A lot of people were getting emotional with the graduation coming up. People kept hugging each other. There were boys who kept singing Alice Cooper's "School's Out." I wanted to point out that there was still college, but wondered whether they would even go. Some girls huddled in small groups and I could hear them whisper, "We'll still keep in touch, okay?"
On Thursday afternoon, the day before graduation, Kendra and I were cleaning up our lockers. We agreed beforehand that we wouldn't get all teary-eyed while storing everything away, but Kendra kept sniffling beside me. She also kept reminiscing about every single object she picks up inside her locker.
"I remember when Vincent wrote me this amazing poem," she sobbed as she looked down at the piece of paper she was holding. "He was such a good boyfriend. He treated me nicely and wrote sweet things about me. I should go out with more writers in the future."
"Why did you break up with him, anyway?" I asked, frowning at her. Kendra might have had twelve steady boyfriends ever in her whole life, but I know she only treasured three of them. There was Vincent, an English major in college she dated when we were in junior year. And then there was Ethan, who she met through me. Ethan asked me out originally but then asked about Kendra the whole time we were eating dinner. In the end, I set him up with Kendra. She immediately liked him but they had to break up because he moved to another state.
And then there was Daniel, who she loved more than anything in the world.
"I broke up with Vincent because I didn't love him anymore," she said, shrugging her shoulders. Kendra was the kind of person who believes in falling in love and then falling out of love while some people believe that you can just fall in love once in your whole life.
"Huh, I kind of liked Vincent, but Daniel was still the best," I said, waiting for her reaction. She didn't like it whenever someone mentions Daniel. It brings back bad memories, she always said.
But this time, she smiled a small dreamy smile and nodded. "Yeah," she murmured. "He was the best."
"Kendra! Dee!"
The both of us turned around and saw our other friend, Margaret Graham. She's a great friend and Kendra and I met her when we were all freshmen. She's loud and quirky, which was so unlike us. She sometimes hangs out with us. You could say that she's our adopted child.
"Hey, Margaret," I greeted her as she continued panting, out of breath, before me. It was no question she ran all the way from here.
"What are you guys up to?" she asked, grinning up at us.
"Cleaning our locker," Kendra replied. "You should, too, you know. You should clean all those dirty bubblegum you stuck there for the past four years."
The two of us laughed, leaving Margaret blushing. It was in her nature to chew gum all the freaking time and just leave it inside her locker. She never leaves her books there, anyway. In fact, I haven't seen her bringing a book for the past four years. It's a wonder how this girl could be our salutatorian.
"Maybe I won't. It would be quite a surprise for the next student who will use it," she said, smirking wickedly.
"Ugh, you're disgusting," I told her, but there was a smile on my face. "Anyway, why don't you help us clean our lockers? You're not going to clean yours anyway."
"Fine," Margaret sighed and kneeled down to help me with my stuff. "Hey, Kendra. Are you going to the cemetery later?"
I looked at Margaret, as if she grew another head. She just did not say that. She knew that topic was off limits. Even I kept thinking about it earlier. I just did not mention anything, in fear of hurting Kendra's feelings.
Margaret almost immediately recognized her mistake and she clapped her hand to her mouth. She was known for chewing bubblegum to most people. But to people who really did know her, they would also add that she's a very tactless person, who couldn't control what the hell she was saying.
"Shit. I-I'm sorry. Of course you're not going to the cemetery," she muttered under her breath and looked down on the ground, suddenly ashamed.
I glanced at Kendra and waited for her reaction. Her back was on me, so I didn't see her expression. When she turned to face us, she was sporting a small smile on her face. I didn't even know if it was fake or not, and I'm her best friend. Sometimes Kendra could be such a good actress.
"It's okay, Margaret. You don't have to be sorry about it," she said softly. "But yes, I am going to the cemetery."
"Really?" I spoke up. It's been two years since it happened, but she never visited him ever. She doesn't want to dwell on to the past.
"Yes. I guess he would want me to go," she said, looking at me now. I knew then she was sincere. "Would you accompany me, Dee?"
"Of course I would." I wouldn't let my best friend to go through this alone. She needed me. And I knew if I was in her position, she'll go with me too.
The bell suddenly rang, signaling the end of classes. The three of us looked at each other and smiled sadly. That was the last time we're going to hear that bell in our high school lives. It was pretty emotional, since Margaret started bawling like a child. Seconds after she did, Kendra cried too. I wasn't the kind of person who tears up easily and so I ended up being the one comforting the two of them with the traditional pat on the back.
After we cleaned up our lockers (and cleaned up their swollen eyes), Kendra, Margaret and I went to the parking lot. Kendra was driving Topher's truck sine he was at home most of the times with the mysterious Sarah. I haven't seen her yet, and I couldn't wait to, which was why I'm having dinner with them Saturday night.
"My car's over there," Margaret said, pointing to the right. "I'll see you guys tomorrow, okay?" Then she frowned, confused. "Wait... Graduation is tomorrow, right?"
