Chapter Sixty One
Lienna
I woke with a start, feeling a phantom pain in my throat. I gasped for air, my chest heaving as I sat up in a panic. My fingers traced the scar gingerly as I tried to will the crushing pain away. Slowly, it disappeared, and my attention turned from the pain to the empty space in the bed next to me.
My breathing was still labored despite the lack of danger, and I started to realize that it was because of a lack of something else.
I wanted to be angry, to be furious that I had been left alone again, but instead all I felt was a deep, heavy sorrow. I had hoped that after we had fallen asleep in each other's arms that all would suddenly be well again, as if nothing had ever happened between us. The harsh emptiness of our room informed me otherwise. I squeezed my eyes shut, rubbing my face with the palms of my hands. Please, Loki. Just let me in.
The silence was enough for me to know that he was hiding himself at the least, and I swallowed down the heartbreak in order to convince myself to get out of bed. I opened the door to the closet, running my fingers over one of his silky emerald shirts. I was tempted for a moment to just wear one, to bring myself closer to him, perhaps mend whatever it was between us symbolically. But instead I opted for a black tunic, black leggings, black boots. A black glove on the hand that wasn't real, black wedding band on the hand that was. It felt awfully dark, but any other color felt so wrong in the moment. My heart longed for it to be that emerald green, but I was not sure I could bring myself to do it.
I did not check my reflection in the mirror before I left. Asgard would see me in whatever state I was in, and Asgard would leave me alone. Loki would see me in whatever state I was in, and I would not leave him alone.
As I stepped quietly out of the room, I paused. I closed my eyes, reaching out for the familiar sensation of him. I breathed deeply, focusing every fiber of my being on him. For a moment, I felt nothing.
But then I felt him. Out in the garden where we met the day before. And I felt him so strongly that suddenly there was a metallic taste in my mouth and I opened my eyes to find myself standing in the garden. The air was sickly sweet with the smells of springtime, and I found myself angry again that the setting didn't match my mood. I was standing a short distance behind where he sat on a bench, shoulders slumped and hands gripping the edge. I started to wonder if he knew I was there, but a second glance showed me he did not.
His skin was blue, and where his hands clenched the marble of the bench were familiar patterns of frost. I recognized now the sharp cold of the air surrounding us. He was upset, and for a moment my heart didn't seem to beat.
Tears stung at my eyes and I wanted to call out his name and run up to him and-
I didn't know what I wanted to do to him, but seeing him like this tore me up inside. Then I realized I just wanted to help him. There was something that ran deeper than I understood right now, something he could not and would not forgive himself for despite my pleas for him to come back to me, physically and emotionally.
I started to cry, as silently as I could so as to not disturb him. There was an ache in my heart, a longing for him that echoed throughout my mind and body. I was chosen for this man, and I had chosen him myself, time and time again.
When I had tasted the sweetness of a hero's end, I still chose Loki. When I was offered my family once more, I chose the little family I had with Loki. And every choice I made that ended with Loki, I made because every last bit of my soul was chosen to love him.
As I stood in the garden watching my Loki, I chose once again. I made the choice to love him fully and completely, as I had when I told him I loved him the very first time. As I had when I told him I would marry him, as I married him, as I chose living once again because it meant living with him.
Then I chose to sit beside him.
Suddenly he was very aware of my presence, and he slowly turned to look at me. The painful sadness in his expression caused hurt to radiate throughout me, tracing its way through my bones and through my brain. He held my eyes with his for a moment that seemed like forever, completely still, completely shattered. The blue had faded from his skin, but his agony remained.
Loki opened his mouth to speak, lips trembling, and I couldn't help but notice how much he seemed like a broken child. So vulnerable and helpless, and I began to cry again. At the sight of my tears he closed his mouth, pressing his lips firmly together as his face contorted with grief.
My mind ran through any possible way to comfort him, to rip the sadness from his soul and cast it far away, any gesture to cleanse his being of the guilt and shame that tormented him. Finally, I carefully raised a shaky hand and pressed my palm against the cold skin of his cheek, cradling his face.
