The fifteenth of March felt momentous. It was the day I returned to work after my break to recuperate. It was the day Harry returned to tour. We were both making steps toward our futures and though we weren't together, I felt his energy encouraging me to be brave.
The morning went by smoothly. I woke up and ate breakfast in the kitchen. I skipped over making tea because I knew it wouldn't compare to Harry's and I was in no mood for disappointment. I dressed for work and gathered my laptop in my bag. Just before I left, I checked my phone. There was a single new message.
Harry: Big day for the pair of us. Have a great day back at work. I'll call you tonight. I'm thinking of you .xx
I stood by the door giddily. I read the words again and again until I could hear the sweet, slow drawl of Harry's voice in my head saying them. The spell he had on me was intensifying with each day.
Me: Good luck tonight at the show. Tell the other boys I say hi. Can't wait to talk to you x
I tucked my phone away and willed Harry out of the forefront of my mind. I had to focus on work and immersing myself in that part of my life for now. I couldn't have Harry for a few more weeks so I had to distract myself somehow.
Nerves coursed through my body that paralleled those from my very first day of work. I had been new to London without a friend in the city to help me along. At that time, I was unaware of the impact taking the job would have on my life. I would meet some of my best friends. I would travel the world. I would have a job that I loved. I would meet celebrities and fashion designers and socialites. I would meet my boyfriend.
I didn't even have to call Eli to take me to work. Alessandra was waiting in the lobby of my building. She told me she found out I was coming back to work and didn't want to break our routine of her taking me to work each morning. The car ride was spent catching up on the latest office gossip and Alessandra asking if I was feeling okay every few minutes about Harry's departure.
The office looked just how I remembered it. People greeted me with swift kisses on my cheek and supportive pats on my shoulder. They would ask if I was doing well after my leave of absence. I brushed it off lightly, never going into detail as to why I left and people were polite enough not to ask.
Everything on my desk was neat and orderly. The only thing out of place was the calendar above my computer that was still flipped to January. I ran my fingers over the keyboard to my computer as it turned on. When the screen illuminated before me, a tidal wave of emails flooded my inbox. Welcome back to work, I thought.
"Could the digital team please meet in the South Conference Room in fifteen minutes, please?" The voice was sweet, but firm. I would know the voice anywhere. I turned in my seat and caught the eye of Ruby.
"Hi, Ruby," I smiled.
"Oh my!" Ruby stormed over to me and caught me in her arms just as I stood up. "You are back! I've missed you like mad!"
She was known as Ruby T. No one was really sure what her last name was, but some of the best guesses were Tucker or Thompson. She was expressive and classic. She wore her heart on her sleeve to the point where it was practically visible, but she had a cold streak reserved for people just like Laura. Her style was something out of a 1987 New York City nightclub with loud prints and exotic textures. When we had to dress professionally, her outfit wasn't complete without a bold colored pair of tights or a flashy novelty bracelet or headband. She was inclusive, memorable, and sweet. Intellectually, she was the type of girl quirky boys were drawn to. Personality wise, she was the type of good girl that bad boys fantasized about. She was hopelessly amazing and hardly aware of it.
"How have you been?" I asked.
"I could ask you the same thing!" She pulled me back and held me at arm's length. "I'm fine! Busy, but you know. And you?"
"Doing great!"
"I am beyond glad you're back," she giggled. "No one is as efficient as you. And we miss your stellar ideas."
I blushed, "I bet you were fine without me. Where is Laura?"
Ruby rolled her eyes bitterly, "Since we are equals as the heads of digital strategy, we split our time on tour. Julia assigned her the Latin America, Asia, and Oceania legs of tour. I was given Europe and North America as well as awards season and the holiday appearances."
"Ah," I smirked. "So you got the better deal."
She shrugged and feigned innocence, "Are you surprised?"
My time at work would breeze by, and then crawl by. I sat at my desk for hours furiously typing emails and crafting tweets to be sent out from different One Direction accounts. I went to meetings. I answered phone calls. I was given a task list to finish by the afternoon.
