Edited:
Happy new year!!!
instead of spamming this story with bonus chapters, I am thinking about making a one-shot book. What do you all think?
Also, for those of you who want to see more of Jamila after what happened, you can get a peek in this chapter.
And one more thing...If there are at least twenty votes and fifteen comments by this coming up Tuesday, there will be an update!
Song: Insha Allah- Maher Zain
Published: Thursday, December 31st 2015, 5:21 p.m
Ayah:
For the past hour, Jafar has been on the phone talking to anyone he can about what's going on with Luca. The way he's stressing, he's going to end up in the hospital as well. And as I watch him now, sitting on the porch and heaving deep sighs once in a while, I can't help but worry about him. This is just too much. Even before we came back here, he was stressing about his family. About seeing his father, worrying about his sister and brother, and trying to mend things with me.
Then working at the school, talking to his father again just to not talk to him, not to mention a new brother in the mix. Those are just a few things that I'll name at the moment. But the most important thing is that we haven't gotten anywhere since being back. Sure we've gone apartment hunting and we've been around each other more, but the feeling of not moving forward is there, deep in my gut. I hate feeling like this, but it feels just like it did right before he left. It was like we were still us, but we weren't getting anywhere. We knew the time for him to leave was near, so there really wasn't any point in moving forward faster if Jafar's absence would slow us down.
I really hate having these feelings, and the only people I would talk about this too are Mama and Jamila, but both have problems of their own and I don't want to bother them. Plus, these feeling could be gone by tomorrow. I could have a whole knew thinking of our future, but deep in my heart, I know it's just wishful thinking. Because if the feeling is there, it's there. There's no changing that.
-*-
November 6th
"Hi! I'm so glad we could meet today. I'm pretty sure I've found what you both are looking for."
We both nodded at Quinn and went into the open apartment, waiting to see if this could be the one. As we stepped inside, the first thing that was noticeable is the open living space, and floor length Windows looking over the meadow across the street to where the sun will set. Right then I knew I would like this place.
"There are two baths, three beds, and a considerable kitchen. No water, molding, or noise problem."
"Are they updated?" Jafar asked, and Quinn nodded. Really, anything updated didn't even cross my mind. I was too caught up into looking out the large windows to even pay attention, but that was until Jafar came beside me and offered a big smile.
"It's beautiful," I whispered after a while, still watching as the sun shone on the brush, and the wind swept by it. "It takes my mind off of the world and onto its beauty."
"That it does," Jafar sighed, placing an arm around my shoulder as we watched nothing but nature. For a minute it seemed perfect...until he opened his mouth. "I have a meeting at the school and won't be done for a couple of hours."
"Today if all days?"
He nodded, pulling me closer to him. "I know. It's somethings to do with the upcoming games, the boys and such...what's wrong?" He asked as I pulled away from his embrace and let out a soft sigh. "Ayah?"
"Nothing," I shook my head out of my thoughts. "Let's just...get back to looking."
Aside from looking over the place a little more and asking for a few more days to make a decision, we made the half hour drive back to town. We were already halfway back and hadn't spoken a real conversation to each other. Jafar has tried many times to start one, but I've turned down the offer. I just don't feel like speaking. I thought I would feel different today and all the issues I came up with last night would leave, but now they're stronger than ever. I sat up and collected my things as Jafar pulled the car in front of Dianne's. Right now I just need to be in the company of my mother and close friend.
"Are you alright? Does your mood have something to do with me leaving for my meeting?"
I stopped in my tracks and turned to him, my mind swirling.
"I'm just tired," I assured him. The look he gave me said he didn't believe me, and to try to convince him, I leaned over and kissed him. "I'll see you when you get back."
-*-
"Here, sweetie," Dianne passed me a cup of tea which I took gratefully and took a seat across from me, Mama on her other side. "I don't understand, Ayah. Why are you feeling this way? I thought since the last time I saw you that you were happy."
"We were, some might say we still are," I took a sip of the tea, feeling it work its way into my system, and placing it on the table. "It just seems that lately he's been so caught up with the drama that is his family that he just becomes so stressed."
"Have you talked about this with him?"
"He won't see it that way, but I do. When he comes back to the house after dealing with them, he looks so lost and worn out."
"I've been living with both of you and I haven't noticed that much of a change in him. He's quiet, but that's it," Mama assured me, reaching over the table to grab my hands. "Now I am not saying that you are imagining these things, but maybe it's not as bad as it looks."
"It is," I nodded, looking down at the table. "I can see it in his eyes. And when I do, I just feel so helpless."
