EDITED: 7/13/15 ✓
Chapter 9: Relapse
I began packing up my books quickly as my first art class came to a bittersweet end. I had thoroughly enjoyed Mr. Brooks introductory to sketching lesson and if I thought about it, I also found myself beginning to thoroughly appreciate Mr. Brooks himself. He was an enthusiastic, yet patient man that seemed to be equally passionate about art and his student's futures.
"See you around, Blondie," Alec tapped my arm as he passed by and shot me an allusive smile. I gave him a tight-lipped smile before shooting my gaze back toward my backpack. I really couldn't put my finger on it, but the guy was beginning to give me goosebumps.
"Uh, hey," Matt laughed awkwardly as he came to stand in front of me. I snapped my head up and flushed as I watched him narrow his eyes and stare at Alec's back as he exited the classroom. I had a good feeling that Matt and Alec were far from friends.
"Hi, again," I swallowed and slowly swung my bag onto my shoulder.
"Are you ready for lunch? Do you need to stop by your locker?" Matt asked as he withdrew his gaze from the door and toward me. His eyes softened considerably in the short redirection of his attention.
I suddenly felt slightly nauseous with the thought of carrying out my upcoming act.
"Um... do you think it'd be possible if we could talk for a moment? I have to tell you something." I was thankful that my voice held an emotionless tone.
"Of course... yea," Matt nodded quickly as he suddenly leaned toward me. I felt my breath hitch as he reached up and placed his warm palm on my forearm. "Is everything okay?" He whispered, frowning in concern. I was suddenly caught off guard; he could see right through me. "Does this have something to do with Alec Campbell?" Matt questioned randomly, sending me reeling. Alec?
"No, not at all." I blinked, shaking my head quickly. "Why would it?" I asked, confused.
"It... wouldn't, sorry. I didn't mean to jump to conclusions. That was unfair," Matt sighed, looking a bit frustrated with his own actions. "Tell me, what's up?" Matt continued, changing his tone from edgy to tender.
"Um..." I started as he and I began walking together out of the room and into the hall. After making it around one corner, I then stopped and pressed my shoulder against the nearest locker. I knew I would probably feel my knees quake without some sort of solid support.
"What is it, Sophia?" Matt asked as I froze up for another minute. I distantly saw his hand move toward mine so I quickly folded my arms across my chest. Just say it! I closed my eyes for a brief second as another wave of uncertainty washed over me. However, I accepted that I just needed to rip off this Band-Aid quickly and get on with my life.
"Sorry Matt," I began, opening my eyes and giving him a phony smile. "I just want to be honest with you and say that what happened yesterday was pretty unexpected. I'm really sorry if I gave you the wrong impression, but I just don't feel that way about you." Those small words caused my heart to drop and a tiny bead of sweat to collect at my temples. I was doing everything in my power to stay calm and collected through this tense conversation. However, the darker part of me drove my anxiety toward frightening levels. "And I appreciate you and your friends being so welcoming yesterday, but this whole thing between you and I just makes things... difficult. Right? Look, I've been through this sort of thing before..." no I haven't... "and it always ends badly. So yep, that's that. Sorry again, but thank you for inviting me over - you have a really beautiful home," I finished, faking another bright smile. I was in complete turmoil as I continued to watch Matt's eyebrows crinkle together with a look of both concern and confusion crossing his features.
"Sophia... I don't expect anything..." Matt babbled out as he rubbed the back of his neck uneasily.
I laughed shakily and raised my hands, palms up. "Let's not make this any more awkward than it needs to be. I'll see you around," I continued laughing shakily but inside, I was merely on the verge of tears. Without waiting for his second response, I turned abruptly and began walking swiftly away from the scene.
I kept myself in check until I reached the closest girl's bathroom. Then, after an edgy look around, I ran to the furthest stall and locked myself in. I couldn't really do much but knock down the toilet seat cover and sit down with my knees tucked against my chest reassuringly. Then, my heart seemed to jump into overdrive as my breaths came out in panicky gasps. And I did the only thing I could as regretful tears bubbled sorrowfully in my wide eyes – I rode the episode out.
I let myself be upset, be anxious, and be completely angry. The last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt Matt and so, that's the reason I had to just break all ties with him before things got too complicated. I knew my earlier words were completely phony and that in truth, last night had been wonderful. But... none of that mattered. I couldn't be the girl he'd had a glimpse at yesterday.
How could I ever expect someone to take on the burden of my sad, partial life? How could I selfishly let someone give me his or her heart when I knew deep down that mine was would always be somewhere else, with someone else.
