ORIGINALLY WRITTEN: MARCH 23RD, 2016
PICTURED ABOVE: GRIFFYN RIVERS
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
"Really, Griff? Are you serious?" I exclaim, looking back over my shoulder with wide eyes. Griffyn is grinning at me, the happiest I've seen him in while which is saying something. That boys is happy almost all the time.
"You like? I was thinking that maybe it was a bit too..."
"No, don't even finish that sentence. This is perfect. I can't believe I've never thought of this before," I praise, shaking my head, still not believing it. Out of all places, I didn't think he'd bring me here.
Earlier this afternoon, he'd come up to me as soon as I'd gotten my backpack zipped shut. "You ready?" He'd asked, looking excited.
I gave him a weird look and slung my backpack over one shoulder. "We're leaving already? What exactly are you planning on doing?"
Griff shrugs, "It's a surprise."
I narrowed my eyes at him even more. None of our Friday get-togethers had ever been secretive. "Griff, really. Tell me what you're planning."
Griff grinned and shook his head. He grabbed my hand and drug me out to his car. I dug my heels into the ground and refused to get in his truck which didn't do any good. He just threw me over his shoulder and tossed me into the passenger's seat.
When he'd rounded the truck and hopped in, he started pulling away immediately. "I'd tell you to cover your eyes, but I know you too well. You'd certainly peek."
I grunted in a half-agreeing yet still not amused gesture and stared out the window. The scenery was familiar since we passed it every day, but it still didn't give me any clues as to where he was taking me. My curiosity had always been very very bad, so I never liked surprises. And certainly so, I was peeved that Griffyn wouldn't tell me where we were headed.
"Please, Griff," I pleaded, as the curiosity finally overwhelmed all of my senses. I couldn't think straight, knowing that there was something that I didn't... well, know.
Griff chuckled and shrugged as he steered his truck through the maze of roads in our town. "Hey, don't you know of that one saying. What is it again? Oh, I remember! Curiosity killed the cat."
I only rolled my eyes and glared at his side profile. How could he joke like this? He knows how much I hate surprises. I'd let him plan this Friday and it wasn't going very good so far. "I'm pretty sure I'm going to kill you if you don't satisfy my curiosity."
Griffyn let out a wholehearted, deep laugh that made me soften for a moment. But as soon as the sound of his laughter had faded, I was back to being bitter. Griff glanced over a me, "Oh, come on. You can hold out for a few more minutes, Carson."
I grumbled to myself and crossed my arms, not happy about having to wait for a surprise I was starting to regret even letting happen. I didn't snap back though, just waited.
And here we are now, at the Go-Karting track.
"Come on," Griff pulls me back to reality, knocking my completely out of my flashback trance that I'd been in. He grabs my hand and practically drags me towards the track.
At the little shack near the edge of the fenced Go-Kart track, there's a surfer looking boy with a light blonde man bun looking bored out of his mind. His face pops up from where he'd been resting it as he notices us. "Oh, hey. Thank God. Ever since summer ended and tourists headed back home, this place has been D-E-A-D. Dead."
Griff offers Surfer Dude a polite smile and buys our way into the track. "How long will we have?"
"Oh, don't worry about it, dude," Surfer Dude, who's name tag says Cory, says. He unlocks the fence to the track and lets us in. "You stay however long you want, man. My parents run this piece of crap -- oops I don't think I'm supposed to call it a piece of crap in front of buying visitors. Oh well. Anyway, my parents own this track so you can stay as long as you want. It won't matter."
Griffyn nods, looking amused. "Cool."
Cory nods even more enthusiastically. "You know how to work these things right?" When we nod, he continues. "Awesome! Now you fellas have gobs of fun. I'm just going to head back to that shack and take a long nap."
We hesitantly nod and watch in silence as Cory jogs to the shack, hopping over the counter and disappearing from view. Griff and I give each other weird looks before shaking our heads.
"He does know that that's just an open invitation for anyone to go and rob that cash register in there, right?" I ask, getting into a Go-Kart and buckling.
