⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛
Philophobia — the fear of being in love and falling in love.
⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛
Do you know the feeling when you sit nervously in front of the teacher while she takes her own sweet time to hand you your report card?
Do you know how it feels when your instinct keeps telling you something horrible is going to happen and yet you are forced to watch it happen?
That's exactly how I feel now while I sit before the WereGuardians, self conscious and jittery while we listen to each of them speak.
Rewind my life to four hours ago when they had landed at the doorstep in the weirdest attire with their staff held firmly in their right hand and hoods hiding their faces.
To humans, they would seem lunatics, but to us werewolves, their eccentricity was completely normal.
When the formalities were done they had followed Ashton and I to the Meeting Room where they had seated themselves prim and proper.
Ashton had begun with the annual report followed by me giving them the all the files and information we had collected on GreyHound so far. Far from being impressed, their faces wore a deadpan look and I couldn't help the sense of foreboding kicking in again.
Ashton had asked me like a thousand times in the last four hours how he looked through the mindlink. "Do I look impressive?" "Is my hair okay?" "Is my suit wrinkled?" "Do I have anything stuck in my teeth?"
"The last two months have been very stressful beginning with the attack on the Wolverines and now the recent threat on the Dark Wolves." Cerberus Custos continues as he circles the table, his eyes moving on each on of us, "The matter needs to be looked into urgently and therefore we need to find a way to prevent war and subdue GreyHound at the same time. His spies are everywhere, even as we speak there are lone wolves joining him, planning a rebellion and overthrow our age old systems. They hunger for blood and power and if we sit and wait until they strike to strike back, we'll be defeated even before the actual fight begins."
"The proposition I put forward is simple. United we stand, divided we fall. We need to fight as one instead of different packs. We need to get together and train. We need to think as one, act as one."
His speech is met with total silence. Ashton's lips are pursed up in a thin line while his brows are knitted in deep thought. Dylan, Claire and the rest of the Warriors wear an expressionless look on their faces as they wait for one of us to speak.
I clear my throat. "Does this mean we need to get together and train?"
"It means, all the packs need to come together, stay together, train together."
My blood goes cold when his words bounce off my ears. "When last December the Wolverines were attacked, we and our warriors reached out in time to help them. You never told us unify then. Why now?"
He doesn't answer. Doesn't have one.
"So you want to uproot us and take us from the safety of our own homes and territory? All the effort we put in enhancing our security, in training our warriors under difficult circumstances. We never stopped training. Always took precautions. Unlike the Dark Wolves, we have worked hard to keep this place safe from attacks."
Cerberus eyes linger on me for a moment before they turn away, "We are doing this for the welfare and safety of all the packs in America. A decision cannot be taken based on personal reasons."
Ice courses through my veins. In a flash, I stand.
"If you're implying my unpleasant history with the Alpha of the Dark Wolves, then I should remind you I'm not intimidated by egotistical men who can't see within an inch of their faces, only by their stupidity."
"Right."
The pure condescension in his tone irks me.
"There are cons to this strategy. You'd be uprooting a pack who's learnt their current territory like the back of their hand. Our members know every blind spot and hiding hole. They will find it difficult to adapt and accustom themselves to a new and unfamiliar geography in a such a short period of time. That along with added training and security measures, learning the territory will be exhausting for not just the leaders of the pack but for children and retired wolves as well."
"Secondly," I barrel on, "You said it yourself that he has planted his spies. If they were attacked despite their security, that suggests the work of an insider. If there's a spy among them, or us too for that matter, wouldn't it be easier for that person to leak out vital information of all the four packs instead of one now? We would be foolishly enabling them to do a better job if we get together."
There's silence.
Until the Guardian speaks up.
"All that's very true, but let's be real here, Luna. You don't care about that. The real reason is you're afraid to face your past with Alpha Carter."
I shoot him a cold look. "Did it occur to you that a woman capable of holding a professional conversation that doesn't involve her ex?"
Cereberus blinks. For a moment, he's astounded.
"This calls for a vote." I conclude. "The pros and cons of migrating in the midst of war need to be put forward to our people."
Cerberus doesn't wait for people to raise their hands. "The Wolverines and the Black Stones have already agreed, Luna. Alpha Carter as already given his permission. The only one who is yet to agree is you."
