"Maybe really, really good things aren't meant to last for too long; maybe that's what makes them all the more sweet, the temporariness of them."
—Jenny Han, P.S. I Still Love You
Have you ever met someone and just knew that forevermore your life was never ever going to be the same?
Well, that was the way it felt the day that I accidentally slammed my bike into Jamie's when we were eleven and thus set the course for the remainder of my childhood and teenage years to be filled with an elevated string of laughter, tears, a preposterous computation of annoyance, irritation, anger and yes, even this tragic story had a bit of love interwoven into it.
Jamie wasn't a stranger per se; he was literally the boy next door, but before that day I had never really bothered to get to know him. Sure, our parents had forced us to have countless play dates over the years but even then I'd kept my distance and he did the same. But it seemed that fate had other plans for us.
If someone had asked me three years ago what I thought about Jamie O'Connor, I would have told them without a moment's hesitation that if there was anyone in this world that I trusted with my life, my heart and my minuscule amount of trust, it was him.
He was the one invariable aspect of my life that was never supposed to change. Ever.
The funny thing about life though, is that it doesn't matter how many plans we make or how many stars we wish upon that things will turn out exactly the way we want them to, it just never does.
Our futures aren't set in stone and most of us fail to realize that until it's much too late to protect our hearts from their inevitable doom. And I say 'doom' because for the most part, the majority of us never truly recover from a broken heart.
We push that hurt aside and try our best to prevent that feeling of anguish from ever recurring and in doing so, we build up walls that seem to go on forever and sometimes without meaning to, we break hearts as well. But everyone knows that there are no rules in love. You either break or breakeven.
On that note, it's acceptable to state that I had my first real heartbreak in my senior year of high school. Foolishly I had pushed aside all the rational explanations that I had for never falling in love and thus by no means ever seriously dating, and let myself be swept up in a whirlwind of teenage emotions and fell headfirst in love with Sam Harper. Needless to say, Sam shredded my heart to pieces in one of the most cliché ways possible. He stood me up on the night of our Senior Prom.
Despite the fact that all through my high school days it wasn't exactly a dream of mine to attend the most ostentatious event of the year, I eventually reconsidered that notion when I started dating Sam. Any girl who's ever been foolish enough to fall in love will tell you that being stood up by that person is way up there on the list of ways to crush your heart and plunge you into a world of despair.
Okay fine, so I may have been exaggerating just a tiny bit, but you get the gist.
Anyway, I had my second major heartbreak my freshman year of college when my supposed best friend, aka Jamie freaking O'Connor, up and left me. There I was trying my best to build up my defenses to prevent such an event, only to have him squash that fantasy. And the part that sucks the most is that I still have no idea why.
Sure, I can always ask him, but where's the fun in that? I'd much rather not know what I did to deserve the punishment of losing my best friend at the time when I needed him the most. This has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that asking him might lead him to believe that I still care―because I don't.
And besides, if he had never skipped out on me, I would not have grown so close with Hailey and my life would most definitely suck without her.
Given that we've already gone over the story of my tortured romance with Brian (sorta) I won't even open that can of worms.
But in spite of everything that has transpired, I thank the ironic way that life works because maybe, just maybe all the curveballs that she throws at us actually makes us stronger―this is a strong maybe.
***
"You know you're in a shitty place when you actually believe your horoscope," I mocked while I skimmed the page of the newspaper. "Listen to this bullshit," I told Hailey.
She raised her brow but put down her phone, as if to say that I had her undivided attention―as it should be.
"You're ready to embrace new romantic experiences thanks to an alignment between Venus and Uranus today, even while a part of you looks to the Virgo Moon for a practical approach to your love life, you'll meet a handsome stranger who may simply be someone that you've met aeons ago and the wheels of love will undeniably be turning in your favor."
"What a load of crap," Hailey agreed. "You? In love? Yeah right!"
I nodded and let out a snort although it wasn't my horoscope. "It's more likely that we'll actually have gender equality in all its glory before that becomes a reality."
"Deep," Hailey nodded.
"Why do people read this crap?" I asked, shaking my head.
"It helps having at least one thing predicting that things will turn out okay," Hailey shrugged. "Even it's a fly-by-night horoscope."
"That's why I read my Bible," I stated matter-of-factly.
Hailey rolled her eyes and collected my empty coffee cup and deposited it along with hers into the sink. "You're such a contradiction," she scoffed.
I quirked my brow. "How so?"
"You just are," was her genius response.
I shook my head and pulled my knees up, almost losing my balance in the process. I held onto the kitchen counter for support and sighed. "That was close."
She laughed and shook her head. In one swift motion she pulled her fiery red locks into a ponytail and then stuck her tongue at me.
I grinned at her. "We're probably the most immature twenty-two year olds."
