"The ones who hurt us cannot heal us. That's not the way it works. That's not the way it ever works."
―Ashleigh Caitbog-Abraham, There's Nothing Left to Save
Sun shone through the blinds and the sounds of the birds that twittered through the branches of the tree outside my bedroom window floated throughout the room. I groaned and rolled over―it was going to be one of those days.
I lay on my back with the covers pulled up to my midriff and mentally prepared myself for the day ahead. I didn't have anything special or even remotely exciting planned, I just needed a little nudge to get me out of bed.
For a moment I allowed my mind to wander to Nathan and my stomach fluttered. I didn't want to feel this way about another guy when I wasn't even over the last one. It was bad timing that's all, I reasoned. Or was it pretty good timing?
I groaned in frustration. I didn't have the answer to that question. If I had met him before Katie had dropped her bombshell about her and Brian then there wouldn't have even been the question of my feelings for him, but when your ex gets himself engaged to your sister it was high time to move the hell on...Right?
Despite the fact that I had my own problems, my thoughts drifted to Hailey and her relationship drama and I let out a long sigh. "Hailey, Hailey, Hailey," I muttered, shaking my head.
I unplugged my phone and dialed her number. She answered on the third ring with a groggy "Its way too early for either of us to be up."
"It's after ten," I laughed. "Wanna grab lunch later?"
She hesitated. "I don't think that's such a good idea Tay."
"And why is that?" I asked, lifting myself to a sitting position.
"I have a lunch date with Michael," she murmured.
Silence.
"Taylor?"
More silence.
She sighed. "I know how you feel about him but can you try to let it go just this once? For me?"
I used my free hand to sweep my hair away from my face before I replied. "This isn't some wacky rendition of Frozen, Hailey―and I don't owe your idiot ex that courtesy. So, no. I cant let it go, not even for you."
"I've been there for you throughout all of your pining after Brian midnight calls. Why can't you do the same for me?" she asked with a slight quiver in her voice.
"Because you can do so much better than him. Why can't you see that?"
She groaned. "You're not listening to me!"
"Yes, I am. But Hails you deserve so much more than Michael."
She was quiet for a long time before she replied. "I don't want to have this fight with you every time I go out with him, it's exhausting."
"Then don't go out with him."
"You're my best friend Taylor and I love you to death, but you need to drop it," she replied gruffly.
"You're too good for him," I stressed.
"Okay, we're no longer discussing this. Have you eaten?"
"No."
"Cut the attitude Evans," Hailey snapped. "No need to get pissy about it."
"When he breaks your heart for the fifth time you'll understand my need for pissiness!"
"That's not even a word," she muttered.
"Sure, you'll attack my grammar but you want talk about being hopeless," I grumbled.
"I am not hopeless," she replied. "Things are different this time."
"That's what you said the last time."
"You know what Taylor? Screw you!"
"Whatever, but when he leaves you crying on the bathroom floor you know where to find me."
"He's not going to leave."
"Okay," I said, dangling my feet off the bed. "Whatever you say."
"Good, I'm glad we cleared that up," she said brightly. "But maybe you should call Jamie if you have no plans for the day, it'll take your mind off of missing me."
"I'd honestly rather sit on my couch all day in my bathrobe drinking wine straight from the bottle," I muttered. "And why did you have to mention him anyway? Our conversation was going great so far."
"Because my relationship was the topic but now we're talking about you and your broken friendship?"
"What relationship?" I scoffed. "That man is incapable of commitment."
"Watch it Evans," Hailey warned. "We're not talking about Michael anymore."
"Fine, then we're not talking about Jamie either."
"Fine."
"So, nice weather we're having today huh?" I asked with a glance outside.
She laughed and then I heard the rustling of sheets. "I have to get ready, I'll call you later."
"Unless you're calling to tell me that you've finally sent him packing, don't bother calling," I huffed.
"Bitch," I heard her mutter.
"Love you too Hails."
**
I was sitting on the reading nook in my room staring out the window when the doorbell rang. I cursed whoever it was to the deepest pits of the underworld before I got up to answer it.
"I'm coming dammit!" I yelled when the doorbell chimed again.