Griff does the same while answering me, "He probably doesn't. That guy isn't the brightest from what I've heard."
I shake my head once more before Griffyn presses a button on the remote that Cory had given him. Apparently that button is for the wooden barriers that need to be lifted before we can race on the track.
"Hey, Griff?" I ask, glancing to my right where he sits in the Go-Kart next to me.
"Yeah?" He glances over at me.
I stare at him in order to distract him and slowly lick my lips. His eyes flicker down to my lips and I smirk. When his eyes come back up and meet mine, I know he's distracted. He's having trouble breathing. I wink at him and rev my engine. "I'm going to beat your ass."
Then I press on the gas and leave him in the dust.
"Ow, ow, ow! OW!" I repeat over and over as Griffyn dabs my knee with a cotton ball soaked in hydrogen peroxide.
"Oh, shut up you big baby," Griffyn mutters. He's smiling though.
"How can you smile when I'm clearly in pain?" I swat his shoulder, irritated. He glances up at me and rolls his eyes. I swat him again and it makes him chuckle.
"You shouldn't have chucked yourself out of that Go-Kart," he states, pulling back the cotton ball to examine the large gash on my knee. It's not huge, so I know I won't need stitches or anything. I'm just being a bit of a drama queen like usual.
"I didn't chuck myself! I just tripped on the edge as I was trying to get out of the stupid thing!" I defend, crossing my arms. I can't help the embarrassed blush that makes it's way to my face.
Griffyn smirks, "Yeah, keep telling yourself that, Carson."
I huff, "I'm not-- You know what? I'm not even going to argue with you about this. It's stupid and was an accident."
Griff nods, and unwraps a large bandaid, placing on it over my gash. "Okay. You can do tha--"
"It's all your fault, Griff," I interrupt him in order to place the blame on him jokingly.
Griff looks up at me with wide eyes, looking innocent and surprised. His hand is resting lightly on my knee still and even though it stings because it rests right on top of my gash, I don't want him to move it. But he must notice my wince as I glance down at my knee because he pulls his hand away quickly.
"Crap, sorry about that," He amends, reaching up to ruffle his waves. His cheeks are blotched with little patches of pink and I would've called it adorable if he wasn't my best friend.
"It's fine." I hop off the counter with a shrug. We both look over the counter where Cory is still asleep. How he remained asleep through all of this, I don't know. But I'm starting to realize why this place doesn't get very much service. The owners' son and only employee as of now is a total joke.
"Thanks, Cory," Griff says to Cory's sleeping body and actually waves at him, making me giggle. Griff turns to me with a smirk on his face. My eyes drift to the dimple in his cheek. Cute. "What do you say we get back to yours?"
As soon as we tromp through the door, we are greeted by the most terrible sight that I could have imagined.
My mom.
Drunk.
My mom sits on the couch, watching some soap opera with a bottle of the strongest of our whiskey in hand. She's on the phone and bawling two at the same time. "No, you bitch!... You know what?..... Why am I taking advice from a woman who's been single for her whole fucking life?"
I rush over to my mom, fuming in anger and embarrassment. How dare she do this the one time Griffyn comes over? I thought she was over this phase! How could I think that she'd be alright alone for over 24 hours? "Mom!"
"Give me that phone back right now, young lady!" My mom half-sobs at me. She meant to shout but couldn't. She reaches for the phone in my hand, but I pull it back.
"Mom! Calm down!" I snap loudly. She just keeps shouting at me, trying to get the phone back. I hang up the call she was on, having enough. I throw it to the ground and point in her face, "You're so embarrassing, I swear."
This quiets her.
She stares at me, her sobs stopping almost immediately. And for the first time in a long time, I can see all the emotions show in her eyes. All the emotions that she'd held back and hid for months now.
Anger. Embarrassment. Disappointment. Sorrow.
Hurt.
I knew instantly that I'd gone too far and try to pull her in for a hug, but she pushes my arms away from her. "Come on, Mom! I'm sorry! I didn't mean it!"
