A/N: I'm so lazy lol. Schools stressful and I'm doing my HSC this year so woo...
So yeah sorry guys <3
-Em xo
Chapter 86:
"My back is killing me!" I groan as I unlock the front door.
"Well why don't I run you a warm and relaxing bath, and then give you one of my massages?" Alex suggests as he kisses my shoulder, arms around waist.
"Mmm, that sounds perfect." I say quietly.
My hand searches up and down the wall until I find the light switch. You'd think I would know where it is by now, huh?
The light comes on, blinding me for a second or two, like always.
"Surprise!" a dozen people yell out as they jump up from different areas. I jump back instantly and feel my back hit Alex's chest.
"What are you all doing here?" I laugh, looking around at the blue and pink streamers.
"We are here to throw you an amazing baby shower/engagement party." Ashley says happily, and I spot Kat next to her. Aww she came!
"You guys are so amazing." I tear up, fanning myself so I don't cry.
"Aww look who's getting all emotional." Kat coos as she hugs me.
"Shut up, it's these damn hormones." I laugh, hugging her back.
I greet everyone and thank them all, but they tell me the same thing. It was all Kat and Ashley's ideas.
"You two are so amazing." I hug them both again at the same time.
"Well you deserve it! We have great food, awesome music, fun games, and lots and lots of presents for the twins and their very deserving momma bear." Ashley says happily.
"Well have fun, because us guys are taking Alex and getting out of this baby hell." Tommy points out.
"Fine, fine. But you get him drunk Thomas and there will be no bachelor party!" Ash says sternly.
"Yes ma'am." TJ mocks, earning him a slap to the back of the head.
They all leave to head off to god knows where, and it's left with just us girls. I look around and marvel at the decorations. Pink and blue streamers twisted around each other beautifully. The same colours reaching balloons and even table cloths. The food is exquisite and most things are chocolate!
I know my midwife and doctor said to stay healthy, but come on. I'm 7 months along and craving everything. Give me a break!
"So how has everything been?" Sash asks as we all sit down.
"It's been okay I guess." I shrug, and they all share unconvinced and worried looks.
"You don't have to pretend with us, Darc. It couldn't have been easy almost losing them." Kat says.
I look down at my lap, my left hand rubbing my right one. I sigh quietly, and my eyes flick to my stomach.
"I'm scared." I say simply but honestly.
"About what?" Leila asks with a pout.
"I still can't feel them. I don't have the connection I used to. I still love them and I can't wait to be a mother, but I don't feel them. They haven't kicked since that day, and every time I wake up, I expect them to be dead. But the ultrasound every week shows they are still there. Still healthy. I just don't believe it." I shake my head.
"You need to, Darc, because it's true. They are happy and healthy and safe. Your body is a temple, and right now you are giving them life and love. As long as you keep breathing, so will they." Ashley says, placing her hands on my stomach as she smiles warmly.
"Tell me something. When you were pregnant with Cameron, could you sense when something happened? Like when he was moving, or how he was feeling?" I ask, actually wanting to know.
"Yeah, I could. I always knew what position he was in, and what organ he was using as a punching bag at that moment. It was usually my bladder. It was like I could hear his heart, even though it's not possible. I knew what he felt; I knew what he would be like when he was born. A mother knows." She agrees.
"Then you get it. My little boy is okay, I know that much. But there's something wrong with my daughter. I can feel that she's scared. Like she's worried about something. There's going to be something wrong with my delivery, I know there will. Like you said...a mother knows." I say strongly.
"You shouldn't be thinking like that. It's going to be okay." Kat says reassuringly.
"Can we not talk about this anymore? Please?" I force a small smile and change the subject.
"Yeah, of course. Why don't we start with a game?" Ashley suggests, jumping up and pulling out everything we need for whatever she's planning.
It's fun and we laugh and dance and act like idiots. But lurking in the back of my mind, is the fact that I still know something's wrong. A mother knows.
***
"Present time!" Leila claps her hands and everyone gets up to put their presents on the floor, in front of the lounge.
"First, we have one from...Sasha." Leila hands me the huge bag and I smile at Sash.
I pull out the contents and 'aww' at the cute little things. Four small bond suits for each of them, 2 pairs of adorable little matching sneakers, about a dozen pairs of socks each, and 3 bibs each. I pick up one of the little onesies and read the front.
"I get my looks from my auntie Sasha." I read out and laugh happily, as does everyone else.
"I had it specially made." She grins.
"Thank you Sash, they're perfect." I hug her tightly.
"My turn!" Brooke says happily. She hands me a bag the same size as Sasha's, and a large wrapped box.