She nodded in agreement. "Although you're slightly more immature than I am."
I shrugged. "I care not."
"Yes, you do," Hailey laughed. "You like to pretend that you don't care but deep down I know you do."
I started to disagree but who was I tryna kid. "I like to think of it as straddling the line between not caring what anyone thinks about me and extreme self-loathing."
"There you go!" she grinned.
I asked for another cup of coffee and with a completely unnecessary groan, she complied. She had her arms crossed and kept her stare on me while I drank. "What are we doing for your birthday?"
I groaned and stared into the cup. "Why do we have to do something?"
"Because it's your birthday?"
"We can order pizza and pop some champagne," I suggested. "I'm not really feeling up to celebrating with a group of people."
She nodded in understanding but I knew that it wasn't over. She then proceeded to pinpoint exactly what was bothering me. "So what if it's without Brian? You don't need him to have a good time."
"I know that," I said impatiently. I really didn't want to have to elaborate, but with a sigh I continued. "It's just that it's going to suck because he's going to be celebrating with Katie."
"Oh."
"Yeah."
"I knew that," she said after a minute.
I rolled my eyes. "You're so silly."
She laughed. "So are you."
"This is true," I agreed and hopped off the stool. "I've gotta get ready for work."
"Great, you can give me a ride home so I can get my stuff."
I placed my hands on my hips. "And how did you get here?"
"I flew," she retorted. "Now go before you make us both late, I've got some kind of quiz this morning."
I walked into the bookstore an hour later with a frown on my face. I tried to fake a smile before I faced my co-workers, but it quickly slipped off when I saw Jamie.
He had his arm thrown around a familiar brunette. I took in her attire and my frown returned in full force.
She wore the skimpiest pair of shorts that I'd seen since my college days that came to a stop a little below her unmentionables and a crop top in equally bad taste, leaving very little to the imagination.
Her laugh echoed throughout the almost empty bookstore and made my blood boil. She looked up and saw me, a fake smile making its way onto her face. "Taylor Evans," she cooed. "What a pleasant surprise."
I took a step back and scrunched my nose in disgust at the amount of makeup that caked her face. That shit was just plain ridiculous. "It really isn't. Your presence offends me," I said, not bothering to hide my disdain.
"Why are you looking at me like that?" she asked, her voice rising slightly.
"I'm just confused as to why you'd be wearing so much clothing this late in October. It's not even chilly outside."
"It is not that cold," she snapped.
"Taylor, Natalie. Play nice now," Jamie said, holding Natalie closer.
"Really, O'Connor?" I scoffed. "Her?"
"What is that supposed to mean?" she spat.
"Don't read too much into it," I told her, doubting that she could even read at all.
See, Natalie was no ordinary broad. This was the girl who'd slept her way through half the football team in high school before we were even sophomores and by our senior year, she'd added the basketball team and the majority of the swim team to her list of conquests.
"Walk away, Taylor," Jamie warned, his voice low.
"Oh no, I'm not going anywhere until you tell me that this is not what I think it is," I said, pointing a finger accusingly between the two of them.
"Who I spend my time with is none of your business," he replied. "Stay out of it."
"You really want to take the risk of finding out what her latest STD is?" I asked, frowning at her.
"I cannot believe you just said that!" she growled.
"Aww... Did I hurt your feelings?" I asked, fluttering my eyelashes. "Good!"
She was about to respond when Jamie pulled me away. "What are you doing?" he asked.
"What am I doing? What are you doing? And with her off all people!"
"What's with all the ruckus?" Millie asked, coming over to where we were standing.
I glanced at Jamie. "Nothing. I was just coming to find you actually."
She nodded and Jamie walked away, pulling a fuming Natalie with him.
"Is it okay if I take the day off?" I asked with a grimace. "I know that you just got back but I really need a break."
Her face softened and she nodded in understanding. "Take the rest of the week off if you wish. It's a bit slow around here anyway."
I gave her a genuine smile and threw a glare at Jamie before leaving the bookstore.
***
I gripped my cappuccino and stared out the window of the coffee shop that I was in. Rain was falling lightly and people were scrambling about trying to find shelter before it got any worse. I considered going home but I really didn't want to be alone with all my thoughts. And I was still pretty pissed with no clear reason why.
I had no right to judge Jamie because of his choice in women. I'd made it pretty clear that we weren't friends anymore and Natalie, although a bit on the slutty side, was in fact an okay person. "Ah well," I muttered.
"Is this seat taken?" someone asked.
I glanced at the person and my brows instantly rose. He smiled and all I could think was oh shit.
"Is this seat taken?" he asked again.
I shook my head and gestured to the seat on the other side of the booth.
He thanked me and slipped into the booth, all the while staring at me. I stared right back because that's just who I am.
