{Harry's Point of View}
I grasped an entire rack of clothing in my hand and with every bit of force I could muster up, I shoved it to the ground. Expensive shirts, jackets, belts, and trousers fell to the ground in a heap. The metal rack clattered loudly and the top rod bent as it hit the concrete floor. I stared down at the pile of clothing incredulously. My anger was unraveling and becoming separate from me. It was acting on its own accord. I couldn't control it.
Glass soda bottles smashed to the floor with impressive drama. The remaining soda spread across the floor and disappeared under some of the clothing. A metal folding chair flew through the dressing room and collided with the back wall before scraping the floor. Part of the destruction satisfied me; a release of built-up emotions felt good.
"Harry!" Louis forced the door open. He stood in the doorway and surveyed the damage I had caused. The smashed glass and dented metal mixed with the soda-stained clothing littered the floor.
"What?"
"Are you hurt?"
I just ruined my life. I just broke two hearts. Of course I'm hurt. "I'm fine," I muttered. I looked down at my hand and saw a tiny shard of glass sticking into the skin. It hadn't drawn blood so I pulled it out and flicked it to the floor without a second thought.
"I heard glass breaking and so I thought maybe you had..." Louis trailed off. He didn't need to say what we both knew: I had lost it.
"Yeah, well, I'm fine. I'll call someone to clean this up."
"Stop," Louis sighed.
"What?"
"Stop pretending. Could you both just stop pretending! You need to stop pretending!"
"What do you mean?"
"You both sit around and pretend like perfect relationships exist. Well, they don't! You upset each other. You disappoint each other. You neglect each other. That's how real relationships work. With the good, there's bad. Have you both forgotten? Now look what you've done." Louis gestured around the room, but he wasn't referring to the mess I had made of the floor, he was referring to the mess I had made of my life.
"Well I guess there's no pretending any longer."
I had fought. I had fought for everything. I had not given up on Kate or on us. I had made sacrifices to keep us together. And I just let my temper—a fleeting moment of high emotion—take all of that away from me. I leaned against the wall and slid down until I sat on the ground. My breathing was erratic and I felt my chest tighten. I could hear my heart beating in my chest so loudly. Tears welled in my eyes and stung as they descended down my face.
"Haz," Louis said softly. He stooped to the ground and placed a hand on my shoulder.
"I'm fine." I stood up out of his reach defiantly. I wiped my tears with the back of my hand. "I'm fine. I'm going to get my hair fixed. I'll be ready in a few minutes."
"Are you sure you're up for the concert?"
"I said I'm fine."
____________
The concert drained what little life I had left in me. I spent the entire show trying to appear as normal as possible. I danced and sang and smiled and entertained the fans as if my heart wasn't heavy and angry and broken in my chest. Niall, Louis, and Liam took attention away from me as best as they could. By the time the lights dimmed and we were lowered below stage to the last guitar chord electrocuting the night, I was ready to collapse.
Backstage was relatively calm compared to the typical post-concert rush of deconstructing the stage and loading equipment into buses. We had two more shows in the same stadium, making it possible to leave our things set up. Crewmembers walked around coolly, basking in the success of the show.
I pushed past two guitar technicians and was just about to the dressing room when I felt a strong grip on my arm. "What?" I whipped around.
"She's not here," Liam whispered.
"She's not here?"
"She left. Louis saw her. She packed up her things and left. Her security picked her up."
"But I was going to..." I didn't finish my sentence. What was I going to do? Apologize? That would be disingenuous; I wasn't sorry. I just wanted to make sure she was okay.
"Don't, Harry."
"Don't what?"
"Follow her."
"What am I supposed to do?" I rolled my eyes.
"Give her the space you asked for."
His words hurt more than he intended. Liam was right; this was all my fault. I had asked for this. I felt my head nod, feigning understanding for a situation I had created. "Yeah, space."
Niall and Louis appeared from around a corner. They looked at me not with concern, but with pity. I could feel tears begging to be let out, but I held them back. The high we usually got from a great performance had been repressed by my emotional meltdown.
"Sorry, mate," Niall mumbled.
I shrugged. "I'm going to go home."
"We were going to Liam's. Did you want to maybe come with us? Let off some steam?" Louis offered.
"No."
"It might be best not to be alone right now," he whispered.
"I want to be alone." I want to be alone for the rest of my life. That is what I deserve.
"Come on, Harry," Liam nudged me.
"I said I wanted to be alone. My car is already on its way." I turned and walked away from my three friends and felt a wave of coldness as I realized how good I had gotten at walking away from the people I loved.
