Niall pulled up in front of a modest home in the Dublin suburbs. He frowned and checked his GPS. This didn't look right but it was the correct address. He got out of his Range Rover, locking it and headed up the wide pathway to the door. His knock was answered by an attractive young woman, a toddler held on her hip. "You must be Mr Gallagher. Donal is expecting you. Come in". She stepped aside to allow Niall to enter into the bright hallways.
"Mmmh I'm not Mr Gallagher" he said shyly'
"I know dear, but you are when you are here. Come with me. Donal is down in his office . It's at the bottom of the garden. Mind the toys, they're a real trip hazard. I'm Saoirse , by the way" Niall followed her, totally bemused. This definitely was not turning out as he expected. The woman lead the way through French doors and down a path to a large and comfortable looking Summer House. She tapped briefly then went in, Niall following. "Donal, here's Mr Gallagher. I'll be down in a few minutes with tea. You do drink tea?" She looked questioningly at Niall who nodded mutely. She smiled and left as Niall turned his attention to the man sat in the wheelchair before him.
"Hello Niall. You look confused. Take a seat. Forgive me for not standing up to greet you but as you can see, I can't. I'm Donal Hanson. Please call me by whatever name makes you more comfortable." He reached out his hand and Niall shook it briefly. " Make yourself at home". Niall found a comfortable looking chair facing Donal and crossed his legs, folding his arms across his chest. Donal smiled to himself on seeing the classic body language, the defensive posture. "Ah, here is Saoirse with the tea." His wife placed the tray on a table between the two men then vanished as silently as she had arrived. Donal immediately poured out two mugs of tea. "Have a cookie. Saoirse is a wonderful baker"
I thought that you might feel happier being here rather than at my office. It's away from prying eyes. You are also "Mr Gallagher", again to help protect your anonymity. I know this isn't easy for you, Niall, so I thought we'd spend some time in just getting to know each other. As I said, I'm Donal and you and I already have somethings in common." Niall raised an eyebrow.'We both play guitar and we both have MS. How about you tell me something about yourself.?"
"I....look I don't mean to be rude but I really don't want to be here. I can't see the point of having some shrink rummage around inside my head". Niall said hotly, his posture not relaxing an inch." I don't want to waste your time so I'll just leave" Niall stood up.
"Niall, firstly, if you want to leave I won't stop you but before you go, perhaps you'll let me explain a few things? Come on, sit down and at least drink your tea and try a cookie. Saoirse will be offended if we don't demolish them.
"Let's take your concern about having a shrink rummaging in your head. I'm a Clinical Psychologist, not a Psychiatrist. And I'm not going to rummage in your head as you put it. I'm going to be a listening ear for you. I am not here to make judgements, tell you what you should or shouldn't do or think. I'm just an impartial friend, if you like. Often people sort themselves out just by talking to someone else. It's a way to clear the mind. I know from what Doctor O'Brian has told me, you've had a pretty tough time lately. And remember I also have MS. I remember my own struggles with the diagnosis, the difficultly in coming to terms with it. I confess I had quite a battle to accept it. In fact, despite being a Psychologist myself, I actually went to one as a patient. It helped me move on." Donal smiled across at Niall and was happy to notice a slight relaxation in Niall's tense facial expression. "The life of a pop star seems very glamorous but I'm sure that's a misconception"
"Yeah, it's not all beer and skittles. It's being constantly on the move, never being in one place long enough to see more than the stadium and your hotel room. It's grabbing meals when you can, smiling and signing autographs when you are sick and exhausted and doing stuff you don't want to do because Management say you have to do it. The plus side is you get to do all kinds of crazy stuff and we have wonderful fans. Best on the planet" Niall smiled, more to himself.
"Not quite the life of riley, then" Donal commented. "Tell me, how are you adapting to life with MS? It's very early days for you, everything is new and not just a little frightening. You must feel confused and frightened. I know I did"
"Yeah, I just want to go back to being normal again" Niall said quietly.
"But you are normal Niall. That hasn't changed. You have MS, yes, but you are still normal. What makes you feel otherwise?" Donal probed gently, smiling inwardly when Niall uncrossed his arms and legs and relaxed back into the chair.
"Well I can't have a normal life now, can I. No wife and kids. Who'd want to marry me, for a start. Who'd take that burden?"
"Niall, is that how you see yourself? As a burden?" Donal questioned
"Well, yeah. What if I end up in a wheelchair, useless. I'd.......oh...sorry, sorry. I didn't think" Niall's voice trailed off and he blushed furiously. Donal only laughed.
"Niall, would it help you to know that I've been in a wheelchair for ten years now. Saoirse and I married four years ago and you've seen one of my children. MS isn't a death sentence. Yes, it can be hard and it has it's challenges but then life does anyway. We're always going to have to face that curve ball. For you and I, it's MS. For others it may be something else. We can't go through life trying to predict what may or may not happen. Yes, MS isn't pleasant but then neither are a lot of other things. I have a normal life, I just happen to be in a wheelchair. But I'm still normal..and so are you". Donal watched various emotions flash across Niall's face as he digested what he had just been told.
Niall, you've come close to ending your own life? Can you tell me why you felt that desperate?"Donal asked quietly. "Is there anything particular that triggered it?"
"I just ended up in a dark place. It just seemed like it was the right choice. I didn't want to end up being a wreak. I wanted to remain me and it seemed like the answer. To be honest, it still seems the answer" Niall tried to answer honestly but he struggled to put his thoughts into words. "I can't explain. There was just so much going wrong and it was the only way out"
"Do you still feel like that?" Donal asked
"A few nights ago, I'd have said yes but then when it came to actually doing it, I bottled out. I ended up too scared"
"And today?"
"Niall looked at Donal then looked away. "Maybe, No. No today it looks like the stupid idea it was. I'm just scared tomorrow it will become a brilliant idea again. Donal, I'm scared" Niall admitted.
"Being scared is a sign you know it isn't the right choice Niall. It might not seem like it, but not carry through with swallowing those pills, was a right choice. Deep down , you knew it wasn't the answer. Niall, you are feeling low now and I won't say I can wave a magic wand and having everything perfect for you but you have the ability to come through this. You need to talk about those demons, it will remove their power to hurt you. Therapy isn't a quick fix, it's a slow progression , but it does work. How do you feel about continuing with me? Are you willing to give it a try?"
"Maybe, ok. I'll give it a go" Niall agreed
"Excellent. Now eat those cookies. Saoirse will be charmed if you do"
Niall drove back to Mullingar, his head full of his conversation with Donal. He had agreed to go back again in a few days time. It hadn't been what he had expected. He had actually felt quite at easy with Donal once the initial wariness had worn off and he even ended up laughing a few times as Donal told him some of the funnier experiences he'd had as a result of his MS. And Donal had a wife and family, despite his health problems. Maybe there might be that opportunity for himself. His head buzzing with all his thoughts, he was surprised to find himself pulling up in front of his father's house.
Niall sat in his car a few moments then let himself out. He'd barely put the key in the door and let himself in when he was engulfed in a massive bear hug.
"Liam!" he yelled with delight "When did you get here? Why are you here?" Liam grinned rather sheepishly as he smiled down at his smaller bandmate.
"Long story, young Nialler. Let's just say Louis sent in the Cavalry" He hugged Niall tightly again, smiling as Niall tucked his head into his neck and hugged back.
"Li...I'm glad you're here, I need you" Niall whispered into Liam's shoulder.
"And I'm here, Ni, as long as you need me. And Louis is just a call away. Don't you dare to ever forget that.
"But Zayn promised........." Niall said brokenly And Liam's heart tore just that little bit more.
'