Stumbling through the dark

Deep Breaths

"Nervous?" Jacey asked as she rubbed Niall's arm gently "It will be fine. You'll be fine"

"I'm not sure, Jace. I mean, I want this but I'm scared. What if it doesn't work?" Niall's voice shook slightly though he tried to not to let his nerves show.

"If it doesn't work, then we're no worse off than we are now and we'll deal with whatever happens. But it's going to work, Ni. It will work and you'll be completely healthy again. Our baby was a miracle just by being conceived and he's brought an extra miracle with him by being born and supplying the cord blood. He's given you a chance at beating the MS . The stem cell treatment will work. I just know, deep in my heart, that it will" Jacey let confidence flood her voice. She knew the chances of this new treatment working were good but even she was aware that there was a slight chance it could fail. But she didn't want Niall to be doubtful. She wanted him to go into this wholeheartedly confident. She mentally crossed her fingers.

"Let's do this" Niall smiled at her then turned to Louis. "I'm ready to go". He hugged Jacey tightly then picked up his baby son for a final cuddle."I'll miss you both, he whispered then handed the baby to Jacey. "Come on, before I start crying" Niall said then hurried out of the door. He didn't look back because he knew he'd never leave if he did.

The drive to the hospital was quiet. Niall was lost in thought and Louis instinctively knew that Niall needed this time uninterrupted. The next few weeks were going to be hard for Niall. The new treatment meant he'd have to be in isolation until the treatment had been completed as his immune system was going to be destroyed before the stem cell treatment was applied. He'd be away from his family, only able to see them through a window, talking over an intercom system. Yes, it would be hard but the prize of good health would be worth it.

Doctor Corder had finished doing all the final checks on Niall as James Caldwell entered the room, followed by Louis who had been waiting impatiently for the doctor to be finished.

"Ready for this , Niall ?" James asked

"Ready as I'll ever be" Niall with a single nod of his head. He felt sick with nerves. Doctor Corder had explained very clearly what was going to happen. Tomorrow morning he was going to be given a major blast of chemotherapy (A/N whilst the stem cell treatment exists this bit is pure fiction). The side effects would be very severe but short-lived as the new drugs by far superseded those of twenty years ago. Once the side effects had been dealt with and Niall was feeling stronger , he'd undergo scans to make sure that everything was clear. Then he'd receive the powerful stem cells that had been harvested from his baby son's cord blood. It would be a tense time then final scans and tests would reveal the results.

"Then we'll start tomorrow. I've prescribed some medication to make sure you get a good rest tonight, then tomorrow we'll start." James and Doctor Corder both shook hands with Niall and Louis then left the two younger men together.

"Stop worrying, Nialler" Louis said as he pulled Niall's fingers from his mouth. ""You'll have no nails left at this rate"

"Can't help it. I'm nervous as f.ck. Then there's Jacey and the baby" Niall admitted.

"Mate, I'll look after them. You look after you. This is going to work and the sooner it's started, the sooner you're going home." Louis said encouragingly. "Look, I'd better go. You need to get some sleep. Big day tomorrow." Louis stood up and gave Niall a hug, then ruffled his hair. "Good luck, lad. But you don't need it. You've the luck of the Irish!" he waved a hand and disappeared out of the door leaving Niall alone with his own thoughts.

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Niall lay back against the pillows enjoying a brief respite from the almost constant vomiting the chemotherapy had triggered. He hadn't expected the nausea to kick in almost immediately. Twenty years ago, it had taken a few sessions of chemo before it had made him sick. This had taken just a few hours. His stomach hurt so badly as each time he was sick, it felt like his stomach was turning itself inside out. His own fault, he thought gloomily. Payback fro his suicide attempts. Though those attempts were in the long and dark past, the damage it had done to his stomach had been permanent. He groaned again and grabbed the bowl as another wave of nausea washed over him.

"Here, you are, sweetie" a nurse appeared, holding a covered tray. "I know you hate needles but this will help with the nausea" . She swiftly injected the medication into Niall's arm. Much as he still hated needles, he was grateful. He was so utterly worn out and would do almost anything to stop himself being sick. The nurse changed over his IV then went into the bathroom and remerged with a bowl and a wash cloth to bath Niall's face and hands. "Once this has all stopped, we are moving you to the isolation Unit. You'll stay there until the the final stage of treatment has been completed and we have the results." Niall nodded, too exhausted to respond. He just prayed this would all be worth it.

"Can't I walk?" Niall said fretfully as the masked and gowned nurse helped him into a wheelchair to take him to the isolation unit. "I can walk, you know".

"Sorry sweetheart, hospital rules" the nurse told him as she prepared to take him through to the Isolation Unit. His immune system was breaking down following the chemo and he had to be protected from any possible illness as even getting a cold would prove very serious. Niall grumbled to himself as he was pushed down a very short corridor. All doctors and nurses treating him would be gowned and masked. Visitors couldn't even enter the room. Niall's eyes filled with tears. He wouldn't be able to kiss his wife or cuddle his baby son, just see them through a window. He felt so miserable.

Niall curled up into a ball and allowed the tears to fall unchecked. He felt really ill, everywhere ached and he felt so lost and alone. Jacey had brought the baby to see him but not being able to hold either of them was too much for Niall to deal with. Jacey had tried her best to cheer him up but talking through an intercom and only being able to see each other through a glass window had taken its toll on both of them , and  Doctor Corder  had suggested that Jacey curtail the visit as Niall was becoming more and more distressed. She had reluctantly left and Niall succumbed to his depression.

The days seemed to drag by and Niall felt lower and lower as time went on. He had received the stem cell therapy through an IV drip. He had laid there, watching it slowly drip into his body, praying hard that it would work. The chances were good, he knew that ,but it was harder for an adult to go into remission and he had been warned that he might need another transplant, this time from another blood cord donor. It had been enough of a miracle that he had been compatible with Baby Louis, This way, at least he knew his body was unlikely to reject the treatment. If he needed a second transplant, could he possibly be that lucky for it to be an absolute match. The waiting was the worst. Did it work? What if it didn't? Niall was driving himself mad constantly thinking about it.

"Good Morning, Niall".  Doctor Corder, the Oncologist in charge of his treatment walked in and placed his clipboard on the bed. "I've arranged for your scans to be done tomorrow. The nurse will come shortly, and collect the various blood samples, etc we need. Then we'll see how things are doing". He smiled at Niall then bid him goodbye. He had barely left the room when a nurse arrived with all the paraphernalia she would need to do what was required. Niall groaned. He just wanted to get away from this place. Gritting his teeth, he gave himself over to the nurse's ministrations.

The next day passed in a blur as Niall was heavily sedated. He had started to panic at the thought of being enclosed in the scanners but the sedation had dampened down his anxiety very quickly, leaving him with a weird , floaty session that made him feel completely divorced from the reality going around him. Once it was all over, Niall was returned back to his room where he fell into a proper sleep, not stirring until the next morning.

Niall was sat staring at the TV, eyes fixed on the screen but his thought far away. All he could think about was the results. Had it worked? Was he finally going to be free of MS? His head jerked to the door at the sound of it opening and he pushed himself to sit up further as he fixed his eyes on the Doctors who had just entered the room. He scanned their faces but could reading nothing in their facial expression which were blank. He swallowed convulsively then, without knowing he was doing it, held his breath, waiting for them to speak. His vision started to grey then ,the next thing he knew, one of the doctors was bent over him, urging him to take some deep breaths.