"Uh...yeah." I wanted to smile so badly but I couldn't. I had to be mad at her for what she did.
"What are doing here? How are you? You sing? Why didn't you tell me?" As I was about to answer Wes came running down the hall.
"Babe we have to go my dad has a meeting later today." Demi looked back and forth between us. Wesley came up next to me and put his arm around my waist. "Oh hey Demi. Meet my girlfriend Yesenia." I could see Demi's jaw tighten when he said girlfriend. Demi raised her eyebrows at me and sighed.
"We've actually met before." Wesley looked at me funny.
"Really she's never mentioned you." Demi made a surprised expression.
"Really?"
"Yeah really. Babe we have to go, can't keep your dad waiting." I walked off and led Wes in my direction. I didn't look back, I couldn't look back. If I looked back I'd feel guilty. The car ride home was silent. Wes came over and we didn't really talk much.
"Why didn't you tell me you knew Demi?"
"I don't know." Should I tell him why I know Demi? Do I tell him that the special girl from Texas is her? "Wes... Do you remember I told you about that girl from Texas?" He nodded and I waited for him to catch on.
"That's her?" I nodded. He was surprised that Demi was bisexual.
"I don't think she's bi Wes. She kinda just used me, at least that's how I feel." Wes shook his head.
"That's not what I saw back in San Francisco. The way her eyes lit up when she saw you was special." He stood up and walked right to where I was and kneeled down next to me. Wes cupped my cheek and stared at me. "And the way I saw your eyes light up, and the way you looked at her was special too. ...Sometimes I wish you'd look at me like that." I felt my face redden with embarrassment.
"Wesley I love you, you know that right." Wesley shook his head.
"I don't know that Yesenia. I know that you really like me but I'm not sure you love me."
"Is because I won't have sex with you?"
"Is that really the type of guy you think I am?"
"Wes you're a guy. Don't all guys want to have sex?"
"Well yeah but when I have sex I'd like it to mean something and I'd like both of us to be ready. If you're not ready then I won't push it. And I say I don't think you love me because you've never looked at me the way you just looked at Demi."
"Wes you mean a lot to me you know that much right." He nodded. "I also really like you. Like a lot. Okay, you know that feeling you get when you're out in the ocean and see a killer wave coming your way?" Wes chuckled a bit then nodded. "Well that's how I felt when I first met you. Like for weeks I would feel that way whenever I saw you."
"But you don't feel that way anymore?"
"You didn't let me finish. Okay so after you've decided you're going to ride said wave and you go out to it then you start riding it. Do you know that feeling? The feeling of riding a killer wave and just gliding against the water? That pure happiness,glee, and contentment?" He smiled brightly and nodded. "Well that's how I feel when I'm with you now. Complete happiness." Wes leaned in and kissed me. I smiled into the kiss and kissed him back a little fiercer. He laid me down on my bed and continued to make out with me. Wes' hand slowly slid up the side of my stomach to the side of my chest. I wasn't going to let him have all the fun so I slid my hand up his shirt and felt his abs. As our kissing deepened I felt his hands fooling around with the hooks of my bra. I didn't pay attention to it and let him unhook it. My other hand reached down and undid the button of his pants. Wesley in turn felt my breast and fiddled around with the tip of it. I moaned softly. I could feel his length through his boxers, it was long and extremely hard. A really big part of me wanted to have sex with Wes here and now but I couldn't. Not after a fight. My first time would not be make up sex. I pulled my hands away from him and broke off our kiss. "I'm sorry babe I thought you wanted to."
"A big part of me does to be honest but I want it to be special." He got off of me and buttoned his pants back up.
"Right." I hooked my bra back together and changed into my pajamas. "You know changing in front of me isn't going to help this go away," said Wesley as he pointed to his protruding friend in his pants. I laughed a bit.
"Well it's a preview of what you'll get soon enough." He smiled and we laid down next to each other. "I'm so lucky I have you. I don't know if many other guys would be okay with me getting them all hot & bothered and then just leaving them that way." He shrugged.
