A man like Dazai Osamu can't possibly be fearsome.
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She knew, she knew from the beginning that she was jeopardizing the very breath that conserved her life. Her status as a member of the Armed Detective Agency could most likely be the reason for her adversity and demise one day. There are crimes considered too violent or difficult for the Military Police to deal with, therefore, it becomes the responsibility of the Agency to solve those crimes. There are residents of Yokohama that respect the organization, whilst some completely disregard them. It becomes an endless cycle of prejudice, and those who defy the Port Mafia becomes a transparent welcome to the hell zone.
[Name] had been consistently mindful of the perils that encircled her, especially when she had no ability to guard herself. She perceived the exhilaration of surviving, but she knew to never underestimate an enemy. With that said, she had never been placed in a dangerous position all alone. She was a strong-willed woman, but there were just some cases that were out of her control. Remaining in a world where humans merely burn by a wooden match was a fiendish and childish game.
[Name] was content with the people she entrusted some part of her life to, maybe a little too much that it became a flaw of hers. As a whole, the members of the Agency were considered family to her. She refused to foresee a life without them, even with all of the bickering she heard each day.
"Stop complaining," [Name] sneered at the man who followed her from behind. It was her day off from work, but that didn't restrain Dazai from acting tenacious. Despite it being the late afternoon, she became mentally tired as if she literally dragged him through the streets of the shopping district in Yokohama city.
"But what's the point if you have no intention to buy anything?" Dazai loudly whined. Citizens strangely glanced at the pair, which made [Name] slightly move away from him like a stranger. She could see from one of the storefronts window how odd they appeared to be compared to other people passing by them.
She didn't know how, but Dazai managed to spot her walking around the city. Comparable to the stray dog that grew attached to her a couple of days ago, he relentlessly followed her. "That's the purpose of window shopping. If you're here to annoy me, then it's working."
"Is it wrong to accompany you on your day off?" Dazai cooed whilst walking closer to [Name]. Truly, any of his responses had the ability to provoke her.
"Yes!" She let out a bellow of aggravation, no longer caring if citizens viewed her as a maniac just like him. The only true maniac in this whole city was none other than Dazai.
[Name] heavily sighed when he beamed a smile, obviously untroubled by her vexation. She lightly rubbed the back of her neck and said, "I appreciate the fact that you decided to accompany me, but what's your reason for that?"
He remarkably didn't respond to her question. Instead of giving an expected ebullient answer, all he did was investigate the crowd forming behind her. Much to her bewilderment, his brown irises didn't seem to have that certain glint of light when he would usually talk to her. His lips formed a thin line when he concentrated, seemingly glaring at whatever was in the heap of the crowd. He couldn't disregard the presence of something malicious the moment he stepped foot out of the Agency. Tailing him, are we now? He presumed this entity didn't know the consequences of having Dazai Osamu as a target.
As usual, she thought this was one of his many ways to frustrate her. [Name] waved a hand in front of his face to get his attention. "Dazai, are you even listening to-"
Almost instantly, he grabbed her hand and began dragging her to a fancy clothing boutique nearby. His flirtatious tendencies emerged when he spotted a couple of gorgeous women entering the boutique with their features beaming with enthusiasm. He wondered how he would react if [Name] would change up her fashion sense once in a while, but he more so desired to make the unknown entity lose track of him. "Look, [Name]! There's a boutique that actually suits you!"
She felt insulted for a brief second. Did he really think she would showcase such gaudy clothing just to please him? She also felt a bit of humiliation when she thought he implied that her current fashion sense didn't look good on her. She forced him to stop dragging her when her legs refused to budge. [Name] honestly had enough for the day, considering she was physically and mentally tired from his blissful attitude. "Dazai, I'm just gonna go home now."
"How boring," he pouted. Dazai released her hand, allowing her to finally walk on her own.
"Says the one that kept complaining," she harshly replied. Knowing that she got the last word, she quickly strolled away from him to return to her apartment. She gritted her teeth each step she took with mild irritation. Men these days surely didn't know how to act around women.
Dazai watched her figure eventually disappear within the crowd of people. A frown was displayed on his face, no longer sensing the strange presence from before. There was absolutely no sign of it as if it vanished without a trace. He continued walking around the shopping district to check if he would be able to sense it, but there was absolutely nothing. The commotion of people and the honking of vehicles didn't make him lose his focus, so why would it stop following him when he was now alone? He listed the possibilities of the entity belonging to the Port Mafia wanting him back, or holding an outright grudge against him for numerous reasons. Unless...
Dread flashed within his wide eyes and Dazai Osamu barely knew a feeling such as that. It seemed that anything involving that woman made him act out of character. It was a complete miscalculation on his part. He almost bitterly laughed to himself when his lips twitched into an agitated smirk.
