My body felt limp and useless as his hands traced the outline of my arms, making my skin shiver with delight. His fingers felt delicate against my soft skin, and I soon felt my eyes fluttering close as I let myself relax. There was a first time for everything, wasn't there?
Ghost lips touched my exposed ear as his fingers trailed lower, meeting contact with my clothed waist. His grip was firm and powerful, letting me know that he had no intentions of letting go. Time felt frozen as he moved closer, his body warm enough to keep me from freezing for days. I wanted to turn around in his arms; to reach out and touch his lips with my own.
His hot breath against my neck made goose bumps rise all over me within seconds. All I wanted, needed even, was for his lips to dance along my skin. But that moment did not come, and as I finally built up enough courage to face the man I yearned for most, all I saw was a mass of black. The weight of his arms around my waist disappeared and I was left all alone. Closing my eyes, my mind seemed to spin before I felt a new weight.
My eyes opened to meet nothing but white, and then suddenly, black. I sat in a chair as the cloth of a blindfold kept me from viewing my surroundings. Desperate for contact, I outstretched my arms before me, clutching nothing but air. But then suddenly, I felt my fingers touch something soft; something warm. Reaching further, I let my fingers run through his hair gently, untangling some of it. My other hand traced his jawline before I let my palm rest on his cheek. Slowly and cautiously, I pulled him towards myself. He was obviously not standing, but kneeling. His head became a heavy weight on my legs as I continued to run my fingers through his silky hair. Forcing him to lift his head, I waited for him to stand up. When he was up, I grabbed onto his arm and pulled him forward. His breath hit my own as I closed my eyes behind the blindfold, waiting for his lips to meet mine. The heat from his breath seemed to have slipped out of thin air as the blindfold disappeared and I was no longer in a room of white, but in a room of red. Tears brimmed my eyes, so I closed them and didn't dare open them again.
Had I been foolish enough to believe what wasn't mine could be touched so easily?
--- -
My dream didn't seem to make any sense, yet it did. The black, white and red, and whom I could best assume was Vic. Why in the world would I have ached for somebody like him to crave my attention and affection? He was the last person on the Earth I wanted to be with. Silently, I kept replaying the faint details of the precise dream. It had shown me a side of myself I had never explored before; desperation. Never had I been as desperate as I was in my head, in that dream. I mentally and physically craved for Vic, or whoever, to want me in the same way I wanted them. And when I believed I was going to obtain him, he vanished and my desperation only became a heavier weight on my shoulders.
Sheets ruffled, dragging me from my thoughts. Vic sat up in his bed, letting out a groggy moan of displeasure before pushing aside some of his hair that had fallen over his eyes. I watched him in admiration, stopping myself when I became aware of my actions. Stop yourself, Kellin... Nothing good could come from this.
"Mornin'" Was all Vic said, his voice cracking here and there. I retaliated with a simple good morning, letting him leave the room in silence before I gathered up my own clothes and shut the door, changing hastily. Once I was properly dressed, I hurried out of the dorm and went downstairs to the lobby for breakfast. Like usual, I was planning on claiming a spot at Vic and his friends' table, but a bump on my shoulder interfered with that.
"Hey, watch it- oh," I stopped myself before my voice could carry out any other verbal insults. Justin gave me a look of confusion; I sensed it the second our eyes met. "Hi." I spoke first after Justin didn't retaliate.
"Hey... I was hoping to catch you. Can we talk?" Justin replied a few seconds later. I nodded, following him out of the busy kitchen and into an unoccupied hall. Soundlessly, I rested against the frame of the door, unsure as to what I could say. I had no reason; no excuse, even.
"Why?" Justin spoke. I guess that was one way to ask. With a sigh, I almost began to explain, but Justin continued to speak to my disbelief. "Why have you been avoiding me? And why didn't you tell me you were dating Vic or that you were gay or bisexual or whatever. Hell, why even are you dating Vic?"
