lamang ako sa hindi niya pagkainteresante. Nagbibiro lamang ako pero kung gusto pa naman niyang magkaroon ay ayos lang sa akin. Busy na kasi ako, at siya naman ay kailangan ng kasama.
"Fling-fling..." he quoted me and snorted. Bumunghalit muli ako ng tawa. What a bitter creature.
Bago siya umalis ay kinausap muna ako nito tungkol sa detalye ng birthday ni Sean. Gaganapin kasi ito sa isang sikat na hotel & resort sa Manila dahil tiga doon ang most relatives niya. Aniya'y doon na rin muna ako mag-stay sa aking condo dahil hindi naman iyon doon kalayuan.
I was once again alone eating, trying to make sense of all the outfits I picked for that stupid monkey's grand debut.
Nawala ang mga damit sa screen ng aking phone dahil sa biglaang may tumawag. It was an unknown number and hell, umagang-umaga ay may tatawag sa akin?
Nevertheless, I answered it. Bibihira lamang ang may alam ng numero kong ito kaya kung sino man ito ay may gustong sabihin.
"Hello..."
Magiliw kaagad ang buntong hininga sa kabilang linya. Kumunot ang aking noo. Babae ang nasa kabila.
"Who's this?" matalim kong sabi, napapatigil sa pagnguya ng pagkain.
"Oh god, Chrissy! Its really you! I was calling you last night but you're not answering. I was thinking I got the wrong number but no!" Masayang-masaya ang boses ng babae. Her slight accent made it hard for me not to remember.
Nabuhusan ako ng isang timbang yelo. Lumamig ang likod ko sa pamilyar na boses na iyon. Ang bawat himaymay ng katawan ko ay literal na nanginig.
Is it really her?
Afterall these years...
"Ate Yllana?" Nagbitak ang aking boses sa gulat at pagkamangha. Tumibok ng kay bilis ang aking puso. Holy...
"Yes, its me! How are you, Chrissy? I missed you so much! How was your stay abroad? I was told na umuwi na raw kayo last month."
"I'm fine," mabilis kong sabi. "And I...I missed you too."
Marahan kong inilapag ang aking mga kubyertos sa takot na mabitiwan ko na lamang ito basta. I was feeling something euphoric so I can't help the shaking of my limbs and breath. I missed her bubbly attitude, the rays of sunshine whenever she spoke.
But, we were never abroad. And I didn't have to come home since I was already home. Those were all lies.
"How are your studies? Are you really doing fine? I can't wait to see you, Chrissy! We have so much to talk about. You need to update me about your life, and you need to hear me too. I really, really missed you..." Ang matinis na ligaya sa kaniyang boses ay bumaba patungong nanlalambing.
Napakagat ako sa labi. Hindi rin ako makapaniwalang kausap ko na siya ngayon. May kung anong humihigpit sa aking puso kasabay ng kung anong paggapang sa aking balat.
"Me too."
We talked for about how many minutes. She did most of the talking dahil hindi ako makapagsalita ng matino. Marami siyang tinanong and I was answering almost indifferently, and I admit, I felt guilty even that slightest thing.
Pinaglalaruan ko na lamang ang aking pagkain sa pinggan dahil ang kalahating parte sa akin ay wala nang gana, ang natira naman ay masaya at mangha pa rin. Was it a good combination?
"Sakto ang dating mo, Chrissy. We're having a family reunion and I want you to come. Sakto!" Her plans were solid and I didn't have a say on it. She mentioned some luxury hotel and resort in Manila. Really! I knew that place because its rate had gone skyrocket.
Tuloy-tuloy ang kaniyang bibig at tanging nagawa ko lamang ay mag-ipon ng lakas ng loob. Para akong nabibilaukan.
"Uhm, I'm busy, so...I...I..." I tried but, ah, dammit!
"No way, Chrissy. That won't work on me, and besides, its summer! Tinaon talaga naming summer para ang lahat ay dadalo. Huwag mo ring kakalimutan na hindi ka dumalo sa aking kasal..."
I felt like all the air in my lungs got knocked out. The mere mention of her wedding made the circulation of my blood stop. Isang malaking bato ang pilit kong nilunok at tumingala.
That was not only guilt tripping, but for her to stop, I said yes. I actually said yes.
