F I F T E E N
Clary can't stop thinking. She stares at her hands, R2-D2 by her side, as she waits for Luke to finish his training. Her mind isn't set on patience, though, as her brows crease in frustration: she can't stop thinking about what Yoda had said about the dark side, how it "tempts" her. The longer her thoughts linger on his words, the tenser she feels.
Her mind races at such speed her head begins to throb. She ignores the pain, trying to focus on something else, but she feels trapped—surrounded—and nothing can help her now. She wrings her hands together, and R2-D2 lets out a short beep from beside her. Clary forces a smile, reaching up as she pets the droid on the top of his head in attempts of reassurance, but her actions feel numb and false; controlled and hollow.
"No!" Clary brings her hands up to her head, gripping her hair tightly. She can't feel anything. She can't feel the pain; she feels empty. Yet the ache in her chest tells her otherwise. "I didn't do this, I couldn't have. He's my brother! I love him more than anything in my life—"
Clary swallows, throat dry and thoughts jumbled. She tries to ignore the ache in her chest, the twisting and the turning, and stares at her hands, once again wringing them nervously. She inhales sharply; thankfully R2-D2 is too invested with the swampy clearing surrounding them to pay much attention to Clary now.
The cloaked figure laughs cynically. They lift their head ever so slightly to reveal dark glittering eyes; these all-familiar glittering eyes are eyes Clary has seen before, yet she can't recall from where.
"But you did, Clary. And I couldn't be more proud of you."
Tears sting her eyes and she feels something raw and hot pulse through her veins, white and burning with pure anger. She loves Han more than anything in her life; he's the only family she's got left, along with Chewbacca. She's almost baffled at the sureness the figment of her nightmares seemed to possess—the audacity to challenge Clary with such a thought.
His eyes are open and his mouth in the beginning formation of a yell. Clary gasps, so startled from the sight she jumps backwards in alarm. She stares wide-eyed, not being able to grasp the situation clearly. He isn't moving—he isn't breathing. He isn't anything. He's nothing.
She feels her stomach twist uneasily at the thought, her hands feeling cold against the humidity of Dagobah. She wipes them down against the fabric on her legs. She can feel her mind spinning; it's an uncomfortable feeling, and Clary finds herself growing frustrated with the cloaked figure of her nightmares, the source of her confusion and jumbled mind, the source of her discomfort.
She looks up suddenly as stones smash against the clearing ground. R2-D2 beeps in alarm and Clary sees Luke standing on his hands. His face is creased in strain as he nearly glares at the two rocks sitting before him; one of them lifts from the ground, floating up to rest on the other.
"Use the Force, yes..." Yoda nods solemnly, sitting on Luke's feet. He taps his leg with his walking stick. Luke quickly lifts one of his hands from the ground. His body sways, but he maintains his balance. Clary finds herself watching him in awe, barely hearing R2-D2 whistling and beeping frantically from beside her.
"Now the stone," Yoda continues. "Feel it."
Luke concentrates on, yet again, trying to lift the top rock. His one arm holding himself and Yoda balanced shakes, as his other remains raised, held out in front of the stones. Clary watches intently. The rock rises a few feet into the air and Clary finds a small smile tugging at the ends of her lips. She finds him remarkable, absolutely intoxicating. She can't recall the last time she's ever been awed by someone. Luke notices Clary watching him and his expression softens, but a fierce look of ambition flashes in his eyes as he looks back at the rocks: the first rock floats a little higher than before, staggering. Clary's smile doesn't fade. Incredible.
R2-D2 lets out a startling shriek that makes Clary jump. She looks back in time to see Luke's arm shake before giving way entirely as he collapses onto the ground. R2-D2's beeping continues and Clary glances at the droid. She doesn't bother to look back at Luke and Yoda as she stares at R2-D2 in surprise.
"Concentrate!" she hears Yoda snap at Luke. She feels sympathy as she finally turns to watch the blond flinch at his master's sudden exclamation but his blue eyes still manage to narrow in annoyance. R2-D2 lets out a flurry of beeps and Clary smirks at his comment.
Luke turns his sharp gaze on R2-D2, who continues to rock back and forth. Clary ignores the droid, watching Luke as he runs a hand through his hair out of frustration. She finds herself staring as her mind races; she just can't stop thinking. She feels as if her mind is especially muddled when looking at Luke. She looks at him and remembers everything: she remembers how he touched her cheek when she couldn't stop trembling, how his warmth was all the security she needed; how his face had paled when he exited the dark cave, but after seeing the look on Clary's face, forced a smile that still managed to reach his eyes.
Now Clary can't stop thinking about the cave, the nightmare, the darkness. She feels as if she's suffocating. She just doesn't want to think. She just doesn't want to feel a damn thing.
