"Ready?" I ask.
She isn't teary and doesn't look nervous; she's a sea of perfectly poised calm. I'm in awe of her. I feel nervous and teary and she's standing there assured and confident in the knowledge that she's marrying the man she loves and that nothing is going to change that.
Today I get to live vicariously through two people truly happy and in love. Today I need to push the dull ache of my loss aside. He's not here. He should be, I want him to be, but he's not.
Rob looks breathtakingly gorgeous, she always does, but there's something about how she looks today which gives her a kind of aura, as though a warm glowing light is emanating from her every pore.
Happiness and love does that to a person I guess.
Her hair is pinned up loosely with flowers woven into it at random intervals, and some strands free about her face. Her make-up is light and fresh and her blue eyes bright and sparkling with unchecked emotion. Dan is going to pass out when he sees her.
"Yep, ready. Bring it on." She smiles before taking a deep breath. "Are you ready?" she asks me, casting her eye over my face and down. "You look amazing babe. So Stunning. I'm so glad you're here." She steps forward and pulls me into a tight hug.
"Um where else would I be?" I ask as I pull back to admire her again. I skim my hand over the pearl drop necklace I loaned her and turn the pearl outwards. It's looks pretty against the soft warm glow of her skin, and it compliments the new pearl earrings Dan bought for her to wear today.
"Nowhere. You were always going to be here. Right here." She smiles. I feel the tears well up behind my eyes as I smile back at her - happy ones for a change though thank god.
"Damn right I was. Now let's go get you married." I move round behind her and kneel down, fluffing out the train at the back of her dress. The train is quite short but the lace and button detail looks amazing as I spread it out behind her.
When I stand up, I move to hand her her bouquet, before taking a last look in the mirror at myself. My bridesmaid dress is gorgeous too; she let me choose it myself because she said she'd approve of whatever I chose. Rob had decided to have one bridesmaid only; me. Something Leigh had initially been upset about but had eventually understood, I think. She was now downstairs with her boss - who I really needed to stop calling her boss and call by his actual name, Simon.
I smooth my hands down and over the skirt of my dress as I inspect myself. The deep green layered chiffon pools at my feet, gathers in at the waist and knots at the top over one shoulder, leaving the other and most of my back bare. My hair is loose about my shoulders but pinned on one side with a clip and a white orchid and tumbles about my shoulders in soft waves.
I look good I suppose; France has given me a warm glow, not a tan because I never tan, but a healthy complexion and to the casual observer I look well and not heartbroken.
I pinch my cheeks and dab on some lip gloss before grabbing my bouquet and turning back to her. She's still smiling, strangely now though, like she's hiding something or like she knows something I don't. Maybe she can see the future or something and I'm happy in it. I really hope it's that.
"Okay, let's do this! Dan babe, I really wish your surname sounded better with Robyn but I love you." She says to the ceiling.
Rob and Dan's wedding party has taken over the whole of Illeam castle; a gorgeous seventeenth century monolith in the middle of the Sussex countryside. When I drove up to it last night it was the first time I'd seen it and it looked impressive even in the dark. I only got the full impact of it though when I'd gone for a walk around the grounds to clear my head this morning. The castle is large and sprawling and is surrounded by an actual moat and hundreds of acres of perfectly kept green. Apparently it used to belong to a Duke but now it just held weddings and events for those wanting to make a statement.
There are about a hundred guests attending the ceremony today, and another hundred or so arriving later when we move through to the ballroom for the night reception.
There's an overspill marquee outside too which will have a roasting hog, Dj and a bar for when the night guests start to tire and need re-fuelling. I'll play the piano piece I've chosen for them before that, at the champagne reception just before the party starts.
I feel sick with nerves about the whole thing - but to be honest I've felt sick for days with the stirrings of something sickly and unwelcome. Ive felt sick for weeks actually but I'd been learning to live with that, it had sort of become my new normal. I've chosen the piece well though and practiced it so much that I know that unless I screw it up, it will suit the moment perfectly.
Rob hadn't once asked what it was or for me to play it for her; she'd said only that she trusted me to pick something perfect and that she would wait until today to hear it. That way she could enjoy the surprise along with everyone else.
