Chapter 16
“What are we doing here? It’s past midnight,” Derek hissed as we walked up the front steps to Teresa’s house. The windows were dark and the outside lights were shut off. There was not a sound to be heard except us talking in the dark. “We can see her tomorrow. I have the money for us to stay at that motel.”
“Shut up,” I said turning to give him a look then back to the door where I rang the doorbell three times.
“You’re going to wake them all up!” he whisper yelled and I just rolled my eyes.
“Honestly, Derek. I think I know what I’m doing, so shush,” I said as lights clicked on in the house grabbing our attention and we heard footsteps approaching the door.
The door opened to reveal a very exhausted looking Teresa with short pajama shorts, a white tank top, and huge fluffy purple slippers. She took a few seconds to process what she saw in front of her before she squealed and flung herself full force at me. “Stephenie! Oh my god, what are you doing here? This late too! Who is this?”
I could barely understand her as she rushed to shoot the questions out at me. She had the habit of talking too fast to the point where no one could make it out; not even her best friend.
“Let us in and I’ll explain everything,” I laughed. For the first time since I left North Dakota, I felt a real smile creep its way onto my face. I hadn’t let myself feel the longing to be with my best friend, I had shut out all the hurt over moving from her but now standing in her presence I realized that I missed her more than words could express.
“Oh god, I’m sorry of course. Both of you please come in,” she smiled stepping back into the house and closing the door behind us.
We followed her to her kitchen and I smiled at the familiarity. I used to spend most of my days in this kitchen. I even made out with some guy on the counter the one time I had convinced Teresa to throw a party. Now I sat at the same counter on one of the stools with Derek right next to me looking as awkward and uncomfortable as ever.
“Aren’t you going to introduce us?” Derek whispered to me out of the side of his mouth.
“Nah, too tired,” I joked for a second and he gave me a flat look. “Kidding, god. Teresa, this is Derek and Derek this is my best friend Teresa.”
“You mean ex best friend, Teresa. Hi, nice to meet you. I’m her new best friend,” he smirked throwing an arm around my shoulder which I shrugged off immediately.
“Excuse me?” she said crossing her arms and raising an eyebrow. “Back off scum.”
“I knew I loved you for a reason,” I said smiling at her.
“The usual?” Teresa asked smiling at me and opening the fridge.
“You know me to well!” I exclaimed, and then turned to Derek. “You’re still confused aren’t you?”
“Incredibly,” he said completely bewildered. “Didn’t we wake your parents?”
“Ah, good old Charlotte and Jim,” I laughed calling Teresa’s parents by name. “Where are they this time, Reese?”
“I would like to say the Barbados but you know, I’m not completely sure. Nevertheless, they promised me a huge gift is waiting in the wings for when they come back,” Teresa said while starting to make her famous hot chocolate. She would always make it when I was sad or upset or needed some comfort. It was the best she could do, and it was just what I needed at the moment.
“Teresa’s parents are big business people. Very important, so they travel. A lot. Especially now that their little girl is all grown up and can handle herself in this huge house,” I explained to Derek, my voice turning to a baby one by the end.
“And they trust me to never throw a party or anything,” Teresa said glaring at me obviously referring to the one time I got her to throw that party.
“Oops!” I giggled hopping off the stool and going to help Teresa. Derek was just staring at me in amazement and that feeling in my stomach and my heart caught me off guard. I did my best to ignore it for the time being. There was only so much I could take tonight.
“So you’re Derek, I don’t believe I’ve heard about you,” Teresa said changing the subject and leveling a glare at me. “So you claim to be my best friend’s best friend?”
“I don’t claim to, honey, I am. We’re so in love,” Derek said almost seriously.
“Shut up you jerk,” I said throwing a balled up paper towel that Teresa had left near the sink. “He’s just some idiot who wouldn’t get out of the car when I told him to.”
“Right, I’m just some random guy,” Derek said sarcastically.
“I’ll admit, I’m confused,” Teresa said looking between us.
“Derek’s just a friend, who I called to pick me up after our school dance,” I said wording it carefully.