"I mean it sucks but I can't pressure you to do anything you don't want. Besides I made it halfway between second and third base. What a record," my brown haired boy said with a wink. I kissed him gingerly and felt his hand cup my cheek. He left a few minutes after and I laid awake in my bed staring at the ceiling wondering if I wanted to lose it with Wes. Back in Dallas I'd assumed Demi would take my virginity but she was clearly off the table now. Wes loved me, cared for me, and made me happy. Why couldn't I just shake what ever feelings are left over for Demi? The next day I woke up and found a letter next to my nightstand. I opened it and read it.
Yesenia ,
I received this letter from Demi a few days after you left and thought you should read it. A large part of me didn't want to because I know you're doing a lot better and this will just hurt you. But I felt you deserved to read it. See for yourself that her departure from your life was a blessing.
-love always,
Dad
I grabbed the other paper that was in the envelope and read it.
Dear Yesenia,
I can't see you right now. I couldn't if I wanted to(frankly I don't want to). Anyways I heard you were in the hospital and I hope you're better but I can't ever see you again. It will be terrible for my image if I'm associated with someone who cuts themselves, and purges. Think of what people will say about me? They'll think I'm doing it again and honestly you're not worth the drama. I had fun with you I'll say that but I'm not bisexual that much I know now. Don't tell anyone what happened between us I don't want it getting out. I mean if I'm going to get in the middle of a lesbian scandal I want it to be with someone more......aesthetically attractive (no offense don't cut yourself over this, don't be such a drama queen). Long story short lets act like we never knew each other Kay? Cool, bye.
I dropped the letter and felt nothing. I was numbed. Completely and utterly numb. I couldn't feel a thing. Slowly I got up and walked to my bathroom. I stood on the toilet seat(top down of course) on my tip toes and reached the top of my shower. I grabbed the razor and started dismantling it. The way the blade shone seemed like it was welcoming me back. I closed my eyes and felt the coolness glide over my wrist. It felt good, so good. It felt nice to just forget. To forget about everything, and most importantly everyone. I sat down on my bathroom floor and cut my other wrist. Cutting seemed to give me a high in a sort of way. It was addicting and I couldn't abstain from it for too long. I needed it. The cut on my right hand was a bit deeper and bled more. I freaked out a bit when it wouldn't stop bleeding but when I put pressure on it, it seemed to slowly stop. I washed my hands and my blade, hit it somewhere safe, and washed up to go downstairs. I put on a big sweater that covered my cuts. The numbness seemed to fade as the seconds went by. I had breakfast with my mom and told her I didn't feel well enough to go to school.
"Was it that letter sweetie?"
"No I just have a stomach ache. I'll be fine by tomorrow." She nodded and went to call my school. I climbed back up the stairs and re-read the letter. The numbness was completely gone and was replaced by sobs. My tears were hot and salty as they ran down my face. I tore the letter into pieces and threw them in the trash. If she wants me to act like nothing happened between us then that's exactly what she's going to get. I deleted her number from my phone,erased any pictures we took together, and ripped out all the pages that included her from my diary. Demi was wiped clean of my life. That night I called Wes over because my mom went to her friends house with Dustin. I was alone and that's what I needed to be in order to accomplish what I wanted. I'm a senior with her virginity, how pathetic is that. I want it and I want Wesley. He came over and wanted to hang out in the living room. "My mom isn't home Wes, we can go to my room," I said as my hand touched his thigh sliding closer to his already hardening friend. "I was thinking we could do something a lot more fun tonight."
"I-I- I thought you weren't ready yet," his cheeks turned a bright red and I could tell her was just as eager.
"Well I'm ready now, I want you Wes." I came up next to his ear and whispered ,"I want you badly" just as my hand reached his zipper. He didn't need any more encouragement after that. We ran up to my room and undressed as we went up the stairs. By the time we reached my room we were stripped down to our underwear. I took off my underwear and went to lay down on my bed. He pulled down his boxers and I finally saw him in all his glory. He was long and thick, a good 7". Before he came any closer to me I stopped him.