"But you're there for him,"Dianne tried. "A woman can only do so much for her man. Just knowing that you're there must bring him comfort."
"Hey," Mama reached one of her hands up and lifted my chin wen tilted her head. "Don't, Ayah. Don't give up because it's getting tough."
"I'm not."
She let out a chuckle and let go of my hands. "Just like you, I can see it in your eyes. The way you're thinking you don't have another option but letting him be, when in reality, you know what will bring him back to the guy without the drama. Dig deeper."
"Your mothers right," Dianne added. "Is there anything that you know of that will get his mind off of the world."
I pursed my lips, thinking of a solution, but coming up blank. Something to get his mind off of the world.
"I don't know," I gave up, but neither were having it."
"You do," Mama assured me, a small smile on her lips. "And you know it too."
-*-
Jafar:
After a long and tiring meeting, I decided to finally have that talk with my Ummi. So many scenarios of what could happen with the question I ask her has gone through my head, and I find myself not knowing if I should even ask her such a question. It's really inconsiderate of me to ask her this after what she has gone through, especially with him. And the whole drive here I couldn't help but wonder why I've been treating Luca so dearly to me even bought we've just met. Could it by chance have anything to do with the fact that I feel sympathy for him because I didn't undergoe as much absence as he has, or because I genuinely want all the crap to stop?
Because that's what its been like when I was a kid. I just wanted it to stop.
I opened the door and got out of my car, then walked up the walkway and opened the door. Closing the door behind me, I went into the living room and saw Jamila sitting on the couch on her laptop, a look of concentration on her face and sat down beside her.
"You should get out and do something, you know?"
She stopped typing to look at me with a sad smile, which made me even more upset than I already am at that boy. It's one thing to lead her on, but another to just drop her after you get common sense.
"Hey, Jafar. And to answer your question, I am doing something," She pointed to the screen. "I'm working."
"Is it a paying job?"
"You know everything isn't about money?"
"I know," Sitting up, I peered at the screen. "That's nice. Did you make that?"
"I did," She offed me a small smile, clicked another button, then closed the laptop. "How come you never asked me about him? I know you know that I was still in contact with him."
With a sigh, I moved closer to put my arm around my sister, and she rested her head on my shoulder. And that's how we sat for a while, just with each other. We've had our problems, but what brother and sister does anyone know that don't have misunderstandings or disagreements? It's natural, and you know when it's over that they have your back no matter what. And I'll always have my families back. No matter what.
"I want to leave," She finally spoke up, and I looked down at her. "Tehreem offered for me to stay with her for a while until I figure out what I want to do with college, and I'm going to do it."
"If it's because of him, you know you don't have to leave," I told her softly, but she just shrugged.
"I'm not going to lie, it is because of him, but me also. I want to make something of myself other than what I'm doing now; sitting on my but all day and making book covers isn't that. You understand?"
"I do," I smiled at her and lightly stroked her hair, listening as we both spoke to each other about any and everything.
-*-
When done visiting with my family and deciding to think more on the matter of asking my mother to do something I couldn't even see myself doing, I made my way back to town to pick up Ayah. And as I looked through the window to see her laughing along with her mother and Dianne, I couldn't help but think about how beautiful she looks at the moment. They say women glow during their pregnancy, and just from one look, I can see that in Ayah. She looks so happy and content, much happier than she was this morning. Even if she didn't say it, I know she was upset that I had to leave in the middle of the apartment showing because the look of dissapointment she had on her face.
It's is a look that I've seen many times; when I told her about California, when I left, after I came back and told her I had to leave again, when I had to leave suddenly to go deal with something. It's safe to say that I've seen it many times, and I don't want to see it again, but I know I will. So many times I've wanted to plan for us to do something, just the two of us, but there is always something in the way. An obstacle that is determined for us to grow farther apart.
After waiting five minutes longer, I turned off the car, got out, and made my way inside.
"Hello everyone," I smiled as I approached the table, and could barely hear Dianne whisper something to Ayah to which she nodded, before standing up to greet me.
"Excuse me young man, but why are you just seeing me after weeks?"
I gave her a guilty smile and turned to Ayah for help, but she just raised an amused eyebrow.
"Oh, you know," I waved off. "Busy as always. Sorry."
"It's okay this time, but remember," She pointed a finger at me, then turned to Ayah and did the same. "Both of you. I would like to see you coming in more often. Is that clear?"
"Yes," We said in unison, and after flashing her a reassuring smile, she walked away to deal with a problem in the kitchen.
"Assalamu Alaikum," I said to Aunt Amaya, and she nodded in my direction.
