7. I don't like what I saw
Angel. Then with all the numbness that I am feeling, it’s a miracle that I can still feel his arms as he embraced me. Nakatayo pa din ako habang yakap niya ako. I even have this feeling of wanting to push him away pero wala din naman akong lakas na gawin yun. Mas nanaig kasi ang feeling of comfort and safety na naramdaman ko habang yakap niya ako. Not to mention na ang bango pa niya na ang sarap sarap singhutin.
I am sorry. Pinaghintay kita. Please stop crying. With that, I automatically put my hand under my eyes and indeed I felt liquid in my fingers. Umiyak nga ako ng di ko napapansin. Bakit ako umiyak?
I’m sorry. He brushed my tears with his fingers and he looked at me. Sh!t! He muttered under his breath. He looked mad. I don’t know kung kanino but he really looked mad and that was the first time I heard him utter such word. Let’s go home. He took my books from me and guided me papuntang parking lot. And for the first time, naglakad kami papuntang parking ng nakaakbay siya sa akin. Ni hindi ako makareklamo. Masyado akong tuliro sa mga pangyayari at sa mga naging reaksiyon ko.
Pagkapasok namin sa kotse niya, hindi niya muna ito pinaandar. Tiningnan lang niya ako and I am looking straight ahead.
Are you mad at me? He asked me gently.
Hindi. I am not mad at you. I closed my eyes, at pinakiramdamaan ang sarili ko kung may galit ba ako sa kanya and I felt none.
Kain muna tayo bago kita ihatid. He then started the engine pero hindi pa din niya pinatakbo ang sasakyan.
Johann, hindi na. I wanted to go home. Gabi na. Although pag kumakain naman kami sa labas pag hinahatid niya ako, mas late pa dito ang uwi namin.
Hindi ka ba talaga galit sa akin? Why are you so quiet? Look, Angela, I’m sorry, kung nakalimutan kong naghihintay ka pala sa akin. I wanted to be truthful with you and make no excuses of what I’ve done pero nawala talaga sa isip ko na naghihintay ka pala. Nagkakayayaan kasi after the practice ang mga soccer players and the cheering squad and…
Johann please… I wanted to go home. Wag ka munang mag explain sa akin kasi hindi ko pa yun matanggap. Kahit ano ang sasabihin mo sa akin, hindi yun maintindihan ng isip ko because as of this moment marami ang gumugulo sa isip ko and I need to understand all of them first before I could fully digest what you are about to say.
I am helping you figure it out Angela. That’s why I’m explaining to you. He sound exasperated that I have to look at him that instant just to make him believe na hindi ako galit sa kanya.
Johann, this is not all about what happened a while ago. Although it’s a part of it. This is not even about you. This is about me. Gusto kong maintindihan kong ano ang nangyari sa akin kanina. I wanted to know why I’d reacted that way. Kaya kailangan kong mag isip. That’s why I wanted to go home. I wanted to be alone. I hope you understand that. I looked straight into his eyes habang sinasabi ang mga yun. I don’t want him to think na iniiwasan ko siya dahil sa nangyari because that is not my intention. Gusto ko lang talagang mag isip.
Alright. I understand. With that pinatakbo na niya ang sasakyan palabas sa parking at sa school. Sa buong byahe, walang nagsasalita sa amin hanggang sa makarating kami sa bahay namin.
Thank you. He nodded and I opened the passenger door.
I’ll see you tomorrow. 7AM. I nodded and closed the door of his car. Hinintay ko muna siyang makaalis bago ako pumasok sa bahay namin.
Hindi na ako dumaan ng kitchen para kumain pagpasok ko sa bahay. Para kasing nawala na ang gutom ko. Dumiretso na lang ako sa kwarto ko, clean myself, change my clothes, nahiga sa kama and stared at my ceiling the whole night. Ni hindi ko nireplayan ang goodnight text niya.
Fast forward. The next day.
I was surprised kinaumagahan nung nakita ko na siyang nakaupo sa usual seat namin sa chapel. Usually kasi 5 minutes early ako at siya 5 minutes late. Pero ngayon 5 minutes early pa din ako at siya..kanina pa kaya siya dito? I looked at him and he smiled at me. I smiled at him too and my eyes focused on the bouquet of flowers na nilagay niya sa supposedly upuan ko. I took the flowers and read the card attached.
I’m sorry. I love you.
Thank you. They’re beautiful. Tapos ngumiti ako sa kanya. Pakilagay sa gilid mo. Wala akong maupuan. Kinuha ko ang card at binigay sa kanya ang bulaklak. I hope you won’t let me bring that the whole day.
Pwede nating ilagay sa kotse after the mass if you like. He smiled at me then. We again attended the mass quietly and proceeded to his car para iwan doon ang bulaklak. I don’t know pero parang pareho kami ng iniisip kaya hindi kami dumiretso sa building ng room namin but dumiretso kami sa resto kong saan siya kumakain palagi. We ordered our food and ate in silence.
Nag isip ako kagabi. He put down the glass of water he is drinking and looked at me.
About what?
About sa nangyari kagabi. They way that I’ve acted at what I saw. I shouldn’t have acted that way. Wala kasi akong karapatan na magalit sa’yo or kahit kaninong babae na kasama mo. You are only my suitor and I don’t have the right to prohibit you to… to get close to any girls. Marami na din akong naging suitor..
I don’t want to be compared to them. He cut me off shortly.