“Oh was this the dance you and that kid Trey were going to go to together? He sounded cute,” Teresa winked and I immediately seized up. I knew I had told Teresa about the dance and about Trey, but that was only because she was desperate for information and it seemed like a normal girl thing to gush about over the phone to her information starved best friend.
“Yeah, that dance,” I muttered distracted as I noticed Derek’s eyes darken and a tiny bit of hurt was shown in his face. I was completely thrown off and couldn’t take my eyes off of him. Derek… hurt? What was going on?
“So,” she dragged out the ending obviously trying to get me to say more. When I wouldn’t bite, she added, “So how was it?”
Dances were Teresa’s thing, so it was natural for her to be excited about one. Even one she didn’t go to. It was sort of like her fairytale dream that the perfect guy would either ask her to one or she would meet one there to be swept away into a storybook romance. However, all the dances so far had proved to be disappointments, but regardless she wasn’t disheartened like most would have been.
“It was interesting,” I said screwing up my face.
“Tell me,” Teresa said sensing a story there. I couldn’t lie to her, but I couldn’t go through it detail by detail like she wanted me to – especially with Derek sitting in the room.
“Later,” I sighed tiredly. I could feel Derek staring at me. Yes, he knew the gist of what happened, but with Teresa there wanting a play by play I’d have to come to terms with the emotions that caused everything and I wasn’t sure I could still keep it together. Derek had seen enough of my vulnerable side and enough of my tears already.
She didn’t fight me on it like she normally would shooting a look over at Derek, obviously blaming him for his presence but he didn’t notice since his eyes never strayed from me. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him look so confused than I have since we’ve gotten to Teresa’s.
“So what brings you here this late?” Teresa said trying to change the subject. Too bad it brought me back to everything I didn’t want to think about.
“I needed to see Cam,” I stated in an offhand voice looking down at the hot chocolate in my hands.
“Oh Steph! It’s going to be a year soon right?” she asked her face breaking out into worry and concern. It was all so Teresa.
“Two days.”
“I miss him,” Teresa sighed.
“Yeah, join the club,” I muttered a weak, dry laugh.
“I never knew him,” Derek added in trying to lighten the mood and I sent a small smile at him. It must have taken him off guard because he looked bewildered for a second before a genuine smile lit up his face.
“You’re an idiot,” I commented. “So Reese, can we stay here tonight? I hoped you wouldn’t mind, we just need to find Logan tomorrow and take care of a couple things.”
“Of course, you know that this house is always open for you. I’m just so happy to see you, you have no idea,” Teresa said and I could see her tearing up.
“It’s good to see you too,” I said running over to give her a hug. I could feel myself breaking inside. My emotions were contradicting themselves and my head was telling me to forget her, and to follow the plan like normal but my heart ached at seeing her so sad.
“You know,” she laughed lightly. “That everyone from the group is really depressed the life of the party is gone.”
I laughed too. There were a certain number of people that we hung out with on a normal basis and I hadn’t said goodbye to them really at all. “Oh really?”
“Donovan misses you too,” she winked referring to my ass of an ex. I broke his heart, but that doesn’t mean he was groveling at my feet – he was still as creepy as ever. I wasn’t sure why I had ever gone out with him. “He actually seems like he has feelings when you’re mentioned.”
I groaned while Teresa just laughed and Derek coughed slightly. “Donovan, Donovan, Donovan. I had him wrapped around my finger the sleazy scum.”
“I never understood why that even happened,” Teresa shrugged.
“He seemed like the only guy who wouldn’t develop actual feelings and I thought we could have a feeling free relationship and just have fun. But then he actually did have feelings, of all people and I had to get away, who would have thought,” I said reminding myself of those two weeks. I hadn’t wanted anyone to get attached to me, or for me to get attached to anyone just like now. I didn’t need anyone to miss me when I wasn’t there, but I still wanted to have some fun. I didn’t like Donovan at all, the only thing he had going for him was he was a satisfactory kisser, and he was the last person I would expect to actually have feelings for anyone so that’s why I picked him.
