When Aaron's mother finally comes back, we help her put the groceries away before she leaves with Zoe to go a friend's house. I sit down on the barstool at the kitchen island and Aaron goes behind it and stands right across from me. Two years ago, we used to study like this – just that he sat on a bar stool as well. The kitchen island would be covered with books and papers and we would try our best to focus and actually study. But now we're here, discussing things that shouldn't have to be discussed. Discussing things that shouldn't mean anything anymore.
"I missed your mum." I say to loosen up the tension that has been going on between us. The person Aaron is, he doesn't seem to mind the tension and even makes it more uncomfortable when he gets straight to the point.
"We both need to talk about something. The question is, who's going to start." He bends down and holds his upper body up with his elbows on the kitchen island.
"You."
I want to hear what he has to stay before I even start. What if I took it all wrong and he gets mad when I accuse him for still not being over me. I mean, even though every sign says that he still is not over me, what if he just fell in love with me again after he got over me when we broke up? Do I even make sense? I feel like I don't. He has to start, so I can clear my mind and make a plan, a strategy.
"Are you okay? You're shaking your head constantly?" He asks and I nod. I didn't even notice that I shake my head.
"I'm okay. Start." I tell him and already know that he's going to say something about my stubbornness.
He sighs. "Stubborn, Olive."
Called it!, I think and look down to my lap. I take a deep breath before I face him again. There used to be a time, where I felt something looking into his face. Now there's just normal feelings like I have towards Sam or Calum. As if his face isn't the same face anymore. The face that I used to love. The green eyes that I loved, the brown hair that I used to run my fingers through, are all irrelevant to me now.
"Don't call me Olive." I tell him. There was the time where I used to like it, hearing it out of his mouth, but now I don't anymore. Only people that are very close to me or family can call me that. Aaron doesn't count to those kind of people.
"But I'm your friend." He half smiles.
"and my ex." I bite my lip, knowing that that hurt him. I feel mean even though I don't really have to. I just said the truth. He's my ex and that's a fact.
"Touche. "He chuckles, making me laugh quietly too. Why can't we be just friends? It's easy for me but hard for him. He never got over it, I guess, and that's my fault.
"Just start already." I roll my eyes at him take a deep breath.
He clears his throat and takes a deep breath as well. "I-I already told you that I love you, Olivia and that's a fact. I can't change my feelings for you even though I want to. I want to have feelings towards Hannah and I do... but they aren't as strong as my feelings towards you."
"What are your feelings? I mean, yeah, you love me, but why? Aaron, I have been nothing but a friend to you ever since we broke up. I told you, made it clear that I just want to be friends." I have to hold myself back, so my voice doesn't raise and I start to get louder. I just want this to be a normal, civilized conversation. I didn't came over here to fight. I came here to make things clear, so I can live my life without having to worry about him and his feelings.
"I never stopped loving you, Olivia." Aaron says and my heart skips a beat. "I never stopped. I just couldn't. Trust me, I tried. But nothing... nothing worked."
I'm speechless. I kinda knew that he would say something like that but I wasn't completely sure. A little bit of me told me, still hoped, that he actually doesn't love me and that he got over me a long time ago. Admittedly, it was naive to think that like that.
"I'm sorry." is all I can say.
"You don't have to be sorry, Olivia." He says and reaches his hand out. He rubs my upper arm and I just look at his hand on me.
"But I am." I mutter quietly.
"Just tell me one thing... why Niall?" He takes his hand back as my eyes widen. "Why Niall? You broke up with me because of school but now you're with Niall even though you're in university. Uni is way harder, but still you're with him. I know we kinda talked about this already but I just can't figure you out. You said that Niall has become your priority next to school and family. So why couldn't I, Olivia? Why didn't I become a priority to you when we were together? You love Niall, but didn't you love me too?"
If I'm honest to him and to myself, he might start to hate me and I might hate myself for it too.
I'm about to open my mouth and say the truth but then my throat dries out when he says something I would have never excepted from him.
"Why Niall? Is he because he's famous? Rich? In One Direction?"
