Kinabukasan ay ayaw nang lumaban pa ng ulo ko. Napasobra kami kagabi dahil pagtapos mag casino ay niyaya kami ng isang barkada nila Ramona sa isang VIP na may-ari pala ng casino chains na iyon. Hawak ko ang nasisirang ulo.
"Ano bang ginagawa mong bata ka? Palagi na lang sumasakit ang ulo mo. Paanong sasakit iyan kung nandito ka lang sa bahay, Chrissy?" panenermon ni Nanang Thelma sa akin sa kusina.
"Wala po ito. Kulang lang sa tulog," pagsisinungaling ko dahil ang totoo niyan ay napasubo nanaman kagabi.
Nakalusot nanaman ako pero itong isang Tigris na ito ay kanina pa tingin ng tingin. Hindi naman siya makasumbong. Palibhasa, kaya palaging late matulog ay boyfriend ata iyong isang nagpapatrolya.
Habang inaantay ko ang nilulutong lugaw ni Nanang Thelma ay kinuting-ting ko ang aking cellphone. Nag deactivate ako ng facebook tulad ng sinabi ni Ramona, at dahil napagtanto kong iyon din ang aking gusto. Ayaw ko nang makabasa pa ng kung ano tungkol sa akin, at para isang bagong pagkukwento sa buhay ko ang mangyari.
Sa aking bagong gawang Instagram ay nagpasa ako ng picture mula sa ituktok ng aming mansyon. Sina Ramona ang mga nag-like at katulad ng sa facebook ay kay rami rin ng kaniyang followers.
'sean.md started following you', ang dumating na notification.
'sean.md took a photo of you', ang ikalawang dumating kaya napataas ang aking kilay. Siya ang kabarkada nina Ramona, ang anak ng may-ari ng casino kagabi, at siyang nagdala sa amin sa isang VIP room.
Ang laman ng picture ay kaming tatlo magpipinsan na nakaupo sa bar ng kwarto. Nakangiti kaming lahat sa camera at dahil hindi pa ako masyadong lasing niyan kaya naalala ko. Nakita sa background si Arjuna na mag-isang nakaupo sa gilid. Sumunod ito kagabi doon.
'Sean's angels,' ang caption. Umani iyon ng maraming mga puso at kumento dahil sa trio ngunit may ilang nakapansin sa akin.
Naiintriga ako sa mga kumento dahil tila ba hindi friendly na mga tao ang aking mga pinsan. Pero, napag-usapan na rin naman namin kagabi ang tungkol sa pamilya.
Sa totoo lang ay kumportable ako, malayo sa kina Mama. May katumbas ang trio sa side ng pamilya kong iyon na malayo sa kumportable. Iyon lang naman ang mahalaga sa akin. Ang maging maayos.
Nakangisi ako habang binabasa ang batuhan ng mga kumento ni Arjuna at Sean nang alertuhin ng mga kasambahay. Sumilip ako sa bintana, nakitang alerto rin ang mga nagpapatrolya.
"Andiyan na si Papa?" tanong ko kay Nanang Thelma.
"Oo kaya maghilamos ka na para mahimasmasan ka. Maabutan ka ni Gov na ganyan, sige."
Napanguso ako. Naalala ko nanaman ang nangyari kahapon. Nasa sa akin pa rin ang kaniyang credit card tanda na hindi ako nananaginip. At syempre, kung wala ang mahiwagang card ay hindi kami napasok ng casino.
Umakyat na muna ako sa kwarto, sinunod ang matanda.
Hindi pa rin nagbabago ang schedule ni Papa. Ganoon pa ring bihira kaming magkita sa umaga kaya't tanging sa gabi o madaling araw kami magpapang-abot. Kung magkikita man kami ay siya ang susubok sa akin dahil hindi ko pa rin ito kinikibo.
Iyong mga araw na sinasabayan niya akong mag-umagahan ay hindi ko alam kung paano niya naisisingit. Nagkibit-balikat na lamang ako at naligo.
Bumababa ako, suot ang grey sando and a fancy cotton shorts. Eksaktong paakyat naman si Papa kaya nag-abot kami.
"Good morning, hija," he greeted as I tried to dodge him. Napahinto ako.
"Morning po..." Nag-angat ako ng tingin sa pagod niyang mga mata, probably from last night and some other duties.
"I want to talk to you. In my office," malinaw niyang sabi.
A feeling of nostalgia waved through my spine. Sa pamamaraan niyang trato ni Papa sa akin, pakiramdam ko ay nakabalik ako sa aking batang sarili. May ginawang masama kaya papagalitan.
"Right now?" I tried to sound casual, kahit na ang nasa utak ko ay sinasakal ko na si Tigris. Siya siguro ang manunumbong.
"Yes. Are you busy?"
