Something explodes inside my body; a quiet but powerful thing that makes my legs weaken and my breath disappear. I can't breathe. He's here. Why is he here? How is he here?
He doesn't speak, he just stares at me with those warm turquoise eyes until slowly, very slowly, my body and soul begins to awaken under them. His mouth is covered in a rich brown beard and so I can't tell if it's soft or tense as he stares at me. He's staring at me like he can't quite believe I'm real, or as though he's trying to re-familiarise himself with my face again. I don't need to re-familiarise myself with him though, because I hadn't forgotten a single inch of him. He looks exactly like I remembered, better maybe. Better because he's flesh and blood and real.
The heated silence stretches on and neither of us speaks to fill it. Finally, Rob clears her throat.
"Wow, yeah. Like I thought; you two belong together." her voice seems to come from somewhere far behind me. "I'll leave you both to it." I hear the rustle of her dress fade behind me and still I can't look away from him or say anything.
He's wearing a perfectly tailored dark blue suit, the top button of his white shirt undone, and a black tie. His hair is longer now - highlighting painfully how much time has passed since I've seen him - and he has it slicked back stylishly. His neatly groomed beard, even if it does partially hide the mouth I love so much, suits him perfectly. He looks very serious and incredibly beautiful and his eyes seem to be telling me so many things as they burn into me making me feel warmer than I've felt in weeks.
"How are you here?" I whisper. Christ that's not even a proper question.
He seems to consider his response for a moment, his mouth tightening ever so slightly. "Robyn invited me," He says.
Oh, that voice. That rough, deep male voice that used to send shivers through me still does. Of course it does. I nod and draw my tongue across my lips which feel dry and useless. There's so much I want to say to him, that I need to say to him, but all I seem able to do right now is look at him.
"But I can go Alex. I can go right now if you want me to. I don't want to be here if it upsets you. That's the last thing I wanted." He says.
A stab of fear shoots through me, hot and sudden. Oh, I'm not ready for him to be gone again, for him to leave me again. Slowly, I shake my head. "No. I'm not upset," I tell him and his shoulders seem to loosen with relief.
I still can't look away from him. I think maybe I'm scared that if I do then this moment will be gone and I'll be back to reminding myself of all the reasons why I can't love him. Reasons I can't remember now that he's here, in front of me and real. He takes a few steps toward me and then stops, uncertain.
He swallows and his mouth softens. "I heard you play." he smiles. "You were amazing bab-." He stops himself. "It was perfect. I knew you'd be perfect."
The tears rush up to the back of my eyelids hot and unexpected. He saw me play. He was there when I played. He came. I swallow back the threat of tears and manage a small smile. I speak only when I'm sure my voice won't give me away.
"Well, you always said you wanted to hear me play Bach," I smile. When he smiles back it's not the full boyish smile I remember. It's a little reserved, and there's some sadness in it, but it's still Jake.
"Well, you play Bach just as good as you play Beethoven." He says and suddenly the night I tasted him at my piano explodes into my mind. It makes my mouth water and my stomach clench tightly and dangerously. As the heat creeps up my neck I finally manage to tear my eyes away from his and I glance away out onto the manicured lawns of Ileam Castle.
I move towards him and then past him, stopping at the ornate wall which wraps around the stone patio. The setting sun around the castle is ethereal and glorious but's it's not what I want to look at. I want to look at him. I've missed his face and his eyes and his gaze on me and I'm afraid that he might disappear if I'm not looking at him. When I turn back around to face him he's staring at me hard, his eyes narrowed slightly in concentration.
"You look so beautiful.." He whispers, his eyes softening. "Your hair's different?" He casts a curious eye over and down the length of it. It's too long again.
I run my hand over it. "No. Oh it's maybe the sun. I was in France for a few weeks. It always lightens." I tell him.
He nods. "I like it."
I smile and drop my eyes to the lower half of his face. "You have a beard."
Apparently we're talking about hair at the moment. Which I suppose is a far safer topic than everything else we could be talking about.
"It just sort of happened. Cale says I look like a bear." He slowly runs his hand over his mouth and down the facial hair covering his throat. It makes me want to run my hand over it.
"I like it," I reply.
Jake's smile deepens and he nods. "Then it stays I guess."