Matt deserved so much more than what I could've possibly spared to give him.
That's a pitiless truth, but one I've come to confess as being true.
* * *
Since the moment in the bathroom, I had yearned every minute for the time when I'd be free from the school day. Luckily, I had been blessed with a silent work period during Home Economics, which allowed me to keep my distance from Miles and Carly. The last thing I needed today was another uncomfortable conversation.
However, now was the time to test myself as I stood nervously outside of my last period where I was bound to see Stephen and Matt. I sighed tiredly and hugged my books close to my chest as I slid into the room and began making my way toward the back of the classroom. Although, before I could sit, a pale hand with chipped black nail polish stuck out in front of me.
"Alec's pint-sized friend?" I tensed up as I caught the gaze of the girl I'd seen outside yesterday with Alec. A short frown appeared on my face; she was calling me little?
As expected, the girl was just as far from friendly as she had been the last time we'd met. However, now, she was holding out her hand for me to shake. What world was I living in?
After a quick mental argument with myself, I decided she wasn't someone I wanted to piss off so I just obliged and slipped my hand into hers.
"Yea," I admitted slowly. The girl smirked and pushed back her short black hair.
"Sorry for being a little pushy yesterday. I just get possessive over the people in my life," she admitted dryly. "Alec said you're cool, so we don't have a problem," she continued lazily. I bit down on my tongue as I watched her narrow her eyes and lean against my chosen desk. I felt as if I were always under some sort of secretive scrutiny around Alec and his friends. "I'm Cleo," she stated as I continued to stand silently.
"Soph-" I began but halted as she raised her ashen hand.
"Heard you yesterday, Blondie," Cleo smirked as she slipped into my usual seat. I frowned once I realized both Cleo and Alec had given me their own demeaning nickname.
"Right," I grimaced and rubbed my cold arms. I wasn't quite sure I wanted to be around this girl for much longer but then, I suddenly changed my mind as I watched Matt and Stephen jog through the door. I didn't really think things through as I slid into the seat closest to Cleo. All I knew was that Matt hadn't seemed too fond of Alec this morning and maybe, just maybe, being friends with this group of people would help him get over me. Or... begin to change his mind about who I was.
I squirmed as Cleo smiled darkly after accepting my seating choice. So, I was stuck between a rock and hard place as I averted Matt's small glances and stayed close to the one person in the room that made my skin crawl.
* * *
"Up for a smoke, Blondie?" Cleo asked as I followed her nervously out into the hall. I exhaled slowly, feeling relieved that we'd slipped out of the class before most of the students – well, particularly, Matt.
"I don't..." I began to explain. I had a hard enough time breathing, so I surely didn't need the aid of smoke in my lungs.
"Give it up Cleo, she's incorruptible," Alec swooped in from behind me as he slid his fingertips up my spine. I shivered and cringed away automatically.
"Aren't they all?" Cleo purred sarcastically and laughed as she cut me off to stand closer to Alec. I stumbled slightly before quickly picking up with their pace. I didn't really understand what Cleo meant by 'them all' but in that moment, all I cared about was getting out of school without running into...
"Sophia!" Miles called out from behind me. I stopped and surprisingly, so did Alec and Cleo.
"She's got herself a leech," Cleo whispered and laughed as she shoved my shoulder hard enough to push me to turn toward Miles. I wanted to scream as I felt Alec's looming presence behind me and also Miles, Stephen, and Matt's sudden scowls. Though, I had a very imposing feeling that their glares were not aimed at me.
"Hey... I feel like I haven't seen you all day," Miles smiled sadly as he jogged toward me. Oh please, no. Hadn't I been uninteresting enough this morning?
"Yea, sorry. I got caught up," I mumbled pathetically. There was no need for me to hurt Miles, but that didn't mean I wouldn't try my best to keep a distance between us.
"It's fine," Miles smiled brightly as he rocked back on his feet.
"I have to head home... but I'll see you tomorrow," I spoke softly, shrugging all the while. It looked like Miles wanted to say more, but I didn't give him the chance as I turned sharply back toward the entrance.
Alec's eyes followed me with keen interest before he turned as well and let me trail behind him. I must've looked like a pitiful little puppy behind Cleo and Alec, but in that moment, I didn't care. Being around them sent Matt a clear message, sparing me from spewing out anymore tangled lies.
Rather than trying for invisibility, I would have to resort to being the sort of person Matt and his friends would resent.