"Alpha Carter didn't give his permission." I point out shrewdly. "He is the one who needs us."
"We all need each other." Cereberus reminds patiently. "The Dark Wolves were attacked recently. The Wolverines, last December. Who knows who'll be targeted next? It's best to be prepared." He pauses a moment. "But yes, the Dark Wolves need our support now more than ever."
"What do we say, Ash?" I ask through the mindlink.
I am met with uncomfortable silence. His expression shows he heard me but is still reluctant to give the answer.
"Ki." He sighs, "We are just a pack of five hundred werewolves. GreyHound has over five thousand followers. Our pack of five hundred won't stand a chance if they were to attack us."
"At least let's ask our people where they feel the safest."
"Alpha Nate nearly ended up dead," he says, "The last rogue attack left their home in ruins. Even with all the ammunition, they escaped narrowly. I don't want us to go through that."
"Neither do I."
My mind is racing.
To return to the place of my nightmares, face Aden's father, face Aden and Nicole... I feel hurt, fear, anger, helpless all balled up as one gigantic lump in my throat.
"Kiara, the welfare of the pack comes first," he tells me, "And besides you are over him."
"It's amusing how you all seem to think he's the only reason I'm against this."
He sighs. "I know this affects you. I care about you. After everything he did... I won't let him hurt you again."
"Thanks, but I don't need your pity. Leave me to handle my trauma on my own."
Ashton's expression crumbles for a moment. However, he regains his impassive front when he notices the sharp gazes of the WereGuardians.
My face, on the other hand is crimson. I don't dare meet their eyes, fearing I would lose my cool.
Going back to the Dark Wolves is like going back to hell.
"I'm sorry, Kiara." He doesn't meet my gaze, and I don't reply. I don't say 'It's okay,' because it isn't.
"We accept the proposal, Custos," Ashton states on behalf of the pack. I nod. "We are prepared to shift back within a month. We will send a message to Alpha Carter informing our arrival."
The WereGuardians smile briefly. "We look forward to meeting you at the Dark Wolf Pack." Cerberus says shaking our hands.
"I hope you succeed in weeding out his spies, Custos." I release his hand. "Surely, it would be a great tragedy if we were to follow your orders and still be attacked."
"I'll keep that in mind, Luna. Meanwhile, I hope you use that gift of selflessness to serve." He replies.
I smile sweetly. "Of course. I serve my people based on your impeccable expertise."
Ashton's cautious gaze swivels back and forth between us.
An hour later, the Guardians finally take leave. Ashton and Beta Dylan see them to the door. The rest of the members return to their rooms, while I head to mine.
The second the door clicks shut behind me, I sink to the floor.
I suppose we could double our efforts and study the new territory. Use it to our advantage. The Guardians never discussed it, but there were still a lot of secrets about the old territory of the Maikohs that are yet to be unearthed.
I'd need to get my hands on the ancient map for that. A herculean task considering it was in the library of the Dark Wolves.
Speaking of whom—
My eyes close. A frown contorts my features.
"A decision can't be based on personal reasons." He'd said so callously.
Yes, the welfare of the pack came first. It always did.
But since when did it become acceptable to call out a person's trauma out in public like that? What the Dark Wolves had done was inexcusable. What Aden's father had done over the years still brought on nightmares.
This what selflessness meant —to suck it up. Ignore the bullying, the pain, hurt and trauma—and think of the welfare of others.
But selflessness isn't some birthday gift, that's ready to use the moment you unwrap it. It takes time, maturity and patience. It's a gift that's cultivated and worked upon.
How could I go back and pretend everything is normal?
How could I face them after two years?
I built a whole life here without them. Despite them. I took the broken pieces of myself and glued them back together.
Yet today, every wound feels fresh and re-exposed. Every suppressed fear comes alive.
A tear rolls down my face.
Fire and steel. I remind myself. I'm fire and steel. This will be hard, but for my pack and my pack alone, I will do it.
And, Zara purrs in assent.
⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛
A/N
To the people in the comment section demanding her to use her gift of selflessness like some coupon at McDonalds:
Jesus knew He was supposed to die from the start. Didn't make His death sentence any easier. And He is a God.
Kiara is barely 20 year old victim of bullying and y'all expect her to forget her trauma like she got hit on the head with a rock and developed amnesia this morning.