"Wa Alaikum Salaam," She said back, watching as Ayah collected her things. "Shall I be expecting you two for dinner tonight?"
"Yeah..." Ayah started to say, but stopped when she saw my face, a look of curiosity on her face. "We're not?"
"I thought that we could join my family for dinner tonight."
"But we always go there. Mama is there by her self."
"Ayah," Aunt Amaya called her, her lips pursed with a small smile. "It's okay, Habibti. Go with your family, I'll stay here with Dianne for a while."
For a minute Ayah looked at her mother, the look back, and I couldn't help but feel guilty that I'm depriving her of time with her mother, but I already agreed to dinner at my old house.
"You ready?" Ayah asked, moving towards the door. I nodded and followed her towards the car, the realization that we just fought going through my head.
-*-
"Jafar, I need to speak with you," I nodded at Ummi and followed her towards the front door. We stepped out into the warm breeze and looked up to the sky to see it was late Asr. It was right after dinner and we were making conversation before you got ready to head home. She sat on the porch steps, and I followed her movements, folding my hands in front of me.
"How have you been doing lately? We don't speak a lot."
"As good as always," I smiled in her direction, then turned to the front yard, watching the kids from the neighborhood playing with a hose.
"Anticipating that?"
"I wouldn't mind," I told her, and she scoffed, shaking her head at me. I let a grin take over my face. "What?"
"Do you know what you and your sisters put me through with our hose?!" She exclaimed, and I laughed, thinking back to my childhood. "I seriously thought I would need to buy another set of clothes for you kids."
"The water felt good on a hot day. A do know you agree."
"You would bring that up," I held my hands in surrender, not able to stop my smile from widening. "All I wanted to do was to call you in for lunch, but the hose 'slipped,' as you said, and soaked me from head to toe."
"But you were still happy."
Ummi smiled, looping her arm through mine and resting her head against my arm. "I always found it hard to stay mad you kids," She started, and I nodded in agreement. "Even when you do stupid things. Which is why I want you to tell me why my daughter in law wears a frown more than a smile."
"No she doesn't," I began to protest, but Ummi lifted her head up and pointed to the Windows st Ayah, who was listening to something Jamila was saying. "She does..."
"Why is the, habibi? What's going on?"
"I honestly don't know," I said. Because aside from today's events, I can't pinpoint why she looks so upset. "If you only know how much that look is killing me."
"Her too."
"Yeah," I turned away from the window, looking down. "What should I do?"
"I think you know the answer already. You know how to fix this."
I took another glance at my wife and frowned deeper. "I surely hope so."
-*-
Ayah:
We pulled in front of the house without saying a word to each other, waiting for the other to make the first move. I didn't want to move because Mama and Dianne's words came back to me. Jafar has been quiet as well, and it's bringing me back to the small argument we had at the diner. It was an stupid argument, and I don't know what came over me to continue to argue for no reason, but I can't take it back now. It happened, I have to move on.
Jafar was the first to open his door, and I followed suit, but didn't make a move to go towards the house. Maghrib would be in in a couple of minutes, but there was something we had to do before then. And as Jafar came around the car to go towards the house, I stopped in front of him, looped his arm with mine and walked towards the woods. Suprisingly, he didn't say anything during the whole journey to the lake, and when we got there, with the help of Jafar, I sat down on the ground, him next to me.
We just sat and looked at the water, and how the different colors of the sky added flavor to the water. Eventually he looked over to me.
"Why are we here?"
"I want you to sing."
"Why?"
"Because," I shrugged. "You always used to sing when you were stressed out. And you haven't in a while."
"Singing isn't going to help. It will just remind me of the life I gave up."
"I know that," I whispered, swallowing a lump in my throat. "But sometimes you have to go through hell to get to heaven. Now sing."
I took my phone out and clicked the camera on to record.
"What am I even going to sing?"
"Our favorite song. You remember it?"
"Yeah," He said, a smile coming onto his face. "I do."
Flashback: Two months married
Ayah and Jafar sat at the playground at the park, swinging in the swings and laughing uncontrollably. The last two months that they've been married had been nothing short of perfect, but they still didn't know a lot about the other. Finally getting fed up with moving back and fourth in the air besides her newlywed husband, Ayah stopped the swing and pursed her lips deep in thought.
"Why'd you stop?" Jafar panted for breath, staring at her still form.
"What's your favorite color?" She blurted out, and he stopped swinging to grin in amusement.
"Why the sudden question?"
"Because," She grinned, looking back at him. "We don't know anything about each other. Sure we've grown up together and are a married couple now, but we don know the minor questions."