"Condom. No condom no admittance to super awesome fun town."
"Super awesome fun town?" I nodded and handed him a condom from my nightstand. Wesley put it on and slid himself inside me. It hurt a bit at first but the more he went in & out the better it felt. I suddenly felt myself wanting more and more, harder and faster. I tried not to moan but as Wes went in harder I felt some escape my lips. Wesley kissed me and let his hands explore my upper torso. When I felt his cold hand touch the tip of my breast I shuddered a bit. He broke off the kiss but continued to kiss my neck. I felt him trying to place a hickey, a sign of dominance, on my neck. As he nipped at my skin I couldn't help but feel my body flood with hormones. Wesley pulled himself out of me and arranged us in a different position. This time he pounded me so hard I moaned as loud as I could, not caring if the neighbors heard me. He was giving me complete pleasure and I was going to enjoy every bit of it. I could feel himself about to peak because he started going even harder and even faster. It was surreal how great it felt. Once he came I thought we'd stop but he pulled himself out of me( his friend now limp and soft) and kept my legs spread open.
"Your turn babe," Wesley said with a sly smile. I bit my lip in anticipation and was prepared for him to eat me out. I could feel his tongue glide through me smoothly, tasting everything as he went. I dug my fingers in his hair and urged him to go deeper. With his tongue he started creating tiny circles around my clit.The second he hit my G-Spot I felt myself come. Wesley came up and smiled. He laid down next to me and we cuddled for another hour. We made sure he left before my mom came home. I walked him to the door and he kissed me good night. "That was incredible Yesenia."
"I'd say that went well." Wes chuckled and smiled crookedly.
"Yeah I'd say it did." I felt like I was on cloud nine. I was no longer a virgin. I was no longer innocent. When I got out of the shower my phone rang. It didn't have caller ID but as soon as I saw the numbers I knew who was calling. It was Demi. "Don't answer. Don't answer. Don't answer. Don't answer," I repeated to myself over and over. "Fuck it." I answered it on the fourth ring. "Hello?"
"Yesenia. Hey it's Demi."
"Oh hi Demi."
"So-uhm what's up?"
"Nothing I just. Uhm just got out of the shower."
"Oh are you going to sleep already."
"Yeah that's the plan."
"Oh okay good night. Bye." She hung up and all I heard was silence. What in the actual fuck just happened? Calling me goes against everything she stated in that letter. Why does she love messing with my head?! I put on my pajamas and went to bed. The next morning I got up early and headed to school.
"Have a great day at school! I packed your lunch so you can keep up with the diet." I smiled meekly at her.
"Thanks mom." I got out of the car and hurried inside. This school was a lot different from Tivy, and even more different from my hometown high school. It wasn't bigger than my other schools it just looked and felt different. Being the new girl all over again didn't scare me as much as it should've. Wes didn't go to the same school I did. So I walked to my locker and put some of the books my mom had previously gotten for me. First period was Biology. As I walked in and saw a bunch of freshman and sophomores I regretted not taking it my freshman year. No one really looked very smart, most of the girls in class dressed like whores and most of the guys were dressed like you're typical swag fag. There were a few exceptions and those poor kids looked scared out of their mind to be in this room. I sat down next to some girl with short blonde hair. She wore glasses which I barely noticed because her head was buried in a book. The second bell rung and some girl in a black crop top with low rise short shorts walked up to me. As she got closer I realized she had a tongue piercing and wears heavy make up. She also had a belly button ring,cute.
"Excuse me but you're in my seat."
"I didn't know we had assigned seats."
"We don't but that's my seat, right next to four eyes Francine. She's really smart as you could probably tell."
"Yeah she looks smart." I could tell her patience with me was wearing thin but I didn't care. I was no longer putting up with people's shit.
"This is the last time I'm saying this, get the fuck out of my seat whore."
I laughed sardonically.
"I'm the whore?" I looked at her up and down. "There are plenty of other seats available and I suggest you take one." Our teacher came in so she backed off and went to sit in the back. I wasn't about to let some freshman intimidate me. I didn't see her again until lunch. I was sitting at a table outside,alone, when she and her friends came up to me.
