CHAPTER 17
CONTROL
"WHAT WAS GOING THROUGH YOUR HEAD?"
Kylo's eyes casted downward to the floor as he listened to his supreme leader's harsh words. He stood in front of the old hologram, holding his helmet tightly between his hands, which he had no time to wash before Snoke ordered to see him. He stared at his digits as the supreme leader continued with his rant, staring at the blood crusted underneath his nails in pure agony.
He wondered about Raena's state of health immensely.
"YOU COULD'VE COMPROMISED OUR ENTIRE MISSION!" Snoke hollered, leaning forward in his stone chair. "Are you even listening?"
The commander nodded, "Of course."
"Then, please," Snoke gestured to him, "explain to me your reasoning for completely disregarding our plan to save Officer Nhagy."
Kylo shrugged his shoulders, lifting his orbs finally. "When she was wounded, my instinct told myself that the First Order couldn't lose her. I was concerned more for the team, than the death of just a Resistance leader on a junkyard base – whom of which was still killed. The mission was successful."
"It could've gone wrong so easily, too."
Another shrug of his shoulders.
Snoke let out a gruff sound. "I don't want anymore slow answers, Ren." He ordered. "I now know what's going on: you're starting to care, aren't you?"
"I'm not –"
"DON'T LIE!"
Kylo sighed with a shake of his head, giving up the fight. "It's all coming back. I don't know how to stop it." He wasn't lying, but he also wasn't telling the whole truth.
"Perhaps to continue your training and help you with your case, you must be tested. Killing Han Solo was only the first step. Your problem will be solved – am I sure of this – if you plan the death of another important member of the Resistance."
The commander raised a brow, various names of Resistance members flooding his brain. "Who?"
"Your mother."
•••
The medics told her that they needed to test her blood content before she was able to leave.
Raena sighed as her blood was taken by an unknown nurse, who soon walked out of the room to test the sample. She had woken from her deep slumber earlier than expected, thanks to the help of the medics on board. Her side hurt immensely, and she noticed the shot was just shy of the one she received two years ago from the old scavenger girl's friend after the death of Han Solo.
The nurse returned finally, unhooking her from the medical equipment located around her without another comment. "Am I free to leave?" The blonde asked quickly.
"Yes," the nurse nodded as Raena sat up. "Everything should be fine now; just don't move your side too thoroughly and take the bandage off in about a week."
Raena nodded at her instructions, her digits brushing against the paper bandage on her hip.
"You're lucky to be alive – remember that," the nurse continued when Raena glanced her way. "If Commander Ren hadn't applied that instant pressure on your wound, you would've lost too much blood. He almost compromised the whole mission, I heard."
Her words sunk into Raena's mind as the assassin walked out of the medical corridor, eying the blood still coloring her fingertips. She hadn't been looking and found herself running into General Hux, who suddenly put his hands on her shoulders.
"Things could've gone so badly, Nhagy," he muttered, almost awestruck. "I can't believe you're alive."
She looked around the hall. "Well, I am alive. No need to worry."
"Please," he pointed down the hall, "head back to your quarters and rest for the night. No training shall be needed for today. You deserve some time."
She wrinkled her nose at the general's kind attitude, slowly walking past him with narrowed eyes. Everyone seemed to be so far up her ass since she awoken. Did her near-death-experience almost affect all the crew? She didn't understand why. Sacrifices for the First Order happened everyday; why was hers so special?
Her mind told her it was because it wasn't for the First Order, but for the man who stole her heart.
She knew she couldn't sleep now after her whole ordeal (though a shower did call her name quite loudly), so she headed the only place she wanted to go. She strode down the familiar hallway that located the commander's chambers, which she noticed – for some odd reason – already had it's door cracked for anyone to walk in. With a furrowed brow, she approached the entry way, leaning on its frame as she saw him sitting, his back facing her.
He was speaking to the damn Vader helmet.