R2-D2 lets out a startling squeal, gaining both Clary and Luke's attention and they watch as the small droid rolls towards the edge of the swamp, teetering over the edge just barely. Luke quickly races over just in time to watch his X-wing fighter sink completely in the murky water, the tip of its nose barely poking above the surface.
"Oh no," Luke exclaims, vexed, eyebrows furrowed. "We'll never get it out now."
Clary glances at Yoda who shakes his head, leaning forward on his walking stick.
"So certain are you!" He slams it against the swamp clearing. Luke turns to face him as he adds, "Always with you it cannot be done. Hear you nothing that I say?"
Luke hesitates, gaze diverting back to his sunken ship.
"Master, moving stones around is one thing," he sighs. "This is totally different."
Clary bites the inside of her cheek, growing annoyed herself with Luke's complaints. She glances back at the sunken ship, something in her growing. The feeling is odd—it's similar to the elation she had felt when she first saw Ben's lightsaber at Mos Eisley Cantina those years ago. It frightens her and Clary swallows the feeling down.
"No, no different!" Yoda exclaims. "Only different in your mind. You must unlearn what you have learned."
Luke remains quiet for a moment, eyes narrowed. He snaps out of his focus as he mutters, "All right, I'll give it a try."
"No!" Yoda interrupts. "Try not. Do, or do not, there is no try."
Clary finds a small smile tugging at her lips, although she can't quite figure out why. She feels Luke's eyes on her and she glances his way but his expression is unreadable. He turns, facing the swamp as he closes his eyes, concentrating on the ship. Clary watches him before she glances at the X-wing; it slowly begins to rise above the water, and Clary looks back at Luke in awe. He never ceases to amaze her.
Almost in a flash, she realizes she has overestimated him when the X-wing slides back into the water just as quickly as it had risen. Clary feels disappointment weigh heavy in her chest as she glances back at Luke as he breathes heavily, eyes tired.
"I can't. It's too big." He sighs in exasperation, sitting down. Clary finds herself growing confused at Luke's attitude; he usually remains so confident and ambitious. He doesn't bother to look at her as Yoda shakes his head.
"Size matters not. Look at me." Luke does. "Judge me by my size, do you?"
Luke shakes his head.
"And well you should not," Yoda continues. "For my ally in the Force, and a powerful ally it is. Life creates it, makes it grow. Its energy surrounds us and binds us. Luminous beings are we." He steps forward, grabbing Luke's shoulder and pinching him sharply, causing him to jump in alarm. "Not this crude matter. You must feel the Force around you." He gestures widely. "Here between you...me...the tree...the rock...everywhere! Yes, even between this land and that ship!" He adds, noticing Luke's hesitation.
Luke says, obviously disheartened, "You want the impossible."
Yoda doesn't reply. Clary watches with wide, interested eyes as he turns towards the X-wing fighter, eyes closed, bowing his head, and raising his arm, pointing at the ship. Soon, the fighter rises above the water and moves forward as R2-D2 lets out a shriek, quickly wheeling out of the way and into Clary. She moves back, watching as the entire X-wing lifts into the air, trembling slightly, before landing on the shore as Yoda guides it carefully.
Clary glances back at Luke, eyes still wide in amazement to see that he shares the same look of astonishment as the fighter rests on the shore beside Clary's. He rises to his feet, still staring at the ship, eyes wide with disbelief.
"I...I don't believe it."
"That is why you fail," Yoda replies.
Luke shakes his head, glancing back at Clary. She avoids his gaze, however, stepping towards the X-wing. She feels distracted. Yoda watches her and she meets his large gaze, and suddenly a huge wave of guilt seems to consume her. She's reminded of what he's told her—she's reminded of the darkness, how it suffocates her—and she's reminded of Han, of her nightmare. She looks back at the X-wings and adrenaline pulses through her veins.
"I couldn't be more proud of you, Clary."
"I have to leave," she says suddenly, voice urgent and on the verge of breaking. Yoda merely blinks while Luke stares at her, completely baffled at her sudden statement. She doesn't wait for him to say anything, although he steps forward, her name barely leaving his lips, as she starts past the clearing and further into Dagobah. She hears R2-D2 beep faintly behind her but she continues forward, barely noticing the cave until she passes it.
The wave of darkness hits her so harshly she's almost forced off her feet. She gasps at the sudden rush, stifling and smothering. She manages to keep her footing, however, as she continues forward. She doesn't know where she's going, but the forest of Dagobah is never ending, just like the thoughts that race in her mind. She never stops thinking; she feels as if her mind is spinning into overdrive, overwhelmed from it all.
She reaches up to touch her face to discover it's wet. Her brows furrow in confusion as she wipes at her eyes. Footsteps sound from behind her and she's half-worried it's the familiar Jedi Master, about to once again scold her on her indescribable tie to the dark side, a connection she never knew existed until her arrival on Dagobah. But something about their presence is different, the way they carry themself, that Clary recognizes who it is immediately.
