"Tama na kuya, please! Please kuya!"
At first I wasn't sure if he had heard me or if I said it aloud because my brain was screaming, reeling high on too much adrenaline, more so when my brother was about to tackle Maven, viciously and appearing murderous as seconds tick.
I came right in between them, making him halt as he stood there rigidly. I stifled the spurt of dread with the prospect of confronting my older brother.
Kuya Elliot gave me a sharp look as dread slunk down the pit of my stomach. His appearance was just terrifying and he looked somber and gruesome.
With disconcerting look on him, he asked, "Desde cuándo, Adrianna?"
Since when, he asked. I'd like to ask the same thing. When did it all start?
My hands were shaking, and I saw dark spots around the rims of my eyes. Explaining my self to him right at this moment was like walking into a construction zone-- messy and just a little bit dangerous.
"I'm sorry, kuya." I said meekly. I tried to reach for him and touched his arm but kuya Elliot flung himself away from me.
Breathe, Adrianna.
Breathe
"I said, when?" He said in a voice that made me flinched but he didn't wait for my answer as he took a step closer until we stood face-to-face.
He put his hands on me and drew me close, his nails digging to my skin painfully as he shook my shoulders "Kailan?! Kailan pang pang-gagago na 'to?"
My heart started hitting my chest so hard that it felt like it's going to leap out of my ribcage. I fidgeted for a second under his gaze. My hands shook as my chin trembled in fear before saying, "A .. a year now"
"A year?!" He clenched his jaw as he turned, tilting his head toward me and blinked the pissed-off hazel eyes at me. I saw how the pulse drummed in his temple and how he grounded his teeth as the wrath took over. "Wow! You've been lying to us-to mom especially-for a year?! How could you listen to your own lie to the point you can still distinguish the truth within and around you and for a year?!"
"Hey, pare!" Maven suddenly came in front of me, dragging me behind his back as if that was enough to protect me from my brother's assault. Kuya Elliot might've punched me instead and it would hurt less than his words in that moment.
"Dahan dahan naman." Maven calmly began, "Don't talk to my girl that way"
I peered at my older brother over Maven's shoulders and I watched how he clenched his fist as if ready to pounce once again.
"Hah!" Kuya Elliot snarled. His face was dark--Dark and stormy as the sky. Worse than the dark, his face appeared surprise, perhaps, caught off guard by what Maven had said.
"Isa ka pang ugok ka eh!" Kuya Elliot burst out and for a moment, I was afraid for Maven. I've never seen him this angry before, not this way."Of all girls you could bang, it has to be my sister"
"I wont apologize for what I felt for your sister." Maven said and it was one of the rare moments that he held his tongue politely as he rolled right off the rudeness of my brother. "I don't owe you an explanation but I love Adrianna"
I saw how a pulse drummed over my older brother's temple as wrath consumed him, his entire being shook.
His eyes landed on me and shook his head before he gritted his teeth and turned to Maven. His eyes spoke the eagerness of him to shove Maven out of the front door and kick my boyfriend in the face as he exclaimed, "Tarantado ka pala eh!!"
My eyes filled with tears at the sight of them fighting. Suddenly, I was brought back to what had befallen over my Dad's ball party. The same hell-bent fury and pump-up frustration that brought the same twist in my heart but this time, it was Kuya Elliot and Maven. And it doubled the pain just by standing there and looking at them.
My voice choked up a bit as I pleaded "Kuya please! Tama na!"
"Baby" Maven came up behind me. He slid an arm around my waist and tugged me back into him. "Don't insult me by protecting me against your brother. I could take it from here"
"Wow!" My older brother's eyes were sort of shadowed but certainly murderous "Nakakasuka tong mga naririnig ko" He threw his hands but his eyes remained on us and it had narrowed into tight slits, and ready to kill and he appeared too eager to beat Maven, his jaw was clenched tight with it.
"Dios mio, Adrianna! Do you even know what you're doing? Este pendejo, of all people!" He looked at me for a second, all colors of disappointment painted over his eyes. I couldn't even look back at him for more than a second, the intensity was unbearable for me.
Then he shook his head. "A De Talavera, what a taste you've got right there! The scandal a week ago crushed mom and now, imagine.. imagine what she would say to this if she finds out"
I gasped, my mind reeling, my stomach clenched into a tight knot and my heart stopped. And then started again.
I stood there, silent a thought occurred to me then, I closed my eyes as I swallowed a lump that swelled in my throat. Horrible memories seemed to remain so vividly yet with clarity in my mind. A thought of my mother slitting her own throat before she drown her self on her tub, it was the horrible thought that came flashing before my eyes.
"Kuya.. kuya please." I gruffly spoke as my eyes sting with tears. I swallowed, and took a breath as I added, "Please I beg of you, please don't let mom hear about this. It would ruin her"
"Que tonta!" He said but hesitated for a second before his expression turned more sour, looking angrier as he spoke, his sarcasm dripping "You should've thought about that before you do something as stupid as this!"