"Yes, Margaret," I said. "Aren't you supposed to write your salutatorian speech?"
"Oh shit, yeah," she said, biting her lower lip.
"We'll be cheering for you when you claim your salutatorian award," Kendra added.
"Aww, thanks, guys. That really means a lot— Ooh, who's that guy with the Mercedes Benz?"
I turned around and saw James, leaning on his car like a model from a poster. He was wearing another suit, but this time, he was also wearing some shades. When he saw me look at him, he took off his shades and gave me a blinding smile. My heart stopped, and it felt like as if I was in a rom-com movie.
"Oh my God, he just smiled at us," Margaret gasped. "Kendra, is this one of your many admirers?"
I suddenly felt awful with what Margaret said. Of course she didn't know about me and James, but it still kind of hurts that Kendra was her first choice to link with him. It was as if Kendra deserved James way more than I do.
"Uh, not exactly. He's Dee's admirer," Kendra corrected her, nudging me in the sides.
Margaret looked surprised for a moment as she looked at me in awe. I shrugged carelessly, as if to say, What are the odds, huh?
"You're dating that guy?"
"Just a summer fling," I said dismissively.
I turned back at the Mercedes Benz but James was already gone from his car. He was already making his way towards us. I felt my heart skip a beat as he walked to us, his eyes never leaving mine.
"Hey there, gorgeous," he said and gave me a peck on my cheek. He also placed his arm around my shoulders. I couldn't help but feel smug towards Margaret who couldn't stop gaping at me.
"James, this is my friend, Margaret Graham," I introduced her. "And, Margaret, this is my... uh..." I looked at James helplessly.
"Summer fling, yeah," Margaret said, completely star struck with James. She shook James's waiting hand. "I'm surprised Dee never mentioned you before."
"Oh, we just met last Saturday," he said nonchalantly.
"They completely hit it off. They also had a pretty intense two days," Kendra joked. When nobody laughed, she just shrugged.
"Do you have anything else to do? We could grab some yogurt if you want," James suggested.
I looked over at Kendra and then back at James. I smiled apologetically. "I'm really sorry, James, but I have to accompany Kendra somewhere. I'll just call you tonight or something."
James looked genuinely crestfallen and I can't help but feel sorry for him. "Oh... that's all right. It's my fault for showing up unannounced, anyway."
"I'm really sorry," I repeated lamely.
"Wait," Kendra butted in. "You can come with us, if you want to, James. It wouldn't take long. Really. We're just going to visit... an old friend in the cemetery."
I looked at Kendra, my mouth open. Was she really doing this for me? "Are you sure?" I asked her. "Wouldn't it be awkward?"
"I'm pretty sure it's going to be fine, Dee," Kendra assured me.
"Great," James said, smiling at the both of us. "I'll just use my car and you two use yours."
Margaret said her goodbyes and left, still staring at James as if he was some sort of a Hollywood actor. When I got in Topher's truck with me on the passenger's seat and Kendra in the driver's seat, I noticed Kendra's shoulders were hunched and that she had a faraway look in her eyes. "You okay there?" I asked softly as she started fastening her seatbelt.
She nodded. "Yep."
"You don't have to do this if you don't want to. You can visit him another time."
"No," she said, shaking her head. "Today's the right time. I've been procrastinating for a very long time, and I already miss him."
I sighed and gave my best friend a supportive smile. "If you say so."
***
Kendra and I were both thirteen when we met Daniel Stevenson. He was the first ever boy Kendra had a serious crush on. I didn't like him at first. He was very touchy with Kendra and whenever the three of us hangout, it was as if he wants me gone.
When Kendra agreed to be his girlfriend, I was furious with her. I stopped hanging out with her and stopped talking to her. Because of this, I hung out with Topher, who was fifteen at that time. He didn't like me following him everywhere. Even his bandmates didn't like me. But Dave, the drummer of the band, was the same age as I was. I dated him to feel superior to Kendra. After one month of not speaking to each other, I decided to make peace and went over to her house. To my surprise, it was Daniel who opened the door.
"What are you doing here?" I demanded. "Did she tell you to move in with her?"
"What? No," Daniel said, surprised. "But I'm glad you came. I have to talk to you."
"Well, I don't want to talk to you. Besides, where's Kendra? I have to talk to her, not you."
"She's out with Mrs. Byrnes," he answered. "They will be home in a few minutes. I got to talk to you before they arrive."
"Well, what do you want?" I said angrily, crossing my arms across my chest. "Isn't it enough that you broke my friendship with her? She was my best friend and I can't believe you took her away from me. I hate you."
Daniel didn't seem affected by what I said. He just sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "I'm sorry if you think that, but that's not what I want for you and Kendra. I want you two to be friends again. She misses you a lot."
I was silent, because I missed her a lot, too. But why was Daniel telling this to me? I thought he hated me as well.
"I don't you hate you, Dee. I actually wanted to be friends with you. It was just... I'm nervous around you," he said quietly. "You were so close with Kendra and I was jealous about that. She tells you stuff that she never told me and I want that kind of relationship with her."