The wedding co-ordinator, Liam, is waiting just outside the door to the large bridal suite, and he takes a long appraising look at Rob as she walks out into the landing. He's gay but I think even a gay man may be tempted by the way Rob looks today. The photographer and videographer, who left the suite a few minutes before also turn in our direction as we come out.
"Robyn you look stunning darling. Alex, beautiful too, perfect. Everyone's ready for you Robyn sweetheart. You all set?" His tone is calm and professional, like he's done this a million times before, and it makes me feel a little more at ease.
The photographer moves behind me and I hear him begin clicking away, as Josh with the video camera says he's going to wait downstairs at the door to the drawing room and film her coming down.
Rob nods at him and turns to Liam. "Yep, good to go, let's go get me a husband. Where's my dad?"
"He's waiting downstairs for you. I think he's more nervous than you." Liam smiles.
"Yeah, he'll be necking the hip flask already no doubt." She giggles, grabbing my arm to link it through hers.
The inside of the castle is a mixture of gorgeous, old medieval style with sandstone walls and old antiques but with some contemporary touches thrown in here and there. It's a really beautiful setting if ridiculously over-priced; I don't even want to imagine how much Dan, Rob and their families have spent on today.
Rob's an only child and her parent's divorced when she was fifteen after her mother ran off with a friend of her father's. They'd both remarried now, and she isn't so close with her mother, but I know Paul and his new wife Nora had been saving for this day for years. Dan and Rob are paying for a lot of today themselves too but the castle venue was a gift from the parents she'd said.
I'd never want to get married somewhere like this, but a castle has been Rob's fairytale as long as I had known her and the fact that Dan had eagerly agreed to every aspect of today just confirmed to me how perfect he was for her.
Paul is waiting just outside the door and when he turns round and spots her I'm certain he's about to burst into tears.
"Sweetheart.... You look... Christ." He stares at her speechless for a moment before leaning in to hug her. I like Paul, Trusting and gentle, I always remember how heartbroken and changed he seemed immediately after Jane left him. He's a tall grey-haired man who always seems to be doing something for someone or offering to.
As Rob hugs her dad tight I see the first signs of tears from her, and when he squeezes his eyes shut tight and whispers something into her ear I feel myself well up.
It's a beautiful moment and I look around for the photographer but he's already inside. Thankfully the videographer has noticed and moves silently around Rob and her Dad before finally lowering the camera and slipping quietly inside the room beyond the double doors. Liam gestures for us to wait "two minutes" and then he sneaks inside the room too.
While we wait for the signal, Rob practically bounces up and down with excitement between her father and me, and I beam at her before kneeling down to fluff out her dress again. When Liam returns, the doors are pulled open wide and I stand and move in front of Rob and her dad.
From here I get my first look at the packed 'drawing' room. Good god. Yes, I decide then that if I ever do get married – which is highly unlikely because he's still gone – not only will it not be in a castle, it will be a small private ceremony with a handful of close friends and family. I can't handle the thought of this many people staring at me and scrutinising my dress and my every outward emotion.
Liam checks that Rob and her dad are ready, before giving me a final reassuring smile and gesturing for me to take my spot. As I move in front of Rob he turns and signals to someone on the inside of the room and I hear the sounds of people standing up.
The nausea bubbles and coils in my tummy and I feel ridiculous because of it. I'm not getting married, I don't have to speak or do anything except walk to the other end of the room in time with the music but I feel sick anyway. It settles me a little to know mum and dad are in there somewhere though.
As the soft string sound of Pachelbel starts, I glance back at Rob who gives me a bright excited smile before I turn and step into the room.
A soft grey carpet runs up the aisle which is scattered with white rose petals that suddenly remind me of Jake and cause a whisper of something cold and sad to brush over me. When I'm about halfway down I spot dad smiling at me like he might do if it were my own wedding day, and I give him a bright smile before focusing back to the front to where Dan is waiting with Mark just to his left.
Sherlock's eyes widen a little as I approach and he smiles at me, the look of conspirator about him. Ever since the day in my kitchen he's had that same look, like we have some secret bond that ties us. A bond I'd slice in a heartbeat because it would mean Jake would still be here, and his secrets would still be his own, and that I could still love him.