I swung open the door and a scowl immediately made its way onto my face when I saw Katie standing there, looking like she had just stepped off the runway.
"Ugh, it's you," I muttered, leaning against the doorframe.
"Hello Taylor," she greeted me with a smile that made my stomach churn.
"To what do I owe the pleasure, Katie?"
"May I come in?" she asked, looking past me into the house.
"Why?"
"Please," she pleaded.
I glanced over her shoulder at my nosy neighbor Mrs. Alston who was openly staring at our exchange. I flipped her the bird before stepping aside.
"You've redecorated," Katie commented as she took a seat on the couch. "I like it. It's totally you."
I glanced around the room and shrugged. The walls were painted in different shades of purple, growing lighter with each barrier. And the furniture was well-matched to the color scheme of each side. I didn't know how the room theoretically matched my character but I wasn't about to dwell on it.
I sat as far away from her as possible. "What do you want?"
"I miss you," she said softly. "I miss talking to you. Hell, I even miss fighting with you."
The corners of my mouth formed a small smile, but I wasn't about to say it back.
"I know that you're still upset with me but I need you Taylor. I don't want to plan my wedding without you by my side."
I tucked my legs beneath me. "You'll have to get over that. You sealed our futures when you agreed to marry Brian. You can't have us both and you've already made your choice."
A tear slid down her cheek and she stared at me with sad eyes. "I'm so sorry that it had to be him."
I waved her apology away. The last thing that I wanted to do was argue with my sister over her tactlessness when it came to choosing her fiancé. The word fiancé alone made me want to throw up.
"Shouldn't you be at work?"
"Called in sick," she shrugged nonchalantly.
I raised my brow. For Katie that was major. She lived and breathed the hospital. Unlike Hailey who was also in med school and found every opportunity to slack off, she actually put in the work and volunteer hours.
"I stopped by the bookstore and Jamie said you were home. I didn't know that he was back in town."
I nodded. "He took me by surprise too."
"Are you two friends again?" she asked cautiously.
I drew in a breath and stood. "Would you like something to drink?"
Lord knows I do.
She nodded and quickly added "I didn't mean to pry."
I busied myself in the kitchen, pouring her a glass of store-bought lemonade and myself a glass of red wine.
Jamie was the only subject that was off-limits to everyone, sometimes even Hailey and especially Katie.
"Thank you," she said when I returned. "Isn't it too early for you to be drinking?"
"This coming from the reason that I'm drinking?" I asked, lifting the glass to my lips. "That's ironic as hell."
She sucked in a breath. "I'm sorry."
I drained my glass of wine and let out a humorless laugh. "You're getting pretty good at saying sorry, almost as good as Brian."
"Taylor," she sighed. "Are we ever going to move past this?"
I pondered her question while I refilled my glass in the kitchen before deciding to take the bottle with me. "Give me a call in about three years," I told her, retaking my seat. "That's how long we were together, by the way. And when I tell you to shove it, you can try again in another three years, by then the wound should be healed."
I knew that I was being difficult. Some might even call me unjust, but my pride had been hurt and my world upturned when Brian ended things and the last piece of my heart broke when Katie announced their engagement.
"I see," she mumbled. "That wasn't the answer that I was hoping for but I understand your need to be angry."
"Thank you for being so understanding," I clutched my heart.
"Ah, sarcasm," she sighed. "Such a Taylor move."
"Well, I've never claimed to be anyone else my darling sister."
When I refilled my glass for the third time she took the bottle from me. "That's enough wine for you."
"Still trying to tell me how to live my life even when you're the one destroying it?"
She shook her head. "You've been destroying your life long before I intervened, Taylor."
"And now you're just speeding things along," I chuckled. "How will I ever repay your kindness?"
"How many times can I say that I'm sorry?" she yelled, startling me. "I'm so sorry Taylor. It's so messed up but I can't undo what's been done. The only thing that we can do is move on but you're not even willing to try."
"Why does everyone expect me to just get over it?" I raised my voice to match hers. "I'm the victim in case you've forgotten. So, screw you for thinking that an apology can fix this! I have every right to my anger!"