"Kuya. Please kuya, I'll do anything-everything just please. Please don't take this away from me. Not now, not this time." My hands were gripping my brother's forearm for support as more tears were dripping out of my eyes, "It's the only thing that makes me happy. It's the only thing that makes me whole. It's the only thing I ask of you----him, kuya."
"Dri, baby" I heard Maven from behind me as he held out his fingers and placed them on the hollow of my throat, where my pulse beat madly. His hands laid atop of my stomach to pull me back to him "You don't need to beg"
"Puñeta!" My brother bit out, pushing Maven from me as he bristled and swiftly charged on him so fast that the rest of whatever gibberish and profanity came out of his mouth, sounded like a loon but I stood still, blocking him, braving his wrath.
"You stay out of this, you asshole!" He said, pointing his forefinger at Maven as he added, his face hardening some more "This is all because of you! If you stayed away.."
"Please kuya, tama na!" I pushed into his chest as I squeezed my self in between them and put as much distance as possible "It's not him. If there's anyone out there to be blame then blame me, call me names, cuss me to hell and back.. just please, I beg you let this secret stay the way it is" I said.
The trepidation was gone from my voice, replaced by steely determination and urgency that both my older brother and Maven turned to look at me.
"Do you know what you're asking of me, Adrianna?" Kuya Elliot spoke and there was anger and frustration in his words. His forehead crinkled as if figuring me out like one of those crossword puzzle he used to fill. He looked at me with those eyes, sharp as as dagger when he asked. "Do you really feel strongly about this asshole that you're willing to sink low and ask this from me? Dri, this thing you're doing-"
"I know." I looked down, my hair falling over my face as I said, my voice coming out as a whisper, "I know, kuya but I love him"
I watched how all sort of emotion concurred on his face before he rubbed his eyes and glanced around. His eyes jumping from Maven and I in disbelief. Suddenly, he appeared paler and more tired than the usual. "Lo dijo de labios para fuera! You certainly don't mean that, Adrianna"
"Kuya, por favor escucha!" I said, my voice sounding suffocated as each resonance heaved my lungs "Please listen and listen carefully-- I love him."
My older brother looked at me with worried expression before it slid away and an obvious disappointment took over his face over what he had heard.
"That can't be possible!" He stared at me with so much stupefaction as he shook his head to forestall me, "You and him can't be possible. Just because you had him inside of you, doesn't mean it's love"
I flinched at the way my older brother had put it in his own crude words which made my voice ominously lowered as I said, "I know that you're not supposed to love someone that you can't have. Maybe you're right, maybe it's not love but when I think about him, every time I think about him, it wasn't plainly just love. It's like I walked into a house and suddenly I knew I'm home."
"Adrianna, my little sister" He stared after me, his emotions veering between bitterness and hatred as he bit out each words "the supposedly perfect granddaughter, hiding a secret as big as this, going to the extent of lying in front of her family and for what? A quick roll in the hay? A stupid I love yous coming from this pendejo?"
I opened my mouth, but my older brother raised his palm which shut me up. "Do you honestly think you could keep this forever? Don't be stupid, Adrianna!" He glowered at me as he added, "It's not going to happen!"
"I know, kuya." I said as I lowered my voice but still stared at him, my mind in paralyzed chaos. "I know there will come a time that it'll end. There is an end to this sweet torture but even if there's none, then I will live with this pain. I will own it until it will become a part of me"
"This idealism astounds me, Adrianna!" My older brother exclaimed, hurt and indignant. "Your faith and optimism over this is so bright that it's borderline hopeful to being irrational and foolish! Esto es estúpido!" He slammed his fist over the wall.
His fist shook along with his entire limbs. He casted a sharp look as he demanded almost angrily. "You're supposed to be the smarter sibling. You're supposed to know it, of all people, that this thing you're doing is beyond redemption. I've told you! I've told you ahead to stay away from this pendejo!"
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." I said in a muffled voice. I put my hand on his shoulder but he shrugged me off as he looked at me.
"I did, kuya and I wish I had got over things and people quicker. I tried and fought it hard and I fought it well but I can't --or I won't. I've waited for this feeling to go away but they won't. They haunt me even in my sleep." I said weakly, as inexplicable twinge of apprehension took over.
More tears trickling down my cheeks as my voice croaked "It's raw, it's maddening, it's all-encompassing---it's everything. He's my other half and what I considered that brought out the best part of my self. I felt incomplete when he wasn't around, and when he was near, it was like everything felt right again."
I cried, leaning my palms over him to steady myself but I fell and crumbled over my knees, begging as I looked up at him.
"I never wanted anything this badly before. I beg you of you, kuya." My voice shook at the end as more tears rolled down to my cheeks it momentarily struck dumb my older brother as I continued to plead my cause, my heart, my everything. "Kahit ngayon lang, kahit ngayon lang pagbigyan mo naman ako. Ibigay mo na sa akin si Maven"
"Tumayo ka dyan!" He said with withering contempt, when I didn't budge he yanked my arm up as he lifted me up. He looked down at my face with unbidden scorn. His fingers dug as his iron grip tighten around my arm.