"Shit."
While she strolled to her apartment, [Name] saw the lights blaze in the dusking sky. The sight of the twilight brought her into a state of serenity. She was finally able to cool down after socializing with that extraordinary man. It was frankly incredible how Dazai let her go home without any sort of inconvenience. He unbelievably behaved weirder than usual. [Name] didn't want to stress over it, since there could be a chance that he was messing with her. Overthinking about his behavior wasn't worth her time at the end of the day.
When she unlocked the door to her customary apartment, she felt a sense of uneasiness. She wasn't conscious of the explanation, but her body responded by becoming rigid. It was obviously dim when she arrived yet, she had a queer feeling that she was being watched. Without a moment of hesitation, she turned on the light, revealing nothing peculiar. However, [Name] didn't want to release her sensation of apprehensiveness so effortlessly. Her legs trembled a bit as she walked to her bedroom, setting her wallet onto her desk.
She paused for a moment, staring at the wallet with widened eyes. She felt a strange presence that watched her from behind. [Name] didn't know how or why, but if she learned anything from the Agency, it was to never let her guard down no matter the situation.
The presence felt stronger than before, causing her heart to rapidly beat against her chest. The phobia of the unknown made her hand grasp for a pair of shears in her pencil holder. Without another second to spare, [Name] didn't waver to stab the existence that reached out for her.
The presence turned out to be an older man cloaked in black clothing. He let out a sharp cry of pain as he held onto her shoulders. The shears dug onto his shoulder, blood beginning to soak his arm. His grip wasn't sturdy enough to keep her in place, so she took the advantage to shove him away and sprint for the front door.
Much to her dismay, the man still had enough potency to grasp the back of her shirt. [Name]'s back contacted the ground with a piercing thud. The man, whom she speculated to be a lower status within the Port Mafia, prevented her from getting up by holding down her chest with one of his hands. He gouged the shears from his shoulder and plunged it to the ground with force. Frantically searching for something in his pocket, he took out a jar filled with pills. [Name] let out a shout of frustration, making violent efforts to get up from the ground.
"Shut up, and take your goddamn medicine!" The man growled as he took out two pills from the jar. [Name] knew that shrieking for help wouldn't do any good, so hoping that her efforts would save her were her only option. She clawed his face as best she could, feeling the dampness of his skin underneath her fingernails. She felt her eyes stinging from tears not because of fear, but resentment.
The man painfully strained her jaw to open widely. It was like he was threatening her to open her jaw, or else he would've snapped it with his own hand. No matter how much she tried to push him off of her, her efforts had no use on him. The man sadly managed to pry the pills down her throat. Her eyes rolled to the back of her head in a matter of minutes and her arms fell limp to her sides. A dreamless sleep was sent to her as all of her energy drained from her body.
Was it all a nightmare from the moment she awoke or was all of it the reality? Was it practical to distinguish madness and balance? Was it immoral to wish that the agony wasn't real or was it moral to accept it?
"It itches."
Contemplating, contemplating, contemplating.
"Make it stop."
The deepest color comparable to blackberries represented the ignorant and neglected blood from within her veins. The laws of this world kept her adrift from the floor, trying to expel the despicable thoughts that had woven into her mind.
"Save me."
Ants, maggots, pupas, roaches, spiders, larvae, beetles burrowed in and out of her throat. Nails clawed them out with tremendous effort until the color of the squished blackberries dripped from her fingers and dried underneath her nails. It seemed like she was coughing, but it didn't sound normal. Her mouth was most likely clogged up from vomiting blood. Her groans made it hard to say if she was coughing or vomiting.
She wished to know their every move, their every response, their every touch. She blamed herself for being utterly ignorant, resulting herself in this state of lunacy. She sank to her knees as she glanced at the human who made her turn out like this. The crazed eyes of the woman begged for help from the man, but all he could utter was, "I can't help you."
"Or you won't help me?"
The entrance to her apartment opened with a slam, revealing absolute darkness. She let out a whimper when she felt an unknown force drag her to the door, the door that sucked others into oblivion. All she could see, all she could feel was darkness smothering her as it pressed against her from all sides.
She let out small whimpers and pleading cries as it dragged her. Her nails clawed at the floor, using all of her remaining strength to crawl away. Despite clawing and fighting against the thick tension that constricted her all around, there was no path of light. She could feel her nails chip and her fingers bleeding from the impact of the floor. She could hear other souls being tortured from the other side of that door.
Just as her body was lifted up from the ground and was about to enter the gates of hell, she felt something seize her hands.
"Dearest, that's enough."