I look at Dan instead and give him a warm smile, which he returns. He looks extremely handsome in a grey morning suit with flashes of green from his lapel and waistcoat, and his hair styled neatly back from his face making him look boyish. He looks nervous, certainly more nervous than Rob and he fiddles absently with his hands, sliding them into his pocket and back out again before fiddling with his jacket.
I know the moment he spots Rob because his mouth practically drops open and his eyes cloud over like he's about to burst into tears - which would be the sweetest thing ever if he did.
I take my place to the left of the registrar and turn to watch as Rob approaches the rest of the way. She's staring at Dan with such love and such unbridled emotion that it breaks my heart a little more. Not because I don't want that for her, of course I do, but because it reminds me of what I don't have and what I want so desperately. I want that. With him. With the man I can't love. With the man I'll always love.
I always knew today would be the great reminder of the love I didn't have. The one I'd lost. I'd had lots of thoughts since the night with Laurent; since my almost mistake. Mainly they were about what it meant that I seemed unable to be with another man and about how I was going to go try and fix this. Whether I even could fix this.
Jake was still the same man he'd always been and so I suppose I'd been hoping that I had somehow changed because at least one of us had to. For things to be different then one of us had to be different. That's as much progress as I had made. Progress which would have to be put on hold today.
It's selfish of me to dwell on it today because I need to focus on my best friend as she marries the love of her life. I need to focus on the piece too, and hope the nerves will take the place of loss threatening to drown me. Rob makes the final few steps towards Dan and reaches out to take his hand as they both smile at each other with faces full of unburdened love.
The service isn't long. Mark does a short reading and Rob and Dan exchange vows which they wrote themselves, and which make most of the room cry - including me. Mum stares at me frequently throughout, a sad wistful smile on her face which is either because I'm not married to Ben, or because she doesn't like how I've done my hair - I can't entirely tell which.
After the ceremony, Rob, Dan, Mark and I go into the adjoining parlour to sign the marriage certificate, while the other guests are moved out of the drawing room and into the ballroom for champagne and canapés.
Rob and I joke, whilst Dan and Mark laugh about something separately before we're all asked to pose for a group photo and then in pairs, which I'd been dreading.
Mark and I are standing together for a moment before we're asked to look 'flirty' by the photographer. My body tenses and I have to stifle the urge to snap at him that I'll do no such thing. In fact I feel like telling the photographer to fuck off because heartbroken people can't do "flirty" with people instrumental in their heartbreak.
Instead I say nothing and allow Mark to slide his arm around me and press his body into me and I somehow manage to muster a fake smile for the camera. More photographs are taken in the main Foyer of the Castle and then outside in the rich manicured grounds, including a massive group shot on the back patio with Rob & Dan as the centrepiece.
The meal and the speeches pass by in an almost blur of nerves and dread and I barely eat a thing as I over analyse everything that could possibly go wrong during the four and half minute arrangement. I'm worrying over nothing, its under five minutes of my life and really I have far greater things to worry about and dwell on.
It's Bach, which I know well, and I've practiced this piece over and over again for weeks. When I arrived last night I spent an hour rehearsing in the room by myself and I was surprised to find my weeks away from the piano in France had done very little to my memory of it. It'll be over before I know it.
During dinner I afford myself two half glasses of champagne but no more for fear of having to play drunk. Though since I haven't eaten much today and because of nerves and nausea I feel tipsy half way through the second glass anyway.
Rob seems to be checking up on me; she steals frequent looks in my direction and gives me warm smiles of reassurance and gratitude every time she does. She's the happiest I've ever seen her though, Dan too, and they float effortlessly between the groups of friends and family who turn up throughout the day, kissing and smiling for photos like they've waited their whole lives for this day.
Just before 7pm I nip upstairs to my room to freshen up and gather myself together. 4 minutes 30. Its nothing. It's fine. It will be fine. In front of the bathroom mirror squeeze my eyes shut and think about him while I take a few deep calming breaths. Christ I wish he were here. Not only for his support and his strength, but because of that way he used to look at me that made me feel strong and powerful like him, like I too was a force of nature.