When his eyes go serious again I think he's about to reach out and touch me and I want it. Desperately I want it. I need to feel his skin on mine again and the warmth and comfort of his arms as he wraps them around me. I know exactly how it will feel because I imagined it a hundred thousand times in those moments I'd allowed myself to think of him since he left. He doesn't reach out to touch me though, his arms stay firm by his sides and his eyes stay firm on my own.
"It's good that you're here actually.." I take a deep breath and drop my eyes from his again. The tone of my voice is strange, too formal maybe. I need to try and soften it. "There were things I said to you that day..." I close my eyes, the shame and guilt washing over me. "Things I shouldn't have said to you. Things I'm ashamed of.. " You disgust me. I can't love you. I can't be with a man like you. You disgust me.
When I look up at him his brows are furrowed, a look of confusion draped over his eyes. He takes a couple of steps toward me and stops closer to me than he's been yet, so close that I have to tilt my head up a little to look up at him. A comforting heat washes over me at the proximity of him; it's his heat.
The closeness of his skin and his mouth and his arms, and of all the other parts of him that I want to be close to again, are a real tangible thing now.
"You've got nothing to be ashamed about Alex, nothing." he states firmly. "Everything you said to me that day I deserved. Fucking hell, I deserved a lot more than what you gave me." He looks guilty now.
Oh, that's not true, he deserved to be listened to and be understood and be believed. I never did any of that.
"Really? Even when I accused you of a violent sexual assault?" I flare.
His mouth tightens and he nods gravely. "Yes. I gave you no reason to think I couldn't have done that. You knew nothing about me. Because I hid everything from you. I lied to you." He sounds so sad. It tightens the space around my heart.
"You gave me every reason to think you weren't capable of that Jake. Every moment we were together was proof that you weren't capable of that. I know you aren't capable of that. I knew then, of course I knew, I just..." I feel the tears come again and he moves toward me before stopping himself just before he touches me.
His resistance only makes the sadness intensify. God the fact that he feels he can't touch me anymore is painful. I did that. Or maybe he just doesn't want to touch me anymore? That's more painful.
"I never came here to talk about any of that Alex," He shakes his head. "I don't want you to have to think about it again, or talk about it again. That's not why I came."
"Then why did you come? Why are you here?" my voice is harsher than I mean it to be.
"Because Robyn is extremely fucking persuasive," He says. "And because I'm a self serving bastard and I wanted to see you. I was going to leave after seeing you play but she persuaded me not to."
He was going to leave? Without even speaking to me? Yes, he is selfish. How could he even consider that? Because he thinks he disgusts you. Because you told him he disgusts you.
"I didn't think you'd want to see me." He adds.
He wants me to tell him that I did want to see him. He needs me to say that. What do I say? That I've wanted to see him every second of every day since he left me? I'm scared to say that though because there are other things I need to say first.
"She is very persuasive..." Is what I say. My words cause another sad look to come over his face. "So how have you been?" I ask.
I want him to say he's been awful and sad and heartbroken and I consider how I'll respond if he does.
"Busy. Things have been a bit mental my end..." he says running a hand over his beard again and avoiding my eyes. I wonder what he's been busy with and whether it's legitimate or illegitimate. Then, as though he can read my mind, his expression changes. "I mean the club mainly. It's doing well, really well. Don't think I was prepared for that..." He shakes his head and rubs his hand over the back of his neck like he can't quite believe it.
"I'm so pleased it's all working out for you." I nod. I'm not sure if I'm selfish too because maybe I want his business to be a success because then it would mean he wouldn't need his other illegitimate businesses and then it would be okay to love him.
"I'm getting there." He says, his eyes intense.
It's only then that I think about the fact that my parents are only a few rooms away, and how if things had been different then I would be in there with them with Jake by my side as we smiled and chatted with my dad. It makes me feel sad again.
The sun sinks a little lower as we stand in silence watching it together. It feels like there is so much that needs to be said, yet neither of us wants to be the one to say it.
"How are you doing?" He asks. I can feel his eyes on me as I stare straight ahead and it warms and comforts me at the same time.
I nod as I turn to him. "Busy too. I'm partner now at work."
"Well, that sounds like something I should congratulate you for."
"I don't know so much. Sam took a leave of absence to go work for MSF so I was most likely the second choice." Sam shocked all of us when he announced he'd accepted an offer to go to Cambodia on a 6-month placement; he wanted a change of scenery apparently. Douglas said the new partnership slot was mine if I wanted it.