Pumayag ako ng walang pag-aalinlangan, at pagkatapos noon ay nagpaalam na rin ito. Hingal na hingal kong ibinaba ang cellphone sa lamesa. I was feeling something next to a panic attack. My mind was basically shutting down.
Nagtungo na ako sa itaas para mag-shower. Dinampot ko ang susi ng sasakyan atsaka bumaba na.
"Kina Beth ako, Nanang!" sigaw ko bago umalis.
Ang bahay nina Beth ay sa isang tahimik na subdivision. Hindi naman iyon pala alis kaya naroon nga raw siya sabi ng kanilang mga tauhan. Gusto ko lamang ay huwag kainin ng panic sa bahay namin.
Not that it was a big deal.
Was it?
Beth was watching some indie film when I walked inside her room. Sa aking pagdating ay tanging sulyap lamang ang natanggap ko at muli itong bumalik sa panunuod. Sumisid ako kaagad sa kaniyang tabi sa kama.
"What's up? Ang aga mo yatang nagising," pambungad niya.
Buti pa ang isang ito ay nakukuha ang aking morning schedule.
"I need you, Beth. That's why I came here. I want to make a confession." Kumapit ako ng kay higpit sa kaniyang braso ngunit pilit niya iyong inalis. I pouted.
"Do I look like a nun? Do I look like I go to church?" pag-irap niya sa akin.
"Bethlehem!" Pinandilatan ko ito ng mga mata.
Parehas kaming nagulat ni Beth nang biglang bumukas ang kaniyang pinto. Pumasok ang si Ramona na hawak ang kaniyang paboritong coffee habang may katalakan sa telepono.
"Who was that? President Clarence?" Nag-indian seat ako. Kaninang papunta ay tinext ko siya na magtungo rito kina Beth.
"Is it obvious?" nag-aalala niyang tanong. Tumango naman ako. Nobody irked her like that boy. Marahil opposite na opposite silang dalawa ng kaniyang ex.
"Ugh! I fucking hate him! He's acting like a psycho ex-boyfriend! Hindi nga kami nagtagal ng dalawang buwan dahil hindi ko matagalan ang kaniyang nerdy glasses!"
"Didn't you confess that his glasses turned you on---"
"Off!"
Itinaas ko ang aking mga kamay bilang pagsuko. Although, naalala ko talaga sa isang club noon. Tuwang-tuwa raw siya dahil ala pa siyang naging boyfriend na studious. Hindi ko na lang sinabi dahil magiging dragon nanaman iyan, sus.
"So, why are we here? Bakit ka nag-text na kikitain mo ako rito? What's up?" Ibinaling ni Ramona ang atensyon sa akin, and at the same time, Beth too looked serious.
Mas lalo lamang akong nilabasan ng butil-butil na pawis. I may have let them catch on just snippets about my past, why I came here, but that's it. Hindi nila alam ang buong kwento and I wanted it to stay like that. But right now...
"You look like you've seen a ghost, Chrissy. Oh god, ano na?" Ramona shrieked and made it worse.
"Okay! Okay! Damn it, Ramona!" gigil ko itong inirapan. They huddled towards me like I'm some piece of Black Nazarene.
Lutang na lutang ako pagkatapos kong ikwento sa kanilang dalawa ang nangyari noon.
"I'm so going to crush his face! Dapat idinemanda mo, Chrissy! He made you his mistress! You should've manipulated Tito Nick to do something! God!" Ramona kept flinging her hands infront of my face.
Tinabig ko iyon at pinandilatan ko siya.
"Hindi ganoon kadali, Ramona. My broken state couldn't think straight that time. It needed so much planning and my sister would never survive that trauma," dipensa ko.
"And you would?"
"I already did..." matama kong sagot.
Somehow, it made my heart roar in pride. I did this. I did all of these.
"Kung sinabi mo sa amin iyan noon pa lamang, matagal nang burado sa mundo iyang apelyidogn Donofrio! Ang kapal ng mukha niyang kalabanin ang isang Cajucom! Major asshat!"
"You know I can't afford that kind of war, Ramona. As much as possible, ayaw kong malaman ni Yllana. She'd surely break." Sumandal ako sa headboard, at hinilot ang sentido.
How can I resolve this? Untangle myself in this?