The pain is solid and hard inside me now; it feels like it's fusing my bones and my blood together as it becomes a living part of me. It gives meaning to the whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger mantra. My heart though, still has the massive gaping whole where he used to be.
When I arrive back downstairs, I seek out mum and dad and I don't need to say anything to dad about how I'm feeling because he takes one look at me, tilts his head to the side and gives me a comforting smile.
"You'll be marvellous, don't worry." He says.
"Yes you'll be perfect. You really don't show off enough." Mum says, before reaching up to fiddle with the flower in my hair.
"She doesn't like showing off, that's why." Dad points out. "But you will be perfect, your mother's right. Don't worry."
Liam gets up on stage then and hushes everyone, and I almost groan aloud with dread. Before he gets a chance to say anything else though Rob appears on stage and smiles at him apologetically before taking the microphone from him and dismissing him with a wave of her hand.
She begins searching the crowd and I see her nod and then she keeps scanning until she finds me. When she does she puts her hand over her heart and gives me a tearful looking smile, which makes me feel tearful too.
"Hi Guys, Sorry, hi." She says and the crowd cheer her for a moment before she hushes them with her finger to her lips. "So, I just wanted to be the one to do this. Of course she'll kill me for making even more of a spectacle but I'll deal with that later." She's staring at me now and she definitely looks like she's about to cry. She's right though, I will kill her because I really don't want to cry before I have to get up there. "Al babe, I haven't told you this for a while but I know you know - but you're more than just my best friend, and the most beautiful bridesmaid a bride has ever had..." She smiles before a serious expression comes over her face. "You're also my sister." Awwwws from the crowd bubble up. "I honestly couldn't have wished for a biological sister as wonderful or as supportive as you are. As you've always been. I've known you 25 years and I can't imagine my life without you in it. I don't want to." She shakes her head and I feel the tears rush up behind my eyes. "Anyway, Dan and I," she looks over to where Dan is and smiles at him. "I mean my husband and I," she giggles and Dan nods proudly at his friends. "Want to thank you from the bottom of our hearts for doing this for us. For making our perfect day even more special - we're truly so grateful to you. Thank you darling, I love you. And I have a beautiful gift to give you to pay you back but I'll give you it later because it won't make much sense right now." She smiles adorably and blows me a kiss. I sense everyone looking at me but I'm just looking at Rob. "Anyway, I'll stop talking now. Everyone, please enjoy the talents of my gorgeous bridesmaid, best friend Alex." She finishes.
With a nervous shudder, I move towards the stage. Outwardly I try and project the look of calm and serene, but then it occurs to me that Rob said she'd never seen me like that before, only in his presence.
I take the steps up onto the small stage and try hard not to turn my head to look out onto the number of expectant faces watching me. I say stage, its really just a custom made dais about two feet off the floor, with a gorgeous baby grand situated in the centre that they had moved in from another room. It sounded great last night when I played it, and this morning, but the room was empty then and the sounds echoed gorgeously of the gilded mirrors and polished floors.
As I take the few steps up, praying that I don't trip over my dress, Rob comes to meet me, hugs me tight and whispers that she loves me before vacating the stage. I take a deep breath and take a quick glance around the room. So many faces, most of them smiling at me in encouragement, though some are just curious and bemused. My eyes find my parents and then Rob who's standing next to Dan now and sipping delicately on her champagne. The room seems to stretch forever but it feels empty too because he isn't in it.
When I take a seat at the piano, the whole room falls completely silent, and then an instant later my mind does too. It's strange actually because thats never happened before when I've come to play. My mind is always working overtime, thinking and analysing. This time it stills, and quiets and there's only one thing in it, which I let overtake it completely. Him. I don't feel sad or guilty or heartbroken. I just feel him.
I nod once and close my eyes, resting my fingers on the keys and then I take a deep breath and begin to play.
The piano sounds perfect. Soft tinkling notes that echo beautifully around the room and out through the large open French doors, and I allow myself to let go entirely, enjoy it even, as though I'm not the one playing it.
Even though he isn't here, it feels like he is. I feel him under my skin and in my blood and it feels like I still have him. Perhaps I do. Maybe I always will. The great love that burrows its way into your heart and never leaves.
