If there were something I could change about that night, it would be that I did not torture them enough. The fact that I let them off way too easily only made me want to return to that night and to do so much more. But I couldn’t. What was done, was done.
Do I feel any remorse for killing my family?
No, I do not.
Ever since that night after being dragged away from the home and into the back of a cop car, with neighbors watching while standing scattered around the front of my home in their pajamas, people have done so much to try to make me feel awful for killing them. I’ve gone through so many court hearings over the last few months as well as therapy and waiting to hear what they want to do with me.
They trailed me as an adult since I was 16 years old at the time of the murder, but the woman that represented me in court tried to get me from going to prison by trying to get me to plead insanity. They brought to the court’s attention that I was sexually abused by my brother-in-law and stated I was only pushed to that limit.
I agree
I have no problem with admitting that I’ve gone insane. That I enjoyed stabbing the man that tortured me for such a long time.
After a year of the state pushing and shoving as to what to do with me, they finally decided to plead insanity on my case and I am to spend my time in a sanitarium. For how long? I do no know. All I was glad for was for the court hearings to be over.
So here I am.
17 years old in a white van entering a chain gate with brick walls all around a large brick building. My hands were chained in front of me, hooked to a chain that was tightly wrapped around my waist. I guess they thought I was going to try to kill someone again.
Smart people, no?
The van stopped and moments later the slide door opened, allowing the bright sunlight to pour in. Wincing, I look away and blinked a couple times before looking over, seeing a couple women and a single man in white outfits with another woman in a well-tailored gray suit with the skirt to her knees. Her blonde hair pulled back into a bun so tight that I could swear her face was going to tear. “Hello, Ari. My name is Miss. Pierce. I will be working with you during your stay here.”
I eye her, arching an eyebrow before licking my lips to speak. “Aren't I lucky?”
“Great! I’m glad you approve. Now, let’s get inside and show you around.”
The woman obviously dumber than a box of rock is she didn’t see the sarcasm. But I guess I’ll humor her while I’m stuck with the broad and act like I actually like her.
Sighing, I slip out, fighting with the chains that kept my hands within a certain length in front of me. The man stayed close, but apparently he knew I did not like men and he made sure to not touch me only if it was needed. What was I going to do? Run? With the chains on me, I couldn’t even scratch the god-awful itch on the tip of my nose at the moment.
“So Ari-” Miss. Pierce started as she lead the staff and myself inside of the building. “While you’ll be staying here, you will be treated kindly and will be sure to make sure you get all the held you need. And since it’s lunchtime, let’s get you changed and then get us a bite to eat at the cafeteria and I will explain everything to you there. Does that sound good?”
I didn’t believe a word she was saying.
As I looked around, I could see the other patients walking in the same direction-my guess was the cafeteria-and they all appeared to be zombies. No emotions on their faces. Just pure...emptiness.
We stop in the middle of the hallway, allowing one of the nurses to take the chain off of me. My eyes roamed the area, seeing the walls were all white. Truth be told, I wouldn’t be surprised if one who wasn’t crazy before entering this place, didn’t turn crazy with all the white. From the nurses to the clothes the patients were wearing-everything was white.
Miss. Pierce led me into a room with no windows, which only had a dresser next to a door that led to an unknown place. The woman reached into a drawer and took out my clothes that had been waiting for me and handed them to me, turning to give me some privacy to change. I look at the cotton white outfit and then up at her. Gulping, I slowly strip down completely, shivering as the cool air hit me and I quickly slip the white undergarments on and then the white pants, t-shirt, and the socks and shoes. The clothes were slightly big on me, but found it to be a bit comfortable.
“Are you ready?”
I look up at Miss. Pierce and licked my lips before replying. “Yes.”
We head down the hall and into the large cafeteria. I immediately every single face that came by me. Some people were sitting in-groups acting as if they had all been best friends for years, but then there were some that stayed away from others and played with their food. “What would you like to eat?”
I didn’t break my glance. I just continue to look as I followed her, seeing police officers standing guard in each direction I turned my eyes to. Other large men in white walked around. Each making sure none of the patients tried to slaughter one another.
“Ari?”
I look up.
The woman staring down at me with that ugly smile of hers. Her teeth were yellow-obviously either a coffee drinker or a smoker...or both. “What would you like to eat?” She repeated.
I look over at the line of people getting food. If the food here was like school food, I didn’t want any of it. “I’m not hungry.”