Nang umiling ako ay muling umakyat si Papa na sinundan ko naman. Binaybay nito ang gilid ng balustrade. The thick, delicate carvings on the sides of it matched Papa's perfect stance. Habang ako, nasa kaniyang likuran ay nababahala.
Hindi naman kami nagkita roon sa casino at sinabi ko na rin kay Harold na huwag akong isusumbong.
Sa realisasyon ay napakunot ang noo ko. Papagalitan niya ba ako tulad ng dati?
He expected me to be the same girl after he'd managed to return me here?
The tamed one?
The abandoned puppy?
"Naku, sa principal's office ang bagsak ng bata. Good luck, Chrissy!" Namataan ako ni Nanang Thelma mula sa ibaba. Hindi ko siya pinansin at pumasok na.
The home office complements the Victorian style of our house. Dark corners, warm wood and brown floors. Soft leather chairs gathered around the fireplace, stacks upon stacks of books above it. The luxury was masked by the warm feeling swirling in the air, very much unlike my father.
"Please sit," his voice echoed in the whole room.
Iyon ang aking ginawa. Binunot ko na sa aking bulsa ang kaniyang credit card. Nakabulsa na talaga iyan sa akin kanina at balak kong isoli sa kaniya pagbaba ko.
"What do you want? Is this about last night?" paninimula ko at nilapag sa desk niya ang credit card. Kaunti lang naman ang ginalaw ko d'yan. Ayaw ko ngang galawin iyan.
"What? What did you do last night?" Kumunot ang noo nito kaya naman napataas ang aking kilay.
"Nothing," mabilis kong sabi.
I was sweating bullets still like when I was a kid and I knew I did something wrong. Hindi pa naman pala alam ni Papa so, so much for jumping into conclusions. Sinuri pa niya ako ulit.
"What happened, Chrissy?" he added which I repeatedly told him, "nothing."
Napanatili kong diretso ang aking mukha sa kaniyang pangkikilatis ngunit sumuko na ito kaagad. Bumuntong hininga si Papa at pinagsalikop ang dalawang kamay na nakapatong sa table. Pinaglaruan ko na lamang ang mga daliri ko.
With all honesty, I really hate this part of the house.
"Your sister called me again yesterday. She's been at it since days after you left. I just thought that you are the first person to know..." paninimula ni Papa.
Tila ba nag shutdown ang aking mga iniisip at nagpokus doon. Iyon pala ang kaniyang dalahin. Isang malaking bagay na hindi ko inaasahan, pero alam kong dadating.
I haven't really been updating myself about my old self. It was paused in purpose because I couldn't handle it. And now...
"Anong sinabi niya? Anong pinag-usapan niyo?" taimtim kong sabi.
"Nagtatanong si Yllana kung nasa akin ka raw ba. She's reaching you repeatedly but to no avail. Hindi ba ay nagpalit ka ng sim? At sabi niya'y pati facebook hindi ka niya ma-contact."
"Opo."
Nahugot ko ang hininga. Iyon ang point ng pagpunta ko rito. Ito ay ang pagtakas ko. Nasira na ang buhay ko roon at hindi ko alam kung paanong babalik. Kasama si Yllana sa mga taong hindi ko pa kayang balikan.
Papa looked restraint as he let out a burnt breath into the air. The thunder coiling in his eyes says that he's not finished yet. Napalunok ako.
"When she got married, she still called me in the middle of the reception. Your sister is very devastated why you chose to disappear, especially when you're the maid of honor..." My father firmly stated.
So, it did happen. I shouldn't be surprised.
Ano ka ba, Chrissy? Tingin mo ba ay uunahin ka ng lalaking mahal mo kaysa sa sinasamba niyang pamilya? Sa tingin mo ba, tatalikuran niya ang lahat para sa'yo?
Oh, for pete's sake! I was just a short time to Ram! A part of his play for the betterment of their business! Kaya hindi na dapat ako magtaka na natuloy ang lahat!
Kaya, bakit ako nasasaktan ng ganito? Bakit umuulit nanaman ang walang humpay na sakit?
Fuck, it hurts so much just from hearing it! Because the truth? I still love Ram! All of my being, I'm still rooted to him, the depths of me sinking repeatedly to the depths of him!
Putangina, mahal na mahal ko pa rin!
"And what did you say to her?" my voice cracked in all places, my tears pooling in the corner of my eyes. Nawalan ako ng pakielam na iiyak nanaman ako sa harapan ng aking ama.
"You're with me. We're together living abroad..." Punong-puno ng awa at sakit ang mga mata ni Papa habang pinagmamasdan ako. Niyukom niya ang kamao. Iniwas ko ang tingin.
That's better than me, still in the Philippines. Hindi niya na ako kaya pang tuntunin at hanapin sa ibang bansa. She has to let me go.
