Chapter Thirty-Eight
The last two and a half weeks went by in a blurry, grey haze. Alex and I tried to spent as much time together as we could because we knew that in sixteen or so short days, he would be gone.
I wanted to spend every waking moment with him, I made it my mission. And I wanted to really, fully enjoy every moment too. I really did. But I just couldn't. It was hard, trying to let whatever silly activity we were doing fully envelope me because I knew there were more important things at hand.
Instead of focusing on what we were doing I would focus instead on how rough his hand was when it intertwined with mine perfectly, as if my own hand was molded just to fit his. How he rubbed his neck when he was tired, frustrated, or thinking. The way his eyes crinkled a little in the corners when he smiled. How he'd let his lips linger on my own, just a few seconds longer than necessary, when he kissed me sometimes. How he'd look at me deeply and then give me a quick kiss right after I said something that he thought was funny, or intelligent, or sweet. How he'd immediately have a little stubble on his cheek after a couple of days of skipping a shave. How, when he was busy, he'd let his dishes pile up in the sink until he absolutely had to wash them. How he'd carelessly throw his tie across the lamp in his bedroom and sometimes accidentally slip on the dress pants he had on the day before because he rarely used his hamper. How he was...him.
I was going to miss every single thing about him.
He was leaving, and I didn't know if I was ever going to see him again. And there really wasn't anything I could do about it.
***
"Are you sure you can't go?" Abby whined through the phone.
"I'm sure," I told her for the millionth time that day as I walked into Alex's house.
Of course I couldn't go on the trip. The same time Alex was leaving the seniors would be getting together at school and getting ready to leave themselves. There was no way I was leaving Alex the day he was leaving me. I had to see him for this one last time. I was in way too deep and I hated myself for it.
"Why?" Braden and Chloe shouted at the same time.
I sighed, plopping down on the couch. "You guys, I - "
"You're coming," Chloe interrupted.
"And that's final," Braden added on at the end.
"Stop it," I told them.
"You have to come," Chloe insisted.
"Yeah!" Mallory interjected. "It's the last major trip of our senior year!"
"If you don't come they'll talk about it all weekend," Taylor groaned.
"Glad to see you care," I said sarcastically.
"Come on, Juuules," Braden pleaded and I could tell he'd taken off speakerphone.
"Come on, Braaade," I mocked.
"Seriously. Come!"
"You and I have already talked about this."
"Vaguely."
I continued like I hadn't heard him. "You know I can't come."
He sighed. "I know."
"Just...don't worry about me. Okay?"
"Right."
"Have fun."
"You too."
I clicked End and groaned as I got up and walked into the bedroom.
"What?" Alex asked as he chewed on the end of an expensive Montblanc pen I'd given him among a thousand other things as going away presents.
"That was the guys," I said, falling back onto the bed.
"Again?" he questioned.
"Yeah, again."
He laid down next to me. "They just want you to come with them. They really love you and want you to be with them, you know."
"I guess."
"It's not fair."
"What's not fair?"
"They get to have you more than I do."
I looked up at him and my breath caught in my throat. He was far closer than I anticipated and his eyes were serious, and loving, and caring, and fierce, boring into my own.
Suddenly, his lips were on mine. And before I could think about reacting, I already was.
I kissed him back hungrily, aching for more. The want and need from the past couple of weeks was fueling us even more. He tore my white cotton dress over my head and planted hungry, soft kisses on my neck. I ripped open his white dress shirt, tearing a few buttons off in the process. I pulled him closer, even though his hot skin was already clinging to mine.
"You know what?" Alex said, tearing his lips away from mine for one second, much to my dismay.
"What?" I said breathily, my hands trailing down his chest.
"They may get to have you more than I do, but I made the most of my time."
"That's debatable. Now shut up and kiss me."
***
I hadn't been able to sleep all night and of course I knew why. I still hadn't come to grips with the fact that Alex was leaving.
And I didn't have much time left.
I stared at Alex's sleeping form, amazed at how peaceful he looked. It's incredible how different and people look when sleeping. It's like they're a whole different person. They just look like the most peaceful people on Earth.
I rolled over lazily as my phone began to beep. It was my alarm telling me it was time us for us to get up and going. I rolled out of bed and rushed to the bathroom. After quickly using the bathroom, brushing my teeth, and washing my face I shook Alex.
"Eh?" he murmured sleepily, rolling over.
"Get up," I shook him some more. "It's time to go."
"I don't want to," he resisted.
I bit my lip sadly before shaking him once last time. "Get up," I said, my voice stern.
"Fine." He got up, grabbed my head, and licked both sides of my face harshly.
"Ew!" I giggled faux-disgustedly, even though I secretly loved it.
"Is that up enough for you?" he smiled before walking into the bathroom.
"Jerk!" I called after him.
"You love it!" he shouted back through the door.
"You got that right," I said to myself.
I packed up my stuff and changed out of my nightdress into a slouchy, oversized black T-shirt, skinny boyfriend jeans, and my favourite worn-in Havaianas. After pulling my hair up into a messy ponytail I made my way into my kitchen and toasted a bagel, cut it in half, and spread peanut butter on it. I took my time eating it, making each bite slow and thorough. After I finished eating I poured myself a tall glass of orange juice and drank it slowly. After I was done with that I ambled to the bedroom.