It went to show me I couldn’t have any friends, or boyfriends when I moved. I didn’t need to take the chance. Of course, I had friends now, I guess it was unavoidable especially in the weird town I was in. However, I knew not to take that chance with anyone incase my heart did end up falling for someone. I looked over at Derek, who looked thoughtful and I decided that it was probably time to sleep.
“Do you mind if we crash now? I know I woke you up and I wouldn’t want to keep you awake any longer,” I said to Teresa.
“Yeah, no problem, we can head upstairs!” She said as she put the stuff in the sink and lead a very sleepy Derek and I upstairs.
I knew which bedroom I would be sleeping in – it was her older sister’s when she used to live here and the king sized bed was as comfortable as anything. I started heading towards that room as Teresa showed Derek to the guest bedroom. I wanted to collapse on the bed and fall asleep without nightmares, tears, or thoughts keeping me up but it was a stupid wish to make; it’d never come true.
“You need anything else?” Teresa said coming into my room after I already changed and she had shown Derek his room.
“No, thank you so much, again,” I said softly.
“Anything for my best friend. Goodnight,” she smiled.
I smiled back and said my goodnight as I started to brush my hair staring in the mirror. My eyes looked dead, and they had bags under them. I looked like death, but that never mattered to Teresa. She never mentioned what a wreck I always was – and I was never sure if it was because she didn’t care or because she didn’t notice. Either way, it was both comforting and lonely.
“Boo,” Derek said waltzing right into the room and flopping down on my bed.
“Goodnight,” I said annoyed. I wanted to be alone. I didn’t want to deal with anything right now – even though my demons came to haunt me in the night anyway and Derek’s presence was putting it off for a bit. I was tired though, and he should be too.
He didn’t leave so I turned around and glared at him. “Can I help you?”
“Nope! I’m quite comfortable here, thank you,” he smirked going under my covers.
“Oh, hell no! Get out now,” I whispered not wanting to wake Teresa again. I could hear her soft snores already from across the hall.
“Why?” he asked as if it was the most preposterous suggestion ever.
“Derek, I’m not playing this game with you right now. It’s two in the morning –“ I had only realized the time now, checking my phone “—and I’m done with today. So please, just go to sleep in your room.”
“Fine! I’ll go to sleep,” he scoffed cuddling a pillow tighter to his head and closing his eyes. I threw my brush at him in my aggravation and his eyes snapped open. We had about a minute of an intense staring contest before I sighed, too tired to argue anymore and climbed into the other side of the bed.
I felt Derek’s arm try to snake over my waist and I slapped his hand. “Don’t touch me.”
“You’re the one that climbed into bed with me,” Derek teased.
“Shut up,” I said turning off the lamp on the bedside table.
To my surprise he actually listened to me, and my intense fatigue let me slip into unconsciousness pretty fast.
At first, in my head, everything was just a blur of colors. Kind of like when someone changes the channels so fast that you only see fragmented images from each show as you pass it over. It made my head hurt, even though I was dreaming. When it finally settled on an image, it was one that made me feel sick. It was Cam, lying on the ground of his bedroom; the last time I had ever seen him before he was buried underground. I could feel everything I had felt that day when it happened – I was shaking and tears were falling down my face, and my throat was sore from my hoarse shouting and sobbing. My head and heart felt like they were going to explode with hurt and they couldn’t understand what was going on.
The scene soon changed to Cam and Derek standing side by side. They were talking, and laughing and joking and I couldn’t comprehend this either. Cam and Derek had never met. This isn’t even possible.
“Stephie, why don’t you love me?” Derek was calling towards me and Cam was smiling at me.
“What?”
“Stephie, he’s funny. I like him,” Cam said hitting Derek playfully on the arm.
“Derek’s my friend,” I said, still confused.
“Shut up,” Cam said rolling his eyes.
The scene progressed again and it was just Cam now in a white room. Actually, I wasn’t even sure it was a room, everything was just white and I couldn’t see anything solid except for my older brother standing next to me; shoulder to shoulder.
I turned to Cam, “Where are we?”
“Don’t do this to me,” Cam said to me.