I see his face and his smile and I hear the way his voice sounded as it brushed against my skin and how it always used to kindle my need for him. I miss his voice, and his arms and his touch. Yet, right now it feels like he's right here and close to me and with my eyes closed I manage to lose myself completely in the music and the fantasy that he's still mine.
The two rotations of the prelude move through me in a blur and before I realise it, its over. My fingers slow and my hands come to a stop and I lean up and open my eyes.
Only when I remove my fingers from the keys does the applause start. Quiet at first before it grows to include wolf whistles and loud cheers, and when I stand up the whole room is smiling and clapping for me.
When I stand up from the piano, I smile and do a small curtsey thing and look over at my parents who are beaming proudly at me. Mum is crying I think too. As I make my way down the stairs the band starts up again and Rob appears in front of me, pulling Dan behind her.
"Oh my god! That was perfect!" she shrieks. "I bloody knew you'd pick something perfect!" She moves in and pulls me into a tight hug.
"You liked it? Ugh I'm so glad Rob. It sounded ok?" I ask, glancing around for a waiter with champagne. "It was all over so quickly, total blur."
Rob looks at Dan. "Babe, tell her how amazing it was."
"Yeah it sounded brilliant Alex, seriously. Spot on. Thank you." He nods looking impressed.
"You're welcome. I'm glad its over though, Im not going to lie." I laugh. I really am glad. All I want to do now is drink too much champagne and relax.
"Aw I know you were nervous about it babe but honestly it was so perfect. Thank you. Now come on I want to show you off. The girls are dying to say hello too." She says and pulls me with her, looking a few times around the room as she does.
Taking a glass of champagne from a passing waiter, I give mum and dad a wave and follow Rob into the middle of the room. I feel eyes on me as I go, lots of eyes, and something similar to the way I used to feel whenever he was looking at me. Hot and exposed and very looked at.
I pull my head up and smile back as Rob's guests congratulate me as we weave our way through the crowd. Some stop me to tell me it was 'classy' and 'wonderful' and such a beautiful thing to do.
Rob's friends from Uni are gathered near the window giggling when we reach them. I met some of them at the hen weekend for the first time, and some I've known for a while through Rob; they're all lovely genuine girls. Becca is the first to congratulate me on what she calls the 'best thing ever.' She's a gorgeous petite brunette with an infectious laugh and a saucy wit who often makes me cry with laughter whenever I'm in her company.
"God, hardly, but I'm glad I didn't make a complete fool of myself. So nerve wracking Becca honestly." I say as I lift the champagne to my mouth. "Not messing up was all I was after really."
"Well you didn't, and I hope if you were picturing us all naked then I had better underwear on than I have now.. Unfortunately this dress needs spanx." She rolls her eyes, and I almost spit out my champagne as I giggle.
"It was really fabulous Alex," says Tamsin, she's exotic looking and from Bath and has the largest eyes I've ever seen. "The Prelude and Fuge have always been one of my favourites. I think you made the right choice dropping the fuge though, it changes the whole feeling of the piece entirely I think. How long have you been playing?" She asks.
"Since I was seven. And yes, the Fuge absolutely had to go. Though Bach will be turning in his grave I'm sure." I giggle and Tamsin laughs too. "So, are you all enjoying the day?" I ask as I finish the glass I'm holding and quickly lift another from a passing tray.
I'm not sure how many more I should have though, the relief, lack of food and the alcohol I've consumed already is making me feel close to tipsy.
"Its gorgeous it's been so romantic! It's a fairytale." Lucy squeals. "Rob looks bloody stunning doesn't she? The dress is sooooo beautiful." She drawls in the exaggerated way she had of announcing things.
"I know isn't it? You make a beautiful bride babe." I say, turning to Rob. She's distracted though, looking behind us through the crowd for someone or something. Probably Liam. She's probably spotted someone with an empty champagne glass that needs refilled. She whispers to me that she'll be back in a minute and starts weaving her way back through the crowd behind me the way we came.