"Aw have no friends?"
"Aw have no life? I don't have time for your shit freshman."
"I'm a sophomore."
"Same shit to me." The girl laughed a bit and then took my lunch bag. "Give it back."
"Let's see what we have here?" She opened the bag and took out my lunch. "A peanut butter and jelly sandwich, yum, a handful of almonds, and a bottle of water. Anorexic much?" My eye twitched when she said anorexic.
"Just give me my shit back." I reached out to grab my bag and accidentally revealed my cutting scars. Only the girl who held my things noticed. When she saw them her facial expression changed. It went from annoyed and cocky to intrigued and curios.
"Ladies I need a little privacy with new girl."
"My name is Yesenia and how about all you hoes leave me alone." The girls got up and left but the one who saw my scars stayed.
"I'm Eevie."
"I didn't ask." She handed me my stuff back and I took a bite of my PB&J sandwich.
"I don't care. Listen we should hang out some time. Go shopping on Melrose?"
"No thanks." She got out a piece of paper and scribbled something on it.
"Just in case you change your mind." She got up and was starting to walk away when she turned around and said "by the way I know something that can make you feel even better than when you cut." Then she continued to walked away. Driving home that day my curiosity peaked.
My mom was working over time so I picked up my brother from school and made dinner. Four days after I met Eevie I heard the bell ring while I was in the living room so I went to see who it was. I opened it expecting to see Wes but it was, to my sort us surprise, Demi. She stood outside and smiled. "Can I come in?"
I nodded and stepped to the side so she could come in. Demi stepped inside. "Wow your new house is amazing."
"Thanks it's my dad's we just moved in awhile ago."
"It's beautiful."
"Do you want something to drink?"
"I'm fine thanks." I sat down across from her on the coffee table.
"So... How did you find me?"
"I asked Wes."
"Oh." It was so quiet you could hear my brother's cartoons from all the way upstairs. "So um I don't want to sound rude but why did you come over?"
"I just wanted to know how you were doing?"
"I'm doing great. I've stopped cutting and purging."
"I'm proud of you." Demi reached out and grabbed my hand but I pulled it away. She sighed and put some stray hairs behind her ear. "What's wrong Yesenia? Why are you acting like this?" My body stiffened and since she was playing dumb so was I.
"What do you mean?" Demi stood up then sat back down in frustration.
"Are you mad at me?" Why is she playing dumb?! It's incredibly frustrating that she can't even own up to what she said! I couldn't keep playing dumb it was just so frustrating and why shouldn't I be able to yell at her for being a bitch?!
"No Demetria I'm not mad at you at all!" Demi gave me a confused look. Oh dear god I'm going to lose it.
"Then why are you being so stiff with me?"
"Oh my god are you kidding me Demi? This stupid act is getting old!" I stood up and opened the door. "If you aren't here to apologize then please leave." Demi stood up and came close to me. She looked me in the eyes and placed a hand on my waist.
"I don't know what you mean Yesenia. I'm not playing stupid and I honestly don't know what I have to apologize for." Anger boiled in me from her denial of what she did. Why couldn't she just own up to what she said and let us work through it!
"You wanna know what you have to apologize for?" Demi nodded and took her hand away from my waist. I grabbed her hand and led her outside. She followed of course. I let go of her hand, choked back the tears I felt forming in my eyes, and with the most stone cold face I could conjure I told her why.
"Because you're a bitch. You're a stone cold, heartless ,lying bitch." I felt my heart breaking as I turned away from her and ran back inside. Once inside I walked into the bathroom and splashed cold water on my face. It didn't help at all. Tears flowed down my face and blurred my vision as I reached for the first aid kit my mom kept in every bathroom. I grabbed the bandages and walked up to my bathroom. I quickly checked to make sure my brother was asleep, he was. Then I walked into my bathroom and grabbed my razor. As it's sharp edge touched my soft skin I remembered what Eevie had said. I put everything down and grabbed my phone. I pulled the number from my trash bin and dialed it.