I made the mistake of walking past the social media and public relations workspace where Kate would have been working. I naively held onto some hope that maybe she had returned to finish her job. She was always so driven; she never let anything stop her from doing her work and doing it well—not even a severe concussion. I wasn't surprised when I didn't find Kate at any of the desks. Instead, I came across several of her coworkers who gave me glares that made me shudder. I backed out of the workspace just as my phone rang letting me know my driver had arrived.
____________
My townhouse was haunted by Kate. The smells of her perfume and shampoo filled the air. A jacket of hers was draped over the back of a dining room chair. Her phone charger was plugged into the wall. A glass of water had the imprint of her lipstick smudged on the edge. A cooking magazine she had purchased was splayed open on the kitchen countertop. A half-eaten cup of yogurt she had that morning was ruining in the refrigerator. A bottle of her body wash sat on the shower floor. Her toothbrush was next to mine at the bathroom sink. A pair of her sandals was beside the bed. Her pillow still held the shape of her head in the center. The bed linens still smelled of her body lotion.
The bed sheets strangled me. My pillow smothered me. The warm summer air poisoned me. The silence choked me. The solitude stabbed me. I was drowning in anger and confusion and frustration and heartache.
I closed my eyes and mentally begged for sleep. My phone vibrated noisily on the bedside table. I was getting phone calls and text messages from people congratulating me on the great show, crewmembers and stylists and managers asking for my itinerary for tomorrow's show, and Liam, Niall, and Louis asking me to join them and asking if I was okay. I knew better than to check my phone to see if Kate had called. Seeing that she hadn't would only worsen things.
____________
New York City was stumbling into autumn with leaves drifting from green to orange and yellow, iced coffees turning into hot coffees, and necklaces changing into scarves. The weather was warm in the sun and cool in the shade. The air was crisp and fresh. I stared out the window dreamily.
"Does this come in blue?" Louis held up a waisted shirt to the patient sales associate helping us with our appointment at Lanvin.
"It does, Mr. Tomlinson. Remind me of your shirt size?"
Voices turned into white noise as I checked my watch. The sales associate disappeared into the back room of the store.
"Is your bird going to show up anytime soon?" Louis asked from somewhere to my left.
Just before I could answer, the doors to the store opened and a gust of cool November wind blew her in. She was stunning in all black. Her stilettos clacked against the flooring with intimidation. Her eyes were smudged with charcoal eyeliner. She was wickedly fierce—until her pink lips parted into the most heart-melting smile.
"Kate," I beamed.
"Sorry, sorry! The meeting ran late and it was a complete nightmare. Have you been waiting long?"
"Just thirty seven minutes," Louis chimed.
Kate walked up to me and gripped the collar of my coat. In her heels, she was closer to eyelevel with me, but pulled me toward her. She nuzzled her face into my cheek affectionately. "I'm sorry to have kept you waiting," she whispered.
"I don't mind," I kissed her cheek.
She pulled away with a blush. "I'm sorry, Louis, that you had to wait."
"I think I'll survive, love." Louis walked up and pecked her on the check quickly.
"Mr. Tomlinson, the shirt isn't available in your size. I can have one sent in from Paris in less than thirty-six hours if you desire." The sales associate reemerged with a disappointed look on her face.
"That's quite alright," Louis shrugged.
"Oh!" the woman blinked at Kate. "I'm Amelia, welcome to Lanvin."
"Amelia, I'm Kate."
"Pleasure." I could see Amelia's consciously trying to maintain a smile in the presence of my girlfriend.
"I'm ready to try on the suits now, Amelia," I nodded.
The four of us walked into the private fitting area. I walked into the fitting room and closed the door behind me. I worked quickly to undress and slip into the first suit that had been made for me. I worried about leaving Louis alone with Kate for too long.
"That looks great," Kate gasped as I came from the fitting room.
"This is the two button slim fit jacket. It's crème velvet with black piping. There are three pockets; the breast pocket has a black appliqué. We have you in the slim fitting black trouser made of fifteen percent silk." Amelia pointed out every detail. She walked behind me and tugged at the jacket and the hem of the trousers until everything looked proper.
"What do you think?" Kate asked.
I looked myself over in the mirror. "It looks nice."
"Don't need you looking better than me," Louis muttered lightheartedly.
"Not possible," Kate smiled at Louis.
I loved seeing two people I cared about getting on well. It meant a lot that my best friend and my girlfriend could have a decent relationship. I liked seeing them both happy together. I liked that they understood one another.
"Shall we try the second look?" Amelia prompted.
