Chapter 87:
I open the front door as a knock sounds. I sigh at the image of the person on the other side and close the door again. They quickly grab the door and walk in as I turn and trudge back into the house.
"Come on Darc, stop pushing everyone away." She sighs.
I ignore her and collapse back onto the lounge, resting my side against the back and bringing my knees to my chest as best I can.
"Alex is heartbroken. He loves you Darcy, and he just wants to know he can be with his fiancé and kids." She sits down next to me but I don't look at her.
"The weddings off. I can't do this." I let out a shaky breath, trying not to cry again.
"You're not taking care of yourself anymore Darcy. You need to remember that you're responsible for two more lives now." She points out.
"You're not here anymore!" I shout, finally looking at her.
"You haven't been here for months. You think I like it when you visit?" I say angrily.
"You know you need me, Darc. I would always come when you had your dark moments. I always made sure that you didn't remember what you did to yourself. I miss you." She says kindly.
"I miss you too, but everyone has tried to get me to talk to him. I just can't. He's going to leave, and I have to make sure I'm the one less hurt. I never wanted these twins, and if I'm going to be a good mother, I can't show how much I'm hurting." A tear slips down my cheek.
"I wish I could stay and help you." She sighs.
"So do I. You could if you really wanted to." I look at her hopefully.
She smiles sadly and her hand rests on my cheek.
"Oh sweetie, if I could stay for one more hour, I would. But I have to get back." She runs the back of her hand down my cheek, and I try to remember the feeling as best I can.
"If you have to 'get back' does that mean that you're really here? Or am I just imagining this whole thing, and you're actually back home?" I ask, hoping she is here.
"I wish I could say yes. I am so sorry that I didn't know what kind of guy Daniel was." She says, beginning to cry.
"It wasn't your fault." I shake my head.
"In a way, it was. I should have seen it. I should have known." She says, angry with herself.
"Do you really have to leave?" I say frantically. She can't leave, not again.
"I'll always love you, Darcy. But no one can know I visit. This is the last time, I promise you. Forgive Alex, he really does care." She lightly wraps her arms around me and I hug her back tightly, my eyes closing as a tear slips down my cheek.
"I love you mum." I pull back to look at her again, and when my eyes open...she's gone.
I start to sob uncontrollably, and I bring my knees back to my chest. I pull at my hair and cry. I just want her back. I need her back.
The door sounds off again and I rush to my feet, almost running to it.
"Mum?" I ask frantically as I fling the door open. He gives me a confused look and I heave a heavy sigh.
"You okay?" he asks slowly.
"Yeah, I'm fine." I turn and walk back into the lounge room. I collapse onto the single chair as I hear the door close and he walks in.
"You're obviously not. Why don't you just talk to him? He's hurting too." He looks at me with that 'do the right thing' look.
"Do you know why I was so intent on believing that the twins were gone? You know, after I started bleeding because of those idiotic paps." I ask, daring a look.
"Any mother would be like that. You've got no idea how scared we were when we saw you in that hospital bed." He nods.
"I was pregnant after I was raped. I got to 7 weeks and my baby died. I wished that baby away, and now it's going to happen again. I'm going to lose my babies."
He stays quiet, and I see the surprised look on his face. He's trying to process it all.
"I can't give birth to a dead baby." A tear slips down my cheek.
"You won't, Darc. I know I can't promise that everything is going to be perfectly fine, because no one knows that for sure. You need to trust in your instincts, but don't let them take over. Not every one of them is right." He says seriously and reassuringly.
I nod my head and take in his words. Maybe not all of my feelings are right. But the one about Alex is. I'll convince myself not to love him one day.
"Are you feeling any better?" he asks with a slight pout.
"I don't really know what I feel." I shrug.
"Do you want a hug?" he coos and I look over at him with a roll of my eyes.
"Come on, you know you want a hug." He holds out his arms with a grin.
I crack a smile and laugh. He stands up and walks over to me, sitting on the arm rest as his arms encircle me.
I rest my head on his chest and hug him back, relishing in the feeling of being held by someone real again. I don't know why I keep seeing my mum. I've visited her grave a lot the past month, asking for help and wondering what to do. But I never really get an answer. Even when I do see her, she just tells me to forgive him.