She scoffed but there were tears in her eyes. "Do you think that I like this outcome? You're my sister Taylor, the last thing that I wanted to do was hurt you but it happened and I'm saying that I'm sorry. I'm so tired of saying sorry but it's all that I have. I'm so very sorry Tay."
"Get out," I growled. "Get the hell out of my house!"
When she made no attempt to leave, I let my tears flow. "You really think that an apology will fix this?" I asked a visibly shaken Katie. "It won't. Nothing that you say can fix this."
She wiped her eyes. "Then tell me what I can do."
I shook my head because I didn't have the heart to say the words that would make me the most selfish person that I knew. "There's nothing that you can do either," I said, settling instead on a version of the truth that she could swallow more easily. "The damage is already done."
**
When you're dreaming with a broken heart,
The waking up is the hardest part,
You roll outta bed and down on your knees,
And for a moment you can hardly breathe.
"You said it, John!" I slurred and flicked a teardrop away.
John Mayer droned on in the background oblivious to my troubles, while I lay on the couch clutching an almost empty wine bottle. "I've officially hit rock bottom," I declared to the empty room. "It doesn't get more pathetic than this."
A buzzing sound interrupted my drunken stupor and I glared at the door, deciding to ignore it. The last thing that I needed was for someone to see me in the state that I was in. I'd never be able to forgive myself.
Katie's impromptu visit had somehow managed to put a crack in the wall that I'd put up to guard my emotions. Unfortunately, it was a wall made of glass, because I wasn't strong enough to build one made of stone.
The doorbell buzzed again, proceeded by a quick succession of knocks. The longer I ignored it, the louder it got until it was a full blown ruckus.
I turned my phone off, ending John Mayer's performance and stumbled off the couch, intending to escape to my room if I could only get my legs to co-operate.
"Just go away," I groaned when the the throbbing in my head started and the banging continued. I actually hoped that Mrs. Alston would tell whoever it was to leave before she called the cops—she was useful like that sometimes.
After a minute the knocking ceased and I plopped myself back down with a groan. "Finally!"
"Taylor?" someone called out.
I froze. That voice belonged to Jamie. What the hell was he doing here?
The knocking resumed and I almost burst into tears.
"Go away, O'Connor!" I shouted. "Please."
"I'm calling your mom," he bellowed.
"Fuck," I whispered.
He had me there and he knew it. I'd sooner rip out my belly ring than let her see me like this. She'd never shut up about it.
I shuffled to the door and cracked it open. "What?"
He poked his head in. "You're a mess."
I leaned against the frame and laboured my breathing. My head was already spinning from my little trip to the door. "Tell me something I don't know."
He smiled at me. "What can I say that won't make you angry?"
"You can tell me that you're leaving."
He chuckled and I cracked a smile. "Your neighbor won't stop glaring at me," he whispered.
I laughed and dammit to hell, it hurt to laugh.
"Oww," I groaned, taking a step back. I squeezed my eyes shut and willed the pain to go away.
"C'mere," Jamie said, taking me by the shoulders and guiding me back to the couch.
I stretched out my legs and covered my eyes with my left hand. "I feel awful."
"You look awful too."
I heard the door close and I turned to look at Jamie. "You're not staying."
"The hell I'm not," he grumbled. "I remember your post drunken stage Tay and it's not very pretty. I'd say I'm good right here."
I couldn't argue with him. Mostly because I didn't have the amount of energy that I needed to do so and also because he was right, I'd need him later when I turned into a two year old whose blankie was missing.
He patted my leg and chuckled when I shook his hand off. "I'll be right back," he said, still chuckling.
He returned with a glass of water and two packs of Advil. "They're for later."
I creased my brow. "Stop being so nice."
"Can't help it," he flicked my leg. "I'm a nice guy."
"If you don't stop touching me you'll be a dead guy."
He laughed and I winced. "Sorry," he said reaching out to touch my face.
"Do it, I dare you."
"Mean," he chuckled. "How can you possibly be this mean to the guy who's taking care of you?"
"It's pretty easy," I mumbled. "What are you even doing here?"
He scratched the back of his neck, looking away from from me. After a minute he cleared his throat and glanced at me briefly. "My mom told me about Katie."