Kylo Ren turned away from me. He walked out of the cell's door and I made no attempt to stop him.
_____
The rest of my day passed by very slowly.
I skipped out on my regular morning training session with Kylo Ren, and I'm very sure that he would've agreed in the cancellation of it as well.
I went to the Lunch Hall when it was time for lunch. Kylo Ren didn't show up, which wasn't too surprising for me. Rulara and Fruvis inquired about his whereabouts, but all I could do was shrug.
After lunch, I went to my job. I helped my stormtroopers go through their training sessions. We went through a couple of drills that involved my cooperating with them in a battle simulation. It all went fairly well, and the best part about it all was that it kept my mind off of Kylo Ren.
I had been avoiding thinking about it. I wanted to be able to think things through and figure out where my heart lay. I didn't want to rush into things.
After my several days in The First Order's infirmary, all of my injuries from the doctor-abduction had been nearly healed. Most of my injuries were completely healed now. I found out during my job that if I worked too hard, my calf would begin to horrendously sting (if you would recall the bullet wound in my calf).
I was laying in my bed the evening of the fight with Kylo Ren. Now that I was alone and there were no distractions, I couldn't keep my mind off of it.
I had two possible decisions that I could make. I could take a risk, be with Kylo Ren, and possibly endanger the both of us, or I could be sure of my safety and stay away from him.
I had no clue what to do.
Obviously I am very passionate about my relationship with Kylo Ren. I like him -- a lot. I admire his confidence, I am impressed by his power, I am very attracted to him (in a lot of different ways), and he is the least boring person I have ever met. He is sexy, hard-working, a perfect mixture of selfless and selfish, and is incredibly intelligent.
However, I also value my life. If someone were to discover our intimate relations, then not only do I believe I would get in trouble, but I also am very confident in the assumption that I would get hurt. Perhaps I would get banished, tortured, or killed. It would be very hard for me to sit there, know my life is on the line, and be okay with it.
I knew that I couldn't keep all of these thoughts and emotions bottled up inside of me. I knew I had to talk about it, and I could only talk about it with one person -- Kylo Ren.
I was tired and already in bed. The lights were dimmed, but my thoughts kept me wide awake. I couldn't get him off of my mind.
I slowly climbed out from under the blankets and contemplated on whether or not I would venture out of the cell and find him.
I found myself walking towards the cell's door seconds later and knew that my decision had been made. I would go and talk to Kylo Ren.
When I entered the hallway, I realized that he could've been anywhere in the massive base. I stood and pondered about where he could possibly be. I searched the depths of my mind for an idea as to where he was.
Then I realized that there was only one place that Kylo Ren could've been -- even though I didn't have the powers of The Force, I then knew exactly where he was.
I walked through the silent corridors of The First Order's base until I reached my destination.
I slowly tread through the sliding doors of the training arena and, surely enough, there he was.
It was not quiet in the arena when I arrived. Kylo Ren had been dueling with the lightsaber combative training hologram and he was making an extreme ruckus. Upon my entrance, he had hesitated in a parry -- he must have sensed my presence -- and the hologram took a shot at Kylo Ren's ribs. He was hit by the hologram. Kylo Ren flinched and then took an aggressive jab at the hologram.
Instead of acknowledging me, he continued to duel. His staged fighting continued for several more minutes, in fact. All I did was cross my arms across my chest and watch in amazement as he whipped the fake lightsaber back and forth, easily battling the hologram.
Finally he stopped. I watched as he walked over to the small box that displayed the hologram's image, turned it off, and walked over to the table.
I chose to speak when he began to take off his helmet.
"Kylo Ren, you can't just use The Force to take control over me whenever you want. Even if you truly do only want me to fulfill your sexual desires, you can't keep doing that. Life doesn't work that way and I won't allow you to treat me like that." I stated. I had wished for my voice to come out steady and level, but instead I had shakily blurted all of my self-defensive statements.
Kylo Ren froze while setting his helmet on the table. He slowly turned to look at me. Sweat dripped down his sexy face. He had a look of pure disbelief and frustration on his gorgeous features.
He then set his mask down with a clunk and threw the fake lightsaber back onto the combat mats. Kylo Ren then aggressively strode towards me. My heart rate began to drastically increase and I couldn't help taking a few steps to back away from him.
He stopped progressing towards me when he was a few feet away. His eyes were narrowed, brows scrunched, and mouth in a frown. I waited for screaming, sexual tension, the application of The Force to control me, or all three.
"Are you an imbecile, Nira?" He asked -- his voice was not monotonous as it usually was, but it sounded rather aggravated and angry.
"What?" I asked this because his question had thrown me off guard. I hadn't received any of the anticipated screaming, sexual tension, or the application of The Force on me.
"Are you an imbecile?" Kylo Ren repeated slowly. I squinted my eyes at him. "What are you talking about?"
Almost immediately after the question came out of my mouth, he blurted, "How could I only want you for your body? Do you even know what I've done for you?"
I glanced down at his full, lush lips for an instant before back up to his ominously beautiful brown eyes.
I didn't reply because I didn't know how to. Of course I knew everything that Kylo Ren's done for me. He saved me from The Resistance, risked his entire organization for me by taking me to Beyzuno, tried his best to protect me from the Knights of Ren, got me a job, kept me from being killed because of my powers, saved me from various dangerous situations, rescued me from my broken escape ship I stole from the doctors, and so much more.
While I was silent, rage must have been bubbling up inside of him. He didn't hold back his anger.