"Luke," she says without needing to turn around.
He stays silent for a moment before stepping closer to her; she feels him rest his hand against her shoulder and his touch is comforting, but Clary still finds herself trembling. She doesn't want him to see her crying but her vision blurs.
"Clary, tell me what's wrong." There's something significant in the way he says it that Clary can't help but turn to face him. His eyes, more intoxicating and suffocating than the impending darkness that seems to follow her like a threatening shadow about to swallow her—consume her—at any moment, scans her face; they soften at the sight of her expression but Clary ignores it.
"I have to go," is all she can find herself saying. She feels monotonous and mechanical, however, Luke's kind gaze doesn't falter.
"Why?" Something sad flashes in his eyes briefly but Clary disregards that as well.
She takes a breath. "Han...and my nightmare...I just—" She cuts herself off, not knowing what else she can say. The more she remembers the nightmare the more she worries. She feels her eyes sting as they water but before the tears can burn and stream down her cheeks, Luke's hand touches her face, wiping them away.
"It's going to be okay," he murmurs. Before Clary can think, he pulls her closer, holding her tightly. Clary feels her eyes water again but ignores her tears as she grasps him just as tightly. Just from his touch her mind stops thinking; she doesn't know what to do, but the sudden peace that's been forced upon her is comforting. She can't think and can't stop thinking when Luke is around; he really never does cease to amaze her. He is the warmth and comfort that's been absent in her few days of being separated from Han. She's finally given the relief she's been needing of her nightmare.
She pulls away from Luke to meet his blue gaze, his eyes so intoxicating they're stronger than anything else Clary could ever imagine. She remembers how she feels looking at Luke and her chest is heavy, but not like the way it was before. It's weighed down with something warm and comforting, something elating and complex and everything Clary should be scared of, yet she remains valorous.
Clary holds onto Luke tighter, resting her head against his shoulder. She feels his hand reach up from her waist to touch her hair, holding her head in a soothing way; he does it so easily it's as if he's been made to comfort Clary, as if the bane of their existences were made for each other. She doesn't feel odd hugging Luke so closely, having him so near, with no one around. He feels natural. He feels like home.
...
Instead of training again, Luke helps Clary prepare her X-wing fighter. He hasn't questioned her further on leaving, something that slightly surprises Clary. She still remembers how just a few years ago he had tried stopping Han and Clary from leaving at all before the battle with the Death Star. It feels so long ago, Clary almost finds herself reminiscing for that time, for those few short months at the Rebel base before the transport to Hoth where everything seemed okay.
R2-D2 rolls after the two as they work, beeping insistently. Clary glances back at the droid and smiles, but as her gaze travels, it lands on Yoda. He remains silent and it's unsettling to Clary, making her feel uncomfortable. She hesitates, unsure of how to treat the Jedi Master, and finally decides to turn away. Her mind is racing again but she pushes most of her thoughts aside as she opens the hood of the X-wing fighter. Luke stands beside her, rocking on his heels, a look of impatience crossing his face as if he has something to say but can't find the words to say it. Clary glances at him, hesitating as well. He meets her gaze yet remains silent; Clary's mind blanks.
R2-D2 beeps again and Clary's gaze flickers to the small droid as he rolls back and forth, not wanting her to leave. She smiles again, patting the droid on his head.
"I'll see you around, R2." The droid chirps loudly and Clary's smile grows. She glances back at Luke but he's already looking at her, a small smile on his lips. Clary holds his gaze for a moment and he scans her face once again before lingering on her lips longer than they should.
A familiar feeling rushes through Clary and she considers multiple outcomes. She's never been the type to act impulsively, but she it's not like she hasn't before. Before she can think, she touches Luke's face, leaning closer as she gently presses her lips against his. They're soft against hers and she can feel the blush on her cheeks. He is warm and kind and the definition of comfort: he is natural and he is her home.
Clary pulls away sooner than she would've liked to, cheeks burning. She meets Luke's gaze and he's beaming, causing a feeling of adrenaline to rush through Clary's chest.
"And I'll see you around, pretty boy," Clary says, a smile tugging at her lips as her entire body warms.
Luke is still beaming. "Definitely."
Clary turns, completely elated, as she climbs into her X-wing; she adjusts the controls and glances back at Luke, who is still grinning—Clary can see his eyes flash with a considerable look of smugness and she refrains from rolling her eyes. Her gaze rests on Yoda standing farther away from Luke and her expression falters slightly. The Jedi Master lifts his head, however, his large eyes kinder than they've ever been as he nods farewell.
Taking a deep breath, Clary flips the switch on the X-wing fighter and the canopy hood closes. Her thoughts have returned to Han; she's going to make sure he's finally safe.