"A tattoo is a true poetic creation, and is always more than what meets the eye. As a tattoo is grounded on living skin, so its essence emotes a poignancy unique to the mortal human condition." --V.Vale and Andrea Juno, Modern Primitives
I'd always been told that nothing was ever permanent.
I guessed that was the reason why I'd always been reluctant to allow people in. If people were temporary and I ended up leaning on them all the time, I might get attached. If that happened, then when they left, I'd be heartbroken. If I did that, I'd be losing more people than ever.
But I guessed that the first time I let someone in, in years might I add, it turned out pretty okay. I lied, not okay, but perfect. I met the one person that I would be willing to do anything for. If he asked me to jump off a cliff or to jump in front of a bullet for him, I didn't think that I would hesitate. He was my one and only. He was my world. And most of all, though it was cliché, he was my savior.
I wanted to make him permanent. I was too young to get married, let's be honest, but there were different ways that I could make him permanent. To ever lose him would cause me so much pain. To heal would be a painful process.
So I decided on getting a tattoo--of course Louis would too. A tattoo is painful to remove and it would be heartbreaking to let go of Louis. And that was the story of how I landed here in a tattoo parlour.
"What would you like for me to ink on you?" A woman in her late twenties asked me. Louis and I had decided on getting matching tattoos. For me, Louis was home and I wanted something that could explain that.
"I'd like a ship," I replied, blushing when Louis leaned in and kissed me on the cheek.
"I see, and does this have anything to do with your boyfriend?" She asked me, winking with a sly smile on her face.
"Well, yes." I couldn't stop blushing. My face was probably bright red by now.
"May I ask what it's supposed to mean?" She asked me. She brought the needle down to my arm and I winced in pain as the process of inking began. Louis held the hand of my opposite arm and kissed my forehead to smooth out the frown lines.
"I'm a ship and Louis is my compass. Louis leads me home; he is my home. I'd never be lost with my compass. I don't know, does that help?" I couldn't explain it. I really couldn't. I felt like explaining it to someone else would be being disloyal to my true feelings on this tattoo. They would be intruding on something so delicate yet strong in my life.
Like how a captain would make sure that he had a compass on him to find his way home, I had Louis. When one feels lonely, they want nothing more than to be loved or find the feeling of home.
Even that, in my head, was a bad description on what this ship meant to me.
"No, no. That makes complete sense. You guys are really dedicated to each other, aren't you?" She observed. Louis nodded and she smiled. "Well, then, I would have to say that you guys are really lucky. It's hard to find someone that you truly love and feel comfortable. Hold on to each other, okay?"
I nodded and Louis nuzzled into my neck, kissing and biting softly at a soft patch of skin. I held on tighter to his hand and made sure that he couldn't let go. "I love Louis more than anything."
"I love you too," he whispered in my ear.
"So, when are you getting the tattoo, Louis?"
"Probably after my interview. I have a big one coming up and it's my priority other than Harry. I need to make sure to look sharp. I can't have anything that they wouldn't approve. If I get a tattoo after, then they can't really say anything. I don't know. I'm just being cautious."
"Ahh, I see."
She kept talking to me, keeping me busy, and before I knew it, my ship was done and she was throwing the needle out.
An hour later, Louis and I left the tattoo parlour. We were told what we had to do to make sure that our tattoos did not get infected and how to take care of them properly in the beginning.
"So, what do you think we should do now?" Louis asked me, interlocking our fingers.
"I think we should go to my place and maybe catch a movie?" I asked as he rested his head on my shoulder. He led me towards his car, and unlocked the door. Before he let go of my hand to go to the driver's seat, he gave me a quick kiss.
"Hey, Harry?" Louis called me as I got into his car.
"Yeah, Lou?" I replied as I got into the car. I buckled my belt and waited for Louis to reverse out of the parking lot before grabbing his hand.
"Have you told your Mom about who I really am, yet?"
I looked out my window. I hadn't. I was worried about what she would say. I mean, what would she say? Wouldn't she be disappointed that the man I fell in love with was actually trying to fix her fucked up son? Wouldn't she? Would she be disappointed in me?
"No."
"Why, babe?"
"Because."
"Are you ever going to?"
"Gosh! Shut up, Louis! I will when I want to."
After that, we didn't talk in the car. He dropped me off at my place and before he could kiss me goodbye, he did lean in, I opened the door and walked out. I didn't glance back at him. I knew it would hurt him but I needed space. I needed to think.
"Mom, I'm home!" I called through the house.
"Isn't Louis coming in?" She asked me, popping through the door to the laundry room.
"No, he has to prepare for an interview," I lied. Well, he did have to, but it just wasn't necessary.
She nodded and informed me of cake in the kitchen. As I ate, I thought. Would it be bad if I did tell my mom? Or would it be a disastrous choice? She wasn't a bad person, she cared about me, right? I munched on my cake, before I took a drink of my water. I didn't like too much cake, it was always a little bit too sweet.
"Mom?" I yelled.
"Yes, Harry?"
"Can you come in the kitchen?" I called out. I might as well tell her before I lost my courage. I took a big gulp of water as she came in. And a couple more bites of cake were needed. A bit more water. More cake.
"Harry, what did you need me for?" I took my final bite of cake and then my final gulp of water before setting the dirty dish in the sink. I took her hand and led her to the dinner table.
"I need to tell you something and I hope you keep an open mind about this. Please, mom," I begged. I clutched onto her hands. "Please."
She kissed my forehead, "I would always keep an open mind about you, Harry. You always have something that leads me to conclude that you're someone who chooses many different things in life and you have many more open thoughts. Baby, I'd always care."
A tear slipped out of her eye and I brushed it away. "Mom, Louis was my therapist."
"Excuse me, Harry, what?" She asked with disbelief.
"Yeah, Louis was my therapist. I had gotten to burning myself because I was being bullied." The straight forward approach was the best one, right?
"Please tell me that this isn't true, Harry," her voice cracked and she pulled me into her arms.
"I'm sorry, Mom. And to make it worse, it got harder. I started to feel things that I shouldn't about Louis and the taunting at school got worse. And I felt like I wasn't accepted. And I couldn't find a job because the bullying and taunting changed the minds of many people in town. They were lies, Mom, but they affected my entire life. And I couldn't deal with it. I left Louis and I started to burn again but he saved me, Mom. I owe my entire life to Louis. And now, I feel like I can finally live my life. Please don't be upset, Mom.
"I love him."
She didn't speak but she held me tighter. She kissed my head and my forehead and my face. "I'm not angry with you, Harry. I just wish you had told me that you were depressed. I would have been there for you. I, personally, would have brought you to a therapist. I would have fixed your school life. I would have done everything I could to protect you."
I gasped, but then I smiled. I wished that I had told her before, if I had then maybe this would have all gone smoother. But if I had, then maybe I wouldn't have ever met Louis.
I typed Louis' number on my phone many times before I decided to call him. I was being very selfish by yelling at him. All he was trying to do was make me feel like he was there for me. He just wanted me to know that my Mom would have been on my side.
"Haz." I sighed in contentment when I heard his beautiful voice.
"Lou. I'm so so so sorry. I didn't mean to and I love you and please forgive me!"
"Don't worry, Harry. I wasn't upset. I was just worried about you. I love you too, sweetie."
A/N
So basically, here it is. I'm sorry if it seems rushed. I'm really busy this week and I'm off to camp next week and I'm gone for three more, so I don't have much time. Plus, I owed you guys a chapte.r I hope you like it. I think there are only a few more to come.
Love you guys loads,
Lyn (Amy is a poop)