Truth be told I'd been envious of Sam. I was completely in awe of his decision to go do something he'd always dreamed of doing. It was a week after Jake and I ended and I told Sam how I wished I could go too. Something he said could have been easily arranged. Instead, I'd done what had been expected of me and accepted Douglas's offer.
"I'm pretty certain you've never been anyone's second choice for anything Alex," He says quietly.
There still looks to be warmth in his eyes, even though I'm not sure how much love can really be left after what I said to him that day. You disgust me. I can't love you. Words that are louder now that he was standing in front of me.
As he nibbles the inside of his lip hard I wonder what would happen if I closed the distance between us and kissed him right now. What would it mean for us? Where would we be after it?
I know where I'd want to be after it; upstairs in my room stripping his suit off and running my hands through his hair as I kissed every inch of his warm male skin. An involuntary shiver runs through me at the image of it and a light spread of goosebumps break out over my entire body.
Jake misreads my shiver as a chill.
"You're cold, here," He says, slipping out of his suit jacket. He moves towards me and places it gently on my shoulders.
I contemplate telling him that I'm not cold, but then I realise that actually I want his jacket on me because then when I have to give it back the scent of him will linger on my body. I've missed his smell. And as he pulls the jacket around me that very scent floods up into my nose. Clean and warm and faintly spicy; it makes me feel weak. Weaker.
"Thank you." I say and he gives me a small and intense smile as he unhooks my hair from the collar of his jacket. The feel of his fingers as they graze my neck makes my breath shorten, and with his arms up and his jacket off it gives me the chance to admire the way the white fitted shirt hugs his body and arms. He looks a little thinner maybe, or leaner, and up close he looks very tired. Though it could just be the light which is fading fast and creating shadows over everything. As his hands come to the lapel of his jacket they still, and he looks hard into my eyes. My breathing falters entirely and I have to stop myself licking my lips in preparation for him kissing me. I want him to kiss me.
How is it possible for him to still look so necessary and beautiful? These six weeks apart have done nothing to lessen my need for him at all, not the reminder of illegitimate income streams, dangerous illegal life choices, or police investigations. Those are nothing. My need for him has only grown. It's a heavy oppressive weight pressing down on my heart and my chest and it's smothering me.
As he stares down into my eyes I feel that weight lift a little; I feel everything melt away. The distance, the secrets, the reasons why I can't love him. None of them matter.
"Baby..." he says, in a low whispered tone.
His eyes move to my mouth and suddenly his warm soft fingers are on the needy skin of my neck again and guiding me closer. He leans in very slowly, moving his head towards mine and focuses hard on my mouth. I do the same, staring hard at the slightly wet bottom lip which peeks out through his facial hair.
I close my eyes, already imagining his mouth and how it will feel on mine as he pulls me into his warm hard body.. I need it. Nothing else matters right now. My stomach flips over with desire and the tops of my thighs begin to tingle as he moves closer and I feel the heat of his breath on my lips.
"There you are." I hear just before Jake's mouth touches mine.
Jake's head snaps to the right towards the unwelcome male voice.
Mark. Standing just at the doorway out onto the patio staring at us, his eyes darkening as he looks at Jake. "You've got to be fucking kidding me." he mutters.
My body reacts and I manoeuvre myself in front of Jake, as though somehow I can protect him from whatever is about to happen. Beside me, Jake tenses and pulls his shoulders back.
"Detective." Jake's tone is casual, mocking even, which doesn't appear to please Mark in the slightest.
"I thought I'd just imagined you earlier." he says as he moves towards us.
"Fantasise about me a lot do you?" Jake says. Mark's stare hardens but he chooses to ignore the mocking comment.
"Care to tell me what the hell you're doing here?" He asks instead.
"Your sister-in-law invited me." Jake says, moving a little closer to me. I feel his hand rest almost protectively on my hip and I have to try hard not to purr from the increased contact.
Mark nods. "Well maybe you should have politely declined." It doesn't sound like a suggestion, it sounds more like a warning and I feel Jake tense further. "Alex your parents are just about to leave. I think they're looking for you." He's talking to me but he's still looking hard at Jake. Trying to communicate something to me with the brief dart of his eyes to mine. Another warning maybe.