But honestly, I don't need to. He didn't do anything wrong. It's my fault he's gone. I was the one that pushed him away. I'm the one that got scared again.
"Why do I have to be so scared all of the time?" I sigh.
"Because if you weren't, you wouldn't be human." He smiles.
I laugh and hug him tighter.
"I never thought that you of all people would be here trying to make me feel better." I say curiously.
"Well I wouldn't be a very good uncle if I didn't." he says happily, with a small smile.
"Can I ask a favour?" I ask hesitantly.
"Of course. Anything you need will be done in a heartbeat." He reassures.
"Can you stay the night? My dads are in Italy for another 2 days, and I don't think I can spend another night alone." I look down as I pull away from the hug, playing with my fingers.
"Absolutely." He says kindly.
"Thanks Uncle Isaac."
***
I feel an arm around my waist as I'm held protectively, but as I turn around, there's no one there. And I'm left crying myself to sleep again. A month and all I've done is miss him.
"Why do I have to be such an idiot?" I groan as I lie on my back.
"Because you know, deep down, that you don't deserve happiness." I hear a harsh voice speak from next to me, standing next to the bed. I roll my eyes, knowing the voice way too much.
"Everyone deserves to be happy." I reply, staring at the ceiling.
"Not you." She snaps.
"Oh bite me." I groan.
"I hope he never comes back. I hope you lose those babies." She growls.
I ignore her rant and pull the covers back, getting out of bed. I pass right through her, but I sense her turn and glare at me.
"Hope all you want Cia." I shrug.
"Why aren't you upset? I used to make you do terrible things to yourself, and now you're acting like I'm not here." She yells.
"You're not." I say simply.
"Don't play dumb. I know you can see, and obviously hear me. God you're such a bitch!" she spits.
"You know, I used to be afraid of you. I used to be scared and hurt by everything they said, and by everything you said. But now, I'm done. I'm just so done with this world that nothing seems to tear me down anymore. I'm finished with feeling bad, and I'm more than finished with you." I bite back, turning to look at her.
"I'll be back, don't think I won't be. You'll be scared of me again, because I know deep down you've always been terrified. Good luck with the twins Darciarna....hope nothing goes wrong." She smirks before disappearing.
But what I said was true. I'm not really scared of her anymore. I've gotten to the point where I'm too drained all of the time, to care what she thinks. What anyone thinks really.
So I climb back into bed and close my eyes, sleep not coming easy at all. All I can think of is how I stuffed up.
I don't regret pushing him away. Well, not completely. I just don't want to keep him from his kids, and I'd never do that! He can take the twins once they're born, because they deserve a stable parent. Someone who won't lie in bed for days at a time, refusing and not feeling like eating. Being so depressed that she can't feel anything. That's not what they deserve. Not ever.
I had a happy mother, even when she missed my dad. She never let me down like I'll do to my kids. I don't want to, but I feel like I have no choice anymore when it comes to my emotions. I only have this terrible life that looks perfect on the outside. Twins soon to be born, a fiancé who loves me. The perfect life, no? No. It's because I pushed everyone away and screwed up my life.
If I had one wish, it would be that I never met Al-
"You are not getting rid of me again. You think you were my only choice? You think girls didn't, and still don't, throw themselves at me? I get countless offers. Girls who are bubbly and happy almost all the time." I sit up quickly as he staggers in.
"What are you doing Alex? It's 2am, and you're half drunk." I groan, flicking on the lamp on my bedside table.
"You want to know why I always come back to you instead of listening to them?" he ignores my question and continues with his own.
"I don't know. Why do you come back to me?" I say effortlessly, only half caring at the moment.
"Because before we were together, I tried to be with another girl. Hooked up with a few, nothing big and it never went anywhere. But no matter how hard I tried, no matter how much I wanted to stop it, she always turned into you. You had this spell over me, and I wanted nothing more than to make you smile." He stumbles on his feet a little, and I see the tears in his eyes.