My mom stands up from the couch without a word heads to her room, taking the bottle of whiskey with her.
I sigh, rubbing my forehead. I take my time turning off the TV and picking up the phone to put it in it's rightful place. When I have nothing else to straighten up, I'm forced to glance back at Griff.
Out of all the things that I'd expected to see expressed on his face, I only get the most unexpected one. Understanding and pity.
"When did this start happening?" Griff asks quietly.
I sigh and cross my arms, my lower lip wobbling. I didn't want him to find out. I didn't want anyone to find out that my mom was such a mess. But out of all people, I'd wanted to keep it from Griffyn and Parker the most. I didn't want the pity and I didn't want them to treat me differently because of it.
"This summer," I force out, my voice broken. Just like how I'm feeling inside.
Griffyn sucks in a quick breath, as if he didn't expect that answer even though he probably did, and sits down on the couch, clasping his hands together. "Carson, where's your father?"
"Business trip, I told you already." The lie slips right out of my mouth as easily as the truth. It's funny how easy it is to mislead people. After all, I've had personal experience.
Griff doesn't buy it one bit.
He doesn't believe me. I know so. His expression says it all. He knows I'm lying to him and he seems upset about it.
"He's fine. I'll let him know about this later. He was usually there to console her when she got out of hand. She's been very stressed with work lately," I lie again, adding more and more complications to the already big lie. I didn't have to add it, but I did anyway for his sake.
And it seems to work because he nods, looking more convinced now that I explained. Even if it was all complete bogus. He wouldn't know that.
He looks down at the floor, not answering and we're cloaked in silence once again. The silence causes the weight and realization of my mom's mental breakdown to drop down on me. It's too much for me. Is it too selfish to ask for just one perfect day? I'd been having one right up until coming home and seeing her in this state. Even with the scraped knee and all.
Just thinking about it, I start to breath quicker, causing him to glance up as he hears it.
It's not the type of quick breathing you get when you're nervous or pent up on adrenaline or lacking oxygen.
It's the kind of quick breathing right before a person bursts into heart-racking sobs that shake the entire body. The kind of sobs that leave your nose stuffed so much that you can barely even breath through your mouth. The kind of sobs that lets everyone know how broken you are inside and how completely and utterly unhappy you are.
Griff stands and envelopes me in a hug right before the sobs start to tear from my body. They sound guttural and awful and ugly. So ugly. But he doesn't care. He hugs me fiercely and runs his hands through my hair as he whispers soothing words to me. I can't comprehend what he's saying to me, but it makes me feel better anyway. He's always been able to make me feel better. Even when no one else is able too, including family.
"You're strong," he whispers when I finally start to listen and my sobs become softer, more like a weak whimper than anything. "Do you want me to stay with you tonight?"
Without a moment's hesitation, I nod.
Of course I want him to stay with me. He's the only person in this world who can make me feel better. And if he leaves now, I'll start to cry again and I don't know if I'd ever be able to stop.
Griff carries me up the stairs even though he doesn't need to. He takes off his t-shirt and jeans and slides into a pair of his basketball shorts left here from our countless sleepovers. I do the same without heading to the bathroom. I'm too tired and too upset to really care about anything right now.
He turns away and waits respectfully as I change, slipping into a pair of shorts and one of his t-shirts.
And then we get into bed.
For a while, we lie in silence, backs to each other, not touching, barely breathing. Then, he turns to face my back and slides his arm around my waist. It's soothing and makes the tension in my muscles seep out. I allow the relaxation to take effect, enjoying the lack of having to worry or being all tight and wound up.
Then I fall asleep.
"No! Don't leave me Dad!" I scream, rushing towards him. Nothing is holding me back as I chase towards his retreating form in the distance, but it seems that even as I sprint faster, I can only keep getting further away from him.
"Dad! I thought you loved me! I thought you loved us!"
Only then does my father turn back to look at me. He's too far away. I should not be able to see his face so clearly, but I do. And I wish I couldn't.