"Ten years ago, I was in the same situation with Dad." It felt like my sense of peace drain away, watching him.
I always had that image of him, cool, looking powerful, almost aloof, and completely self-assured but right now, he looked tired, older and more like Dad for a second as I blinked.
"Funny how ten years later, here I am now" His voice rising with a mixture of anger and hysterical laughter. He looked hurt, bitter and sharp before he added, "but this time, with my little sister and another De Talavera."
He met my eyes then he shook his head, looking up as he said "Fate might be having the biggest joke on me now huh?"
His chin jerked at Maven's direction and they both stared at each other for three, maybe four seconds. "I think I needed a stick or two or maybe a box of it. I need to let the steam off. This is too much for me"
Then Kuya Elliot shook himself, dug on to his pocket for his cig and spun around, leaving Maven and I to our selves.
I put my hands to my head and pressed for a moment because it felt as if my skull has been squeezed, like the pulp of a too-ripe plum. Maven walked closer, until his hands had reached me and he had me in a heartbeat.
Pulling back, he put his palms on either side of my face as he took me in before he asked, "Are you okay?"
I nodded at him before I said "I'm sorry about kuya Elliot. He's a good man, despite his flaws and sometimes irritating habits"
He took my shaking hand, and put it back on his warm chest. He bent his head down and had pressed an affectionate kiss on my forehead and I shuddered as I felt his hands traveled up my back.
"I know." He said "I understand. He's only looking out for you and I can't fault him over that"
"Bakit di ka lumaban?"
His coal-dark eyes found my hazel ones, and held as he asked, "What kind of question is that?"
"Obviously, that kind that needed an answer. I've seen you throw vicious punch over your cousin. You could've defend your self"
"I could but I chose you." He smiled but it was so different, it was sad, a far cry from his usual arrogant twitch over his lips. He covered my hand with his and squeezing it affectionately as he added, "I don't like seeing you hurt again while you're being torn apart, watching us fight"
He lifted my hand and brought it to his chest, over his heart. I felt each beat of it, strong and steady and it made me feel better "That night on your father's birthday was enough"
I could walk away from this, right now. I could walk away from this terrible chaotic happening. But I looked at Maven and my resolve of walking away was quickly forgotten because walking away would mean that I'll walk out from the love that I've waited and the person who made me smile until my cheeks hurt, the person who made me laugh until I cry and had loved me through everything.
I want these feelings forever because it's too great to let go and, so was Maven. If this was a sin then I now know I'm 6-feet down below this predicament, that heaven won't be able to help me now.
When things are going through hell, I'd like to think that this only meant to put our love to test and I will fight for the both of us. I would fight just as viciously as he did.
I will fight for us every day, and I will continue to because there were still chapters left to write our book. Maybe this was how extraordinarily love was supposed to feel like. It was not easy. It was not meant to be easy but it's going to be worth it.
"Qué dulce, De Talavera!"
I whipped around and found my brother, calmer than awhile ago. He was leaning by the wall next to my divider with grim look on his face.
"How fcking sweet is that?" Kuya Elliot said as he straightened and turned, shoving his hands deep in his pockets, his eyes meeting mine before shifting over Maven.
"I still don't like you, no, that's not the word." Kuya Elliot began "I loathe every single one of you De Talaveras with every fiber of my being, more so, now, you have my sister wrapped around your fingers. I'm this close to losing my shit and beating you to pulp. I couldn't even stand the thought of you and my sister without having the urge to squeeze the life out of you. Even though it pains me to know about it, I will tolerate you" He said, his face did not give anything away. It was blank, blank like the sea after a storm. He took a breath, finally. His chest rose and fell as he added, "because .. my sister asked me to"
"Kuya Elliot" I caught him in a fierce hug. He went very still, and then relaxed. "You'll.. you'll do it?"
My arms fell away and I bristled on my older brother's cold demeanor. He took a step back, crossed his arms as I watched how anger slowly fizzled out and glared at me.
"Only for the time being. I'm not some magic switch and all of a sudden, I'll have to act differently than I always have. I still don't like him. And the moment our family finds out, I know nothing. Wala akong narinig, wala akong nakita."
"Don't worry, Elliot." Maven said, the relief in his eyes equally mirrored mine "I know how you feel. Ate Cam put me on the same position years ago"
"Well, what do you know?" Kuya Elliot said succinctly, not looking at me but his angry eyes studied Maven. His eyes were sort of keen, and restless as he added, "Now that explains the shaving cream over your sink and that extra toothbrush."
I watched how my older brother closed his eyes, raked his fingers over his tresses and inhaled deeply. "One tear, just one tear from Adrianna, Maven, babasagin ko bungo mo and don't expect we'll share beers and watch football together while you're at it because that's not going to happen"
At least, it was a start