"You need to go, you're going to wake up Isaac, and I don't need him worrying. I'm sorry that that happened, but it wasn't my fault or my problem. I...I don't love you, and you need to go." My heart shatters and I almost wince in pain as I say the last part. A lie, and a hopefully convincing one.
"That's bullshit and you know it." He spits.
"No it's not-"I barely finish those 3 words as he interrupts again.
"Yes it is!" he yells.
"And you know how I know?" he says back, getting slightly angry.
I shrug and shake my head, not wanting to hear this anymore.
"Because you're still wearing the necklace I gave you three years ago. The one with my heart in it. And you're still wearing your engagement ring. Even after a month of saying you don't love me." the tears fall down his cheeks and he seems to sober up enough.
"What do you want me to do?" I ask, getting frustrated with everything.
"Admit that you still care." He walks forward as I sit on the edge of the bed, my feet on the floor. He falls to his knees and rests his forehead against my stomach, and I can hear his sobs.
I look up at the ceiling, biting the inside of my cheeks to stop myself from letting out a whimper or a cry.
"I don't. Not anymore." I let out a shaky breath, unable to look at him as I continue to lie through my teeth.
"You can't say you don't love me. Not now. Not while you're pregnant." He says strongly, stating it without an ounce of question.
"When the twins are born, they'll be yours, not mine. Maybe then you'll believe me." I nod.
"Please, just stop. Stop doing this. I can't live without you." He stands up and looks at me, completely heartbroken and devastated. He looks as if I've just told him someone he loves is dead.
I look down at my left hand and hesitantly and unwillingly slip off my ring. I put it in his hand and close his fingers around it.
"You should go." I nod, not looking at him.
"Please." He begs again. So I tell him the truth. I don't lie anymore, because he needs to know the real reason I can't be with him.
"I love you Alex, more than anything and anyone. I love you so much that it hurts. It physically hurts. I've let this get too far. I let it get too far 3 years ago. Now isn't the best time to be doing this, I know. But I love you too much to be with you." My cheeks become red and sore because of all the crying I've done lately.
He takes my hands and in one swift motion, I'm up and pressed against the wall. His lips smash to mine and he moves them passionately with mine. His tongue slips through my lips, forcing his way in. The kiss is never soft, but it's always sweet. Always hot and passionate and knee weakening.
And even though I don't want to, I give in. Our lips pull apart and connect again, the action repeating quite a few times. I hear a small moan from Alex, which makes me copy his sexy sounds.
I hate that I like this. I hate that I love this. That I feel more in love with him with every second. I didn't think it was possible to love him more, but every time we kiss, I fall in love with him over and over again. All it takes is one look, one smile, one touch, and one kiss.
"Now tell me you don't love me." he breathes out against my lips.
"I..." I breathe heavy, eventually catching the oxygen that my lungs are begging for.
I finally open my eyes and look into his. Every memory I have of him comes flooding back, and all of the important ones stand out excessively. I get lost in his eyes and I think over this whole thing.
Is this what I want? Am I being selfish by forcing him to go? I can't live without him, and I can feel myself slowly decaying without him around.
"I can't." I say honestly, and his lips are on mine again. And this kiss is sweeter and softer and just...beautiful.
His lips fall from mine and he falls gently to one knee. He holds out my engagement ring between two fingers and looks at me with tears still looming in his eyes, and a terrified look. I guess he's scared I'll tell him to go again.
I hesitate once more as I stare into his eyes, and slowly hold out my hand and he slips on my ring.
"What if I hurt you again?" I panic as he stands up, arms around my waist.
"You won't." he assures me.
"How do you know that for sure? I couldn't live with myself if I did." I let out a shaky breath.
"Because you've never hurt me before, so how can you do it again?" the corners of his lips lift a little.
"Can I come home?" he asks after a few silent minutes of foreheads against each other and eyes closed. Soft breaths and small kisses.
"As long as you never leave. Ignore everything I say, because I was wrong. If you can deal with the fact that I might hurt you, and that I hate myself for everything I've put you through, then I want you home. I don't want to feel empty anymore." My voice cracks a few times.
"I promised you something 4 years ago, and I swear that I'll keep that promise." He says strongly.
"I will save you."