I unpack the contents, and find a lot of adorable little clothes, ones for when they are a little bigger, bottles of all kinds, bibs, shoes, socks, beanies and hats, and some little jumpers and jackets.
I thank her gratefully and hug her tightly.
I unwrap the box as see a beautiful violet-purple diaper bag to put everything in when we go out.
"It's so beautiful." I run my fingertips along the bag and smile warmly at her.
"Once we know the names, I'm going to get them sewn into the front. Speaking of which..." she leads on, as they all lean forward a little and look at me questioningly.
"Okay, okay. Alex and I said we were going to tell you all today anyway. We've decided not to tell you middle names though, because they are kind of special." I say happily.
Picking the names was actually kind of fun. We only picked them 2 days ago, but it only took about half an hour.
*Flashback*
"Hey baby?" Alex says out of the blue as he lifts my legs to sit over his lap as he massages them soothingly.
"Yeah?" I ask, putting down my book so the pages lie open on my stomach. His fingers kneed into my swollen legs and ankles, and I grin happily, cuddling into my fiancés chest. One hand runs through my hair, the other now tracing lines on my growing belly.
"We haven't picked names yet." He pouts, leaning down to press his lips to my bare stomach before pulling my shirt back down to cover it.
"Yeah, I've been thinking about that. Have any ideas?" I ask.
"Well, as a tribute, I was thinking we could name our daughter after your mother." He suggests.
"Lilliana. I like that." I smile, nodding my head in agreement.
"We could have your mums name as one of the her middle names." I say, getting excited about the whole thing.
"One of her middle names?" he asks, confused to the notion.
"It's a tradition in my family for everyone to have two middle names. Usually the names of their grandmothers or grandfathers, depending on if the baby is a boy or a girl. What should her second middle name be?" we think for a few minutes.
He clicks his fingers and sits up a little more, a look on his face like he has the most brilliant idea in the world.
"Leila. I've always loved her name, and she's your Nan. I think it would mean a lot. But it's your choice of course." He says.
"Lilliana Isabel Leila Edwards." I say slowly, loving the name with each letter that leaves my lips.
"Perfect." He says.
"Perfect." I agree.
"What about our son?" I think about his question, and partially come up blank.
"What names do you like?" I ask.
"Well I don't mind Dylan or Jayden. I've kind of always liked Laken. I know it's a little different, but I'm happy with whatever." He shrugs.
"Laken. I like it. It's very different, but special. What about middle names?" again, we think for a few minutes.
They'll be stuck with these names for life, and I want them to mean something special. To mean love and light, and family.
"How about your dad's names?" he suggests. He's full of great ideas today!
"Laken Adam Sauli Edwards. I don't know, it just doesn't sound right." I shake my head. It just doesn't click like I want it to.
"How about..." I think for a few seconds and just throw a random idea out there.
"Laken Mitchel Eerik Edwards. Those are their middle names." I say kind of hopeful.
"I love it. Baby Lilly, and baby Laken." He leans towards me and pecks my lips a few times.
"Are we going to be like the Kardashians with all these L's?" Alex chuckles. I scrunch my nose up in disgust and quickly shake my head.
"God no. But they are twins, so L's for both is kind of fitting." I shrug, before leaning up with a grin and capturing his perfect lips.
Lilliana Isabel Leila Edwards.
Laken Mitchel Eerik Edwards.
Perfect.
*End of Flashback*
"Well?" Brooke urges.
"Lilliana and Laken. Lilly for short of course." I hope they like the names.
"Aww they're beautiful!" Kat coos and everyone agrees.
"Okay, okay. We've got the names, now can we continue the gifts?" Ash says and hands me a huge cake shaped tower.
"Oh my god! It's a diaper cake! I love these things." I say giddily as I hug it.
I quickly undo the bow and pull off the clear cellophane wrapping. The bottom layer around the outside is cloth diapers, the second is disposable ones, and the third is both. As I unravel the bundle, I see bibs, bottles, a few pacifiers, and the one thing I've wanted forever, but can't find a good one. A pump.
"Ugh, you are my hero!" I hug Ashley tight.
The rest of the day is fun and exciting, and I love them for it. Of course, I'm still worried about everything, and I can't help but think about all of those twitter comments.
So many people are supportive and excited. But a lot have leaked information about the due date and what hospital I'm going to. There's going to be paparazzi outside the hospital while I'm trying to push two watermelons out of something smaller than my fucking nostril.
Oh god that's going to hurt...
***
"Do we really have to go?" I groan.