I went back into the fitting room and stripped yet again. I got into the second suit and looked at the small mirror hanging on the wall. I didn't like it as much as the first, but I wanted the opinions of Kate and Louis.
"This is a single button slim fit jacket in navy. It's made of sixty percent wool. You'll notice two pockets and an exaggerated slit in the back. It's lined with satin. The lapels are also slimmer than the previous jacket. The trousers are identical to the first pair, but are made in navy blue."
"The first was far better," Louis said.
"I agree." Amelia folded her arms across her chest and examined me as if I were an abstract painting hanging in a gallery.
"What do you think?" I looked straight at Kate. Her lips were twisted to the side of her face and her eyes were trained on the jacket I was wearing.
"I think she'd rather see you in nothing at all," Louis chuckled.
"That's not funny!" I couldn't help but smile. Kate's face exploded into a deep shade of scarlet. She was quick to become embarrassed after people said things like that. She wasn't naïve, but was fascinatingly innocent. Louis—and the rest of the world—was unaware of our limited intimacy. It didn't bother me; it made me respect her and value our relationship more deeply.
"I like the first one," she mumbled. "Looked good on you."
"Amelia, I'll take the first suit. We leave for Los Angeles in three days for the American Music Awards. I have the address it will need to be sent to."
"Of course," she nodded assuredly.
I returned to my black skinny jeans and t-shirt while Amelia made arrangements for my suit to be shipped. I called our stylist to let her know that my suit would be ready for us when I arrived and that the final alterations had been successful. As I ended the call, I looked over at Kate. She was standing among a display of waist shirts in the sunlight streaming through the windows. She looked angelic.
"Hey," I walked up to her. "Thank you for coming to help me choose what I'm going to wear to the AMAs."
"Happy to help," she smiled.
"Is Louis right?"
"About what?"
"You wanting to see me in nothing at all?" I smirked as her cheeks flushed bright red again. She buried her face in my chest and I let out an easy laugh.
"Ugh," she muttered in annoyance. "I have another meeting to get to while I'm here in the city. I'm meeting Ruby and Alessandra in twenty minutes."
"You haven't answered properly. Is Louis right?"
She looked me straight in the eye with her face clear of any hints of red. She took two steps backward toward the door. "It's just like Louis says, he's always right." She winked and stepped out the door into the autumn afternoon, leaving me in Lanvin gasping for air.
____________
I sat up in bed unaware of how alone I was until I patted the space to my right and found it empty. The gravity of the previous night's events crashed into me and I felt physically pained. The dream was fresh in my mind and was sweeter than reality. Like Kate often experienced, my dream had really been a memory. My fitting appointment at Lanvin before the AMAs had actually happened.
It was morning now; the sun shined over the city clearly unaware of how dark I felt inside. I collapsed back against the pillows and took in a shaky breath. I felt immobile; being bedridden sounded more appealing than getting up and going about with regular life. I wanted time to lie in bed and sulk. I wanted to suffer.
Bile rose in my throat as our fight played over in my mind. How could I have said the things I said? I had called her incompetent and talked down to her. I had criticized her unfairly in front of the other boys. I held my breath willing myself not to get sick all over the bed as I remembered my remark about not getting enough from her.
I reached for my phone before I let another moment pass. It was early in the morning, but I knew she would be awake. I dialed her number and listened as it rang a few times. Finally, she picked up.
"What is it, Harry?" Her voice was gravelly from crying and I instantly felt guilty.
"I owe you an apology, Kate."
"For?"
I sighed. "I said some things yesterday that were out of line. What I said about not getting enough from you, that was awful. I didn't mean to make you feel like...I don't want you to think that I feel...I guess I'm trying to say that I didn't mean it. I was just angry. I don't think...less of you or anything. I don't feel that way. Please understand that I didn't mean a word of that. I think it's perfectly okay that you choose that for yourself."
"Wow," her voice dripped sarcasm through the phone like venom. "I feel infinitely better."
"Look, I just don't want you to think I feel that way."
"You cleared it up."
I was losing my patience. "So I guess I'll see you later on then at the concert."
"You won't." She left out the explanation I knew I didn't deserve.
"Oh," I mumbled. "Well then I guess I'll see you around."
"I guess."
"I really am sorry."
"You know what, Harry? Keep your apology. You just keep doing what it is that you do. Go change lives and win awards and shoot music videos. I'll be here. You go out and see the world."
Click. The call ended. The line went silent as it disconnected.
"You're my world," I said to her, knowing she would never hear it. "You are my world."