Enjoy!
For the first time since she'd been taken from the Governor's house, Sang woke alone. She stretched, her body feeling different somehow this morning. The fog of sleep lifted and with the recollection of the evening's events. She was thankful that no one was here to see her face flame in embarrassment. What must Victor think of her? She'd not just welcomed his advances, she'd taken without thought to his needs or desires. He was so gentle, and caring. A part of her felt like he'd seared himself across her skin, even as North had, though in a less visible way. She thought about that as she slipped on one of the tailored skirts Gabriel has gotten for her to wear around the ship. Victor had been so gentle, every kiss and caress light, even when he'd had his fingers inside her. North had been like a fiery, passionate blaze burning through her core. Yet, she felt as though they'd both marked her in some way as theirs.
She slipped on a white linen shirt, debating whether or not to tie up the neck properly; She always felt like she was choking when she did. It wouldn't last long anyway, the moment Luke saw it tied up, he'd undo it in a sneaky moment when she wasn't looking. That thought made her grin. Her beautiful, playful Luke. His kiss had been so much like himself, playful and sneaky. It amazed her how different they all were, how different her reactions to them were and yet, very much the same.
Picking up the ivory handled brush that had been a gift from Gabriel before they left Port O' Palm, she ran it through her hair. She'd always wondered if she was normal, or if perhaps she was one of those unusual people who simply didn't care about sex. She'd certainly never felt any desire toward the men she encountered in the past. Even seeing the antics of the other servants in the hallways of the servants quarters hadn't done more than make her wonder why they enjoyed it. These pirates, these men, though, they'd awoken her passion and she wasn't about to box it up again. If she hadn't clearly seen the guilt in Gabriel's eyes after he'd kissed her, she would never have held back.
On a gasp, the brush fell from her fingers. What - What had she just been thinking? Had she just thrown all propriety away? Did she - did she even care? She hadn't realized how much she'd changed since they'd taken her. Perhaps it wasn't a bad thing. She picked the brush up, placing it on the nearby trunk that held her clothes. She certainly was happier here than she'd ever been. She'd be even happier if she could figure out why the Captain had pulled away from her. When they'd been trapped together, she knew, without doubt, that he'd been moments from taking her. She also knew that she'd been moments from giving herself to him willingly. If Kota hadn't interrupted would things be different now? Would she even now be in the Captain's bed, in his arms? Would she ever have kissed the others? That thought saddened her, she didn't want to think about not being with them, not kissing them or any of the other things she'd done with them. Yet, she badly wanted to feel the Captain's kiss again. Zach had said he was reserved, that he'd been hurt before. She wondered if she could find out his story somehow. Her door creaked and she looked over, surprised to see Max nosing his way into the room with something, a book, clutched carefully in his mouth. He'd been spending a lot of time with Kota lately, it appeared they'd bonded on a very deep level. She didn't mind but she missed him on occasion.
He padded over and set the book on the bed next to her, then gave her hand a lick, tail wagging furiously. Sang laughed, picking up the book. She turned it over in her hands, looking for a title but finding none. It was a simple thin volume, bound in a buttery soft, dark grey leather. she opened the cover, finding neat, precise handwriting.
I may never know what truly happened and the thought kills me.
It was a diary! She searched, unsuccessfully, for a date or any indication of the age of the book. She bit her bottom lip and looked at Max apprehensively. Should she read it? What if if belonged to one of the crew, although she didn't think they'd be so careless as to leave something like this lying around if it held secrets. That first line had intriqued her though and she wanted to read more. Max wasn't any help. He simply gave her a doggie grin with his tongue lolling out of his mouth and his tail thumping happily. She sighed and rubbed his head, then stood.
"Well, Max, I'll just have to be careful about reading it. If I figure out who it belongs to I'll stop and return it. C'mon boy, let's see if we can find a secluded part of the deck to read." She made her way to the top deck, Max at her heels. After a few moments of searching, she found a break in the railing, with a ladder leading to a small balcony on the side of the ship. She settled against the ship, Max joining her by curling up at her feet. She dove into the diary, eagerly.
I may never know what truly happened and the thought kills me.
For an entire year, she was my whole world, the only light in the small, dark place I inhabited. I often wonder if it might not be worth it to try, just one more time, to find her. Then, I remember the last time, and the time before that, and the time before that. I remember the heartache when I finally give up and admit that I have no idea, no lead, no information. You would think, given the resources available through the Council, that somehow I could find some trace but I never do. She's just gone, my light, my world, snuffed out before I could help her. I have a feeling though that, no matter how difficult the inevitable outcome, I will still look, still try to find her, Because not looking, not trying, would mean that I am finally letting her go. I'm not ready for that. I'm not ready to admit that she will never again be part of my life.
Sang ran a hand through Max's soft, golden fur, seeking comfort, tears running down her cheeks. "Oh Max, I've barely started and it's so sad."
Thump,thump,thump...Max's tail against the side of the side was her only answer.