"Then, don't go." Beth piped in. "I say, you don't have to go, Chrissy. Hindi ka naman nagpunta noon. So, what's a simple family reunion to the wedding of the year?"
Tama si Beth. Pero...
"Wouldn't that make me seem, I don't know, mag mukha akong hindi pa nakaka move on."
"You mean, you're bitter."
"And you haven't moved on at all."
Sinamaan ko ng tingin itong dalawang magpinsang ginigisa ako. Ang sabi ko ay tulungan nila ako sa aking desisyon, hindi ang lutuin sa sarili kong apoy!
"What makes you think that way? Mali kayo ng iniisip dahil ang punto ko rito, kapag nagpunta ako roon, you can't expect me to act like nothing happened 'cause I can't fucking do that! Its disgusting! Do you want me to act like nothing happened? Beth? Ramona?" matinding angil ko.
"You will look like a tanga. Especially to that Donofrio so don't," ani Ramona na sinang-ayunan naman ni Beth.
"Then, what do I do?!"
"Forgive yes, forget never. Forgiveness is the only thing acceptable that you can do, Chrissy. So, you need to forgive and for pete's sake, huwag ka nang dumalo."
Tumigas ang panga ko.
I hated how Beth said it right. Palagi naman itong tama sa mga ganitong sitwasyon, ngunit ayaw ko nga lang itong i-acknowledge.
I won't ever forget because it probably scarred me the most in my lifetime. But I also have other factors of my life to stress about and not just live with that ache.
"If I were you, sasama akong reunion. I'll bring a plus one with me, a very hot plus one, Chrissy." Niyugyog ako ni Ramona sa balikat, tila ba ang plano niya ang pinaka epektibo sa lahat.
"Ramona...." pagbabawal ni Beth.
"Imagine, Chrissy. You'll be alone in there like a sheep with a pack of wolves. And for sure, aaligid sa iyo ang lalaking iyon but you'll be Donofrio proof because of a plus one. He'll think that you had already moved on and that you're with someone better. Trust me, its a good come back plan!"
Sa magkaibang palo at bira nina Ramona at Beth ay mas lalo lamang akong naguluhan.
Days passed and came the day of Sean's special day. I messaged him on Facebook and posted a photo of us together in my Instagram account. Hindi ko pinansin ang sandamakmak na likes at comments doon dahil nakatuon ang pansin ko sa kumento ni Sean.
'sean.neuro commented: I thought you're mad at me. You're not answering my text and calls.'
Napangisi ako. Parte naman iyon ng plano. Binuksan ko pa ang isa niyang kumento.
'sean.neuro commented: Thank you, doctora. See you!'
I didn't bother to reply dahil nag-eempake na ako. Kasabay ko ang aking pinsan at ilang mga kaibigan patungo sa Manila. Sa airport pa lamang ay si Arjuna na kaagad ang bumabangka ng usapan.
"Is the girl he's with at the bowling lane with us?" kunot-noong tanong ni Ramona.
"He's really serious about that girl?" sabi ko, napapataas ang kilay. Sinipat ko ang mga kasama namin ngunit hindi ko naman nakikita ang mala brazilian na ganda.
Arjuna's not the type to have a one time thing girl. I mean, he could have an STD screwing girls around and I pity the poor girl he's playing with at the moment!
"I know, right, Chrissy? I swear, if my little brother brings that stupid gold digger inside our house..."
"She's not with us pero nakita ko iyon na kasamang naghatid. You probably saw her face..." singit ni Beth.
"That...that fuckface!"
Sa pagkakarinig ay may umakbay kaagad kay Ramona na barkada niyang lalaki. Nagisa-gisa siya roon at siya naman ang naging sentro ng usapan. Our pack finally left the island and arrived at the metro hours after.
Sinalubong kami ni Sean sa airport pa lamang. Mabuti't baka mamaya na kami magkita sa hotel dahil hindi tulad ng mga kasama namin na rito na talaga sa hotel, kaming tatlo nina Ramona ay sa condo ko tutuloy.
"Happy birthday! Thanks for the invite!" Ngumisi ako rito ngunit niyakap niya ako atsaka bineso.
Nanunudyo ang iba naming mga kasama kaya napailing na lamang ako. However, I pulled away and admired this creature in front of me. Sean was wearing a dark blue shorts and a white v-neck shirt. Ang kaniyang itim na Ray Bans ay mas napa highlight ang kaniyang pagkamestizo.