I haven't seen Leigh since dinner either and I glance around for her but can't see her in the tables dotted around us. Maybe she's a little more annoyed than she thought she'd be now that today was finally here. I don't quite understand Rob's decision about having one bridesmaid; this was the most extravagant wedding I'd ever been to and one more bridesmaid wouldn't have made too much of a difference. I'd remained diplomatic on the subject however and I'd remain exactly that.
"By the way, there are some hot guys here aren't they?" Becca says with a flap of her hand in front of her face. "Rob and Dan have some gorgeous looking friends and family. We don't have this level of hotness in Middle Earth. It's like another blooming planet up there. God I miss London. Oh and Dan's brother is alright. Mark is it?" She asks and I nod.
"Is he single?"
"Yes, the last I heard he was. You should definitely go talk to him. Have you been introduced?" I glance around for him.
I'm being self serving here because I really wish someone would distract him from me and the way he's been hovering and looking at me today. I haven't been able to look at him properly or be alone with him since that day six weeks ago in my kitchen. He doesn't seem to be having the same problem though because every time I catch his eye it seems he's already looking at me.
"No we havent but you have to introduce us later." She says raising an eyebrow. "Oh but you know, there's another guy I really want introduced to, he was over there by the door," She looks behind me in the direction Rob went. "He pushed past us to get closer when you were playing - though he looked totally absorbed in your playing so I think maybe I'm out of luck." she gives me wink.
When I turn around in the direction she's looking I see one of Dan's cousins. I can't remember his name, Adam or Andrew I think. He's good looking if a little young; mid twenties I think and too skinny for my tastes.
"The guy in the tweed suit? That's Dan's cousin. I can't remember his name, god I'm terrible. I'll find out though." I say to Becca as I sip the cold fizzy goodness.
"Oh no he was behind him, dark blue suit." She tilts her head straining to get a better look. "Kinda serious looking, moody. I love that. Crap I think he's gone now." She sighs.
It makes me smile because a moody serious man does not seem Becca's type in the slightest. Opposites do attract I though I suppose. I know that more than most.
"Luce you spotted him first didn't you? Hot guy with the beard?" Becca says turning to Lucy.
"God yes. As soon as he came in." She nods enthusiastically. "Hot. I think I saw Rob go after him so he must be one of hers. And I'm pretty sure he came alone." She raises an eyebrow at Becca and I.
There's something about how they're behaving, that single girl in search of a man, which makes me feel slightly envious. There's a part of me that wishes I could seek someone out in the carefree unburdened way they were doing. But I couldn't. I'd proved with Laurent that I was incapable of it. I was done trying to supplant the memory of Jake with someone else. Where did that leave me though? The champagne is beginning to make me feel brave and part of me wants to call him and find out where he is and what he's thinking. Another part of me thinks taking a taxi back to the city and turning up at his apartment and asking him to take me to bed is also a fabulous idea. My body tingles and heats and my thighs thrum at the very thought of it, of being with him again.
Perhaps we could just do the sex part? I'd thought about that too over the last few days since my frisson with Laurent. If I couldn't love him then maybe we could be just be lovers? Sex. Fuck buddies or whatever people called it. Maybe if that's all we were then I wouldn't need to think too hard about everything else that he was?
I don't want to be just that to him though, that much I knew. And he could never be just that to me. We could never just be that. It was pure fantasy, and even though I'm sure Jake would be in every fantasy I ever had for the rest of my life, that one wasn't manageable. Even if he was always far more manageable in my fantasies.
Rob doesn't reappear and the girls and I chat for a bit longer, man spotting and reliving some of the hen night memories before I excuse myself to go find my parents. They don't normally hang around these kinds of occasions too long, and I don't want to miss them leave.
As I move through the room I still have that same feeling like I'm being looked at; it makes my eyes skirt left and right to try and find the source.
As I spot my parents across the other side of the dance floor and begin to move toward them, depositing my empty champagne glass on an empty table as I go, I know immediately why I felt like I was being looked at. The source, dressed in a smart grey morning suit, tall and darkly handsome steps out in front of me. He puts his hands out to stop me moving past him.
"Hey you... not so fast." Mark says with a smile. It's the smile again. The 'I'm really sorry the man you loved turned out to be a criminal' smile.