"It will be nice. It's going to be relaxing and helpful. You'll love it." Alex parks the car and I get out hesitantly.
"Isn't it usually the girl forcing the guy to go to a birthing class?" I ask curiously.
"Yeah I guess, but we've never been normal, have we?" he laughs.
Our fingers lace together as we walk down the busy LA Street. I smile at the stars below, and read the names.
"Holy crap, is that Bruno Mars?" Alex exclaims happily, pointing across the street.
"I think so. Hold on, let me check." I pull out my phone and type a quick message.
"You have Bruno Mars' number?" he says in shock.
"Yeah." I shrug.
To: B-Dog
Paparazzi on your tail?
Don't judge, he picked his contact name, okay? I featured on his latest album, and we became close.
Alex laughs and shakes his head. My phone buzzes and I unlock it and read the message. Before I do, I look across the street and see Bruno looking around curiously. He finally spots me and waves, to which I return the action.
From: B-Dog
You know it. Do they just stand around and pray someone famous walks past?
I laugh at his text and show Alex. Hanging with Bruno was probably one of the best times of my life. Chilling in the studio and writing songs with him. Laughing and being idiots, getting creative. It was great.
"Darcy! Darcy!" I look over and see a bunch of people with cameras, some of them with TV cameras and equipment, rushing over to our side of the street.
"He didn't." I say with a growl. My phone buzzes and I look over to see Bruno smirking.
From: B-Dog
Tag, you're it.
"That asshole." I groan.
"Any of them lay a hand on you and I'll punch them again." Alex says, holding me close to him protectively.
"It will be fine. Just keep walking and ignore them." We walk a little faster.
"Darcy, what's it like knowing you're having twins?" someone asks.
"It's great." I say happily. I won't be one of 'those' people that don't talk to them. I'm not rude.
"Are you worried about something going wrong again?" that question hits me hard, and I stay quiet for a minute. I put on a fake smile and shake my head.
"I'm sure everything will be fine. They're strong and healthy. That's all we care about." I grin.
"What celebrities are going to your wedding?" another shouts.
"Besides my dad's, there will be Katy Perry, Kelly Osbourne, Bruno Mars, four amazing boys I've gotten close to because of our shared home country, Australia, 5 Seconds of Summer. Jennifer Lawrence of course, she's one of my best friends since The Grammy's. And I can't forget the amazing Brian May and Roger Taylor." I list off, hoping I haven't forgotten anyone.
"Who's designing your dress?" someone asks.
"I'll know that when I go to the dress shop and pick one. I'm not getting someone to design a dress for me. I want the experience that every other bride gets. Going to the bridal store with my family, and trying on dresses until one clicks." We reach the birthing class studio and I thank the lord.
"I'd love to stay and chat, but we have a class to get to." I quickly walk inside, pulling Alex with me.
Damn paps.
***
"Welcome to the birthing class. My name is Merissa, and I'll be guiding you through today. Everyone start by facing your partners, and hold their hands in yours." She says in one of those 'soothing' voices.
We face each other and do as she says.
"Breathe in deep through your nose, and let it out slowly through your mouth. This breathing technique also works great in labour." We do as she says and breathe slowly.
"The most important thing a partner needs to understand about the mother is that her body is a temple." Oh come on, you're going to start this hippy crap?
"She is doing the most beautiful thing a woman can do. She is nurturing and growing a human being in her body. She knows her body, and what it can and can't do. Listen to her, care for her, and make sure you know that she will only push herself as far as she can go." Okay she has a good point there, I guess.
"Look into your partners eyes, and tell her just how amazing she is, for doing what she is. Tell her you love her for making you a parent. Tell her you support her in everything she is putting her body through." She instructs.
"I love you." Alex says as everyone starts talking. I laugh at him and roll my eyes.
"I'm serious. I know she sounds a little insane, but I mean it. What you're doing really is beautiful, and you're giving me the chance to be a dad to two kids. You're going to be the best mum in the world, and no matter what happens, I'll never stop loving you. You're beautiful, kind, loving, caring, and quite frankly, hot as hell itself." He pecks my lips.
"I love you too." I smile.
"Good, good. Now, mums, turn around and sit in front of your partner." She instructs and we do as she says.
"Dad's, put your hands on those beautiful bumps, and feel the energy radiating from her. Feel the beauty of life growing within her. Think of what it will be like to have those little ones out in the big world. And think of everything you could do to make that process easier for the mums." If I have to listen to one more second of meditation hippy music, I'm going to rip my ears off.