I still have no idea how everything went wrong. I'd left at sunset, as I always did. They found me that night, took me in, gave me a home, gave me a purpose. I worried. I was afraid she'd worry. I had never missed a day in a year and she was still so timid. I think, despite how young we were, that I fell in love with her; That pure, innocent type of love only the young feel. Is it so wrong of me to seek that again? To seek the purity of what I felt for her, with her? I am far from clean. Blood soaks my hands, whether it is seen or not, yet in her eyes I was a Hero, a Savior. She made me more than I was, made me want to be better, to be worthy. It is why I worked so hard during my training. Every thought, every dream, every reason was her. I drove myself at an impossible pace, knowing what I would ask when I had proved myself, and never knowing it was already too late.
It took two months and I felt every hour as a day, every day as a week. They tell me it's the fastest anyone ever made it through training. I finally got to make my request, her, under my protection, by my side, always. It was everything I'd worked for and they agreed! The day we went back to get her, I could not have been happier. I felt like I was floating, flying, flitting through the sky and I was never coming down.
Then we knocked. Then she answered. Then I crashed back to earth, like a bird with broken wings.
All we were told, before the door was firmly shut in our faces, was she'd been gone before dinner the last night I saw her. I had lost her. All I had left was the token I carried in my pocket. Even now it hangs around my neck, no one has ever seen it, no one ever will. It is far too precious.
They had assured me they'd help find her, and they have kept that promise. They've never told me to give up, never told me it was useless to find one girl in all the isles. I keep expecting that, for them to tell me it's time to stop. Mayhap they know there is no use in saying what won't be listened to. Yet, I see every time I ask, sadness clouding the eyes of the oldest ones, the ones who have been with me from the start. They wish I would stop, but they won't make me and I appreciate that more than I have expressed to them.
S. tells me I should look around me. He claims that women in every port watch me, that I could be availing myself of a great many offers. He constantly tells me to live a little, to 'lighten up', I think that's the term he uses, whatever that means. I don't want empty and meaningless though. I want her. I tried to explain it, told S. a little about it. He told me I was searching for an impossible, unrealistic ideal, that I built the memories up in my mind until it wasn't possible for anyone to live up to. I know he was trying to help, I knew it then, still I wanted to choke him for the remark.
Mayhap he's right, mayhap it wasn't as beautiful, as perfect, as I recall. Mayhap it should be just a simple, bright spot in my life and I should go on. Mayhap one day, that is all it will be. Not today.
They told me they are giving me a crew, a ship, missions. I'm to get the boys I brought in and I am thankful for that. I already see them as brothers, as family, united as we are in similiar pasts, similiar pain. S. will naturaully be with us as well. I believe that is what is making me nostalgic. Life is changing, moving forward and S. tells me I am too mired in my past. I'll need to put it aside, in some way. There won't be as much time to search if I am captaining a crew of my own. This may have been the last time I can search this way.
For now, she'll live here, in the pages between these covers. Every memory I have, whenever I need them. It's all I can do for now. I'll never give up though. She's all I ever wanted, then and now. I can't see anyone else. No one else will ever mean as much to me, touch me so deeply.
I will never love anyone else.
I wish she was here, to kiss, to hold, to adore, to simply be mine.
"Sang?" Sang started, closed the diary quickly and tucked it against her side as Kota descended the ladder. "Luke claimed he seen ye come..." He faltered as his eyes found her tear stained face, saw Max's head in her lap, her hand stroking his head even as she sniffled. "What be the matter?" She couldn't speak, too overwhelmed by the sadness, the emotion of the diary. Whose diary was it? Which one of her pirates held such love in his heart? Kota's eyes found the book and he gave a small, understanding smile. "Mayhap, som'ting ye read, aye?" Sang nodded, trying to pull herself together and finding it immpossible. Kota knelt in front of her, took her face in his hands, running his thumbs across her cheeks gently.
"Oh love, ye're a sensitive one aren't ye? 'Tis alright. 'tis only a story, love. Ever'ting works out in the end." Sang shook her head. It wasn't a story, and there was no guarantee of a happy ending.
"Shh...'tis alright, Sang," Kota whispered softly. His face was mere inches from hers and she swallowed a sob. He wiped away a tear, then pressed his lips to the spot on her cheek. Her breath caught and he stilled, pulled back just enough to see her, then softly pressed his lip to hers. It was soft, easy, gentle, even when she parted her lips and invited him in. The runaway passions of the previous evenings was nowhere to be found. Oh, she wanted him, wanted his hands on her, wanted to know what he was like when lost to passion but she'd needed this. The gentle comfort, security, loving. The reassurance that he was here, with her, for her. Somehow he knew that, picking her up and wrapping her legs around his waist, her arms around his neck. He broke the kiss only to climb the ladder with her clinging to him. He carried her back to her room, laid her down on her bunk, then drew her against him, holding her and giving her soft, reassuring kisses until she finally fell asleep.