"You look sad," he commented.
"I am," I replied honestly without thinking and for some reason that made him smile.
He signaled a server and ordered himself a double espresso. "I might need a lot more than just coffee to get through this day," he admitted.
I chuckled. "Me too."
We sat in silence while he stared at me and I stared right back, but it wasn't uncomfortable and it didn't give me the creeps like it normally would have if it were any other guy. It was almost like he was daring me to look away first but he knew that I couldn't.
"Here you go," a voice chirped interrupting our stare down.
"Thank you," he replied, taking his eyes off of me to collect his coffee.
"I win," I whispered with a triumphant smile.
"I let you win," he clarified taking a sip of his espresso, his eyes trained on me once more.
"If you weren't so handsome I'd be totally creeped out," I admitted. "What does that say about me?"
"That you're a superficial person," he responded with a playful smile.
I thought about objecting but simply shrugged instead. "You're probably right."
He laughed then, a profoundly reverberating laugh as though I'd just told him the funniest joke that he'd ever heard. I didn't know how to feel about that, but I found myself laughing along with him.
"What's your deal?" he asked when our laughter had faded away.
I stared at him for a minute trying to decide if I should even be enjoying this stranger's company. "I'm having an off week," I finally conceded.
Again he smiled and this time I quirked my brow. "I'm sorry, why does it seem like my misfortunes bring you joy?"
He shook his head and chuckled. "You're refreshingly honest."
I shrugged. "When I want to be."
"See?" he asked, with another chuckle. "Honest."
I smiled and glanced at my now cold coffee. "I'll be right back," I told him, slipping out of the booth with the coffee cup in my hand.
I ordered a steaming hot cup of cocoa and then headed to the ladies room.
I stared at myself in the mirror, trying to get rid of the smile that refused to leave my face. I couldn't shake the feeling that I was walking into something that I was desperately trying to avoid, but at the same time the thought of doing just that excited me. Get a grip! I scolded myself.
When I returned to our booth I let out a relieved sigh when I saw my cup of cocoa waiting for me. There's nothing quite like chocolate to soothe your nerves, except wine that is. I took a sip of it and then glanced at my companion. "I don't even know your name."
"Nathan."
"Taylor."
He laughed and I smiled. "I know, it's usually the first question and not the last."
He arched his brow. "Is that really your last question?"
I sipped my cocoa and smiled. "No."
"Why are you sad?" he asked.
I stared at him over my cup for a silent minute before deciding to stick with the truth. "I fell in love with someone, but I'm not entirely sure that he loved me like I did him," I paused. "I think he shattered my heart."
He nodded but that was enough.
"The thing is though," I continued. "I can't tell if it's killing me or making me stronger."
"You're alive. That means something at least," he replied.
"Is this normal for you?" I asked, tilting my head to the side.
"Normal is subjective," he responded. "But I can't say that this happens every day."
I laughed. I think that I was relieved at his answer. "He's marrying my sister," I told him, not sure why I was being so open with someone that I'd just met.
He sighed and leaned back. "Sounds like a dick. It's his loss."
"I know. I'm awesome," I laughed. "Although I have been told that dating me is like dating a sour patch kid."
He laughed and I found myself laughing along with him once again. "Do you think that there's someone out there for everyone?" I asked, taking the final sip of my cocoa.
He thought about my question for a minute before nodding. "I think that there's someone for everyone in this world," he began. "Except you. They didn't make anyone for you."
I laughed out loud, like really laughed. "Thank you," I said when I realized that people were staring at us.
"No, thank you," he said with a smile. "I was having a really shitty morning until I walked in and saw you sitting staring out the window. It seemed like you were having an even shittier one and it gave me hope."
"Hope?" I asked with raised eyebrows.
"Yeah, kinda like when you think that you did really bad on a test and then you find out that someone else did worse. It's a wonderful feeling isn't it?"
I nodded. "The best."
"It's no longer raining," he observed, looking out the window.
"Indeed it isn't," I replied. I felt sad for some strange reason when it dawned on me that maybe it was time for him to leave.
"About this jerk who's marrying your sister," he said, returning his gaze to my face.
I smiled. "About that jerk."
And that's how I spent the rest of the morning; making small or not so small talk with a practical stranger who had a smile that could melt your heart. When I left the coffee shop, I had no idea if I would even see him again but then he caught up to me and we stood facing each other in the middle of the sidewalk.
"I'd like to see you again," he said, giving me a smile. This one was different from the others, this smile made him seem nervous. I liked it best. "I understand if you think that it's too weird because we literally just met but I'd really love it if you didn't."
I stared at him for a few seconds and gave him a lopsided grin before walking away. "Same time tomorrow," I called over my shoulder.