ORIGINALLY WRITTEN: APRIL 14TH, 2016
GIF ABOVE: GRIFF AND CARSON RELATIONSHIP GOALS
CHAPTER NINETEEN
I decide to skip school Tuesday. Not for anything special like a holiday since it's just September 18th (and I'm pretty sure it's just another normal day for everyone), but to go grocery shopping.
I set my mom's breakfast on her bedside table when I check on her before I leave. She's still asleep, so I kiss her forehead and tuck the sheets in tighter around her. She doesn't even stir.
The wind is cool against my skin as I leave the house and head towards my car in the driveway. I rub my arms against the chill even though it's not that cold. As soon as I get into my car, I roll the windows down and turn on some tunes. I sing along to various songs and savor the feeling of the wind against my skin as I drive to grocery store.
I smirk as I pass the high school, feeling like giving it the middle finger salute. I do exactly that and break out into a full smile. Ah, it feels good just to skip school for once. After countless perfect attendance records, it's like a new sensation of freedom to be able to break from the norm.
The parking lot of Walmart is mostly empty by the time that I arrive. Either everyone is at work or has to make a last minute buy for some product they need today. Either way, I know I won't be having many problems with the stench of the customers. I swear, Walmart just attracts every weird, smelly person on the planet. And it's disgusting, really.
I grab a cart as I go in, smiling at an old lady working on horizontally "stacking" all of the remaining carts and push through aisles. First, I walk through the bread aisle, then go for peanut butter and jelly and other necessities. I make my way through beverages, fruits and vegetables, and all the other items scrawled out on the list I'd made.
I'm grabbing some yogurt when I get a tap on my shoulder. I spin around, caught off guard. It's so empty and quiet in the store and I hadn't noticed anyone coming up behind me. I sigh in relief when I see that it's only a familiar elderly woman and her husband.
Mr. and Mrs. Martello.
"Oh, dear!" Mrs. Martello exclaims, squinting at me from behind her glasses. She smiles, revealing what I'm pretty sure are dentures instead of actual teeth. "Carson, doll, is that you?"
"Yeah, it's me, Mrs. Martello."
"Oh my, is it the weekend already? Have I gotten my days all mixed up again, Albert?" Mrs. Martello pats her husbands arm and glances at him in question.
Albert Martello is not quite as memory challenged as Mrs. Martello and smiles down at her. "No, dear. It is, in fact, a Tuesday."
Mrs. Martello looks back at me with confusion, pursing her wrinkled lips. "Well, what in the world are you doing here, doll? Shouldn't you be in school, young one?"
"Yes," I simply reply, biting my lip.
Mrs. Martello narrows her eyes at me before breaking into another frail smile. "Oh, I will not snitch on you, dolly. How are your parents?"
My throat closes up at the question, reminding me once again of my parents' split. I'm reminded that no one really knows what happened and it's just all one big secret that I have to keep. I blink back the tears in my eyes and smile as best as I can. "They're... fine."
"That's good, dear, that's good." Mrs. Martello pats my arm, believing me instantly. Mr. Albert Martello just purses his lips and gives me a suspicious and pitying look. He knows something is up. Too bad he's not as easily convinced as his wife. That would make it much easier for me to hold up this charade of happiness.
"Yes, it is, Mrs. Martello. But I'm afraid I can't stay around any longer because my milk is getting warm." I point towards the milk in my cart and give her a smile. The milk was only taken out of the fridge a few aisles back and is still freezing cold, but she doesn't know that.
Mrs. Martello takes a step back into her husband and smiles. "Oh, well alright! Good seeing you, doll! Tell your parents that I would love to speak with them soon!"
"I will," I burst unevenly before turning around abruptly with my cart and hitailing it out of the aisle and to the front checkouts.
Whew, I think to myself, actually feeling the nervous sweat forming on my brow. That was a close one.
I lug the last bags of groceries into the kitchen, practically waddling like a penguin because of the weight of all the bags hanging off my forearms. I set them all on the table, letting them slide off my arms. I wince and rub my arms, looking at the red lines the heavy bags left along them.