"I don't mean to be that person, but my hormones are going crazy and that music isn't helping." A woman says from the back of the room. Lady I don't know who you are, but you're my new God.
A few others murmur a 'yeah' in agreement, including me.
"Well I'll fix that right away. This should be seen as a safe and warm environment." She smiles kindly.
She puts on a more top 40 type selection and my teeth grit as Taylor Swift starts playing. Okay yeah I'm going to kill her.
"Now can we go?" I plead Alex.
"Just ignore the music. Trust me, it will be fine." He laughs quietly, kissing my shoulder.
"When you're in that delivery room, it can be frantic and worrying. You may learn things and expect everything that can go wrong, to go wrong. But the best thing you can do is relax and go along with the journey. Your body knows what to do, and will guide you through everything. I prefer a drug free method personally, but whatever choice you make, will be the right one." She says calmly.
I thank the lord as the stupid ass song ends and an all too familiar one comes on. That's right people, I released a single. First and only song. Ever. I promise.
"I find that the best way to feel happy and healthy through your pregnancies is to eat healthy, exercise, but not too intensely, and put headphones on your bump. This will transfer music to your babies' and help with development. Nothing too aggressive, just something sweet and kind." She grins.
"She's actually pretty good. I feel relaxed." I turn my head to Alex and he smiles happily.
"I'm glad." He kisses my shoulder again.
"Okay I'm going to show you all a video of how music and other sounds of the outside world can influence a baby's development." Sounds kind of fun.
"Give us a chance to stop this god awful song." She mumbles, but my sonic hearing, and the fact we're in the front line, means I can hear her.
"I'm out." I stand up and walk out of the room.
"Where are you going?" I hear her yell out.
"You insult her music; she's going to walk out." Alex answers her.
***
"There's so many." My eyes widen as we stand in the huge baby store.
"They all look the same." Alex gazes up like I do, mouth open and an overwhelmed look on his face.
"Which one do we get?" I ask with a sigh.
"You're seriously asking the wrong person." He laughs, but it ends with a groan.
"That one looks nice." I point to a random one.
"They look more like transformers." He says in slight shock.
"Hi, can I help you with anything?" A bubbly blonde girl asks with a work uniform on for this store, her name badge reading 'Christine'.
"Uh, yeah. We're looking for a pram for our twins, and we're completely lost." I laugh nervously.
"That's not a problem. Things like this are probably the hardest things to shop for. Are you looking for more safety or comfort ability, or....?" She questions.
"Definitely safety, but we also want them to be comfortable and happy and all that." I answer.
"One of my favourites is the Bingle Holt stroller. It suits newborns and has detachable capsules for carrying them shorter distances if you're going shopping or something and you want them closer than just in a pram. As they get older, it comes out and lowers so that they are facing out to the world instead of up to you to start with." She reaches up and pulls down the large box.
"Well it looks good and I really don't want to keep shopping. So we'll take it." Alex laughs at me, and Christine nods her head, carrying it to the register.
"That will be $390." She brings up the price. Holy crap on a cracker.
I pull out my credit card, and see Alex is already paying.
"What are you doing?" I ask curiously, motioning between him and the counter.
"Buying a pram?" He says slowly, as if I have mental problems.
"No shit Sherlock. But I thought our joint cards hadn't arrived yet." I ask, confused.
"They haven't." he shakes his head with a shrug.
"Well you shouldn't be solely paying for it." I reason.
"And why not? Just let me do something for you for a change. They're our kids, the key word being 'our'. You're not doing this alone, you gotta start remembering that." He laughs with a beautiful smile.
"I guess I keep forgetting that you're not going to leave." I say quietly as Christine comes back with a random and tall guy.
"I hope it works, and if not, you can always bring it back within 30 days." Oh yeah, that helps. I'm not due for like 40 days.
The tall guy picks up the box and offers to carry it to our car. Eh, I'm not going to stop him.
I pop the boot and thank him after he packs it in. Alex drives home, and a million thoughts run through my head, but one sticks out over the others.
We get inside and I sit down in the living room, staring down at the lounge as I go into a slight day dream. Today was supposed to be happy and fun, so why does it feel like a failure? Nothing went wrong, but I feel like it's going to, or it has, or...I just don't know.
I don't understand my own thoughts. I'm getting so confused all of the time, and it's not just because I'm pregnant. It's because I'm not taking my medication. I don't know how long I can keep this up. Pretending I'm okay. I've been faking a smile every day since I stopped my meds.
I feel sick all of the time, but not physically. Emotionally I'm drained, and I'm lost, and I'm just done. 27 weeks and I'm so done.
