NOTE: there is a mild trigger warning for self harm in this chapter. It will be mentioned, but only my personal experience with it. Continue at your own risk.
I first started reading fanfictions about Dan Howell in January of 2013. I'm not going to lie, it was a horrible, horrible time for fanfics, especially those with scenes depicting self harm, which was generally most of them.
Around only two months later, at the age of twelve, I self harmed for the first time.
Thinking about it now, having gotten over the addiction I formed and being clean for approximately six months, I attribute this addiction partly to the fanfics I read, where teen girls cut themselves to "feel better" and "escape the pain."
I don't know about anyone else, but self harm never really helped me. Sure, it gave me something else to think about, but that something else was how disappointed I was in myself, and how much my thighs hurt from where I'd just slashed them with a razor blade.
Fanfics glamorize and normalize self harm. They misrepresent it to make it seem normal, acceptable, almost healthy. And, if you're like me and probably many others they make it seem like a valid way to deal with your pain and emotions.
I'm all about the representation of real problems online and in writing. I'm so happy people can openly talk about self harm and their emotions online without any real consequences. However, the usage of self harm as nothing but a plot point to add drama to a story needs to stop.
Fanfics taught a naïve twelve year old me that plenty of people self harmed, that it was normal and helped you get through pain. That if I ever wanted to stop, I could just find a cute boy to kiss my scars and tell me to stop, and then I would.
Now, I read fanfics with blatant self harm scenes and quickly scroll by, hoping the few words I read weren't enough to trigger me. I hope that the idea won't stick in my head long enough to plant an idea in my head that I don't want or need.
Fanfic writers, please portray self harm accurately. It is not a game. It isn't healthy or normal. The truth is, no one should self harm, and no one, especially not young readers like I was, should be able to get the wrong idea about this. Self harm is dangerous, painful, and in no way helpful when dealing with trauma.
IT DOESN'T TAKE AWAY PAIN.
IT DOESN'T GIVE YOU A SENSE OF PEACE.
And most of all, it can't be taken away with a couple kisses to scars.
If you are currently struggling with self harm, remember that you are not alone. But also remember that this is not a healthy way to deal with pain! Talk to someone you trust, and don't hesitate to try to stop!!! Don't just wish you could stop. Be aggressive, take on your addiction (it genuinely is one) head first. You shouldn't have to face this alone.