* * *
1 Week Later
Friday
It's been a week since I led Matt astray for his own good. It took one short week for me to push myself further and further away from the kind friends I'd made on my first day of school: Megan, Meredith, Carly, Cassie, Stephen, and Miles. Despite my cold-shoulder actions, I couldn't stop myself from sneaking glances at their table during lunch. It was a strange feeling, wanting something you couldn't possibly handle having. The old Sophia felt drawn to a life of easy friendships and love but... the present person that I've grown to become knew all too well that I couldn't physically and mentally invest in such relationships.
On most days, I usually spend my free time alone in the library or... sauntering along with Alec and his group of punk friends. I didn't really know many of their names, other than Cleo and Alec himself. However, I proceeded to act as if I appreciated their company only so that I could distract myself from being drawn toward Matt. The predictability of each day's events had lessened my anxiety, causing me to feel slightly... normal. Dull, lifeless, even.
Yet, Alec surprised me this Friday afternoon as we sat outside during lunch. He shot me a scanning look as he drew in a long drag from his white cigarette. I've always thought that the outer appearance of a cigarette was quite contradicting. Holding something white, while inhaling black.
"Come out with us on Saturday night," he proposed as he tapped the bud of his cigarette against the heel of his scuffed up boot.
"Sorry?" I broke out of my daydream to give him a questioning look. I usually stayed quiet whenever I was around Alec because...
1. He still seemed to give me the chills and...
2. Just because I've decided to stick around him, didn't immediately mean I wanted to become friends with him. More often than not, Alec worried me.
"Come out with us to a club this Saturday night. We usually head into the city to escape this boring town for a few hours," Alec drawled out his words sluggishly. I bit my lip and shrugged, pulling at the grass by my knee. "Aren't you sick of this place yet? I don't know about you, but sometimes I just need a little thrill in my life," he suggested, leaning in close to me despite having Cleo pressed up to his opposite side. I frowned for a moment, hating when he became imposing.
However, what he'd said struck a small chord within me. As comforting as it was for me to live each day predictably, I also craved for some sort of release. Sometimes I just needed a way out... yet, I haven't found one yet. Perhaps doing something totally out of my element would provide my chaotic mind with an escape.
"Yea... okay," I replied gradually.
"I was hoping you'd agree. Once again, I think we're more alike than I give you credit for," Alec laughed as Cleo shot me a speculating glance.
* * *
I wasn't exactly sure what people wore out clubbing, so I just decided to be safe as I slipped on a little black dress that I'd kept in the back of my closet for school occasions. After slipping on the same black pumps I wore to Cal's funeral, I decided I was ready enough to push myself into a reckless night. Throughout my quiet day off from school, I'd done a total of three things: ignore my father's voice mail, have my first visit from one of my designated cleaning ladies, and also take a pitiful nap after having a short episode.
A loud blaring horn let me know that Alec and his friends were already outside and waiting impatiently for me to get myself out the door. I quickly let out an exasperated huff as I shuffled out of my clean-swept kitchen and into the foyer to grab my sparkly black clutch.
After locking up my front door, and quickly running up to the idling cab, I found myself momentarily frightened. The backdoor of the cab quickly opened before I could get close enough and I watched Kat, Matt's surly 'friend', step out sporting a ruby red tube top and the shortest black mini skirt I'd ever seen.
"Hurry up and get in; I'm not sitting in the b*tch seat," she huffed out in annoyance. I felt my face drain of it's colour as I watched her pitifully look over at my modest little dress. "Hello?" She grilled out after I hadn't moved. Feeling awfully intimidated, I ducked past her in a hurry before sliding into the middle section of the back seat. Cleo waved dismissively at me from my left, as did Alec as he swiveled around from the passenger seat.
"You look delish, Blondie," Alec chuckled as he ran his piercing gaze over my exposed legs. I squirmed and looked down as Kat shoved in beside me – deliberately making me push up against Cleo. Both girls glared at me sourly in the same second.
If looks could kill...
"Could you try not to be a creep for at least five minutes? Ugh, he said the same thing to me when I got in," Kat slurred out as I watched her reach under her seat to grab a small flask of god knows what liquid.
"You wish," Alec chortled as he reached over and gave Kat's knee a seductive squeeze.
I simply continued to sit there, suddenly regretting my decision to go out. Feeling uncomfortably bare, I did my best to yank down the fabric of my dress.
I had promised myself that tonight I would just stop caring about what other people said or did and just let myself get lost. It was exhausting trying to find a delicate balance between being dismissible and being the center of someone's attention.
I just wanted to be tonight – if that even makes any sense.