Jake is brave for coming here I think then. Knowing what he knows, knowing what Mark knows, knowing Mark would be here. But he came here anyway, for me. A wave of pride and gratitude shoots through me at the fact and I feel myself stand a little taller.
"I already said goodbye to my parents actually Mark, but thanks for letting me know." I turn my body slightly into Jake. I'm not leaving Jake with him, not a chance.
"Then I'm sure Robyn needs you inside." He says in a dismissive, bossy tone. It gets my back up and I'm about to argue when I feel Jakes hand on my arm, gripping softly, warning me maybe.
"Alex I should probably go anyway..." Jake says turning me around to face him. His eyes are sad and I feel a flutter of panic again at the idea of him leaving. I open my mouth to speak but I'm aware of Mark behind us and the words that I want to say to Jake I want to say when we're alone and so they disintegrate on my tongue.
"I just wanted..." Jake looks down, taking a deep breath. As he lifts his head I know he's also aware of Mark watching us and I know that he's also unwilling to say what he wants to because of it.
I feel fury at Mark's arrogance then, at his presumption that he can stand here and watch us in this moment. It makes my nails sharpen. "I'm glad that we got to talk." Jake says finally. "And I'm glad I saw you play..."
He looks like he's about to reach out and touch me again but he resists, again, because of Mark again I'm sure. I smile back at him but I feel so sad. I wonder what my eyes are saying and whether it's similar to what my mind is screaming. Please don't go. Please don't leave me again. I need you. I love you. I'm sorry. Please don't go.
My tongue burns with unspoken words and I want to disagree with what he just said, we didn't get to talk. Not at all. I haven't said half of the things I want and need to say to him. He holds my eyes a moment more and smiles again before he finally moves away from me.
My body begins to chill instantly as he leaves my side and my breathing speeds up with a kind of panic and desperation this time.
When he reaches Mark a strange, almost familiar, look passes between them; a look similar to the one Mark and I have. As though they too have a bond- which I suppose they do. I suppose all three of us are bonded together in some twisted unwanted way.
Jake looks so strong as he walks away from me. Powerful and decisive and for some reason that hurts a little more. When he reaches the door he looks back at me once. His look seems to say so much, yet at the same time not enough. Not nearly enough. I wonder again what my eyes saying.
Please don't go. I love you. I'm sorry.
My mouth dries up again and I try and smile but it doesn't happen because my mouth and my body are useless and broken.
Jake is stronger though. He manages a smile. The same beautiful but regretful smile he's had on his face since I set eyes on him fifteen minutes ago. Then he turns and disappears inside the noisy castle.
As soon as we're alone Mark turns to me. When I finally manage to look at him I have to try very hard not to snarl. He looks disappointed in me I think which makes me feel a little better.
"What did he mean? He's glad you got to talk? What did he say to you?" He narrows his eyes at me.
Is he serious? "Excuse me? That's absolutely none of your business. In fact, why are you even out here? What do you want Mark?"
"Alex I thought we talked about this? About him, and you?" He sounds like my dad now. Except not in a good way.
"Oh, was that when you came to my house to tell me he was a woman beater and a rapist?" I give him a hard stare.
He shifts, looking uncomfortable. "Ok, we may have got that wrong but who knows and really, it doesn't change a bloody thing. It doesn't change who he is or what he is. " He states.
"Actually it does. It changes everything. And I know exactly what he is Mark." I snap. "I've always known who and what he is."
He's the man I love.
"Mark, what the hell are you doing??" Robyn's voice comes from the entryway, high pitched and annoyed. As we both look around at her as she comes hurrying toward me, giving Mark a hot glare before turning on me. "Jake is leaving Alex. Why is he leaving?" she looks confused. "Did you ask him to leave?" Did you talk to him? Did you guys fix it?"
"Rob..." I shake my head and look down.
"What happened? I don't understand? Why are you letting him leave? You love him right? He loves you. He's right out there, and he's leaving." She points in the direction he went. As though I might have missed it. "You need to go now and stop him, that's what needs to happen. I saw it. You two need to fix this." Her voice is higher now.
"Robyn you have no idea what you're doing." Mark says.
Rob turns on him. "Um excuse me? What the hell does this have to do with you? This is my best friend and the man she loves we're talking about. This is her heart we're talking about. Last time I checked you had absolutely no input in any of that."