"Hurry up!" I shouted, knocking on the bathroom door. "You're gonna be late!"
As soon as my sentence was finished he swung the door open. I was surprised to see him dressed and ready to go.
"Ready," he said grimly.
"O-okay," I stuttered. "Let's go then."
He grabbed his last suitcase - most of his stuff was already in Connecticut, or it was on its way, and the rest we'd already put into my car - and I grabbed my bag. We quietly walked outside. I watched him as he closed the front and locked it. For the last time.
We climbed into the car and I started it and began to drive wordlessly. At a red light I reached into my bag and threw Alex an apple.
"Breakfast?" he joked.
I nodded before picking up my vibrating phone. It was Chloe calling. I hit Ignore and waited for the light to turn green. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Alex nervously play with something in his pocket.
On the way to the train station Abby, Chloe, and Mallory called me five times. Each time I hit ignore.
Thirty silent minutes later I pulled up to the train station. I parked the car, we got out, and I helped him with his luggage. We made our way to his terminal. As soon as we put his luggage into the train they called for his stop.
"So," he said, facing me, his hand shooting to his jacket pocket again.
"So," I copied. I shivered a little and rubbed my hands together. My hair whipped around my face wildly as the wind blew fiercely. It was unexpectedly cold this morning and I was nearly trembling.
"Here," Alex said, shrugging off his sweatshirt and handing it to me.
I smiled and took it gratefully, "Thank you." I pulled it over my head and slipped my arms through the too long sleeves. I crossed my arms over my chest, warming up already.
I was glad that he gave me his jacket, for more than just the fact of warmth. It was one more piece of him I got to keep with me. I sniffed it surreptitiously, and the smell of him warmed me up more than the jacket itself.
"Is this it?" Alex asked hesitantly.
"I wish it weren't," I admitted, exhaling deeply.
We stared at each other silently for a few minutes, both of us saying so much with no words at all.
"Last call!" the conductor shouted.
"I guess that's you," I smiled weakly.
He wrapped me up in a big, tight hug and it took all I had not to cry.
"You'd better go," I said, my voice pained.
He nodded before giving me a quick kiss. He turned around and walked slowly to the platform.
I stuffed my hands into my jacket pockets when both my hands bumped into something.
"What is this?" I asked myself quietly, furrowing my eyebrows. I pulled out a robin's egg blue box. I opened it up and gasped. "Oh my god," I whispered. Inside was an infinity symbol pendant in platinum. I took out the other box and opened it. "Oh my god," I repeated. Inside was the matching ring.
"Alex!" I shouted.
He turned around and I sprinted to him as fast as I could, but it still wasn't fast enough.
He picked me up in his arms and I kissed him hard, and long. The kiss was rough but still tender. Our lips moved passionately, in sync. I felt like I was in a movie. It was undoubtedly the best kiss I'd ever had. I broke away, first, speechless.
I opened my mouth to say something but no sound came out. There was nothing I could say to sum up how I felt.
He kissed me again and just as I was about to say something - anything - he said something blew my mind.
"I love you," he said earnestly. "You have no idea how long I have been in love with you. I love everything about you - your smile, the way you laugh, your intelligence, your beauty. You're utterly indescribable and irreplaceable. I'm proud to say that you're mine and it absolutely kills me to have to leave you. You have no idea exactly how much you really mean to me." He pressed his lips to mine once more. "God, I love you so much."
"I love you, too," I said breathlessly, a smile slowly making it's way onto my face.
And as I said it, I realized it was true. I loved him - I was in love with him. And it explained everything. Why I cared about him so much, why I thought about him so much, why I loved everything he did so much, why him leaving me was absolutely breaking my heart.
And it made me the happiest girl in the world to know that he loved me back. He really, truly loved me and cared about me and would stay with me if he could. He loved me.
I only wish he had been my first love.
"I love you," he grinned broadly. "I love her!" he shouted to bystanders, pointing vigorously at me.
I laughed a real, genuine laugh. "I love you, too."
"Let me put it on," he said quickly. He grabbed my ring and slid it onto my finger softly. I lifted up my hair and admired how it looked on my hand as he fastened my necklace. "It looks great."
"Thank you," I beamed. "It's beautiful."
"I'm really gonna miss you," he said, tucking a piece of hair behind my ear. "I'm truly sorry about everything. I really wish I hadn't ever hurt you, I promise I didn't mean to. You've changed my life and made me feel things I didn't know I could...you make me feel special. You are worth fighting for and you are worth loving. You're worth everything I couldn't ever give you and more."
"Sir, if you are boarding the train you need to get on now," an official-looking guy ordered.
Alex turned back to me. "Forever," he promised.
"Forever," I repeated wistfully.
He gave me one last, breathtaking kiss before hurrying up into the train. I watched his figure move up through the train. I walked forward, following him.
Once he sat down and found his seat, he looked through the window, searching for me. Once he spotted me his gaze rested on mine and his eyes brightened a little.
The train blew it's whistle and I watched as it began to move forward a little.
"I love you," Alex mouthed through the window.
I fingered my necklace and smiled, before mouthing back, "I love you, too."