"Hello?"
"Hey Eevie this is Yesenia."
"Well hi Yesenia I'm guessing you rethought my offer about Melrose?"
"No I remembered what you said about something being better than cutting."
"Yeah I think I remember something about that. Are you interested?" I took a deep breath and realized this was wrong. I was about to say no and hang up but as my trash bin sat in front of me and I saw pieces of the torn letter, I knew what my decision was.
"Yes how fast can you get to my house?"
"Be there in five babe." Eevie was at my house within minutes. I went to go let her in and she smiled at me. "I knew you'd come around."
"So what is it?" Eevie smiled devilishly and pulled something out of her bag. It was a small plastic bag filled with a white powder. "Is that cocaine?" She nodded and I swallowed hard.
"You're not backing out are you?" I stood silent. "Listen Yesenia this will make you feel incredible trust me, and besides if you don't like it you don't have to pay for it." Eevie pulled out a small mirror from her bag and rolled up a dollar bill. She emptied the plastic bag and spread it out on the mirror into lines. "Come on Yesenia stop being do dramatic." My phone rang and I went to check who it was, it was Demi. I pressed ignore and walked back to Eevie.
"Okay let's do it." She smiled and I kneeled down next to her. I grabbed the rolled up bill from her hand and placed it atop the coke. I took a breath and then snorted the white powder. It didn't take long for me to feel the euphoric effects. My energy levels went up by a million and I felt like I could run a mile. Eevie got hyper too so we went to my backyard and got in the pool. I stripped down to my underwear and so did Eevie. We jumped in the pool and splashed each other. "EEVIE I FEEL INCREDIBLE WHY HAVEN'T I TRIED THIS BEFORE?!?!"
"I don't know bitch but come on and swim with me!" We went all the way to the bottom of the pool and then back up. All of a sudden the energy I had disappeared and in place of it was paranoia and anxiety. I was no longer in my backyard pool I was suddenly in the middle of the ocean.
"Eevie! We have to get out of here there are sharks underneath us! Eevie let's go!"
"Yesenia there's no sharks you're being a paranoid bitch!"
"No no Eevie listen to me! Oh my god I just felt it touch my leg! Eevie there are sharks in here let's go!" I swam all the way out and so did Eevie. The paranoia wore off and it was replaced by utter happiness and feelings of supremacy. "Eevie I'm so happy right now like I could die and be so happy with my life." We walked into the kitchen and started eating.
"Me too Yesenia I'm like so glad we're friends. You're such a great person."
"I AM such a nice person! I'm really hot too, god Wesley is lucky he gets to fuck me. You're really hot too Eevie."
"Thanks Yesenia and your hair is so pretty like I could fuck your hair. If I was a lesbian I'd fuck you right now."
"If I was a straight girl I'd fuck me too." Lastly came the irritability and restlessness. I went from seat to seat in my living room not finding the right one feeling like fucking goldilocks. "Eevie all these chairs are wrong. They aren't comfy!" Eevie got up from her seat and kissed my cheek.
"Sorry bitch but I have to go I can't stand your annoying ass voice anymore." She was at the door when she turned around. Eevie pulled out another bag with the white powder and threw it at me. "You owe me $30 bucks tomorrow at school. Enjoy bitch." She left me all alone to figure out what emotions came next before I calmed down. I got a bit drowsy and had a terrible headache but that was about it. As I laid down in my bed that night I couldn't stop thinking about the pleasure I got from the coke. I knew it was wrong but I didn't care. It felt better than cutting and it didn't leave any scars. That white powder made me forget about Demi and Wes and any other problems in my life. It let me focus on me and let me be happy. It only lasted half an hour but if I did it repeatedly maybe it'll last longer. Besides I can stop anytime I want. I got up and grabbed the plastic bag out of my drawer and grabbed a mirror. I did exactly as Eevie did and rolled up a dollar bill. My nose touched the bill and the dollar touched the mirror. I inhaled and began the euphoric roller coaster