"...Look, it's a long story which I don't have time to explain right now. I'm sorry, you did nothing wrong." Was all I could think to say. I couldn't tell him the truth, if I did Vic would eventually find out and then everything would turn to shit. I couldn't afford for that to happen.
"Damn right I haven't, now tell me what's going on." Justin demanded in an annoyed tone. I rolled my eyes in a subtle way, hoping he wouldn't notice.
"I seriously don't have time right now. I promise I'll explain everything later, okay?"
"...Fine, but just one thing," Justin agreed with an unsatisfied sigh. "Are you really dating Vic?" He asked in a softer tone, eyes locking with mine. For the first time, lying just wasn't rolling off my tongue. After so many years of lying, the look on Justin's face seemed to demolish my abilities.
"Of course," I choked out, not able to make it sound remotely believable. "I lo-" I started up again to make myself sound more believable, but bit my tongue as I realized what I was about to say. "I like him a lot." I corrected myself with a nervous smile, blushing furiously. You're so stupid.
After that I muttered a quick see you later before hurrying back to the kitchen, getting something for breakfast and sitting down next to Vic who has gotten his own breakfast in the span of time Justin and I talked.
"I wondered where you ran off to." Vic spoke in a smug manner, watching me sit down beside him. All I did was nod and begin to eat my own breakfast. For once, everyone was silent. I didn't like it one bit, because it was annoying listening to everybody chomping on their own food and it was unbelievably awkward. It seemed as if Mike, Tony and Jaime had no idea what to say to Vic and I since they realized we were "dating". I couldn't blame them because I would act in the same demeanor.
I was quick to cut breakfast off and hurry to first hour. Vic joined me shortly thereafter and nothing particularly interesting or unusual took place. After classes I barely dodged Vic, having to walk down a back alley to avoid bumping into him. The last thing I needed to worry about was how I felt about Vic. What I did need to worry about was how I was going to explain all of this to Justin.
He was easy enough to find. Justin was constantly in the lobby doing something if he was alone. Our eyes met as I crossed the lobby almost nervously. We exchanged hellos before deciding to go to a quieter place to talk. Mentally, I kept repeating everything that had been going on. Now to just explain that without saying "we aren't actually dating" or "it's all just for show".
"So, can I ask you to explain or are you going to back out of it like you did this morning?" Justin spoke first, digging into my skin little by little. Deep within, I knew I deserved it. I had pushed him away, and even if I didn't care, he did.
"No, I'll explain," I defended myself lightly, letting out a sigh. "First off, I'm sorry I've been ignoring you recently. I know it wasn't a smart thing of me to do after our last fight. Secondly, the reason I never admitted my sexuality is because I didn't know you too well and I was afraid that you would judge me or something," I lied, barely able to do so. "I'm bisexual, don't get me wrong, I just felt it was too early to admit it and-"
"So instead of telling me privately after we started hanging around each other you blast it all over campus for attention?" Justin interrupted harshly. Crap, I hadn't thought that through.
"I... I didn't want to have to tell you directly, I'm sorry. I thought it would be easier to just let everybody know all at once. And the whole deal with Vic is pretty complicated-"
"Obviously," I heard Justin mutter under his breath, but I decided to ignore it.
"It's complicated because I didn't think I actually liked him. I didn't think he liked me either to be quite honest. I guess after spending so much time with him, because we live together, I got to know the part of Vic that doesn't necessarily show out here and around others. And slowly I just started to like him. I thought he was a bigger asshole than I am, which would take a lot of effort, but then I started to think less of him in that way and more in a way of affection and caring. Then he asked me out and I panicked and almost said no before coming back to reality and realizing I did genuinely like him, so I said yes. We kept it quiet for a day or two before finally deciding everyone would figure it out eventually and that we might as well make it public. And I guess, here we are." I spilled unknowingly. Hastily, I pulled my lips into a tight line, replaying what I had just admitted. All of it had been true, except for the whole asking me out and liking him before. I didn't like Vic before, but I did now.
I liked Vic now, I admitted in honesty, and I didn't know if I wanted to shout it from the rooftops or not utter a single syllable.