Chapter 21-
"Stay quiet and don't make a sound. London just went to her bedroom to do her homework and she should be sleeping soon," I hushed Calvin as soon as I open the back door for him, shortly after London told me she is going to bed.
Despite doing this for about a week now of sneaking him into my room every night, I still get nervous whenever I do sneak him in.
It is a little past eleven o'clock and the house is dead quite, because I always turn off all the electronics and lights since we have to start saving money and energy, because of mom trying to make a living for us by going to all these job places. The only thing on was the heater in the house since it was November and it was only getting colder from here.
Calvin nodded as I slowly walked around the house, careful to not making any noises with Calvin behind me.
If London caught me, she'll know something is going on between me and Calvin.
But there really isn't.
Nor will it ever happen.
I would rather die than that. Not to sound harsh, but it's the truth.
I don't deserve a happy ever after the things that went on already.
I mean come on; I wasn't even a good older sister to stop my sister from getting pregnant.
We sneak up the stairs without making much sound, which I was a bit surprised, seeing how the house is quite old and has a lot of old wooden floors creaking whenever you stop on it too hard. Maybe Calvin is lighter than I thought as well.
Once we managed to get to my room, I quickly shut and locked the door, drawing in a quick breath and letting it out. Who knew sneaking people into your room can be this tiring and heart racing despite doing it every night already for a week straight.
"You look like you just ran a mile," Calvin commented, taking a seat on my computer desk chair. He turned it so it's facing me with interest in his eyes as he stared at me. I do look like it, because I don't want him to be caught and I never did something like this before!
"And you're the one to blame," I muttered, grabbing my phone from the night table along with my school bag to my bed.
It's going to be a long night, indeed, with homework and an unexpected guest here.
But what else was I supposed to do? I can't just make him sleep outside, he'll get sick easily and there is no way I'll let him at home with his abusive step father in the same house. I'm pretty sure Joshua can't have him sleepover because his family were a bit crazy with guests sleeping over as well.
Speaking of the devil, I noticed I missed a call from Joshua along with a few texts from Megan, Mason, and a few other friends revolving around homework. I quickly texted them back before debating about calling back Joshua or not.
I groaned as I faced Calvin, "Don't make a sound, I'm going to call back Joshua real quick since I missed a call from him before."
Calvin gave me an okay sign and resumed flipping through the school notebooks on my desk.
Joshua, as usual, picked up by the second ring with a, "Yo."
"Hey, sorry, I was making dinner before for London. What's up?" I asked casually, lying back down onto the bed. I heard him shuffling some papers around on the background.
"Nothing much, I was just wondering if you can scan your history report paper over to me so I can get some inspiration, best friend!" I heard him laughing nervously in the background at the request.
I rolled my eyes, "Isn't that paper due tomorrow?"
"I think so."
I huffed in disbelief.
"Joshua you had like two week to work on it. Megan even threatened you yesterday during lunch to do it as well."
Leave it to Joshua to do homework last minute. Even from middle school to now he never changes his habits. He always said he's got better things to do like playing the newest games or babysitting.
"Well, I was busy! Come on Reina, cut me some slack! If you do it I'll help you get together with Calvin."
"....Excuse me?" I raised an eyebrow over the phone.
He seriously wanted me to kick his ass kicked by me tomorrow.
"I'm joking! Don't kill me! So can you do it for me? Pretty please?"
I groaned, "This is the last time I'm helping you with homework. You always call me for homework or to hand out during the weekends."
"Well, duh, what else do I need you for? Girl talk?"
"Yeah, we should totally get out nails down together one day!" I faked enthusiasm, causing Joshua to laugh over the phone and Calvin to look at me curiously.
"Ew, you can do that with Megan. Well, I need to get back to homework and afterwards video games! Oh, before I hang up have you heard from Calvin?"
I groaned, "Quit asking me about him."
"Well, I can't help it, he seems more close to you than me! Even though I knew him longer."
I could literally picture him pouting on the other end of the phone.
"No, I haven't seen him," I mumbled feeling a bit sad that I'm lying to my best friend again when the person we were talking about was only a few feet from me.
"Fine, scan me your homework! I'll text you later!"
"I love you," Joshua teased and I scoffed at his words.
"I love you too."
At that, Calvin snapped his attention to me with his eyebrows raised. I hung up and throw my phone onto the pillow as I groaned.