“You must eat.” Her tone was a bit sterner. “Why don’t you go find a seat for us and I’ll go get you some lunch?”
I only shrugged, but she just turned and marched on. I wrinkled my face before sticking my tongue out at her. I didn’t like her. Too smiley and too fake for my taste.
With a huff, I walk around the room. My arms wrapped around myself to avoid anyone bumping into me as they walked by. Slipping into an empty seat in the back corner, my eyes automatically scan the room again. It was busy, but not as many people as I would have thought. The entire building was large, yet I felt as if I was looking at only half.
“Here ya go.” I jump, looking up and saw Miss. Pierce with a couple plates of food and she sat mine down and then sat herself down across from me.
I look at the food.
Don’t ask me what it was, because I can’t even begin to tell you what I was looking at. Then I look across the table to her plate and saw it was a salad.
I think I might go vegetarian while I’m here.
“Okay, let me start by explaining the important details.” The woman started as she stabbed her salad with her plastic fork. “You will be with me a big part of the day for the first few weeks. Therapy will be every day.” She took a bite of her salad. I listen quietly, using my own fork to stab at the brown looking thing on my plate. “When I see you are making improvements, I will allow you to have more time alone.” I think its veal. “You wake up at 7, and you will get cleaned up, take your medication, and do whatever chores you are assigned. Breakfast is at 8 and after breakfast, you will have some free time in the courtyard.” Maybe meatloaf? “Then at noon you and I will have our session. There are different group sessions we also do to allow each patient interact with one another and to learn how to deal with others.” She looks up at me while chewing. “Any questions so far?”
“What is this?”
Blinking, the woman arched an eyebrow. “Excuse me?”
I stab what was on my plate. “What the hell is this supposed to be?”
The woman sigh, “Meatloaf.”
Bingo.
“I thought so.” I nod, looking up at her and I could see she was irritated. “I-I have no other questions.”
The woman smile. “Great!” She digs into her food even more. All while she was eating, she would talk about the rules and regulations. I pretended to listen as I quietly ate into the awful ground meat. The only parts that struck out to me was that we could go outside twice a day. One in the morning after breakfast, and one at night before dinner. I already knew those were going to be the highlights of my days.
After lunch Miss. Pierce showed me around the premises. The nurses office to the restrooms and showers. When we got to the rooming area, I manage to peak into one and saw someone sound asleep. Miss. Pierce called for me, and I hurried to follow, hearing my shoes squeak along the clean floor.
My room was on the far left and when I stepped inside, I saw only a bed and a side table. The only light was on the ceiling-a single light bulb that could only turned off and on by the controls outside of the room. The walls were white. The bed was white. The dresser was white. Every thing was white.
“Do you want to go outside now?”
I turn and for the first time since I have arrived, I smiled. Ever since the day I murdered my family, I was not really allowed to go outside, so you can only imagine how much I missed it.
Miss. Pierce led me towards the doors that went to outside, and I wanted to hurry her up since she was walking in front of me, but I kept quiet and just walked eagerly, going through the large doors to outside. I blink a couple times from the sunlight, looking around and saw the large courtyard. It basically looked like prison’s courtyard but with a chain fence on one side. I follow the woman around, seeing people were walking around, some were playing games. Each person was about my age, too.
I look over to the fence, seeing others on the other side. “Who are they?” I ask.
“Hmm?” Miss. Pierce looked over in the direction I was eyeing and she sighed softly. “Those people are the most dangerous in the sanitarium.” She answered. “Those that seem to be lost causes and don’t want any help. I only pray you do not end up over there.”
My curiosity was peaked, I wanted to ask her more, but she looked down at her watch. “I’ll leave you to relax for a while. I’ll come get you and we can start on our first therapy session.” She smiled at me. “See you soon.” She nodded and walked off.
Saying nothing in return, I just watch her walk off before I turn to look around. From the looks of it, those that ran this place did not care at all if people hurt one another. The men in charge were just smoking in a corner, looking completely lost in their own conversations.
Wrapping my arms around myself, I walk along the large fence, looking over at the ones Miss. Pierce called ‘lost causes’. They were mostly men, but I was able to catch sight of a woman here and there.
I began to wonder...
Will I end up over there?
Will I loose my mind so much to the point they will have no choice but to throw me in there?
Will I be a lost cause?
In the back of my mind, I thought I already was.
Just someone waiting for my mind to completely snap again. Like a ticking time bomb-waiting for my second wind. Waiting for the right moment to kill again.