I wake up to a parched throat. And ughh...my eyes are definitely swollen. What is with this grogginess. I turn my head on the pillow and I see an angel lying next to me. In an instant every other feeling in my body fly away and only bliss remains. She is sleeping soundly with her arm stretched over my stomach. Taking care not to jostle her awake, I slowly turn my body towards her so that I can study her face better. I carefully move the strands of hair away from her face. I swear, I don't think I can ever get tired of looking at this. This is my second favourite face of hers, and it ties with the face she gives to encourage me during a performance. My all time favourite though is her laughing face. But aren't her eyes looking a bit puffy? What's up with that? It's as if she was crying last night...last night...oh oh oh...that's right. Crap. Memories of last night come flooding inside my head. What was I thinking? I know exactly what I was thinking though. I slap myself mentally for my breakdown. I must have worried her a lot. Why did I do that?
I carefully get out of the bed to get a drink of water. I look at the clock and it's six thirty. Still plenty of time to sleep as we have the day off today. I down two glasses of water and head for the bathroom to check what is left of my appearance after last night's breakdown. Standing in front of the mirror I see two of the puffiest eyes I have ever seen staring back at me. And are those tear stains on my cheek? Honest to god tear stains? Thank god for the off day! I return to the room after giving my face a quick wash. Maybe I can sleep the ugliness away. Not wanting to wake Moa up, I head for her bed.
"You're not coming back to bed?"
I turn and see Moa stretching under the covers.
"Oh, you're awake? I was afraid I'd wake you so...," I say as I go and climb in with her. I settle in facing her. It's nice and warm with her here. She lifts her hand and touches the area around my puffy eyes. I cringe mentally as this reminds me of last night.
"I'm really sorry about last night. I don't know what came over me. Please please please forgive me for doing that to you," I start apologising.
"Don't worry about it. It's good to let your feelings out every now and then. Our work is stressful enough as it is, no need to pile on more to the stock of stress by keeping things bottled inside. I think I actually needed a good cry too. I feel kinda refreshed right now."
Oh, Moa. You're so good to me. I smile, letting her know I appreciate it.
"But I'm not completely satisfied with your explanation last night. I don't think it was only because you're going to miss us and the BABYMETAL life. I think there was something more to it, more you didn't tell me. I mean come on, we've been working together for what...six years...now, and that was my first time seeing you like that. The most I've seen you cry was during the first Sakura Gakuin graduation, at the graduation of Ayami-chan, Ayaka-chan and Airin. But last night...that was something else. That was something someone like me might do. Not someone like you. So spill."
Cripes! There is just no getting past her. It's at times like this that I find it so frustrating that she can read me so clearly. Where was she with this ability during the initial days when I was still stupid enough to try and let her notice my feelings? She never caught on even with the many little hints I would drop here and there. But I stopped doing that around a year and half ago when I finally thought things through, and soon after that she came out with this new all-seeing ability of hers.
"So?" she presses.
I don't know how to reply. I can't tell a lie since she'll see through me right away. But I can't tell her the truth either. I won't be able to stand it if I do tell her the truth and she starts avoiding me or something. I can't risk it. So I say nothing and look down.
"Look. I don't like this either, pressing you for an answer when it's clearly very hard on you. I know all of us are entitled to our own secrets, and I don't think I've outstepped my boundaries before in this area. But I just can't leave you alone on this one. Seeing you like that last night was hard. I want you to tell me so I can see if there's anyway I can help ease the burden and you won't have to suffer alone. I thought we trust each other enough to depend on one another."
Everything she's saying makes sense, I know. I can clearly see that she wants to help and I do trust her...but come to think of it, do I really trust her? I mean I just assume confessing my feelings to her would only bring the worst outcome- that our friendship will suffer and she'll start shunning me, not to mention what this might do to the whole BABYMETAL team; we've been told by our producer/manager K-san that our success is due in part to the friendship dynamic between us three girls. I would be ruining things for everyone. Could this really be called trusting her? If I really trust her, I would know just how kindhearted she is and that she probably would not shun me eventhough she can't reciprocate my feelings; I would take her professionalism into account and know that she would not let the going ons in our personal lives affect her career. So just what is going on here? Is it that I don't trust her? Or is it that I don't trust myself to not let it affect my professional life?
The sound of a phone vibrating brings me back. It's mine and since it's closer to her, Moa takes it and hands it to me. A message from Su-chan.
Morning. Are you up yet? About the sight-seeing plan today...are you guys still going through with it? Let me know your plan when you see this.
Oh right. I totally spaced on it. We're supposed to start after breakfast. I show Moa the message.
"What do you think?" I ask her.
"I don't really feel like a having full day outing today. We have another sightseeing tour scheduled two days from now, right?"
"Yeah. I don't feel like it either. Especially looking the way I do right now. Maybe a walk around the neighbourhood in the evening, but a whole day out I definitely can do without today." I confess. I text Su-chan back letting her know of our plan. She texts back immediately saying she's coming over.
"I'm still waiting for an explanation here," Moa starts as I put my phone down. "Take your time and tell me whenever you're ready, I won't rush you. But you HAVE to tell me, okay?"
I close my eyes and resign, "Yes. I'll tell you everything as soon as I am able to. But can we drop it for now? Su-chan's coming over."
"Sure," she says getting out of the bed, and goes for the bathroom.
The bell rings and I get up to open the door. I pass the bathroom and through the open door I see Moa washing her face. I open the door to our room and Su-chan is there, out of her PJs and in a white tee with denim shorts and a pair of flip flops. How long has she been up? She looks as chirpy as ever.
"Hey Yui, good mo... What the heck happened to you?! You look like a mess!" she exclaims as she takes in my appearance.
I turn around and go back inside leaving her to follow me.
"Oh. It's nothing really. And good morning to you too."
"No wonder you don't want to go out today. Oh and by the way, I didn't feel like going sightseeing today either. I was praying so hard that you guys wouldn't leave me alone and spend the whole day outside."
Moa comes out just as we're sitting on my bed.
"You too?! What were you two doing last night?!" Su-chan asks, shocked.
"We were reading a sad story online and went to sleep crying," Moa lies for me.
"I don't believe you. Did you have a fight?"
"What?! There's no way we'd be fighting, right?" Moa replies looking at me.
"Why would you even come to that conclusion?" I second Moa.
"Well, I wasn't really serious. But tell me truthfully. What happened?" Su-chan presses.
I guess I better confess the truth, at least the safe version. I can see she's going to continue assuming the worst if we don't tell her.
"Weeell...the thing is...I kinda sorta had a mini-breakdown," I confess sheepishly.
I look at Moa and she's looking at me with an unreadable expression. Worry? Anger? Curiosity?
"A breakdown? About what? Are you okay?" Su-chan asks, concern showing on her face.
I tell her what I told Moa, that thinking about the future where everything will change and where we'll no longer be together made me sad, and that seeing me cry made Moa cry too. She believes me, I think. She looks back and forth between the two of us.
"That's it? You guys are such cry-babies," she laughs, "Come on, get changed. I want to go get breakfast."
Phew! Glad we got through that. That's one less person to worry about. Now I only have to deal with Moa. I have to start thinking about how to explain it to her, which basically translates to- how to confess my feelings. Someone please trade their life with me.
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