I sigh and start on unpacking, placing certain foods in the freezer, others in the fridge, and the rest in cabinets. When unpacking the last bag, I hear a loud sound coming from the living room. I frown and set the pop tart box back down on the counter, heading towards the living room.
I poke my head around the door way and see Carolina, Penelope, and Alesha slipping their shoes off and shutting the front door behind them. "What are you doing here?" I ask incredulously.
They all three look up and grin. Carolina says, "Well you can't just skip school without us! Friends are supposed to skip together!"
"What time is it?" I ask, still watching in slight shock as they make their way towards me.
"Like, noon I think. We took off during the lunch hour." Penelope says, chomping on her gum. She looks over me and widens her eyes at whatever she sees there. "Oh, pop tarts! Yum!" She bounds over to the box of pop tarts and starts on opening the box.
"So," Carolina starts, throwing an arm over my shoulders and the other over Alesha's shoulders. "I think we should go shopping today!"
Alesha and I give each other a look from either side of Carolina's body before bursting out laughing. "Wow, that was so predictable," I laugh out and Alesha nods, laughing still, also.
Carolina rolls her eyes and takes her arms from our shoulders. "Yeah, I may be predictable, but don't make fun of me for it. Shopping is the only sport I'm good at."
"Shopping isn't a sport, though," I point out, smirking at her.
Carolina frowns and smacks at my arm. "It is to me, Cara."
"Yeah, it's like the only sport I play," Penelope says from the counter. She bites off her pop tart and walks over to join us just out side the doorway to the living room. "I'm kind of a junior varsity player. Because Carolina says she's on varsity and there's only room for one person on each team."
Alesha and I give Carolina pointed looks that chastise her for messing with Penelope to make her think that way, but Carolina just shrugs with an amused smile.
"Let's just go shopping, yeah?"
Shopping is exhausting.
Then again, shopping is always exhausting. Searching store after store for the best sales, hour after hour, walking all over the huge mall constantly with little to no breaks. Shopping is no small task.
And to add to all that exhaustion, I'd had to spend the whole time fielding questions about Griff and me. Finally, I'd managed to split from Penelope and Carolina to go to Payless with Alesha. There, we talked more about Griffyn but it was a more relaxed conversation without Carolina there to analyze my every word.
"Carson, we're here," Carolina nudges me across the consul. I open my eyes and yawn, feigning waking up from a nap they thought I was taking. The truth is, I only shut my eyes and pretended to nap in order to stop getting questioned about the Rivers family. That was getting annoying after hours and hours of doing just that all day.
"Thanks for the shopping day," I say, getting out.
The three girls grin and Carolina goes, "Anytime! Whenever one skips, we all skip and go shopping! Hopefully we can go again soon."
I don't bother to respond. I just nod and shut the car door then head to my front door.
I almost have a heart attack when I walk around the edge of the garage to my front door and see Griffyn sitting there on my front step. "Oh my God! You scared the crap out of me, Griff!" My hand is on my racing heart (though, it's racing for more reasons than one).
Griff stands, staring at me with his mouth open as if he wants to say something but just doesn't know what to say. Finally he goes, "You skipped school?"
"Obviously," I say sarcastically, gesturing to Carolina who's already speeding down the road. They must not have seen Griff on the front porch when pulling in. I feel if she did, Carolina would have questioned me about it.
Griff frowns and runs a hand through his hair, taking a step forward. I shuffle backwards, only a little, but he catches it and his frown deepens. "Don't avoid me. I know that's what you're trying to do."
"I am not," I argue, crossing my arms. Though, that is kind of the reason that I skipped today. Grocery shopping could have waited until after school, but I decided to skip the day for it because I couldn't take seeing Griffyn after what happened yesterday.
"You are too," Griff argues back.
I stay silent, not knowing how to respond. What does he want me to say? That I'm embarrassed to have kissed him because it just displayed my feelings to him completely and that's exactly what I'm scared of?
"Look," Griff says with a sigh. He runs his hand through his hair again. "I'm sorry for the kiss. I didn't mean it."
The breath feels like it's knocked out of me.