She finally saw everything clearly. Dazai was crouched in front of her, whilst holding her bloody hands in his own. [Name] was in complete awe as she stared at her drenched hands. She didn't like the way the metallic tang stuck to her throat nor did she like the way the crimson droplets streamed down in rivulets down her chin. The moment she was about to be sucked into oblivion, that was the exact moment she was about to rip her throat until she bled to death.
It has been a long time since she last saw the light in Dazai's eyes simply vanishing by a turn of events. What she couldn't see through his eyes became more terrifying than someone openly expressing their rage. They were usually reddish-brown eyes, half-amused, half-bored. This time, it appeared as if they were seething animosity. They were eyes that could see through everything. Gods and demons would flee from those bottomless eyes of his.
The man stood behind the two, trembling a bit ever since Dazai entered her apartment. He had never met the former executive of the Port Mafia, but he knew about the living legend. The demonic prodigy was meant to be feared by many. Mori Ōgai had a reason for expecting him to return as his talented executive. A low rank such as himself had acted upon his own reckless impulses that not even the Port Mafia as a whole would approve. He wanted to prove that he was more than just a weak man looked down upon by the higher ranks. He disregarded the idea that he would be killed once he returned to headquarters for interrupting the balance between the Port Mafia and the Armed Detective Agency.
"I-If you make a move, then-" The man stuttered before he was disturbed by the artificial amusement belonging to the brunette.
"Then what?"
Dazai stood up and glanced at the man with wicked eyes. Those monstrous eyes bored through the man's very being, calculating his every move. An intimidating grin slowly crept upon his features, walking closer to the terrified man.
"What will you do?" He asked once more. The man was too stunned to even realize Dazai's hand was placed tightly around the man's neck as his fingers constricted his airway provokingly. The man gasped for oxygen each second his fingers applied pressure. It was like he was watching with genuine curiosity if he could kill the man by applying the right amount of pressure to make his skin color drain of all color. Alas, he told himself he wouldn't kill the man for trying to boost his ego by killing the harmless woman. He promised he wouldn't dirty his already tainted hands.
"What can you do?"
His tone dripped of thick venom, even sending a shiver down [Name]'s spine. She watched the chaotic scene that took place in front of her, completely mesmerized by what was occurring. She couldn't fathom how a man such as himself could be so terrifying.
"I advise you to not look," Dazai quietly said to her a little too cautiously. [Name] did as she was told to and shut her eyelids without hesitation. All she could hear was a single cry of anguish coming from the man until it quickly died down. When she heard the man's limp body fall to the floor, she opened her eyelids and saw Dazai crouched in front of her once again. She glanced at the body from a short distance and noticed there was no visible blood spilling from the man. He most likely fainted from the shock or he was knocked unconscious.
He sensed his brown irises expressing an amount of concern he already understood, but she was too anxious to direct her attention to anything else besides the chipped floor. [Name] wanted to thank him, to hold onto him as she cried. All she wanted was consolation as the burning sensation from her neck diminished and the blood that slid from her lips stained her skin. Instead, she croaked out, "Why are you here?"
It didn't take her too long to guess.
"Did you know this would happen?"
"Yes," he simply replied as his eyelids lowered. He felt something bile rise inside his mouth, almost as if he could feel the blood clogging her own throat. She had every right to hate him, to add more wounds to his body. He knew it was his fault she ended up like this, and it was her fault for relying on someone to save her when she couldn't.
She sensed her eyes becoming glossy and her lips gaping a bit. Tears silently streamed down her cheeks as a feeling of dread developed inside of her. She finally understood what immortality felt like. Being able to feel the burning pain, but not being able to die. If the fear of dying existed, then was the fear of not being able to die acceptable?
"Then why didn't you help me from the start?"
Dazai chose to not respond to her harrowing interrogation. The only action he made was his finger delicately wiping away her teardrops. After all, it was all he could do if he wanted to have this feeling of guilt go away. It was like the two have been rejected by the world itself and were now together in oblivion.
Memo: Don't be deceived by Dazai Osamu's carefreeness. He is more than what meets the eye.
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Just for this chapter, I was inspired by a scene by the real Dazai Osamu's book called No Longer Human.
I was also in a Higurashi no Koro Ni phase when I thought about this chapter. If any of you watched the anime or read the manga, you will know about The Hinimizawa Syndrome. The symptoms of this disease are an amalgamation of real symptoms, including clawing out one's throat due to the sensation of insects crawling under their skin. It's a real symptom called formication. Lovely, huh?
I didn't bother to mention this in the chapter, but Reader/You were forced to swallow more than one dosage of eszopiclone, which is used to treat insomnia. If a person gets up shortly after taking it, they may experience dizziness, lightheadedness, and hallucinations.
「Rewritten on December 20, 2019」
「Originally published on July 17, 2016」