Loki's eyes closed at the touch, his expression relaxing slightly as he pressed into my hand. His own hand reached up and covered mine. There he remained, absorbing the comforting touch as though we hadn't touched in thousands of years.
"Oh, Loki," I whispered, the sound laced with pain and love. "Please let me love you as completely as I do."
He turned his face even further into my hand, pressing a gentle kiss to my palm. Loki rested there a moment, and I felt the smallest shimmer of magic flow up my arm. Then he straightened up and looked at me, his eyes the beautiful shade of green that my heart had memorized.
"Lienna," Loki began and there was hesitation in his voice that I dreaded to hear. "Lienna, I fear that I do not deserve a love as perfect and healing as yours. I made an unforgivable mistake-" his voice cracked as he spoke- "and I could never expect you to hold me again as though all is right in the world."
A sudden flare of anger sparked in my heart. "Loki Laufeyson, you do not control the will of my heart," I took his hand in mine, holding it tightly, "and the will of my heart would never be to cast you aside for something I am certain you did not do."
Loki swallowed hard, pursing his lips as he thought. His eyes were focused on his hand in mine. "I did it, Lienna. You cannot convince me otherwise because I know what I did." Loki met my eyes again, shame and fear clouding the perfect emerald green of his own. "I do not expect you to understand, but I did not make that decision alone."
The flare of anger had started to grow, but I was still certain it was not Loki that I was angry with. I knew Loki more intimately than I knew myself. The blue eyes that had violated my life were not the green ones I had chosen. "Please help me understand, Loki." Frustration still fought its way into my voice despite my best efforts to keep it even. I did not want secrets or silver tongue or condescension, even if it was for my protection.
His eyes, though still the same color I knew and loved, had turned a darker shade and no longer met mine. Instead, they focused on something beyond me, beyond us. "People crave subjugation," he said, his voice low and carrying an edge I recognized from the strange outburst not long before he had disappeared to Midgard.
"Loki, you know better than I that misplaced power can only lead to the downfall of everyone," I said, but my voice was weaker than I hoped. I knew the anger and frustration that was welling up inside him, and I knew all too well the danger behind it. But I reminded myself that Loki would never hurt me, and the man before me was still Loki.
"The power that I could have held would not be misplaced, Lienna. Even I, a stolen relic, am still heir to a throne, whether or not it comes from the bloodline and birthright of Odin."
"But do you really want that, Loki? Is that what you crave? To have people cower beneath you as your soul rots away as a king? People crave subjugation, Loki, but do you? Do you long to be a slave to power?" I snapped, dropping his hand and leaning back from him.
Loki's eyes widened and his jaw dropped. The intense green of his eyes had faded, and he looked down, sorrow and shame replacing the dark expression he once held. He sighed, and then the air hung heavy and still between us. "I was blinded. I was blinded by the seductive promise of power that had already blinded me once before."
I watched him silently.
"I wish I could explain to you who he is, but I'm afraid I do not entirely understand him all myself. But I do understand that I knew it was wrong, and I still chose to accept his offer to me." Loki glanced up at me, but I made no move to speak. "Odin never once offered me the solace that I wanted so desperately, the love that I needed from a father in every aching moment. Instead he acted as though every single thing that happened was some great blessing from him and that I still owed him my life for it all. There was no resolution for the rift between us. There was no respect."
"Damn Odin's respect, Loki! Allfather or not, he does not deserve your respect and you do not need his. There is no joy or peace in seeking resolution from him or power from any other!" Loki stared back at me, shocked again by my outburst. But I did not care. I was so overwhelmed I could not keep it in any longer. "Look at Odin himself! He lost an eye to that very pursuit of power, did he not? Blinded by power, Loki. Do you want to become that man? You are so much more than he will ever be. That much is apparent to Thor, to your mother, to me! You have the respect of a whole kingdom! Does Odin matter more than that?"
Loki was quiet, studying me carefully as tears formed in his eyes.
"Loki, you are not the situation that Odin forced you into. You are not the sum of all the terrible things he has done to you. You do not owe him anything, and he will never give you the things you think you want."
"What do I want, Lienna?" he cried out desperately. "Please, please help me. What do I want?"