"Who's that?"
"Didn't I already tell you it was Joshua?"
"You guys are a thing now?" he said, seeming a bit bothered and annoyed at that fact.
I chuckled, "No, he was just teasing me with the whole I love you. It means nothing, I swear. I love him in a brother and sister kind of way and nothing more."
Besides, I think I like you even though I can't have you.
I smile as he seemed a bit more relieved at my words. There he goes again being jealous and possessive like the Calvin I know.
"I see, so then what's up with you? Why did you groan so loudly?"
"I lied to Joshua, again," I said with a frown. I mean, I never lied to Joshua about anything before, but recently, it seems like I am hiding more and more and pushing away my best friend. He knew everything about me but after that summer, I can't tell him that I was raped.
I can't even tell Calvin who told me more than I told him.
I knew a lot about his life. About his sister Becca and her boyfriend and caretaker, Caleb. About Calvin's mom, about his abusive step father. I knew about the abuse he receives every day. I also knew how much he wanted to basically kill himself on the first day of school and if I wasn't there he would have done it.
But what did he know about me?
Only my cutting and the divorce.
Nothing else.
Not about my rape. Not about my anxiety and many sleepless nights because of it.
And it is going to stay like that.
"You never told me you can't swim," Calvin stated. I gasp, realizing he is holding my journal I kept since summer. I practically jumped at him but he is quicker. He got up and put his hands up so I can't reach it.
"G-give it back to me! You have no rights to read it!" I exclaimed in a hush tune, jumping up and down trying to grab the journal from his hands.
Curse him for being so tall.
"Relax, I only read the first page about wanting to go swimming but you can't swim, I swear," he let his hands dropped and I quickly snatched it from him.
I need to be more careful with him.
"Do you want to learn how to swim? I can teach you if you like," he offered innocently, but gave me a teasing smile and I huffed in annoyance.
"No, I don't need to learn."
Not with all those cuts on my arm. I'm never going to be able to wear anything revealing after my addiction to it. Lately, I haven't been cutting because of my promise but it still can't stop my urges to do so. I am thinking of way to cut myself without making it obvious. Maybe I can "accidentally" fall onto the side of my desk hard enough that it'll look like a bruise...
"Reina? You still here?"
I snapped out of my thoughts and looked at Calvin. He is still standing where he was a while ago, looking at me like he expected me to answer him.
"Um, what were you saying? Sorry, I zoned out."
He chuckled, almost as if he expected that out of me, "Yeah, you do that a lot, don't you?"
Is that an insult....?
"I do not," I defended, crossing my arms after settling my journal under my pillow to be safe so he won't take it in the middle of the night.
"So what was I saying before, then?" he questioned, just to prove me wrong.
"Homework?" I guessed. We were supposed to be doing homework soon anyways, so it can be a chance that he was talking something along the lines of homework.
"No, I was saying I wanted a dog as a pet," he said tilting his head to the side, waiting for my reaction.
"You are so....random," I finally said after a moment of thought on my word choice. It is true, why in the world did he say that ?
"I'm not being random, if you look at our English homework; we have to do a creative short story. Mine's about a guy who raises a wolf and at the end natural instinct kicks in and he kills the man. Moral of the story is to get a dog rather than a wild beast."
"That's kind of... dark don't you think?"
"It's reality," he countered.
I stay quite at that because it is the truth. Reality is really messed up at times but... it's just the way it is. There is no happiness without pain. There is no wisdom without mistakes. There is no love without hate.
"True, life is a pain but it's beautiful, isn't it as well? After all, there are a lot of stars to light up the dark sky as my mom said before."
"I only have one bright star to save me from this darkness."
I felt him staring at me as I continue to look down on the bed. My heart sped up, because I somehow know he was talking about me.
Before I can stop myself, I confessed, "I only have one bright star in my night as well."
I glanced up to see him shocked and astonished. I know I shouldn't have said that but I want him to know how important he is in my life as well in these past months where all I wanted to do was kill myself.
"We have more in common then we think, huh?" Calvin cracked a smile at me for my confession. I nodded in understanding, because I can't agree more.
"You have no idea. But hey, I wouldn't have even notice until you blackmail me with that pregnancy test," I gave a dry chuckle, because I still wonder what even happened to it.
"I threw it out," he said, almost as if reading my mind. I widened my eyes when I finally comprehend what he just said.