Kylo Ren turned towards the weight machines and violently threw his arm outwards. I watched one of the giant weight machines crumple under the use of The Force that he applied to it. Kylo Ren then caused the crushed machine to elevate off of the ground -- he smashed it down moments later and the metal muscle device shattered on the floor with an eardrum-breaking crash.
I stared at the machine, wide-eyed and slightly panicked. He was furious, and I knew how dangerous any situation was when Kylo Ren was furious. I watched apprehensively as his shoulders heavily moved upwards and downwards due to his angry, labored breathing.
"When you're angry, you handle me aggressively, Kylo Ren. How is that not showing that you don't care for me? For my well-being?" I questioned quietly and tentatively. I knew that one wrong move could result in my serious injury, but I had to express what I was truly feeling.
Kylo Ren turned towards me and began quickly speaking in a menacing tone. "I find it hard to control myself when I am angry, Nira. I am impulsive. My emotions are difficult to handle. I can't help it. I have been trying for the longest time to learn how to quickly calm myself down, but all of my endeavors are ineffective. My enraged irrational thought process is part of who I am. I can't change it."
When I didn't reply, he took the chance to further explain himself. "I try my absolute hardest not to lose control when I'm around you. It's just -- you don't -- " Kylo Ren angrily huffed, looked up at the ceiling, and look back at me, "You don't understand the effect you have on me!"
"What do you -- " I began, but he interrupted me.
"Your mere presence around me is nearly overpowering. As I just said, I have been fruitlessly struggling to gain the ability to regulate my emotions and reactions. Before I met you I had been very close to being fully capable of doing so. Then we were introduced and it seemed like everything I had worked for just washed away.
"I know it isn't your fault, so I try not to blame you for it. I mean this in the best way possible, but you are the reasoning behind my chaotic actions. You cause the defectiveness of my conduct over myself. My emotions are unpredictable around you and I can't seen to figure out why." Kylo Ren looked thoughtful for a moment before passionately adding, "I am like a blaster with the safety off, and you are a child with a tight grip on the trigger! I don't know if that makes sense to you, but it does to me."
I stared at Kylo Ren. I was unable to speak. I had no clue what to say. It seemed to me, at that point in time, that our relationship was just a ball of destruction.
"The reason why I act so erratic around you because of how much -- " Kylo Ren bit his lip and stared at me, "Because of how much I -- "
I frowned. I had never seen him stutter before. Kylo Ren had always been confident in his words, so seeing him unable to get out a proper sentence was extremely surprising and a tad confusing.
"Because of how much I care about you, Nira."
All was silent around us as I absorbed his meaningful words. He was being honest, I could tell. He had convinced me that he cared for me and I knew that he wasn't lying.
He then began angrily pacing back and forth in front of me. "What -- what is it?" I inquired worriedly. I did not particularly enjoy watching him angrily pace.
He paused his pacing and looked at me. "I just -- I can't. I can't!"
He then resumed his furious strides. I watched him, anxiety becoming more and more prominent in me.
"What is it?" I begged him to release what he was hiding from me. Kylo Ren then turned to me, walked forwards, and grabbed my shoulders. I tried to refrain from looking too scared.
"I love you, okay? I love you, Nira. I love you."
Silence ensued.
"But I can't! I love you but I'm literally not allowed to! It's common law that I'm not allowed to have any romantic relations with someone that is underneath me in the governmental system! I love you, but I can't!" He exclaimed, looking me in the eyes with a desperate, crazed look.
I looked back at him, and rashly leaned forward. I pressed my lips against his.
Thoughts were racing through my mind at the speed of light. I didn't know what to think; I only knew what I wanted to do, which was to kiss Kylo Ren.
He clutched tightly to my arms and I gently pressed my hands to his waist. He passionately moved his lips around mine, and together our lips flawlessly fit together like pieces to a complex, bipolar puzzle.
And then he pushed me away. I looked up at him with a gentle smile. I had accepted the fact that he loved me and I was ready to fall in love with him, as well. I wasn't there yet, but I was sure that I would get there eventually.
Kylo Ren did not return my smile, however.
"Did you not just hear me?" He whispered with a look of grief on his face. My smile dripped off of my face. Horror caused my heart to beat quicker.
"I can't love you, Nira. I can't lo -- "
I didn't let him speak another word. I could feel the tears welling in my eyes and my fists balling up involuntarily. I had to get out of that room. I had to get away from him. I was going to throw up, scream, sob, accidentally snot everywhere, or gag -- maybe all of them. I had to leave. I couldn't look at him a second longer.
I pulled away from his hands, which continued to hold onto my shoulders. He didn't allow me to get away so quickly, however.
"Nira, can we talk about this?" He desperately pleaded, looking into my eyes after tugging me back towards him. His warm brown eyes were filled with fear, anxiety, and sadness, but I didn't care. My eyes were filled with tears.
I yanked myself away from him and quickly exited the training arena without a single glance back at him. The tears began to spill over onto my cheeks just as I passed over the threshold leading away from the area where my heart had been broken.
_____
Author's Note
I know that Nylo is going through a rough patch, but please don't stop reading just because of that!
Track has officially started. These are the times in which my updates might come every other day, so get prepared and please don't harass me. I am going to try my best, but Wattpad (unfortunately) does not rank first on my list of priorities.
THANK YOU FOR GETTING ME TO #35 IN FANFICTION!!! I KNOW THAT'S TEMPORARY BUT HOLY CRAP!
Okay, see all of you wonderful people later :)!!!!!!