With a deep breath I lift my head to look into his eyes. "Mark, Hi..." I say, looking past him to my parents. "Having a nice day?" My voice is robotic and hollow but he doesn't seem to notice.
"Yeah I am. It's been brilliant hasn't it?"
I nod and meet his eyes. He looks handsome, clean shaven and well groomed and his eyes are deep-set and dark but he does nothing for me whatsoever. There's something warm in his eyes too, something else I don't like.
"Lovely yes. A really beautiful day." I mumble.
His gaze intensifies and he nods, sweeping his stare over my face and down. "You look really beautiful too Alex. You've given Rob a run for her money today. And the piano... just wow." He smiles.
I don't know what to say to all of that so I just smile awkwardly at him and look over at my parents again, shifting uncomfortably on my feet. Being alone with him like this only reminds me of things I don't want to be reminded of. It makes me think of the bond we have, the one he seems intent on reminding me of. In a way though he's the only person who really understands. Because he knows what no one else knows; things I haven't been able to tell anyone.
"Dance with me?" He says, the side of his mouth twitching causing a dimple to appear on his cheek. The music is slow and soulful, Al Green I think, and because I don't want to be impolite and because people are looking at us and because of our bond I feel myself step into him.
He slides an arm around my waist and takes hold of my hand and we begin swaying in time to the music. He steps in closer and presses his face to my hair, close to my ear.
"So... how are you doing? We haven't really spoken since..."
"I'm fine." I cut him off, hoping he gets the message that I don't particularly want to talk about 'since'.
"So I'm guessing you blame me completely for what happened." He sighs. "I was just doing what I thought was the right thing Alex. Like I said that day, I care about you. I hope you at least know that much." He says.
He's clearly not getting the message. I pull back to frown at him.
"And what do you think now Mark? Do you still think you did the right thing?" I stare up into his eyes.
We're still half dancing, swaying side to side, but now I'm frowning at up at him and I can't imagine what that looks like to the casual observer.
"Yes," he nods, looking certain. "I do. I don't think you belong with a guy like him."
I laugh a little and Marks eyes cloud with confusion.
"What's funny?"
"Oh nothing. Just that you and Jake have that in common; he never thought he belonged with me either."
Mark's eyes flicker with something and his mouth tightens. "Well he's smarter than I thought then." He says grudgingly.
It occurs to me then that Mark is also the only person who could tell me anything about Jake, if he's ok, whether he's been arrested, whether he's alive. I want to ask him what he knows but at the same time I don't want to talk about Jake with him. I also don't want to talk about Jake with Mark because I'm afraid of what he might tell me.
Mark pulls me back into his body gently and we sway back and forward to the slow song about 'getting it on' silent now in our shared knowledge of the man I couldn't love.
Across the way I see Becca, Lucy and Tamsin smiling and looking at Mark and me in a way that makes me feel uncomfortable. We look like a couple I guess and I don't want to look like that with Mark. I don't want to look like anything with Mark. In fact if I could give back the shared knowledge and the bond we have then I would do that too because it would mean Jake would be here and I could still love him. When the song stops I immediately step out of Marks embrace and brush a hand through my hair, avoiding his eyes.
"I need to go find my parents before they leave." I tell him. I go to move but stop and look back up at him. "And to answer your question, no I don't blame you for what happened. I blame myself actually, for everything." I blame myself for needing him like this and wanting him like this despite everything, and I blame myself for being so clearly unable and unwilling to move on from him.
I also blame myself for not being stronger that day and for doing what I thought was the right thing instead of what I wanted and needed to do. Which was just to love him. So really, when broken down, I was no different from Mark. He was doing what he thought was for the best - like I'd convinced myself I'd done too.
He stares after me as I make my way across the dancefloor to where my parents are. The look on mums face as I approach tells me she also thinks Mark and I just looked like a couple.
"That's Dan's brother?" she asks looking over my shoulder at him as I approach. "The one who got divorced? The policeman?"
"Yes. I'm guessing you guys are going soon?" I ask instead. Mum doesn't answer, she's distracted by Mark and I glance behind me to see Becca and the girls chatting to him now. He turns his head in my direction and smiles at me, its knowing and conspirational of course - because we have a bond.