He's sorry for the kiss? Sorry?
On the surface, I'd hoped that he'd just forget about it and we could go back to being friends but honestly, deep down, I'd hoped that he'd just tell me of his feelings for me and then I'd come clean about mine and we'd live happily ever after, but this is real life. And it seems that real life is full of unhappy endings.
With my crushed heart and failing lungs, I just stand there with hunched shoulders staring at my best friend. The guy who stole my heart and then crushed it his fist before returning it back to me.
"Oh," I say.
Griff frowns and stares at me, trying to read me. But now that my feelings have been thrown back in my face, I seal up tightly. I seal my face and eyes from showing any emotion and just stare at him, willing myself not to break, not to show him how much he's affected me.
Finally he goes, "Yeah, um, I didn't mean to kiss you. I-Uh, I obviously don't have feelings like that for you, but you were just right there and that was a really tense conversation, so I just did the first thing that came to mind. That's guys for you," he breaks to chuckle awkwardly, "we act on instinct rather than brains. But anyway, I just don't want it to be awkward between us because of that mistake. It's all my fault. I swear I won't do it again."
And my heart has now been ripped completely from my chest and set on fire. My lungs burn and so do my eyes. I will the tears back once again and try not to choke on air as I respond, "Okay."
"Okay?" Griffyn laughs. "Okay? That's all you have to say? I just gave you a long, and frankly, quite awkward, speech and all you have to say is 'Okay'?"
"Yeah," I respond. His face mirrors disbelief and I end up laughing, surprising us both. My heart mends a little staring at his innocent face.
So, he doesn't like me that way. It's fine. He's my best friend, is all. I expected this anyway. At least I got a kiss from him before he stated his real feelings for me. Besides, there's still a lot of time to make him fall in love with me before the end of high school... Ha! Who am I kidding? I've got no chance even if I had more than a year.
"Do you... want to come in?" I say hesitantly, not daring to look at his face. Even if I'm not really mad at him for his rejection, that doesn't mean I don't love him anymore. I still do and nothing is going to change that. And I am upset with him for not loving me back. But really, there's nothing I can do about that right now. It's not like I can make him love me. So I might as well put that behind me and hope like hell that that changes in the future.
"Yes," Griff answers without hesitation and follows me into my house.
"What movie?" I ask, settling onto the floor. Griff grabs the blanket off the back of the couch and collapses onto it, draping the blanket over him. He pulls off his shirt like he sometimes does. My eyes widen and I turn my back to him, sorting through some DVDs in order to keep me from staring and to keep him from seeing my red cheeks.
"Hmm, what about some Thor?" Griff suggests from behind me.
"I like Thor," I agree with a small smile. I press buttons on the TV and DVD player and get the DVD in and started.
"I know you do," Griff speaks up again. "That's why I picked it."
I smile. It's hard to stay mad at him for not loving me in a romantic way when he clearly loves me in a best friend kind of way. I'd take anything I can get from him.
I flick off the lights before making my way to him. I finally bump into the couch, brushing his leg through the blanket on the way. He grabs me and pulls me onto the empty couch cushion next to him. He reclines the back and lifts the leg rest up so we can get comfortable and wraps one arm around my shoulder. I shudder more because of our close proximity than because I'm cold, but Griffyn seems to take it the wrong way. "You cold?" Griff asks. I am about to shake my head, before I realize that it's dark and we can't see very well in the dark. "Here." He pulls me closer into his body and drapes the blanket farther over my body. I shift in his arms, trying to get comfortable,but with me so close to his, my arm just can't find a comfortable place to rest without touching him in some way. Finally, his laugh rings out in the dark room and he grabs my wrist, pulling it up to his chest. He lets go, leaving it there. My heart beats wildly as my whole hand tingles with the contact it's making with his warm chest. I hope he can't feel or hear the rapid ba-dum-ba-dum of my heart. I glance up at his face and see him intently watching Thor be sent down to Earth. He's got an adorable crease between his eyes as he concentrates on watching the movie. My heart does not calm down.
How the hell am I going to survive just being his friend when I can't even be near him anymore without turning into an emotional mess?
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