"Loki..." I trailed off. It hadn't dawned on me that perhaps he hadn't ever truly known what he wanted. But then I remembered Valhalla, and the agony of losing my life, the agony of decision. "In the darkest, most desperate time of your life, what did you cry out for?"
In one swift motion he pressed his hand to my heart. Suddenly it felt as though the air was knocked out of me and my vision went dark. I was seeing something that was not my own, and I was consumed by a feeling I recognized. Loki was showing me a memory of his, one too painful to recall himself.
"I might lose the only person that I would have done anything for, by my own hand.
I did not hear my own screams at first. I couldn't even hear my own thoughts let alone the cries of agony that escaped me. I was not big enough to handle the intensity of my feelings. I felt as though my body was being torn apart and suffocated and all I could see was red. A dark, evil red that coated everything and twisted my perception.
Tables were thrown across the room, chairs were smashed, tapestries as old as time were torn to pieces, and I didn't feel a thing besides empty.
Tears streaked down my face as I clawed at my skin. It should have been me."
As Loki's memory faded from my mind, I gasped for air. I hadn't ever experienced magic of that intensity, and I hadn't ever seen something so raw and vulnerable, and yet, I knew exactly what I had seen. In the same moment that I had chosen to live for Loki, he had chosen to die for me. Loki knew exactly what he wanted.
"Lienna," Loki whispered, so quietly I could barely hear it. "Do you love me? After all this, do you truly love me?"
I was taken aback by his question after the memory that we had just shared. I was even more shocked at my response. Every emotion that had been poured out between us, the sheer energy and tension within our discussion had built up inside of me, and instead of opening my mouth to communicate, I placed it on his lips, sliding my fingers into his soft hair to pull him closer to me.
Loki tensed up at my action, then relaxed into the kiss. I could feel his tears against my face as I stroked his hair, and the only thought on my mind was projecting my love to him. There was no fiery, hot passion to the kiss, just overwhelming love and forgiveness and desperation for the comfort that can only come from your other half. I felt Loki move closer to me, resting his hands on either side of my face. I broke the kiss, still resting my forehead against his.
"Loki, I love you. After all this, we are still chosen for each other. After all this, I still choose your love."
He was still quiet, gently rubbing his thumbs along my skin as he held my face.
"I may not completely understand all that has happened, but I do understand that you are still the man that I fell in love with. You do not get to decide if you deserve my love, because I decided long ago that all my love belongs to you."
He pulled away to look me in the eye. "When you told me... When you told me I could never be a monster, did you mean that?"
"Loki, the only way that you could ever be a monster is if you refused my love even though you know you deserve it."
A small smile graced his face and I felt my heart leap. I hadn't seen that beautiful smile for far too long. I smiled back. Though Loki still hurt from the scars of his past, he was healing. He just needed to let himself feel it.
Loki wrapped his arms around me, holding me tightly. "Lienna, I love you," he whispered to me. "It was the beginning of life for me to love you, and every choice I ever make will be out of love for you."
We stayed in that moment for a long while, and for the first time, I was grateful for the glorious springtime around us. The warmth from the sun perfectly complimented Loki's familiar cold, and I finally recognized what it meant for flowers to bloom.
After what seemed like a beautiful forever, I realized I had one more issue I needed to clear up. "Loki," I murmured against his chest. "Please do not ever leave me alone in bed again."
I could feel the vibration of his mischievous laughter as I leaned into him. "That is certainly a request you will never have to make twice, my dear Lienna."
I stepped back, playfully smacking his chest. "I am thrilled to hear that your silver tongue is back, Loki Laufeyson."
He smirked down at me. "I can understand why that would be thrilling to you." Loki winked at me. "First the bed and now this! You keep a man on his toes, Lienna."
I blushed. "Loki! Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?"
"No, but I would be glad to kiss you with it." And he leaned down to kiss me. Unlike the kiss before, this one was playful and passionate, but it meant the same to me. It meant that we had come back together as before, though now we had forged a deeper bond than we had ever known was possible. There was perfect love between us, whether it was through the intimate moments that we had together or the complete trust and understanding of each other.
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