"You... you just not say that." I shake my head repeatedly, not believing the words that he just said. He should know me. We've been friends for so many years now. He should know better, know that I'm not like that.
"Is it because you can get famous through him? Publish your novel, get more readers?" As the words leave his mouth, my anger builds up.
"No! No it's not because of the fame and money, Aaron. You should fucking know me. Fucking know that I'm not like that." I raise my voice, not able to hold it in anymore, not able to control myself. He crossed the line and I'm done. Within seconds my plan to have a normal, civilized conversation with him changes. I don't care anymore. He crossed the line and there's no going back. People can say whatever they want about me, but not Aaron.
"I know but tell me why him and not me?!" Aaron raises his voice as well and I can feel tears building up.
"I don't even know myself, Aaron! Okay?! I don't even know myself... It's-it's just that I love Niall. I love Niall for everything. Yes, he gave me more pain than I ever felt during the last two years, but he also gave me more happiness than I've ever felt for my entire life! Listen, I don't know what it is about Niall that makes me love him so much, makes me accept all the up and downs, makes me go through everything just because I want to be with him at the end. I can't explain why, I mean, probably no one can. Can you? Can you, Aaron?" A tear rolls down my cheek and my knees feel wobbly.
Aaron is speechless and can't say anything. I stand up and run my fingers though my hair.
"I just can't explain anything anymore. I just don't know anything anymore. What is my life? I can't figure it out! But I don't care. Because I'm happy. I'm happy and that's all that matters to me." I wipe my tears away. Aaron takes one step closer but I step back and look down.
"Olivia... please don't cry." He says and reaches his hand out for me but I pull back.
"Too late." I mumble and take a deep breath.
"Olivia...please." He takes one step towards me and I can't step back or else I bump against the table. "Olivia..." His voice is just a whisper and I feel his breath on my nose as he moves closer and kisses me.
I pull away as soon as his lips hit mine and slap his cheek. "What is fucking wrong with you?!" I yell and step to the side, the only way to get away from him.
"Olivia..." He takes my hand but I pull it away.
"I'm with Niall. I love Niall!" I yell, still shocked.
"No you don't." He rolls his eyes at me and then it's done for me.
"You're sick!" I yell at him and run out. I just run and ignore everything around me. The front door opens and Aaron's dad comes in.
"Olivia, what's wrong?" He asks. I just shake my head and run pass him out into the cold. I leave my jacket there and just run away.
I don't know where I'm running to, but I'm not running back home. My feet just carry me away as tears stream down my face. What is my life? I ask myself as I run in the cold. And because life hates me apparently and the cold winter air isn't enough, it starts to rain and show at the same time. It feels like the temperature just dropped to minus 10°c. Everything around me becomes blurry in front of my eyes. I just run and don't stop.
I don't know if running every Saturday helps my situation or not. I don't get tired, don't stop running and I don't know if that's a good thing or not. I don't know anything right now. Everything is just a up and down, a rollercoaster.
When my breath becomes heavy, my feet just stop and I find myself in a park. It's near a big building 'Gravity Climbing Centre', it says on the sign above big entrance doors. I don't know if I've ever been here before, but that doesn't matter anyway. I go into the park, as it's still raining, and sit down on the swings. My head hurts, tears still roll down my cheeks and I don't know what do to now. I don't want to go home.
It's freezing cold and I don't have my jacket with me. I don't really realize what I do until it's too late. My finger already unlocked my phone and I call Niall.
"Olivia!" Niall sounds happy that I call him but that quickly changes when he hears that I'm crying. "Are you crying? What happened?" He instantly asks.
"Niall... I-I don't know where I am." I tell him and wipe my tears away which is completely unnecessary because new tears just stream down my cheeks.
"What do you mean you don't know where you are? Tell-tell me what you see, princess." He exclaims and I hear that he's moving around, rushing out of his parents house.
"I-I don't know... I'm near a building, in a park." I whine and have to take deep breaths between each word. "Gravity Climbing Centre."
"I'm on my way!" Niall says and I running down the stairs of his parents house.
"Please hurry." I say before my phone turns itself off.
To be continued in 'Fate of our life'...
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All the love, C xx