"Baby, what's wrong?" I look up at him as he sits down and I shake my head.
"Nothing." I force a smile.
"You're crying." He pouts. I touch my cheeks and feel my left one slightly wet. I didn't even realise I was. How does that happen? How do you not notice?
"I'm fine, just tired I guess." I nod.
"Don't lie to me, please. What's wrong? I just want to help." He gives a small smile.
"I think I'm going to sleep for an hour or two." I stand up and walk toward the stairs.
"Darcy, wait." I stop in my tracks, even though I don't really want to talk or even listen to anyone or anything right now.
"Alex, I'm just tired." I assure him.
"Yeah, I know. But that's not the only thing going on. Stop hiding things from me, and tell me what's wrong." He pleads, and I get frustrated.
"Stop asking me that. I'm exhausted, I'm drained, and I'm tired. And I'm allowed to be. So just let me be, and stop worrying." I sigh as I turn and face him.
"I have tried to be patient with you. I've understood that you being off your schizophrenic medication has changed you again. I don't think of you any differently because of it, but I'm starting to get frustrated. I can't stand you lying to me anymore." He folds his arms over his chest.
"I'm not lying to you." I shake my head.
"Yes you are!" he says loudly, and I see the instant regret on his face from yelling at me.
"Ok fine, I am. But I hate this. I hate sitting here and waiting for you to leave." I say back loudly.
"Why on earth do you think I would leave?" he asks with a slightly sarcastic laugh.
"Because everyone else does!" I yell.
"Name one person in your life that has actually left you willingly? I'm sorry that you got hurt when you were younger. No one should go through that, but I doubt you can name one person who actually left you." He yells.
"I had friends before that monster hurt me! And do you honestly think you were the first person I loved?" I laugh sarcastically.
His angered emotions drop from his face to be replaced by confusion.
"What are you talking about?" he asks quietly.
"I had just turned 15, and I was at a point where I had been molested so much, that I just wanted to feel what it was like to be near a guy who didn't hurt me. I started going out with a really nice guy. He didn't know anything about what happened at home. At that point no one did. I didn't think it was possible, but I started to fall in love with him. But just 6 months into our relationship, after he told me he loved me, and I said it back, Daniel raped me. I told my boyfriend. I thought he would protect me, help me even. But he called me impure and started believing the rumours. That I wanted it to happen, that I deserved it. He said it was a mistake to ever love me, and he left. He soon joined everyone in calling me a slut and a whore. A skank even. So yeah, maybe the only people who left me were him and the dozen people I lost because of the reaper. But that doesn't mean I haven't lost someone. So when is it your turn to walk away too?" I shrug.
"I'm not going to walk away." He says, confused to the notion.
"I'm not ready for this, I never was. I love the twins, more than anything in the world. But honestly, if I had the willpower, strength and didn't think it was wrong, I would have gotten rid of them." I look down as I talk.
"What about what I wanted?" he asks quietly.
"I expected you to leave. Your career was just starting, we're still so young, and I didn't think you wanted kids yet. Just looking after Molly was hard at times from what I could see. I don't want you to leave when they are born, or close to being in this world. If you're going to go, go now." I say simply.
"No. I won't leave." He replies almost straight away.
"You don't want this." I try not to get angry or upset again.
"Don't tell me what I do and don't want!" he yells.
"Be honest with yourself. If I hadn't gotten pregnant, would we be planning it right now?" I ask, even though the answers obvious.
"Well...no, I guess not. But that doesn't mean we wouldn't eventually." He says honestly.
"I wouldn't. I didn't want kids. Maybe ever. I didn't want them to have a mother like me. Scarred, broken, useless some days." I sigh in defeat.
"I don't know what you want from me anymore." He shrugs.
"I want you to go." I whisper.
"I'm not going anywhere." He says seriously.
"Go!" I yell, finally looking at him, tears building in the floodgates of my eyes.
"That's not what you want." He says loudly.
"It's all your fault! You're the reason I'm pregnant! You're the reason I'm still alive and the reason I have to look after two kids. I don't want this. Just because I love them, doesn't mean I'm ready for them." I say angrily.
"They're my kids too, and I won't abandon them." He starts to get frustrated and impatient.
"I don't want to think right now. Just get out." I say quietly, feeling drained.
"No, I'm not leaving." He says simply.
"Get out!" I scream, tears streaming down my face.
"Darcy, please." He begs.
"Get out!" I yell again. He opens his mouth to speak, but closes it again with a sigh.
"Fine." He nods, walking to the front door.
His presence leaves the room with a slam of the door.
He's gone. And it's all my fault.