“What?” I furrowed my brow. Why was everything that was happening so confusing? “You’re the one that did something to me, what could I be doing to you?”
“Listen to me! Stephie!” He yelled his voice booming so loud it was hurting my ears.
“What are you saying?” I asked trying to stay calm, but I was getting aggravated and upset. For some reason, I felt like I normally did whenever Cam and I had a fight when we were younger. It’s like I was getting so upset over nothing or something so unsubstantial.
“DO IT FOR ME!” He yelled again, and he started to turn transparent.
I started to panic, not sure what was going on. I didn’t want to be left alone in this nothingness so I tried to grab onto Cam, to bring him back to me, but he was like mist or smoke slipping through my fingers. I was crying, screaming and yelling. I tried running as he looked as if he was floating away.
“Steph!” Cam yelled reaching out his hand.
“Cam!” I yelled back trying to chase after him as fast as I could.
“Steph!” My eyes snapped open and this time I recognized the voice as Derek’s and not Cam’s. I was not in the nothingness, I was in Teresa’s spare bedroom and Derek was looking terrified and trying to hold me or constrain me.
There were tear drops on my face and I was sweaty letting me know everything I had been doing in my dream, I had been doing here too. I had probably kicked and hit Derek as I attempted to chase after Cam in my dream. I slowed down my breathing and tried to control myself.
“I’m sorry,” I apologized. Derek’s arms were still around me but he wasn’t saying anything.
“Are you okay?” he asked, his voice groggy – I must have woken him up.
“I’m so sorry,” I repeated not wanting to outright lie to him by answering his question.
“Shh, Steph. It’s okay, you’re okay,” he said squeezing me tighter and I didn’t protest because it was the only thing keeping me reminded that everything was just a dream. However, it had felt so real.
“It was just – bad – dreams,” I managed.
“What were they about?” Derek asked calmly.
I just shook my head as my eyes began to tear up again. I didn’t want to talk about them – with him, with anyone.
“Can you just leave me alone?” I asked shakily. I absolutely hated how much he had seen of me this weekend. He wasn’t going to want to be friends with me after all of this and maybe that was for the best. He was getting a direct insight into how screwed up I was.
“No shot,” he said simply. “Now, tell me what your nightmares were about? Do they happen often?”
“Every night,” I answered reluctantly, hoping it was enough for him to leave me alone.
“Every night?” He repeated and the surprise was evident in his voice – I didn’t need to see his face.
“Pretty messed up right? Well, I guess that’s me for you,” I said shrugging my shoulders.
“Talk to me about it, please.”
“It’s none of your business, actually,” I said trying to sound cold.
“Come on, it’s not okay for this to be happening every night,” he said sternly.
“Don’t worry about it,” I said. “Since when do you care or anybody for that matter?”
“Shut up with that, you know I care and so do other people,” he said harshly but it barely affected me. I loved the honesty and harshness between us; it’s what made our friendship work so well – except for moments like these.
“Really, Der, it’s nothing.” I wasn’t going to admit having him in my dream, and I didn’t want to talk about what was going on in my mind. Was that really Cam trying to communicate with me? Or was I really certifiably insane? It only strengthened my resolve to talk to Logan and figure as much out as I could tomorrow.
“Screaming and kicking and smacking in your sleep isn’t really nothing,” he frowned.
“Okay, it’s none of your business right? Right, so can I go back to sleep now?” I said quickly slithering out of his grip – as comfortable and warm as it was.
“Babe, come on.”
“I’ve told you, don’t call me babe, and shut up. I want to get some sleep please,” I grumbled in a whisper still conscious of the fact that Teresa was across the hall and most likely sleeping as well. I didn’t want to wake her if I hadn’t already.
“Stephie,” he tried and I stiffened like always. He could sense that I wasn’t going to answer so I heard him sigh and lie back down getting comfortable again and I kept myself turned away from him but my eyes never closed. There was no way I could go back to sleep after that, but I did my best to pretend.