"We have to lay low for a few weeks. You know how stubborn your sister is. She'd use all her connections to contact you at kapag nalaman niyang nandito lang tayo ay baka kung ano pa ang isipin. No publicity just for a month or two, maybe."
"Tumawag ba si Ram? Did he ask how I'm doing?" tanging nasabi ko lang.
Nanginginig ang buong kalamnan ko sa galit at matinding sakit na nararamdaman. My face was probably all red and wet from restraining myself. Hirap akong huminga.
Tumango si Papa. "He wants me to take you away as far as I could..."
Kinagat ko ang pang-ibabang labi. Lasang-lasa ko ang tanso dahil sa dugo ngunit mas masakit ang aking dibdib.
Of course, he'd want me away. I might destroy...no...I already destroyed his and his wife's perfect image. And did I fucking cringe at that word...
Wife!
"That's just it? Wala na siyang itinanong pang iba?" dahan-dahan kong tanong. Sobrang sikip ng aking dibdib lalo pa nang umiling si Papa.
I almost jumped from my seat and rounded Papa's corner. Confusion was written all over his face. Huli na nang malaman niyang inaabot ko ang kaniyang cellphone sa loob ng kaniyang suit.
Lumipad ang aking mga kamay sa pakikipag-away sa kaniya. Tumitilapon ang mga rumaragasang luha mula sa aking mga mata kasabay ng pagkawala ng aking kontrol. Paulit-ulit kong inaabot ang kaniyang cellphone ngunit pinipigilan ako ni Papa.
I just wanted to make him understand that Ram wouldn't push me away like that. Would he? I hoped he'd understand that what he went through isn't like mine. A short and secret rendezvous where both parties left after. Gusto ko lang marinig ang boses ni Ram, sinasabing ako pa rin.
Katulad ng kaniyang mga sinasabi noon.
The room was filled with my screams as my hands failed. Hilam na hilam ang aking mga mata sa luha. Hindi na ako makahinga pa sa paghagulgol. Niyakap lamang ako ng mahigpit ni Papa upang pigilan ang aking mga kamay.
He talked with force as to how I can deal with all these but I can't understand him. All I can see was his eyes, full of hurt for his daughter. I felt like I was dying, standing in the middle of hell's fury, tasting nothing but burnt promises on my tongue.
Dumilim ang aking paningin at nawalan ng malay.
Sa aking pagmulat ng mga mata ay nagpokus itong lahat sa entabladong tanging naiilawan sa buong auditorium. Ang puso kong kanina pang sumasabay sa dagundong speaker ay mas lalong bumilis ang tibok nang pangalan ko na ang banggitin.
"Cajucom, Cristina Valle, A. Bachelor of Science in Medical Technology..."
My adrenaline was spiking the whole time I was in our stage. Ngiting-ngiti ako sa camera habang hawak ang diploma, ang aking itim na kapa ay namamayagpag.
I could not help but reminisce so much important things on my life. It all but flashed in my head within nanoseconds starting from the beginning where I was just working my ass off of that bistro. This was my defining moment, to finally achieve something, and my life just went on sequence mode in just point seconds.
Kumaway ako sa aking mga pinsan na nasa ibaba at kina Kuya. They were like a small battalion against the cheers of the many families here too!
Now that my pre-med is done, I am so ready for a break. Then of course, another journey in the med school that I've chosen a few months ago.
Pagkatapos ng aking graduation ay dumiretso na kami sa bahay. Papa wanted an extravagant celebration in a fancy hotel but I declined. Ang gusto ko ay simple lamang at intimate. And besides, I am not in a mood to share my special moment with the public no matter how, sometimes, I like it.
I know that this is just my first ride and there will be more to come especially in my chosen field, but my heart felt like it was bursting. Everybody was here and having fun, and the food was majestically all Filipino cuisine.
"Where's Arjuna? Hindi ba't sinabi niya'y papunta na siya kanina? That asshole!" sabi ko kay Ramona nang hindi mahanap ang kapatid niya.
"Language! The kids are here!" Kuya Ish's voice boomed from our very sparkly garden.
"Sorry!" I shouted back, winking at his youngest and third daughter, Yuna.
I proceeded to harangue my cellphone and called Justine.
"We are in pursuit!" her high pitched voice was reaching levels of octave. Siya ang kasama ni Arjuna kanina noong umalis ito pagkatapos na pagkatapos kong mahawakan ang aking diploma. Ewan ko lang kung bakit pero natutunugan kong dahil sa recent niyang babae!
"What do you mean 'in pursuit'?" I was hysterical over the phone. Ramona over heard and began to fire lengthy profanities over the phone for Arjuna.
"Was it Kate? Linda? Or its Danielle this time?" halakhak ni Beth sa tabi.
