Niall shuffled in his chair uneasily. He'd been asked a question he didn't want to answer but didn't know how to avoid it. The Psychologist just continued to sit there quietly, smiling at him but saying nothing. Niall folded his arms and crossed his legs as the silence grew. He shrugged , unwilling to speak but still the silence stretched out before him. "Niall?" He looked up at her.
"I don't know" he whispered. "I just couldn't face it. It seemed the only way out."
"And do you still believe that?" she questioned quietly
"Maybe, I don't know, yes!" he pushed up from his chair and started pacing the room.
"Would you like to tell me why?" that quiet voice, pushing him for answers.
"I don't know, just leave it...please..just leave it" Niall buried his face in his hands as he sat back in the chair.
"I think this may be a good point to stop for today, Niall. How do you feel about that?" That quiet voice again. He nodded and stood to leave.
"Niall? I need to to be honest with me. It's the only way I can help you"
"I don't want your help. I don't need it. I just want to be left alone. Don't you people understand. Leave me alone". Niall hurried from the room and Louis who had been waiting outside for him had to hurry to catch up.
"Slow down, mate" Louis finally caught up with him and wrapped an arm around his shoulders. "How about we go clubbing tonight, do something fun. What do you say?" Niall just shook his head. Home was where he wanted to be , away from everyone and their fussing and questions. "Right then, lads night in it is" Louis said, leading Niall to the car.
Harry, Liam and Zayn were waiting for them, anxious to know how Niall's appointments had gone. Niall headed straight upstairs 'to shower' he said , leaving Louis to fill the others in. "He's had his medication changed....once weekly injections now ...not much chance of him trying something with that, especially as he hates needles. Not sure about the counselling. I don't think it went great as I heard him shouting he didn't need or want help. He stormed out of the room. I just don't know, lads. He needs the help but he's not accepting it" Louis looked as worried as he sounded.
"Bro, he'll come round" Zayn said softly " He's going through so much. He just needs time to think it all through. We jus have to be there for him"
Niall wandered down the stairs at that point and the conversation turned to lighter topics with Niall and Louis bickering about who supported the best 'footie' team. Once the snacks and beer were brought out, spirits got progressively higher as the boys got more and more drunk.Eventually Harry, Liam and Louis passed out ,stretched on various couches and chairs leaving Zayn and Niall still awake. Alchohol had broken down their inhibitions and the conversation became more serious.
"Ni, why did you do it?" Zayn wanted to know
"Honestly? I don't know Zee. Cowardice, mainly. I don't think I can live with becoming nothing but a wreck. That's not living.I thought I could go out on a high, before it got bad. It seemed like it was the right answer" Niall said quietly.
"But what about your family, us? Didn't you think how we'd feel? We love you, bro. You are meant to be here with us" Zayn's emotions were close to the surface and for once he wanted someone to see the pain he felt.
"I didn't think. I know it was selfish of me , Zee, but I just wanted it to end.I still do...maybe....I don't know. I just don't know anymore. Everything got on top of me and I couldn't break free. The hate from fans, you leaving, Management, having to keep secrets from the other lads, now this illness. It just kept piling on until it was crushing me.I just wanted out and didn't think beyond the peace I needed"
"Niall, will you promise me something? Will you promise that if ever you want to do this again, you'll talk to me first? Let me help you. Suicide isn't the answer, believe me. Just promise?"
Niall looked into Zayn's golden eyes and saw the pain he had caused him by twice trying to take his own life. As he stared into the shifting depths of those sad eyes, he knew that he had to promise and once that promise was made, he'd keep it. Finally he nodded his head "I promise.".
The two men sat in silence for a time then gradually Niall started grinning. "How about we prank the lads?" he whispered."I know just what to do". He scooted closer to Zayn and whispered rapidly in his ear". Zayn's smile got bigger and bigger. If they could pull it off, it would be epic!