I can’t help it. That’s my only basis. You have to bear with it kung gusto mong marinig ang desisyon ko. Tumahimik lang siya. When I was in highschool, I have a fair share of them.Hindi ako nagmamayabang. Totoo yun.
No doubt. He said sarcastically.
Don’t be sarcastic. I’m trying to explain things to you. I looked at him sternly.
I’m sorry. Bilisan mo na lang ang pagkukwento about your previous suitors. It’s making me uncomfortable. I rolled my eyes. I never knew na may katarayan pala si Johann. Ngayon alam ko na.
They are also hanging out with a lot of girls. I even saw some of them kissed other girls while they are courting me.
What did you do?
Nothing. What am I supposed to do? They are only my suitors and I don’t have the right to get mad at them if they wanted to hang out with other girls. So I let them do what they want and…
Binasted mo?
Of course.
So will I have the same fate? Is that what you are trying to tell me? I looked at him seriously.
I’ve realized, that I don’t wan’t to see you with other girls aside from me. I don’t like what I saw. At first I can’t understand what I feel last night. I just feel the need to slap that girl and kick your ass that instant. But the moment you hugged me, and gusto ko na lang ay sampalin yung babae at yakapin ka. All my anger with you was gone the moment you hug me. I’ve realized that I am jealous. Very very jealous. Ganun pala ang feeling ng nagseselos. Gusto mong pumatay ng tao. I smiled and he chuckled and smiled broadly.
This is a serious matter. Bakit ka ngumingiti? Do you realize what it is that I’m telling you? Lalo pang lumaki ang ngiti niya.
Yes. Alam ko kung ano ang sinasabi mo. I am just amused by the way you describe what you feel. And I’m glad that you could describe it the way you did. Angela, I know that you love me, the moment your tears fell from your eyes. Hindi yun dahil sa pinaghintay kita, hindi din yun dahil sa hinanap mo ako at hindi rin dahil sa nagugutom ka na. Kung nakita mo lang ang mukha mo kagabi you looked like a betrayed girlfriend and I don’t know whether I should be glad dahil nalaman ko ang nararamdaman mo or be mad at myself for making you cry. Hinawakan niya ang mga kamay ko na nasa taas ng table at pinisil ito.
Wag mo na ulit gagawin yun. Hindi ko kasi alam kong ano ang gagawin ko. Baka nga may masampal akong babae.
Hindi na. So pwede na ba akong mag explain about sa nangyari kagabi, Johanns’ girlfriend? He said grinning from ear to ear. Siguro naman naintindihan niyo na din. Ito na yung sinasabi niya na I don’t have to tell him kasi mararamdaman niya kung mahal ko na siya. Kailangan lang palang magselos ako para lumabas ang nararamdaman ko sa kanya.
No need. Maliwanag naman na ako ang pinili mo. Bakit pa ako magseselos? He raised his eyebrows. Pero bakit mo hinayaang punasan niya ang bibig mo? Hindi daw ako magseselos. Lol. Tumawa siya ng malakas. Tapos pinisil niya ang ilong ko.
Ang selosa mo pala. She’s Sammie, the cheerleader and she’s quite fond of me. It’s her birthday yesterday. He had that playful smile on his lips.
Crushing on you.I smirked. Tumawa siya.
You can say that. And sino ba naman ang makakatanggi sa kanya. And hindi ko siya matanggihan She’s beautiful and sexy and…
Pinagseselos mo ba ako? Tumawa siya ng malakas. I can’t understand what’s so funny. Samantalang ako eh inis na inis na. Purihin ba naman sa harap mo ang ibang babae? Sino ang matutuwa doon. Binawi ko ang kamay ko na hawak niya and started gathering my things. Kung gusto pa niyang magkwento tungkol sa Sammie na yun, mag isa siya. Hmp! Ayan. Nagiging monster na ako ng dahil kay Johann. Tumayo na ako and aalis na sana nung hinawakan niya ang braso ko.
Saan ka pupunta?
May class pa ako. Absent na ako sa first period, wala na akong planong umabsent sa second period.
Ihahatid kita sa room niyo. Kinuha niya sa akin ang dala kong libro but I refused to give it to him. Nakakainis kasi siya at naiiyak na naman ako. Bakit ganito? Bakit naging iyakin na ako?
Wag na. Kung gusto mo, puntahan mo na lang ang cheerleader mo. I can manage to go to my room alone.
Mamaya pa kami magkikita. Kaya ikaw muna ang ihahatid ko. He is still smiling while saying that. Ang sarap tuloy tuloy dukutin ng dimples niya.
Wag na nga! Kung gusto mo, siya na din ang girlfriend mo. With that, tumulo na ang luha ko. Kainis naman kasi eh. Ihahatid niya ako tapos magkikita sila mamaya? Anong klase yun. At may gana pa siyang ngumiti.
Hindi ko siya pwedeng maging girlfriend. She’s my cousin. Napatingin ako bigla sa kanya. Cousin? Pinsan? Umiiling na tumingin siya sa akin tapos ngumiti. He took his handkerchief and wiped my tears habang nakangiting nakakaloko. You heard it right. She’s my cousin, Samantha Zamora. She’s the only child of my Dad’s only brother. I guess I need to bring plenty of handkerchief in the future.He said more to himself.
I hate your joke! I said seriously. Niyakap lang niya ako at kissed the tip of my nose.
I’m sorry. Natutuwa lang kasi ako pag nagseselos ka. Hindi ko na uulitin. I love you.