She's a little drunk and highly emotional and it's partly the champagne talking, but I have to commend her spirit. Mark squeezes the bridge of his nose looking irritated.
"Robyn listen to me, you have no clue what he-."
"Oh, whatever Sherlock." She snaps, cutting him off. When she turns to me again her eyes are serious. "Alex, listen. He's in love with you. Ridiculously in love with you. He said he'd leave if he felt you didn't want him here - he promised me that. But I saw it." She smiles. "I know you babe. So if you love him like he loves you then you need to go after him, you need to." She moves closer to me. "Do you remember what I said to you that day in the restaurant? All of it still stands. You'll regret this for the rest of your life if you don't do what's in here." She touches her hand to her heart.
"It's not as simple as that Rob. You don't know...." I manage. My argument sounds weak. My argument is weak.
"It IS as simple as that Al. That's all there is. It's all that matters babe. This is your life and your happiness we are talking about. Fuck everyone else and fuck everything else. None of it matters, everything else can be managed. It's just you and him. That's it. It's that Simple. Now do you love him? Do you want to lose him?" She asks eyes wide.
As I stare at her I try to think of my life as I want it to be. I try and forget about everything else; all of the things that I know about him and all of the things that I don't know about him. None of it seems to matter. I told him once that I couldn't love a man like him. So could I live without him then? Could I love someone else? That's the only other option. Let him go. Lose him.
Suddenly my mind clears and settles. Something drops. Like a penny only louder, like a tonne weight on a hard concrete floor. The noise of it rattles through my whole body. I do love him. I know who he is and what he is and I do love him. I never stopped loving him.
All I've felt since the day he left is loss and need and I know that I can't live the rest of my life like that. I can't lose him. It's not an option. Jake's words to me in the kitchen that day echo through my mind.
I love you. I need you. That's all that matters.
"I need to go after him..." I hear myself say. It's an almost whisper but I see Rob smile at me and then nod.
I'm moving fast before another thought flits through my head.
I hear Mark shout after me but I ignore him. As I run Jakes jacket slips off my shoulders and so I take it off and run through the castle, holding it in one hand and the length of my dress in the other.
Jake's scent floods up my nose as I hold his jacket tight to my chest and it calms some of the building panic coursing through me. People are staring at me, probably wondering where the fire is, but I keep running towards the main entrance almost at the opposite end of the long hall. I'm too late. He's gone and I'm too late. It can't be too late. This needs to happen tonight. Tomorrow the haze of vows and fate and beautiful sunsets will be gone and I might need to do what's expected of me.
When I reach the front entrance I take the short flight of stairs carefully down onto the front entrance and run across the bridge and out onto the pebbled circular esplanade in front of the castle.
"You okay there love?" the valet says turning to me. I'm looking past him for Jakes car but he arrived tonight meaning there's no way it would be parked this close to the castle. These are day guests cars surely??
I'm panting as I hold up Jakes jacket to the valet, as though he's a sniffer dog and the jacket will help locate him somehow. "A guy. He just came out here. He wasn't wearing a jacket?"
The valet nods. "White shirt? Beard? Yeah, he went that way. The overspill is over there love." He says, indicating through a break in the hedges in front of us to our left. I thank him and start running again, darting across the pebbles awkwardly.
When I get to the overspill there must be another 40 or 50 cars parked neatly in rows on the grass. Why the hell have so many people driven to a bloody wedding? What's wrong with them? Don't they like free champagne? I stop in the middle of a small clearing between the cars and turn on the spot trying to catch my breath. Silver Audi. Silver Audi...
I'm trying to look for his car but all I see in front of me are rows of black and white cars. Why on earth do so many people have black and white cars? How on earth do they find their car in a crowded carpark? I have a sky blue mini for exactly this reason. I'm too late. He's gone. Can I cry out here? I left it too late. He's gone. Again.
As I turn to go back a set of dazzling headlights from one of the parked cars flicks on almost blinding me. I spin round to the source and see they belong to a black car – no, a very dark grey car, which is sporty and low. When I bring my arm up to shield my eyes the headlights switch off immediately. Then as I lower my arm I see him. I'm not sure how I could have missed him before.
The amber outside lights from the castle are shining directly on the windscreen and he's staring straight at me. My panic recedes but it's replaced my something else, a different sort of edginess, one that's hot and needy. I can't make out his expression but I can see the shirt and tie and the dark shadow of the beard.