"Huh?"
"It was stupid for me to blackmail you. I shouldn't have done that, I was being an asshole. But I threw it away afterwards. It was none of my business what happened with your last boyfriend. What did Joshua and Megan say his name was? Paul?" he frowned at that name.
I swallow, wanting to yell at him it wasn't my boyfriend that got my thinking I might be pregnant. I was raped. That my first time was taken away by two fucking people and I would never have it back no matter how hard I wish. Open your eyes and realize I don't deserve anything because I deserve to be treated as trash.
But I held my tongue.
"Oh. That's....really nice of you Calvin."
"It's the least I can do after Becca. By the way she's been talking about you none stop whenever she's on the phone with me. Even Caleb is getting annoyed he's not getting him a lot of attention."
I chuckled, "I miss Becca and Caleb."
"They should be coming for Christmas because they are spending Thanksgiving with Caleb's parents instead. But we should start on our homework before one o'clock midnight or else we're going to be falling asleep in class. Pull up a chair."
I grabbed the small cushion chair next to my small night lamp that I usually read my book on before I sleep and settled it next to the table. Calvin opened the History book and I can already feel my head about to split open as I stare at the words.
Calvin's phone vibrated silently on the table and I curiously asked, "Who would be up this late at night?"
Joshua certainly won't because he has an unusual sleeping timing. He likes to get up at five in the morning just to do his remaining homework and watch the sun rises while Megan sleeps through everything, claiming she needs more beauty sleep.
"It's Christian," he groaned out as he typed away on the phone.
He and Christian seemed to be doing pretty well after that incident and I am glad I'm pretty close with Christian as well after that. We text each other occasionally and kind of missed him. He did say he'll visit when he's on break from his private school in San Diego.
It's a shame that Calvin still calls him Christian instead of the nickname he preferred to be called by.
A few moments later, he set his phone down and stared at the homework assignment, glancing at the passage and already writing away on the loose-leaf paper.
I gave him a confused look.
"How are you already writing your response to the homework?" I questioned because he barely even read it.
"If you were paying attention in class, you would know that it is in the class's notes. We discussed briefly about it as well."
I always knew Calvin slept in class and is naturally smart, but hearing that he actually pays attention as well is a bit shocking.
Does he actually sleep in class or does he pay attention secretly?
We continued to work in silent until an hour later, when we finally finish all of our homework for the night.
"It's already two o' clock in the morning. We better get to bed or else we are not going to wake up on time tomorrow," Calvin said closing the textbook and stretching while I agreed as well. I was close to finishing anyways so I can probably do it in the morning if I really wanted too.
"Yeah, hold on I'm going to get you a change of Joshua's clothes again."
I got up from my bed where I did my homework and started to dig in my closet, trying to find a set of clothes for him to wear for the night. Joshua just loved to make a mess whenever we hang around my house, especially with the food fights. I found his red V neck shirt and shorts and tossed it over to Calvin.
"I'm pretty sure London is already asleep so it's fine if you go to the bathroom. I think you know where it is," I mumbled, opening the door to check if her door's lights are out.
Sure enough, they are.
I shooed him out and watched as he closed the bathroom door behind him before I fall back into the bed, finally sighing in relief.
My life is just one mess after another.
But thanks for Calvin; I decided not to give up on life just yet.
He was so strong and I want to be the same.
I closed my eyes as I am consumed with tiredness.
I just wished sometimes I wasn't so fucked up. Then maybe I would take Calvin's confession earlier seriously and we could be dating.
The last thing I remember before sleep hit me was something softly touching my lips.
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Reasons To Live: 21. "You're trying to find it. You're probably trying to find- the reason that you live- all by yourself. Because...because, in reality, there aren't any people who are born with reasons to live. I think that...that everyone has to find their reason to live. A reason to live. A reason to say that it's okay to be here. A reason for being. Everyone must find out and then decide. Maybe in a dream, or in a job, or in a person. "The reason" you find might be unclear, uncertain, and unstable. Even though you may lose it, I want to have a reason for as long as I live. I also want one. And then, if it's possible, I want to find it in somebody's heart. I want to be able to live for someone. I hope that someday, someone would tell me, 'You can think of it that way.' At times I want to give up, but I try my best. That's why...that's why it's okay, for sure, to be shameless. " -Unknown.