I laid still watching the huge monitor before me. It beeped slowly according to my heartbeat while the opposite machine beeped rapidly according to my baby's heartbeat.
I hit twenty-six-weeks today, which meant I decided to keep the baby; and my time was almost up. I gained a little more weight, but most of it as in all of it hid in my breast and in my ass.
Crazy thing about my pregnancy was everything was backwards as hell, I hardly cry anymore or at all. I eat a lot and sleep less, and besides my ass and breast my face was fat to.
Now don't get me wrong my feet still swells, and I do have back pains just like any other pregnant women. It's natural in my case so I've been told, although I wish I had pain killers because this baby had my tailbone so freaking sore.
I wasn't having any irregular food cravings, but I swear pizza and French fries is all this baby really tolerated. Everything else I threw up and could not keep down, maybe just maybe some fruit.
None of that stuff was healthy though, my doctor tried giving me lists of other things to try; but none of them satisfied my child. So I've just been trying different measures, eating a little at a time...I guess that was helping.
"So have you decided on knowing the sex of your baby yet?" My doctor asked standing beside me, it's been about a month or two since he's told me I could find out his or hers sex.
I always say no simply because his or her father is not here to find out with me. "No." I replied shaking my head lightly, I just wasn't ready to experience this first time special moment without him.
"Lozada if you keep holding off soon the baby will be here, and you'll find yourself buying last min baby clothes and products." He explained sitting down on his stool.
I nodded my head showing him I agree with saying, I knew what he was doing; but I wasn't ready yet. If Deric wasn't here I didn't deserve the right to know, we should both be sharing this; I can't I just really can't do this without him.
"Alright I'll print a few pictures and then you can go." He said standing up leaving the room. I slid off the high bed pulling my jeans up buttoning them.
My stomach was shaped like a little basketball, and sat about two to three inches over my jeans. I wore baggy shirts so no one could tell, but to be honest I wish I didn't have to do that.
I look so good being pregnant, and I can't even enjoy my pregnancy or embrace it...god I hate it happened this way. "Ok your next appointment is in a month, here are your pictures and you are good to go." My doctor said.
"Thanks." I grabbed my bag and leaving quietly going directly home. I pulled up and parked in my original spot on the driveway reaching for my cellphone, I hope he answered.
After I pressed send I instantly pressed end, some things are just harder to do and can't be done at all I thought getting out of my car going inside.
I stuck my head and half of my body through the kitchens main entrance peeking at my mother, she was standing over the stove stirring the contents inside of the pot.
From the looks of it she was making dinner, and had just recently started on it. "Hey ma, need some help?" I said with a small grin, she smiled back and nodded her head eagerly.
I took a seat at the table grabbing the knife slicing the tomatoes on the cutting board tossing them into the salad bowl with the fresh mozzarella and spinach.
"How was it?" My mom said dropping the onions she had previously chopped into the pre heated skillet. "It was good, the baby's heartbeat sounds incredible." I said smiling.
"Aww that's beautiful, when I was pregnant hearing you guys heartbeat for the first time was so beautiful to me." I smiled listening to my mother speak on her pregnancy, if it wasn't for her I swear I wouldn't be doing this.
Telling her that I was going to be a mother was so hard, I was scared and she was happy. I cried and she laughed, she found me being paranoid extremely amusing.
I thought my mom was gonna react like everyone else that knew and acted/ treated it like it was a broken law, or a crime. Not my ma though, she stood by my side and hasn't left since.
"I had swollen feet, swollen legs, swollen arms. Baby girl I was just swollen, and your dad would always make fun of me; I swear I would just cry with my pregnant emotional self." She laughed.
I giggled slightly embarrassed for her, because once I realized how fat my face had gotten I cried to; I wasn't as emotional as I used to be though.
"It's much different now, I don't cry or have tantrums like I used to; all I do is over eat and barely sleep. And I swear I'm not a bed person, I'm so uncomfortable in my bed mama." I complained.
My ma laughed looking over at me. "That's how it is, and it's all because of that little baby." She expressed with a smile walking over to me resting her hand on my shoulder.
"Have you talked to Deric?" She asked, but I hadn't. "Nope." I replied exhaling. "He won't return any of my phone calls or text messages, guess I deserve that though." In all honesty.
Deric has been ignoring me since the day I stormed out of his house after he kicked me out, he reached out a few times; but I ignored every call and every text.
"Does he want to be apart of the baby's life at least?" My mother asked. "I don't know, mom I haven't spoken to him; I haven't spoken to anyone. Benz, Cash, Deric...no one." I said.
"Baby I hate to say this but, your going to have to fix this one way or another. You can't keep you and the baby's health in good shape if you don't fix this, it's unhealthy." She explained.
"I know mama I know, I been trying but he won't talk to me. Benz calls all the time, but I don't wanna talk to him. I can't talk to him, I don't know how to talk to him." I really didn't.
"Benz loves me and I love him, but once he finds out what I did he's gonna hate me forever...and to be honest I don't know if I can live with that." I stressed putting my head down.
"Ok I have a question for you, how do you think he feels after you fled on him and won't answer any of his calls?" Ugh here she goes with game, my mom always pulled this on me whenever I'm being stubborn.
"Alright alright, I'll talk him; but can I at least talk to Deric first? I mean he is the father." I announced crossing my arms. "Long as you do it, time is ticking." She said leaving out of the kitchen.
I shined Deric off because he made me mad kicking me out like that, I fell back hard from Benz because he was going to kill me; and as for Cash I just don't have anything to talk to him about.
This pregnancy had really brought out the worst in everything, I had no friends but one and if anything I shouldn't be talking to her because her loyalty resides with someone else.
I went upstairs to my room so I could call Deric in private. The two times the call went straight to voicemail, so I called again. This time is rang all the way through to his voicemail again.
"Fuck it." I huffed grabbing my keys, he won't answer me so I'm just gonna go to him. I grabbed my school dance hoodie throwing it on lightly jogging downstairs.
My mother was sitting on the couch flipping through a magazine while watching TV at the same time. "Going out?" She asked me. "Yeah for a little bit, did you need something?" I asked.
"Not if you don't plan on stopping, just be safe and do your best." She said informing me that she knew where I was going. I nodded unlocking my phone to call Deric again.
In the most of me calling my line beeped, I pulled my phone away from my ear seeing that Benz was calling. I declined the call but he only called again, I can't do this right now.
I placed my phone in my back pocket and pulled the door open, there he stood tall chocolate and eyes that could any and everything if it got in his way.
"So this is what I have to do just to talk to you?" My heart and my babies heart fell into the pit of my stomach. "Benz what are you doing here?"
_____________
V O T E
C O M M E N T