"'Thanks for the invite!'? Really, Chrissy? That's all you can manage?" peke itong napahiya at inakbayan ako. Mas lalo lamang nagkagulo ang grupo. Damn it!
"That's all you will receive if you keep on doing this, Sean! My shoulders hurt!" pagrereklamo ko dahil sa six footer na katulad niya'y hindi ready ang pag-aakbay niya sa akin.
"You got something for me? Is that really you or this is just your decoy?"
Nang inirapan ko ito ay patuloy pa rin ang kaniyang pang-aasar kahit na tinutulungan niyang ilagay ang aking mga gamit sa sasakyan. The veins in his upper arms protruded more.
"Where's my mean Chrissy? Did you left her back at Cebu?" Lumapit ito sa akin pagkatapos. The other girls in our group eyed me with envy. Ngumisi lamang ako sa kanila.
"Its your birthday so you're spared. Get it? Tara na nga..." Pinandilatan ko ng mga mata si Sean ngunit ngumuso lamang ito sa akin.
Tinaasan ko siya ng kilay ngunit umiling ito. What?
Sean helped too with Ramona and Beth's things sa trunk ng taxi. Ang mga natira ay sa van and Sean visibly showed his disapproval. Hindi ko siya pinansin. Nang si Arjuna na lamang ang naglalagay ng gamit ng kapatid ay dumungaw is Sean sa bintana ng taxi.
Nakakahawa ang kaniyang ngiti at kislap ng mga mata. Napanguso ako dahil umaakyat ang dugo sa aking mga pisngi.
Dammit, Sean!
"Susunduin ko kayo mamaya, alright? We can't have all the fun if my favorite girls are missing," aniya.
"Aww, thanks, Sean! Happy birthday ulit!" satsat ni Ramona sa likod kaya kumaway si Sean. Nang isnob lamang si Beth.
"Fine. Tumawag ka muna dahil baka nagpapahinga pa itong mga kasama ko," sabi ko atsaka tinanggal ang aking sunglasses.
"Or, maybe we could steal a few hours where you're staying. The pool area? Cheap ramen restaurant? Old movie house?"
Sean was using his bedroom voice at me again but I'm so immune at that. Iyon at iyon na lang palagi ang akala niya'y gagana sa kahit na sinong babae but not me.
"Dadalhin mo ako sa sine bente?" banat ko kaagad.
Humagalpak si Ramona sa likod. Napakamot lamang ng ulo si Sean ngunit parang mga damo sa bahay ay maintained ang ngiti ni Sean!
"What's Sean was trying to say was," Ramona cleared her throat. "Birthday sex!"
Namula kaagad ang leeg ni Sean at tila ba gustong magtago sa may side mirror. Miski ako ay gusto ko na lamang kainin ng lupa. I hate Ramona!
"Hey, hey! Hands off, birthday boy! Busy lang ako, tinatangay mo na ang mga alaga ko. Shoo!" Arjuna came to the rescue and pulled Sean away.
Kumaway sa akin si Sean at ngumiti. Kumaway ako pabalik, pinanunuod ang pagtungo nito sa van but he stood somewhere Arjuna couldn't see him. He's making goofy faces at my cousin.
"You three will not go anywhere besides here and there, understood? I still love my life and I don't want to be disowned when we return." Arjuna said his final goodbye. Sa hotel din siya tutuloy dahil puros babae raw kami.
"Go away! Squealer!" Ramona fling her hands at him and disappeared on the backseat.
Ako ang nakipag areglo kay Arjuna dahil siya ang aming bantay. Bago makaalis ang taxi ay sumaludo ito sa akin, si Sean sa kaniyang likuran ay kumakaway sa akin.
We arrived at my flat within minutes. Nag-ayos muna ako ng gamit atsaka umidlip ng kaunti. Nang magising ay naamoy ko kaagad na nagluluto si Beth ng merienda. Si Ramona ay busy sa pagpili ng mga damit.
"What's cooking?" I said out loud as I made my way towards the skyline view of the whole metro.
Thousands of building charged towards the big blue sky like giant warriors defending the land. The medallion up in the sky was almost asleep, his colors divided of yellow, orange, blue, dark blue.