"So you were thinking of me as your competition?" I clarified incredulously. "I'm not a lesbian, Daniel."
"I know that you aren't," he replied patiently. "I know that some things are just not meant for me. Some things are just meant for the best friend to hear, and not the boyfriend. So can you please make up with Kendra? I hate seeing her so unhappy without you."
Finally, I accepted him as Kendra's boyfriend and started hanging out with the two of them. I started noticing things I never noticed before. Kendra was happy all the time, smiling at the mention of Daniel's name and just has that look in her eyes whenever they see each other. The three of us hang out all the time, and there wasn't a time when I felt being left out. When Margaret came, she hung out with us, too.
Sadly, Daniel didn't live long enough.
After the third year of their happy relationship, Daniel was diagnosed with leukemia. It was a small thing at first. We didn't mind it, thinking it would just somehow go away and leave our friend for good. But it didn't. It got worse and it even reached the point where Kendra started cursing God. She never cursed God before.
When Daniel died, Kendra cried her eyes out. I never saw my best friend so sad and distraught. She locked herself inside her room, and never came out for two days. Topher and I tried to comfort her, but she pushed us away. Last year on Daniel's first death anniversary, I asked her if she would go to the cemetery. She replied a curt no. I told her that it would make Daniel very happy for Kendra to visit him.
"Daniel wouldn't want you to avoid him, would he?" I said.
"Oh piss off, Dee," she snapped at me, losing her temper. "You don't know the feeling of losing someone you love!"
That alone sparked my anger. At that time, the unfaithfulness of Wendell was still fresh. "I lost Peter and Wendell, too, Kendra! Don't you remember?"
"See, that's the difference between the two of us!" she screamed. "Daniel didn't choose to go. He was simply taken away from me. Peter left you, Dee, because he doesn't love you! Wendell left you too because you were not good enough for him!"
That was the first time I slapped somebody on the face. "You want to talk about people leaving us? Fine," I said, my voice dangerously low. "At least my dad didn't leave our family. At least he was loyal to my mother. And just so you know, Peter didn't leave me. I left him because he's gay. And though Wendell cheated on me, I was the one who broke up with him. Get your freaking facts straight before you say them, bitch."
That was our very first serious fight. We didn't talk for two months. When we saw each other in school one day, we just looked at each other and knew in our hearts that we were sorry. So we apologized awkwardly and we made up after that. We never spoke about those nasty words we said to each other. It was clear that we didn't mean the words we said. It was just in the moment.
Kendra might have dated eleven boys after Daniel. She might have even loved some of them. But that didn't erase her feelings for Daniel. I knew that she's still in love with him after all these years. I wouldn't even be surprised if that love would never go away.
And now we were at the cemetery, visiting Daniel. I sat on the grass and put my hand on Daniel's name. "Hi, Danny Boy," I murmured, using my own nickname for him. "Kendra and I miss you very much. Hope you're having fun watching us suffer our last year in high school."
I could feel James lingering at the back and being quiet. I gave him a summary about Kendra's relationship with Daniel as fast as I could while she was buying some flowers.
Kendra laughed softly. She sat beside me and laid down the bouquet on the grass. "Well at least you're not enduring the pains of senior year."
"We're graduating tomorrow, so I guess we did something right," I said. Then I looked at Kendra. "Is there anything you'd like to say more, Kendra?"
She hesitated and bit her lip. She looked down on Daniel's name. "I miss you," she whispered, her voice cracking and her eyes tearing up. "I know I haven't visited you for two years... but I just want you to know that I'm trying my best to be happy. Maybe it is time that I should let you go. But, I will always, always love you, Daniel. No matter what. You'll always be my first love. I love you, Danny Boy."
I took Kendra's hand and squeezed gently. "I'm pretty sure Danny Boy loves you too," I whispered.
***
James and I left Kendra alone after an hour hanging out at the cemetery. It was getting late and I had to prepare my things for tomorrow. Kendra wanted to stay and just be with Daniel alone. I hugged her goodbye and left with James.
"So she never visited him after two years?" James asked as we were walking to his car to the parking lot.
"Mhm," I said. "She didn't want us mentioning his name. Last year, I asked her if she wanted to go to the cemetery but we ended up fighting. She's very sensitive when it comes to Daniel."
"She loves him very much, doesn't she?"
"Well, it is obvious. Daniel's been gone for two years, and she still hasn't gotten over it."
"I wish someday I would find somebody who could love me the way Kendra loves Daniel," James said casually, his hands in his pocket. "I know it's kind of cheesy to say it that way, but having somebody love you like that... It makes you feel all kinds of happiness, don't you think?"
I smiled up at James and kissed his cheek, surprising him. "I'm feeling a lot of kinds of happiness when I'm with you," I confessed.
James grinned and kissed me, this time on my lips. "Me too," he murmured against my lips.
He took my hand, and I couldn't help but feel everything was just right.
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