"Its Vanessa!" Justine shouted through the speaker and just in time Arjuna came busting through the doors. His hair was messy, bedroom messy and his neck was full of chikinini.
"Arjuna! Why are you so late, boy? Kanina ka pa inaantay ng pinsan mo," ani Tito Bernard, ang ama ni Arjuna.
Before he could answer, Justine came second busting through our doors and pointed accusingly at him. "I hate that woman."
After his interrogation, hinila na namin ito ni Ramona paalis sa marami tao. Si Beth ay lulugo-lugong sumunod sa akin.
"So? Where was it?" I opened my palm, the shiny stone resting on my finger glistening.
"Oh, yeah. I didn't forgot that one. Justine helped me get away with the surveillance cameras and you, you owe me big time." Inilapag ni Arjuna ang isang itim na flashdrive sa aking palad.
This was the one and only copy of the presentation earlier in grad, and some of it was recorded live. Ramona wasn't able to convince the student council, or the president of the council rather dahil iyon ang recent na lalaking kaniyang napaiyak. She considers him fling, while he considers my cousin the whole universe itself.
"You got it. Thanks!" Nag-thumbs up ako kay Arjuna.
"You sure Sean was just a friend?" biglaang singit ni Beth, smiling oh so smugly.
"Yes, Beth. A very, very close friend of mine." Pinandilatan ko ito.
The drive I made Arjuna snatch from the council was very important, because it contains very important happenings inside the school. Isa pa, naroon din ang ilang mga baby pictures, throwback pictures, etc. I was actually planning a little presentation for Sean since its his birthday next week.
Gusto ko ngang hintayin na lang ang kanilang i-aupload ngunit masyadong matagal iyon. And Sean? He wouldn't give me his toddler pictures! Or, his prom, or his most embarrassing moment in school...which were all in my hands now.
"Isosoli ko rin naman ito. Sila ang may problem kasi ayaw nilang magpahiram," sabi ko habang naglalakad na kami patungong garden.
Suddenly, the little crowd of my family made wasn't there anymore and so was some of the lights. Bumilis kaagad ang tibok ng aking puso. I practically jumped when Arjuna covered my eyes with something!
"You think we'd let you go that easy, huh?" halakhak nina Ramona at Beth, marahan akong tinutulak. Naririnig ko ang mga bulong ni Yuna kaya natatawa na rin ako.
"Surprise!" Everybody shouted and my blindfold was released.
Pumutok ang mga party poppers at nagliparan ang mga confetti sa ere. A three layered cake was delivered to me and some of the icings were gone. Agot pointed at Yuna and we all laughed. Aside from the cake were mountains of wrapped gifts on one table.
"Happy graduation, Chrissy. I know my little sister can do it," humalik si Kuya Ish sa aking pisngi, ruffling my hair in the process.
"Thank you! Thanks!" ngiting-ngiti ako habang sinusukli ang kanilang mga yakap at beso. Napi-pressure na ako ngayon dahil papasok na ako sa medical school.
The last one to come to me was Papa. He already gave his gift earlier, before the march. It was a Cartier pearl set and it was expensive enough already.
"Congratulations, Chrissy. I'm so proud of you, my baby..." He lazily smiled and placed something on my open palms. I felt something squarey, rectangley.
"Thank you, Papa. For everything..." Niyakap ko ito ng mahigpit. I...I couldn't have done this without him. He had been my pillar for the past few years, and we managed to build a solid ground from a falling one. It was my greatest decision on that day.
Nang kumalas ako rito ay bahagyang nasira ang kaniyang perpektong styled na buhok. I pretend to dab my two fingers on my tongue and fixed his hair.
"Wait...is that a car? Tito, you gave Chrissy another car?" hindi makapaniwalang saad ni Arjuna. "How come she's already had two cars? Dad..."
"Its not making cling-cling so its not. Idiot," ani Ramona. I laughed out loud.
"Relax, Arjuna. Its not a car. Its a card. Card." I emphasized the last letter difference. Ginaya naman ako ni Yuna kaya napahagalpak kaming lahat.
"A condo unit? Sheez, I'd love that more than a car!" Arjuna moaned in despair
I spent my whole evening like this until one by one, they got sleepy and decided to call it a night. Ang gaan ng aking pakiramdam at tila ba lumilipad lamang. Pagkatapos akong kausapin ni Papa bago siya matulog ay naligo na ako at nagbihis.
Susunduin ako ng trio dahil magsisimula na ang after party. No, this isn't actually a party, its more of a family thing. The actual party starts later.
I wore a black midriff dress which has a long slit, almost peeking into my pelvic bone. My hair was undone from its tight updo a while ago. Discarding the Cartier, I put heavy make up and a pair of hoop earrings.