Ilang milya pa man ang aking layo sa tinitirhan ko noon, nararamdaman ko ang pamilyar na gapang ng hangin sa aking balat. I'm getting closer to where I left a big part of me and the feeling was a mixture of radiating glee and longing.
But somehow, I felt safe on myself right now. I miss that part of me but where I'm standing right now, I felt safe. My soul was done searching in this state and I'm perfectly okay with that. Tumingin ako sa aking paligid. Nasa anong palapag ako ng isang matayog na building. Kaya, ano ang mararamdaman ko kung binigyan ako ng pagkakataong bumalik ulit doon sa luma kong apartment?
What would it feel to go back?
"Chrissy! I said, your phone's ringing!" bulyaw ni Ramona sa aking gilid kaya napaigtad ako.
Kinagat ko ang labi at inilihis ang tingin sa nag-aaway na mga imprastraktura. Tinungo ko na ang cellphone para sagutin ang tawag ni Sean.
"We have a problem. Arjuna wouldn't leave me alone so he's with me right now."
"Nasa ibaba na kayo?" Dinampot ko ang aking sunglasses atsaka nagpaalam kina Beth na bababa saglit.
"Yeah. I was hoping for an alone time with my doctora but--"
"Do that and I will cut you," ani Arjuna sa background, earning a deep chuckle from Sean. That chuckle made my insides fluff.
"We'll wait you, Chrissy!" Arjuna shouted once again and the call died. Napailing na lamang ako.
Pagkababa ko ng elevator ay nakita ko na kaagad sila Arjuna at Sean sa lobby. Both was being eye-fucked by the whole lot women passing. Napairap ako nang tumungo sa pwesto nila.
"What do you want, Arjuna?" bungad ko.
"Hey! I was just checking if this little monkey fools around with my little cousin atsaka sumabay lang din ako, 'no!" defensive niyang sabi. Humalukipkip ako.
Sa aking gilid ay ginawa ako ni Sean at tumungo sa aking likuran. He was mouthing something towards Arjuna so that I wouldn't see. Tsk. Boys.
"Hanggang dito ba naman, Arjuna? You still have girls here?" Hindi makapaniwala kong saad. Mayroon na nga siya sa amin, mayroon pa rito?
"No. Yes. I mean, no." Napanguso siya. I felt hands on my shoulder, tapping each fingertips. Sean! "I mean, I have business here. Dad and Tito Nick said I should handle this one since Kuya Ish was out of country."
"Business?"
"Pure business, I swear. I even brought my laptop with me." Itinaas niya ang itim na bag na dala kaya naman mas lalo akong nakumbinsi. Hmm.
Mayroong kamag-anak si Sean na nakita kaya naman nagpaalam ito kaagad sa amin at tumungo roon. Hinayaan ko ito dahil may tinuturo si Arjuna sa aking likuran.
"There! We're his client. I'm having a private meeting with him downtown. You wanna come?" Tumango si Arjuna sa akin ngunit nang lingunin ko ang kaniyang tinutukoy ay nawala ang aking ngiti.
Unti-unti ay para bang tinutupok ako ng apoy na noon pa nagbabaga.
I got shocked to my bones and soul. Kung kanina ay nagulat lamang ako, ngayon ay kinuryente ko sa mga lamang loob ko hanggang sa aking kaluluwa.
Masculine strides were made towards me, the glare in his eyes never faltering. It spoke harsh and cold, even this whole structure crackled.
"Arjuna..." tila ba gusto kong tumakbo paalis sa building na ito.
"Good afternoon, Mr. Donorio. I'm the son of Senator Bernardo Cajucom. He's attending urgent matters right now. He sent me to discuss business with you." My cousin smiled tightly.
"I understand, Mr. Cajucom..."
"This is my cousin, Cristina Cajucom. Chrissy..." Minuwestra ako ng aking pinsan patungo sa lalaking ito.
Tumagilid ang kaniyang ulo sa akin. His brooding eyes burned at my sight. Sa bigat at mapanuri ng kaniyang tingin ay nawawalan ako ng lakas, nanghihina.
"Good afternoon..."
The Italian accent is so thick I could almost taste it on my own tongue. Dripping and delving. Its sounds so husky and low, yet full of authority.
Halos hindi ko maibaling ang tingin sa lalaking nasa harapan ko ngayon. Tatlong taon. Tatlong taon na ang nakalilipas.