I was surprised that I woke up alone in the morning – and that no one had got me up. Normally, Teresa wouldn’t let me sleep past a certain time because she was bored being an early riser – and it definitely was not early – but for some reason she hadn’t today. Derek had left me in my bed by myself and I wasn’t sure if that was because he didn’t want to sleep with someone as crazy as me and snuck away when I finally fell asleep again out of fatigue or if he had simply gotten up at the crack of dawn along with Teresa.
Stretching as I got out of bed – yes, I was actually stretching, something I never thought I would do getting out of bed – I heard voices from downstairs. Even though my hair is thrown all over the place and I’m still in my pajamas that aren’t too modest, I start to head down the stairs.
“Morning sunshine,” Teresa sung loudly as I stumbled into the kitchen. “Whoa, watch it there. Did you break into my parent’s liquor cabinet again last night?”
I shot her a look and she just laughed. “I just woke up, sue me for looking like death. Why didn’t you guys wake me up?”
“You were tired girl, we didn’t want you to be too cranky,” Teresa winked.
I turned to Derek and he looked between Teresa and me. “What she said. Plus, we wanted some Steph free moments, you know you’re kind of overbearing.”
Thankful to have my normal insulting Derek back I sighed. “Oh you’re so hilarious, considering you shouldn’t even be here. So don’t complain about my company, since it was your choice.”
“Yeah yeah yeah,” he said rolling his eyes with his smirk in place.
“So what are you up to today?” Teresa asked smiling. I felt bad because I knew that I couldn’t bring her along – I hadn’t told her about the letter and I knew that she would just freak out. I couldn’t bring her into all of this not after I had left her here and separated myself already and I think she could sense that.
“Do you know if Logan still lives around here?” I asked casually.
“Logan Hall? The Logan who used to chase after us with water balloons every time he saw us during the summer?” She laughed and I smiled reminiscing slightly, too. “I know his address, it’s a couple towns over. Mary and him kept in touch so it should be here somewhere.”
“Your cousin still talked to Logan?” I asked, dumbfounded – apparently after they had dated once in the ninth grade she swore him and all my brother’s friends off. She said they were despicable people who didn’t deserve the company of someone as fine as herself. Yeah, she was a bit pig headed.
“Apparently, she never really got over him. I think she just wanted to scare other people off so she wouldn’t have to watch him with other girls. Didn’t really work, did it? But yeah, they’ve hung out a couple of times now that they’re both a little more mature than freshman year,” she said rummaging through some drawer. “Why do you need his address anyway?”
“I need to talk to him,” I said simply trying not to give too much away.
“About?” She said raising her eyebrow and turning away from the drawer.
“Some things. Loose ends, Reese,” I stated.
“Oh, girl. You know that’s not good enough for me,” she said raising a slip of paper in one hand. “You want it? Tell the truth!”
“I can go look him up in a phone book, or online for that matter,” I countered.
“Stephenie, please, do not even kid yourself. I know you and you are too lazy to do that especially when I have it right here,” she said waving it around, teasing me.
“I just want to talk to Logan about Cam, okay? The year anniversary of his death is tomorrow, and I just need to talk with him, Reese,” I pleaded.
“Shut up, what’s the date?” she said checking the calendar and gasping. “HAPPY BIRTHDAY!”
“Stop it, just give me the address,” I said uncomfortable. I hated my birthday; it was too close to Cam’s death that there was no way it could ever be enjoyable ever again.
Teresa ran over and gave me a hug holding me like she thought I needed. I awkwardly patted her on the back as if I was comforting her. She pulled away and handed me the piece of paper. “I know you hate your birthday, and I know this sucks, but I love you, okay? You’re going to be okay.”
It was a lie, I don’t think I had been okay for my entire life so for that to happen now would be completely ridiculous not to mention a miracle.
“Happy birthday, Stephie,” Derek said giving me a hug and I couldn’t help the tears pricking at the corners of my eyes. The last time I heard someone say that to me was when Cam said it giving me a hug just like now exactly a year ago.
“Derek, let’s go,” I said blinking back the tears and running upstairs to get our stuff to keep going. I would figure this out if not for Cam, but for myself before I carry out my plan of my own.