"Forgive me, but I must speak to someone who will actually listen," he whispered to the disfigured object. "Something is wrong with me. It's taken me weeks, but I've finally be able to figure it out.
"I realized my ability to care has resurfaced. I can't control it; I can't stop it, but I also couldn't want anything less to stop. You see, grandfather, I have developed ... feelings – to say the least – for Officer Nhagy. And it's not just simple lust – which I thought I had the ability to conquer, but she has proved that wrong as well. These are full-fledged feelings that won't seem to vanish, so I have learned to live with them."
He walked away from his seat, picking up a small mirror he place on a table close to him. Raena was surprised at seeing this, because she had noticed that Kylo had the habit of going weeks without looking at himself in the mirror. It confused her, but when she asked, he only told her that every time he tried to look at himself, he became disappointed from no apparent reason.
With a sigh, he continued, "I have tried and tried again to not let my feelings get in the way of my own judgment and training, but it has never been more difficult. I want to keep her around. I have never felt saner and recognized around anyone besides her. She understands, grandfather. I must find a way to not let this care get in the way of my power, but I can feel the Light returning because of this.
"I admire your rule – trust me, I respect it more than anything in the galaxy. But I do not want to repeat the end of you and Queen Padmé. I need –"
Raena's foot slipped and squeaked on the edge of the door.
Kylo immediately looked over from where he stood. The mask stared her down intensely, but the face underneath softened at the sight of her. She was alive; his love was really alive and well. His hand gestured for her to come forth as he used the other to take his own helmet off.
She bit the edge of her nail as she shut his door fully. "Sorry, I didn't mean to –"
His arms wrapped around her torso instantaneously, tightly leaning himself against her. She nuzzled her cheek into his chest, breathing in his heavy scent as he did the same to her. The form of her body fit so well in his, their heights almost similar. Kylo had never been so happy at someone being alive before, and happiness had never exactly been a virtue for him.
"There is a god," he breathed out against her hair, kissing the top of her head.
She nodded against his tunic.
His eyes flashed open at the memory that plagued his mind: before the mission, he had promised to tell her everything. Was he ready to go through with something like this? He hadn't spoken about his former self since ... never, actually. She had explained herself just days ago, so it was only fair, but when was he someone who cared for fairness? Maybe he was overthinking his –
"My former identity was Ben Solo."
She leaned slightly away from him, looking up at him with confused orbs. Before she could ask, she suddenly remembered his promise.
He took her hand, guiding her over to his window before taking a seat next to her on the carpeted floor. Her hand never left his as she weaved her fingers with his own, waiting patiently for him to continue.
He cleared his throat, "Ben Solo was a weak man ..."
•••
Raena had never heard the commander speak so much throughout her whole time of knowing him, and she sat beside him, contently listening to his harsh past.
He spoke to her of his home life, how it had been ordinary until he found his Force-sensitive abilities. Thinking that it was for the best, his father had sent him away to his uncle's training academy, where he was trying to breed the new generation of Jedi. He had found the darkness within him early and became obsessed with his grandfather's legacy, all the while trying to keep himself in tact with his best friend, Elissa. He ended up driving himself mad, but he was glad that it happened. He didn't want to be Ben Solo anymore, and to test himself, he finally gave in to the Vader inside of him.
There had been a day – the darkest of the year – that he had become the person he needed to be. It had all happened during the night hours at the academy, where he had woken up early and snatched his lightsaber at the sight of someone by his bed side. It was his uncle, holding a lightsaber above his head, ready to kill. Through a great display of the Force, he destroyed the building around them and thought he took his Jedi master in it's wake. He then went to every corridor and every room, killing all of the padawans and leaving the Jedi temple in ashes. Elissa had been the last and tried to convince him of the error of his ways, but her concern had annoyed him. He turned on her, stabbing her lifeless body multiple times until his anger flushed out of his system. He was finally free.
His uncle, Luke Skywalker, had managed to get away, but Kylo needed to find him once again. Luke had no more aspirations after that day; his hopes to create the new Jedi were crushed when they all had so simply fallen to the darkness of his own nephew.