He looks at me with disgust. He's not loving at all. He's not upset, not sad, not even angry. Just disgusted. "I never loved you. Or your mother. Now leave me alone!"
He turns and start to walk away from me, even faster than before.
And even though his words broke my heart, I still love him. Because he's my father. And that's what a daughter is supposed to do. She's supposed to love her father. Just like he loves his daughter. But obviously, he's not the typical father.
But because I still love him, "Dad! No! Don't go! Don't leave me!"
I gasp, sitting up in the bed as quickly as humanly possible. My skin is slick with sweat and my sight is hazy as I'm still tired from lack of sleep. My heart hammers loud as thunder in a winter storm as I struggle to recover from the nightmare.
That dream always feels so real. But that's because it basically is real. This summer, my father left my mother and I. He didn't cheat like usual breaks go. He just fell out of love. He fell out of love in the most painful way ever.
He could've divorced more simply, more considerate of our feelings, but no. He'd just said that he didn't love us anymore, filed a divorce, and left.
And since then, my outlook on love has been changed, warped.
Destroyed.
After all, my parents used to have the realest love I'd ever seen. They were inseparable when I was a child. Always kissing and hugging and showing all forms of PDA that my friends' parents never did. They were the perfect couple. Everyone seemed to see automatically that the two were made for each other. I used to think that.
I used to brag about them to everyone. I knew kids in my class were jealous because their parents weren't together or were always fighting and I just happened to have the most loving parents anyone could ask for.
They were soul-mates. Everyone knew that. Everyone believed that.
So why didn't they last?
And if the two most in-love people I'd ever met couldn't even make it together and love each other, then how would anyone else?
Therefore, I'd realized that true love is just a myth. Yes, people may fall in love -- deep love -- but it can never be true love. True love exists only in fairytales. In the end, all love is doomed. Whether by death or by choice, it always falls apart.
The person you love is always going to leave you one way or another.
Just like my father.
Something shifts beside me and a grip tightens around my waist, pulling me out of my dark thoughts. I glance down and see Griffyn. Biting my lip, I think of my dream and am terrified. Even best friends are capable of love just like a family member. Just like my dad. And if I keep them too close, they'll just find more reasons to not love me anymore. I can't let the same happen with Griff. I will be unfixably broken if the same happens with him. He can't leave me.
I can't get too close.
These thoughts are what convinced me to shake him awake.
Griffyn groans and mumbles before squinting and seeing me sitting up. He jerks awake and sits up, arm still around my waist. He leans closer to see through the dark and look into my eyes, "Are you okay? Carson, did you have a bad dream?"
I want so bad to just go back to sleep and tell him how great of a friend he his and how good he is to me. I want to let him wrap his arms back around me and for us to sleep soundly through the rest of the night.
But I know I shouldn't.
I can't.
If I do, it's certain to betray me in the end.
So I say, "You probably shouldn't be in my bed tonight. My mom may still be up and drunk. We don't want her to come in and start yelling."
Griffyn's a smart guy. Way smarter than average. So he understands that that was just another one of my excuses. I read his expression through the dark. He knows that's not the reason I'm kicking him out of my bed, but he's not sure what the actual reason for it is.
"But... we've always done this, Carson. And your mom is fine with it." Griff whispers into the dark silence of my room.
I look away, down at my plain black and white comforter. "You may sleep on the couch."
Griffyn takes in a shaky breath in answer to my response. I glance up again and meet his eyes. There, I see it all. All of his emotions are for show. He's too tired and too confused to hide.
He's upset and hurt and angry. I can understand why he is, too. But I have to do this. He doesn't know my reasons, but he needs to understand that I can't just let him hurt me like my father did. There's a reason to everything I do. I just hope he knows that. He knows me better than anyone.
"I did this for you," he states in a voice a little quieter than normal but louder than a whisper. He's staring at me, trying to read my face. "And you kick me out? And you never even said thank you."
Then he slips out of my bed and leaves.
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