I walk into school feeling exhausted. I didn't sleep at all last night. I stayed up staring at the ceiling, every once in awhile a couple tears would fall from my eyes, but I wiped them away before the rest could fall. I think I hugged Fred so tight that his stuffing almost came out, and that only made me even more upset, but I'm at school now. School is supposed to be drama free, and that's how I plan to keep it.
I walk up to my locker and sure enough, Tyler is standing there waiting for me. He isn't smiling like he is every morning. He looks exactly the same as I left him yesterday.
I open my locker, and he doesn't speak. He just looks at me, and I would normally feel uncomfortable, but I'm too tired to care this morning.
"Do you need something?" I ask him bitterly as I continue to put my things away.
"Don't do that."
"Do what?"
"Be cold when you know I care about you." My breath stops in my throat as the words fall from his mouth. Does he have to say it like that?
"You only care about me because I'm your charity case." I say, but I don't meet his eyes. I don't want to see him right now.
"Are you kidding me? You are not a damn charity case." he says, all traces of sadness replaced with anger. I slowly look up at him only to find him desperately searching to meet my eyes.
"Yes I am. That's why we became friends right?" I say sarcastically, and I know I should stop because he's getting really angry, but I just can't. I can't shut my stupid mouth up.
He slams my locker shut making me jump, and he steps so close to me that my back is pressed up against the lockers behind us. My heart is racing in my chest as I struggle to breathe.
"I know what you're doing." he says in a deadly whisper that sends chills up my entire body leaving me breathless.
"What the hell are you talking about?" I ask as I feel the panic rising in my chest.
"You try to push people away when things get serious. You push people away because you're afraid of someone actually caring about you."
"I do not."
"You do too. You're terrified of getting hurt again. Am I right?" I feel the panic attack coming fast as my breathing becomes heavier, faster, deeper.
"Well guess what, Grace? I'm not going to hurt you."
"Can't you see that you already have?" I say to him and I feel like I just let go of a deep breath I was holding in. I feel like I let go of feelings I was holding back after saying that simple sentence.
I watch his face go slack, and I push away from him and go to class. I didn't want it to go like that, but that's how it always goes.
~*~
I walk into the cafeteria and take a seat at my table. Lindsey looks at me, worried. Now I feel awful. Now I feel like a dirty person. I shouldn't have snapped at her yesterday. She was being Lindsey. Overly joyful Lindsey. Trying to set me up with the guy I love. Who I screwed things up with too. I am just on a roll lately.
"I'm sorry for getting mad yesterday. I had a lot going on, and I shouldn't have snapped at you." I tell her and she sighs and gives me a small smile.
"I'm sorry too. I shouldn't have been such a blabber mouth.... but what did happen yesterday?" she asks me and only now do I meet her eyes.
"What do you mean?"
"Tyler was scared to death. He ran back into the cafeteria going on about how you were crying and he didn't know what to do or how to be there for you after what you said. What the hell did you say?"
I feel like I can't speak for the hundredth time. I just stare at her not knowing what to do. He is the only reason I am ever speechless. Every other situation in my life I have the words for, but when he's in the mix, suddenly, I don't know what to say.
"I was hysterical. I don't even remember what I said." I say as I shake my head and try to focus on the small dots on the cafeteria table. Anything but this conversation.
"Tyler was worried, Grace. I really do think this one likes you."
"As a friend."
"No, as more than that. Way more than that." she says shaking her head at me.
"The game is tonight if you still want to go. I think it'll be good to get out of the house and get some fresh air. Especially after your crappy day yesterday."
"You're right."
"Good. You still have Aaron's jersey right?"
"Yeah." I say, vivid memories coming to surface of the first football game I went to that I watched Tyler. So much happened that night. I never would've thought it would be like this one day.
"Wear that and your war paint." she says with a wink, but I can't bring myself to be the least bit happy right now. So, I fake a smile.
~*~
I walk towards the bleachers with Lindsey. Haley and Parker skipped tonight, so it's just us.
We pick a seat close to the game, and I feel myself becoming heavier. Like all the weight of the world is slowly falling back on my shoulders.
I feel like I screwed up for myself. Damn it. I don't know whether to be sad or angry or both. Either emotion will be directed towards myself.
My thoughts are interrupted when the man in the box starts to get the crowd riled up. My attention is turned to the fog filling up the front gates where the doors into the locker rooms are.
"Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your South High Lions!!" he says drawling out every word adding to the dramatic affect.
The football team bursts through the doors each and every one of them with energy like they're on crack. Bouncing wildly, banging on their chests as the crowd screams for them.
One number in particular catches my eye. Number 43. He shows little excitement compared to his other teammates. As he makes his way on the field, his eyes drift up to the crowd as he takes off the helmet. His eyes meet mine for a brief moment, and I forget to breathe. His eyes drop as a teammate shoves him with big smiles, excited for the game.
The game begins.
~*~
Not a surprise. Our team won. Just like they always do, but I wasn't paying attention to this game. Not like the last. I saw him run out on the field, and it became too much for me to handle. I had to tune it all out if I was ever going to hold it together.
Everyone is heading out and me and Lindsey get up to follow the crowd out to the parking lot. I feel the weight with every step I take. I had forgotten what it felt like to feel like this.
I jump when Tyler pops up in front of me in a panic. It looks to me like he ran here, but he definitely looks like he has a lot on his mind right now. But then again, we all do.
"Tyler what are you doing?"
"I can't hold it in anymore."
"Hold in what?" I ask as I feel my heart to beat so fast I can feel it at the bottom of my throat.
"Grace, I don't know what the hell I'm doing anymore because before I met you, I thought I had everything planned out, but you come along reminding me of a really shitty past. I wasn't going to leave you there all alone. So of course I helped. Of course I did. Yes, you were a charity case." he says and I feel like I've just been punched in the stomach.
"What's the point of all this?" I ask, wanting him to get on with it, and he closes his eyes and shakes his head.
"Just let me finish. All of this changed at the bowling alley." My head snaps back up to meet his eyes and I freeze.
"I started seeing you as an actual human being, and it scared to shit out of me when I actually started catching feelings for you. Real feelings. I don't feel for anyone. Ever. Not since my sister. I felt like nothing after she died. You make me feel so many things, and that scares me."
I stand here completely shocked. I must be dreaming. He can't be saying these things.
"You are everything to me, and I can't lose you. Not after I was just learning what it's like to have you. I need us to be friends Grace. I need you in my life. I've never had a best friend like you, and I don't plan on losing that."
There it is. I knew something was coming. That right there is my awful slap back into reality. There's always a but coming after the big reveal.
"You don't get it do you?" I say quietly as I watch his expression change completely. No longer desperate, but confused. How could he be so clueless?
"When are you going to open your eyes, Tyler? I don't want to be friends. I don't understand why you can't see that now. It's obvious." You'd think he'd know by now that I love him. You'd think he'd know by now that he's everything to me, but he still can't put the pieces together.
"I get it." he says quietly with a hurt expression. "If that's what you want, then I'll leave you alone. You've got your wish."
No. He didn't think I meant not being friends as in not being friends did he? No. Please no.
He storms off in a huff, and I feel my entire world start to shatter.
"Tyler wait!" I call after him but he keeps walking. He doesn't dare look back. I just ruined it. I ruined my one chance at happiness. I ruined the only good thing in my life.
I didn't mean it like that. I never meant it like that. I meant that I loved him. I love him! He can't walk away. Not after everything.
What the hell have I done?