The car park is almost deathly silent and I'm alone with just the beating of my heart and my still laboured breaths for company. After what seems like hours, he opens the car door and steps out gracefully, his shoes crunching on the noisy gravel as he moves, turning to close the door behind him. As he stares at me he takes a deep breath but he doesn't move towards me.
The look in his eye is dark and hot but there's a warning there. It occurs to me that he looks afraid of me maybe, but that can't be right. Then instantly he looks dangerous again. The moonlight, with that look on his face like he wants to devour me sends warm chills coursing over my body. I'm not scared of his danger, I never have been. Because I know he'd never hurt me. He's always looked at me like he wants to devour me and I've always wanted him to devour me.
When he doesn't speak I decide to break the silence.
"You forgot your jacket." I say, still breathless.
"I know." He says. He runs his hand over his mouth and tugs at his beard as he stares me down. "What are you doing Alex?"
I take a deep breath. "I don't know. But I know that I don't want you to go." My voice is firm but not entirely stable.
He doesn't answer right away, instead he lets his gaze drink me in hungrily for a few long minutes. "Why not?"
What the hell am I supposed to say to that?
"You know why." Is what I say.
I remember the night in my living room when he said those words to me. They sounded decisive and strong. Like he knew exactly what he was doing. I, on the other hand do not. I'm completely bluffing.
"Be careful baby." He takes a few steps toward me. Oh, so he knows I'm bluffing. Great.
"It's a bit late for that now Jake don't you think?"
He shakes his head. "No, not yet. But if you say or do what I think you're about to then yes, it will be. I promise you that." He says in a cool commanding tone. Why does he always presume to be the one in control? Why for once can't I dictate play? I walk towards him, the uneven surface beneath my feet making gracefulness a tough ask. Once I get close enough to smell him and feel his heat I stop and look up into his eyes.
"You were always promising me something weren't you?" I say quietly. "Promises are words with intent behind them. What are your intentions now? Now that I know everything, now that there's nothing left to hide from me? What will you promise me now?"
When he says nothing and just stares down at me intensely while nibbling away on his bottom lip, I decide to change tact.
"You came here for a reason clearly. You wanted something out of it? What was it?"
The side of his mouth lifts up but his eyes are still very serious. "You know exactly what I wanted out of it. Don't play games with me Alex, not now yeah."
"Games?" I have to resist the urge to laugh. "I've always been awful at our 'games' Jake and you know it. Tell me what you wanted?"
He says nothing. His eyes are warm and full of heat and as always the way he looks at me makes me feel bold and confident.
"Okay, then let me guess. You thought you'd come here and I'd just fall back into your arms and you'd fuck me and I'd forget everything else?"
I don't know why I'm making that sound so ridiculous because it's exactly what I want. I want to fall into his arms and forget about everything while he makes love to me.
He flinches, looking like I've hurt him, but then his face changes and a slow sexy smile spreads across it. My stomach and thighs clench and a warm heat ripples out from the space between my legs. Oh god I've missed that smile.
"Not exactly, but I guess that's what's on your mind huh?" He says as he steps a little closer. "Ok baby, where? Against the car? Inside the car? Over there in those trees?" He glances to his right, to the thick forest of green which is in almost total darkness and looks back at me temptingly as he licks his lips.
The ripple moves slow and thick through my body. He's baiting me. He suspects how weak I still am for him and he's trying to play off it. He doesn't know for sure that I'm still mercifully under his spell but he's willing to risk it being true.
It's brave considering our situation.
Or maybe he's calling my bluff because he thinks that I'm a coward and that I'll never allow any of that to happen.
"No. I'm not in the exhibitionist kind of mood. Plus my parents are probably still here." I smile sweetly. He relaxes back into his feet looking slightly disappointed but vindicated.
"I was thinking upstairs in my room? It's on the third floor, the Renaissance suite. It's in the east wing. Follow me up?" I suggest. I step forward and delicately place his jacket on the bonnet of his car before meeting his eye again. "If you don't have any drug deals you need to go execute that is." I say as I turn on my heel to walk away from him.
A risky naïve play and badly thought out but I don't care. I love him and I want him and I won't be without him another minute. Holding my dress and my head up I walk as gracefully as possible across the gravel back towards the entrance of the castle.
I try not to panic when the sound of him following me across it doesn't come.