I walk into school and head straight to my locker expecting him to be standing there, but he's not. No. I rush to put my things away, so I can find him before class. He can't think that I hate him. He just can't. Not after everything. Not after I fell in love with him.
I look through the halls, and it doesn't take me two seconds to see him pressed up against Emma. The same girl he was grinding with at the party. The same girl who broke up with him because she thought he had something with me. He's kissing her. He's kissing her in the most vulgar way you could possibly kiss another human being. Funny how every time I'm looking for him, he's already found what he's looking for.
I turn my head feeling the pain sink deep in my chest. This. This feeling right here. The feeling of wanting to simply disappear is becoming normal when it comes to him. This is a feeling that should not feel normal to any human being at all.
I run away to the girls bathroom, and thank God no one is in here because no one can see me break down like this. I lock myself in the stall, and like a pathetic loser, I cry. I cry like the sorry idiot I am.
Everything hurts. It hurts to breathe. It hurts to move. I feel that pain in my chest and deep in my stomach. Everything hurts.
~*~
Now!
~*~
I walk through the doors of my house and my mom sits in the kitchen reading one of her cooking magazines. It's sad when you can't remember the last time you've had a mother daughter talk with your own mother. The one person who gave birth to you.
I slowly put my things down near the door, and I walk up to my mom and take a seat next to her. She looks up at me, past her wire glasses, and sets them down along with the magazine.
"Mom, I need to talk to you." I say and the words hurt more than they should. It's hard trying to speak when there's a lump growing in your throat, threatening to break through.
"Is everything ok, Grace?" she asks me hesitantly, and that right there is my breaking point. Where have I gone?
What is happening to me? I feel my chest become tighter as the tears fall from my eyes and they just don't stop. It hurts. Everything hurts.
I miss myself. I feel like I truly did lose me when all of this started. I miss the girl who painted her nails pretty colors and did her hair in gorgeous braids. I miss the girl who never stopped smiling. I miss the girl who used to talk to her best friend and her mother because those to were the most important people in her life. I used to play with my sister. I used to call my brother, Josh. Who am I now? I don't even recognize myself anymore.
"No, mommy. I'm not." I say as that lump reaches the surface and then here I am. Balling my eyes out in my kitchen as my mother rushes to my side and holds me in her arms.
The sobs become deeper and I feel myself cave into her chest. I just wanted someone to hold me and tell me that everything would be alright. I just wanted someone.
"Baby, it's ok. You're ok. I'm here." she says as she rubs circles around my back. She knows. I think she always knew something was wrong, but she never knew how to approach the daughter who shut down and wouldn't speak. How do you even handle a situation like that?
It's been years since I've hugged my mother like this. Years. All of that time I lost because I couldn't deal with myself anymore.
I did this to myself. I suppose all of the bullying just pushed me over the edge.
~*~
I told my mom everything. Everything except the cutting. That, she doesn't need to know about. She doesn't need to know. It would just cause more damage. I told her about Tyler and how the bullying started and that's why I shut down. At one point, she did cry with me, and it only got worse when my dad walked through the door.
The three of us sat on the couch as they held me and I felt somewhat better again. I felt more human and loved than I have in a long time, but now I'm back at school.
It's like two different worlds. The one you deal with at home, and the one you deal with out in public where people can see you. Two completely different things, but it's up to you to decide whether or not you choose to keep it all in or let it all out, depending on what the issue is. Whether it be divorced parents or a relationship ending after years. All of it hurts. All of it sucks. And everyone handles it differently.
I walk into the school building and make my way to my locker. I put my things away and as I turn around to go to my first hour, there he is with his back pressed against the wall as he laughs with Emma. I have to look away. It hurts too much to look at him be happy with someone else.
I walk into first hour and take a seat at my desk in the back. Nothing feels right this morning. Nothing feels like today is going to be a good day.
Noah and Quinn walk into class with devious looks on their faces. They both walk right up to me and take a seat in the desks next to me.
"So, word around school says that you two aren't friends anymore." says Quinn with a small laugh as she twirls her hair like the ditz she is.
"Me and who?"
"Don't play dumb, Grace. You know who." shoots back Noah, and I feel my chest sink. Yeah I know who. I just don't want to think about him right now.
"Aw. Who's gonna protect poor Grace now? Nobody loves you do they? What a sad little loser. Why don't you just go back to slicing up your wrists?"
It's almost been two months that I haven't touched the blade. I felt in control when Tyler was with me, but now I don't really feel like I have it all together anymore.
"Who's gonna save you now?" she says to me and bursts into laughter along with Noah. As if life couldn't get any worse. The tormenting starts again. I was stupid to ever think that it would stop.
Thankfully, the bell rings and they go to their seat, away from me, but that doesn't change the fact that this isn't the last time that this will be happening. They won't stop. They never will.
~*~
It's been a week. A full week since the fallout with Tyler. We haven't said a word to each other. I've tried to talk to him, but every time I get close to him, Emma pops up and steals his attention before I can even get a fighting chance.
I cut last night. For the first time in two months, I took out my razor and sliced a line through my wrist. It hurt like hell, but it felt good. It made me feel better.. at least I guess it did.
I pull my long sleeves back down to cover my wrists and head to the cafeteria. Lindsey sits at the table waiting for me, and I fake a smile for her once I sit down.
"He's upset Grace."
"Who?"
"Tyler." Hearing his name out loud hurts like hell. I miss him. I miss him more than I care to admit, but that doesn't change the fact that he doesn't miss me.
"What's he upset about and why should I care?" I ask her as I open my lunch bag and focus on anything else to keep me from breaking down.
"Oh come on Grace. He cares about you. He's been a wreck ever since you guys had that fight at the game."
"And how would you know all of this?"
"He hasn't smiled." Now I look at her. He had to have smiled at least once. He's Tyler. Tyler is always smiling. Whether it be laughing at my idiotic mistakes or just being charming, he always smiles.
"He's turning back into his old self before he met you, and I don't think he wants that. You can see that he's struggling without you."
"I don't care." I say and look back down at the table. I can't care is better. I can't care for someone who doesn't love me back. It's emotionally draining, and that pain never seems to just go away. Always there, aching slightly every time you move or breathe.
"Yes you do. Sooner or later the two of you are going to make up. It's bound to happen."
"I don't know about that, Lindsey." I tell her as flashbacks of his broken eyes looking at me that night come into frame. For him it was really over.
"But I am."
"And why is that?"
"Because you love him."
For a moment everything inside of me becomes very still. The noise of the cafeteria coming to a quiet hum, and the only thing I can clearly hear is my heart beating slowly in my chest. She's right. There's no denying the fact that I love him so much that it hurts me. It hurts me so bad to be without him. I miss his smile, his laugh.. his touch. I miss Tyler.
"Just talk to him, Grace."
"You know I would, but he hasn't even looked at me since that night. He wants nothing to do with me. It's over, Lindsey."
The rest of lunch is quiet, and it feels like crap. I miss him all the time. He's beginning to feel like a dream, and that scares me because he wasn't a dream. He was Tyler.
He was my Tyler.
And I lost him.
~*~
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