Since that day, he had become Kylo Ren, the ruthless leader of the Knights of Ren. He had constructed his own cross-guard light saber by using a cracked kyber crystal. He knew there had to be more Jedi throughout the galaxy, hiding from him, and he swore he would eliminate them all until the day he died. Kylo hadn't felt anything but numbness since his last day at the Jedi temple, so that was his reason why he had been so shocked at the new presence of Raena in his life. He wasn't used to the feeling of his heart melting at the sight of someone else, and he knew that as long as he loved her, he would constantly battle with the darkness within him.
Raena had blinked at his words, speaking for the first time in hours, "You love me?"
His answer was stern, but simple: "I may act heartless, but I still have a legitimate heart."
She wanted to believe that she had helped him; that she, just a former bounty hunter, had been able to make Kylo Ren fall in love. But to believe that was to believe a lie. As much as she wanted to deem herself such a high honor as that, she knew that the man who had loved her was never Kylo Ren. When he was around her, he was really Ben Solo, as much as he tried to suppress the identity. He was no longer the dark leader of the First Order, he was someone much different.
Their connection to the relationship of Anakin Skywalker and Queen Padmé Amidala had never been more uncanny.
She stood, her mind pondering the thoughts she had just retrieved. She could never tell him any of those. He followed her movements, murmuring, "Did I upset you?"
"No," she shook her head, turning to face him, "I'm just thinking."
"You're thinking about Ben Solo," he replied, answering her thoughts, "and how you believe me to still be him. I can assure you, I am not."
She hit his chest, her brows furrowing at his words. "Stop doing that! I cannot take it when you read my thoughts. Control yourself."
"I can't around you."
Looking away, Raena bit the inside of her cheek. She felt something different at the sudden information. Something was coming, and all this news would soon mean a lot. "I'm just afraid."
"Have faith," he grabbed her hand, pulling her close once again. "Everything will soon be set right."
Raena smiled the slightest bit, sighing at his response. Kylo's thumb began to caress her cheek as he looked down at her wide hazel eyes. "I don't want to love you," he murmured against her lips, causing a shiver to run down her spine, "but I do."
She wanted to believe it, but the underlying thought that she was talking to Ben Solo and not her superior wouldn't cease. The multiple identities were making her puzzled beyond compare.
"Sorry about that," she smirked before he pressed his lips onto hers roughly. Their mouths molded to each other's, breathing uneven as he gripped her cheeks with his calloused hands. His tongue prodded her bottom lip and she allowed it entrance, but not before fighting it off.
She leaned away, sending him a sneer before gaining confidence in herself. She sent her hand low, grabbing his hand and pressing it hard against his chest. A sly grin grew on both of their faces as they stared each other down, giving Raena a moment to mutter, "I win."
Kylo felt the heat rush to his face, cascading like a wave throughout his entire body. A feeling like this had never once occurred before, and he casually formed their mouths together once again.
Her hands were soft yet calloused as they ruffled his hair. He felt his breath become uneven and his mouth grow sore just from the hard press of her lips against his own. To say that he hadn't felt such an intense wave of emotions in a long time was an understatement, and it showed when he presumably shoved their entangled bodies against a wall. Tongue sliding into her mouth, her breathing began to match his own as his large hands wandered amongst her neck.
With her body pressed against his own, he couldn't help the sudden peak of anger that she managed to make this certain feeling of lust return. But like all other times, he dismissed it. To feel her hips grinding against his own and enjoy it was something else. Or maybe he just enjoyed feeling in general.
And as she wrapped her legs around his torso, Kylo Ren had never been happier to be content with his feelings for at least one night.
•••
A/N: OKAY I'm bad at smut so sorry there's so little action in this but I PROMISE in like the second to last chapter of the book that there is a small, very-badly-written smut scene in there
PS: PEEP AT THE MANY ANAKIN/PADMÉ REFERENCES I THREW IN