"I think he likes you sweetheart. He's handsome too." Mum tells me. "You looked nice together, dancing. And you played so beautifully well earlier. We were so proud of you."
Of course I ignore the comment about Mark. "Well, at least now you know all that money on lessons wasn't totally wasted?" I say, smiling at Dad.
"Oh we knew they weren't. You looked totally in control; I couldn't see a trace of nerves Alex. Well done." Dad says, putting his arm around me to pull me into him. "And yes, we were thinking of leaving shortly. It's about an hour and a half drive home and you know your mother hates driving in the dark, so it will be another hour on top of that at her night pace." He gives me a smile and mum rolls her eyes.
Just then Rob appears from behind me, and clamps her hands on my shoulders. "Babe, so sorry," She gives mum and dad an apologetic smile. "Can I borrow you for a bit? Bride necessity."
"A bridesmaid's work is never done huh?" I sigh, turning back to my parents. "Okay well if I don't see you before you go, drive safe and I'll call you on Monday?"
I give them both a hug and kiss and then Rob grabs my hand and starts pulling me behind her out of the ballroom at pace.
"Umm everything ok?" I ask as she leads me down a corridor towards the back of the castle. I'm sure there's a ladies nearer the ballroom, just next to the drawing room. I assume bride necessity means helping her to the loo in her wedding dress which she had only asked to me to help her with once today.
"Yes, it will be." She mutters, focussing straight ahead.
"Rob you're freaking me out. Are you ok?" I lift my dress and quicken my pace so that I'm side by side with her. She turns her head and gives me small smile and nods at me.
"Yeah, I'm fine. Dan's fine, everyone is fine. Just trust me...." She looks away from my eyes again and tugs me harder along the carpeted hallway past numerous paintings, marble statues and antique looking weaponry.
At the end of the long carpeted hallway we come to tall set of French windows which open onto the raised stone patio we took some photos on earlier. The doors look out onto the gorgeous manicured gardens to the rear of the castle and the sun is just about setting giving us a breathtaking view of the warm early evening sky.
The horizon is a summery mix of purple and orange as the sun sinks down into the ground, and I know then why she's brought me out here. More photos. Rob's obsessed with taking pictures to capture the moment most days and today she'd been more obsessed than usual about not missing a thing - not that I could blame her.
"Wow... what a sunset." I marvel open-mouthed at the horizon ahead. "You seriously had the perfect day Rob," I turn and smile at her. "The weather, the dress, the castle, the man, the talented bridesmaid who plays Bach."
"It was the perfect day and you played such a massive part of that Al, you really did, you know that right? I knew how you'd be feeling today babe, I knew it would be hard for you and I just had to do something, I hate seeing you like this. I didn't want you to be sad today." She shakes her head and gives me that same odd look she's been giving me all day.
I move towards her I place my hand on her arm and squeeze softly. She looks sad for me and I don't want her to feel sad today - we can mourn my heartbreak another day.
"You will do something for me babe. When I get married...," Which I guess will be never because he's gone. "...You'll be there and you'll pay me back." I smile.
She nods. "Yes.. I will. I'll pay you back, but I wont play Bach." She laughs. "I'd give a go though, for you'd I'd give it a go." She reaches down to take hold of my hand and squeezes it tightly. "But anyway, for any of that to happen I had to do this first. I had to at least try and help. I want you smiling again."
I'm confused. "Help with what? Smiling for what? photographs?" I cast a look behind her into the castle expecting to see the others appear any minute. "Okay well, lets get it over with so I can have a belated cry and smudge my make-up."
Her mouth softens and she shakes her head. "I never brought you out here for a photo babe, but great idea, we'll do that after." She looks over my shoulder at the sunset and smiles, nodding her head softly. "This is way more important though. You belong together."
Something small and fluttery starts in my belly as the confusion grows. I widen my eyes at her. "Rob what are you talking about?" I ask. She brings her eyes back to me but they aren't fully on me. They're focused on the sunset over my shoulder.
Why is my heart beating so fast?
When I turn around in the direction of Rob's gaze my legs almost buckle beneath me and the breath whips out of my lungs.
Oh my god. It can't be. He can't be...
Jake.