For a while he just sat there thinking over her theory, then eventually gave up and complied. There's nothing wrong with playing a game of question, he thought.
"Brown."
She smiled at him and started to swing again. "Mine is burgundy. Your turn."
"Okay."
Jafar rubbed his hands together, making Ayah chuckle, and got ready to ask his next question.
"Favorite flower?"
"White roses. Favorite food?"
"The edible kind. Favorite song?"
"Insha Allah by Maher Zain. You?"
"Same," He smiled and she nodded in appreciation. "Hm, looks like this game is working."
Ayah nodded and continued to swing until she went higher. "I guess so."
End of flashback
I waited for him to start to sing, but I knew he was reminiscing over the conversation we had over a year ago. That day was one of the happiest in my life. All we did was sit around with each other and talk; talks about what we both wanted in the future mostly. I really miss those days. The ones where we weren't thinking about all the problems we could have, but enjoying all the good we were already experiencing. I would give almost anything to be back there again.
And as Jafar started to sing, I felt like I was back there.
'Everytime you feel like you cannot go on
You feel so lost and that you're so alone
All you see is night, and darkness all around
You feel so helpless you can't see which way to go
Don't despair, and never lose hope
'Cause Allah is always by your side
Insha Allah, Insha Allah, Insha Allah, you'll find your way
Insha Allah, Insha Allah, Insha Allah, you'll find your way
Everytime you commit one more mistake, you feel you can't repent and that it's way too late
You're so confused, wrong decisions you have made
Haunt your mind, and your heart is full of shame
But don't despair, and never lose hope
'Cause Allah is always by your side
Insha Allah, Insha Allah, Insha Allah, you'll find your way
Insha Allah, Insha Allah, Insha Allah, you'll find your way
Turn to Allah, he's never far away
Put your trust in him, raise your hands and pray
Ooh, Ya Allah, guide my steps don't let me go astray
You're the only one who can show me the way, show me the way, show me the way, show me the way, Insha Allah, Insha Allah, Insha Allah, we'll find our way
As the song finished, I opened my eyes that I didn't even know I closed and let a content smile form on my mouth.
"Wow," Jafar smiled, a content smile on his face also. He looked different at the moment; happy and stress free is the look on his face. "You were right. It did help."
"No more stress?"
He propped his elbows on his knees, his lips going in a straight line.
"Not completely," He said at last, and I couldn't help but feel it didn't work as well as I thought. "Ayah?"
"Yes?"
"I'm really glad that you're here with me, and I really hope that you don't think that I take you for granted. Because you're the last person I want to be upset with me because I couldn't open my eyes and see what's in front of me."
"I'm not mad," I said truthfully. I'm not mad at him, I know how much his family means to him, but in the midst of looking out for them, he forgot about me sometimes. This is making me sound clingy and needy because I want to be recognized by my husband, but when you have gone through what I have in the last year and a half, you'll understand. "You just spend all of your time worrying about your family, which isn't totally wrong, but then again you forget that you do have another family. I see how you're dealing with these newfound situations, and it's hard to see you like that."
"I'm sorry. I've been absent and I don't want to be, especially since it feels like I'm turning into my father again."
"No, you're not," I was quick to deny him, but he shook his head telling me 'no', and I shook my head back, determined to convince him. "If you think you're wrong for wanting to help too much, you're way off. You are nothing like him."
"I want to do right by you and the baby. I want to be there, and I will."
"You don't have to convince me. I know you do, but you won't be able to unless you take some pressure off of yourself."
"Right now I don't think that's possible."
Reaching towards him, I clasped my hand with his.
"It is. I don't want you to completely ignore your family, but you are one person. You can't fix everything."
"And you want me to just let it be for a while?" I nodded. "It's not that easy."
I hate having to ask him to leave his family alone for a while, but it's the only way to take pressure off of him. I love them, I do, but they're the reason he's stressing. His father, Luca, Jamila, Wasim, and anyone else that has a problem and involves him. It's just too much.
"Like I said, I don't want you to ignore them, but Jafar, it's the only way to relieve this stressing."
He sat there staring at the water, deep in thought, and I couldn't help but think that I said the wrong thing. My intentions are to help him, not to convince him of something I wouldn't ask myself.
"I'll be there for whoever needs me, always, you know that right?"
I nodded, understanding him fully.
"I have to handle some stuff with them at the moment, but I'll keep what you said in mind."
It wasn't exactly the answer I was looking for, but it's definitely a start.
I pursed my lips, nodded, and squeezed his hand tighter. "That's all I ask for."
-*-
Random question: Where are you from? Like, country wise? {I'm from America}
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