There were several times when time seemed to stand still. I was frustrated when people would come by and I didn't recognize them. I would be given vague instructions that people assumed I understood, but I had no clue what they meant. I escaped to the bathroom to fight back tears in privacy three times that afternoon.
I thought about taking Ruby and Alessandra aside and explaining to them why I was granted a leave of absence. They were two of my closest friends and I trusted them fully. All I would have to do is tell them I have amnesia and need a little help remembering certain things. They would understand, no doubt. They would be sympathetic and accommodating. Just as I was about to approach Ruby, my condition suddenly felt too personal to share. Sure, they knew about my headaches, but not about the amnesia. I felt my lip quiver and I rushed to the bathroom once more to dry my tears.
I subconsciously checked my phone every few minutes hoping to see a message from Harry. I was fully aware of his schedule. The band had sound check, pre-concert interviews, he would sleep, go to hair and makeup, dress, and perform. He hardly had the time to text me. Despite all this, I was still disheartened when I received no new messages.
____________
Since it was the tour launch, the office planned to live stream the concert and have a small party to celebrate the efforts of the team to prepare for the season. Ruby reminded me of the party and begged me to stay. I would have preferred to go home. I really didn't play a role in preparing the tour and had no reason to celebrate. I also didn't really feel ready to see Harry.
"It will be a ball," Ruby pressed. "It has already been catered. Please, just stay for a little bit."
I don't want to start crying when I see my boyfriend half a world away, I thought. "Sure," I said.
Trays of snacks and small desserts were set out among boxes of pizza. There was a chorus of soda bottles hissing as their caps were twisted off. The entire office gathered on a few sofas that were arranged in front of a large flat screen television. I sat between Ruby and Alessandra. Jill and Natalia giggled behind us. A plate of food I didn't really plan to eat balanced on my lap.
"It's starting!" Tory rushed in the room while talking on her cell phone. She ended the call and changed the channel on the television.
The screen was black as the room fell silent. After a few moments, thousands of lights dotted the screen. At first I didn't see, but then I realized there were lights being held by the fans at the concert. A chord rang out powerfully and the song started.
The camera panned to fog machines that were creating billowy puffs of fog. One by one, the boys walked through the mist with microphones in hand and notes already ringing out. Louis, Liam, Niall, Harry. Each strutted onto the center of the stage and the crowd erupted.
"They look good," Ruby smiled happily. "They look really good."
"Social media is lighting up!" Alessandra was staring at her phone. "This is going to be massive."
I could hear Natalia whisper hurriedly to Jill and Tory about Niall. I remember her paying special attention to him at the club weeks ago. While they giggled about the faces he was making or ogling over the notes he was reaching, my eyes were on someone entirely different.
I watched Harry intently throughout the entire concert. He wore all black. He nearly tripped over the microphone stand. He spit water into the air in a wild spray. He danced shamelessly. He made inappropriate gestures. He didn't sing the words "you weigh." He frowned when he sang the words "I'm in love with you." He told jokes. He emptied his water bottle on fans just below the stage. He winced when fireworks went off. He wished some people a happy birthday. He changed notes in songs. He changed lyrics. He danced with Niall. By the end of the concert, he had gathered his hair in a bun. He thanked everyone for coming. He blew kisses and waved before exiting stage. He sang his heart out.
He had looked effortless and happy. I realized this was the most at ease I had seen him. My heart broke a little. He could be more comfortable in stage in front of tens of thousands of people than he had been with me the last few months.
____________
I staggered back into my flat in the early hours of the morning. Ruby instructed me to come into the office midmorning and to get plenty of sleep. I kicked my shoes off at the door and took a bottle of water from the refrigerator.
As I stood in the dark kitchen alone, Harry's words played over in my mind. "Thank you for coming out and supporting us tonight. We love you all so much. We've been One Direction. Thank you. Get home safely," he'd said.
The first concert was over. One down, too many to go. But with each end to a concert, the closer to seeing Harry I was. I let that thought provide some solace to my aching heart.
I walked up the stairs to my room and stared at the bed. I could recall countless times when I had come home after a long day of work and been thrilled to find an empty bed all for me. I had been free to take up as much space as I pleased with arms and legs stretched in every direction. But that was before Harry.
As I crawled into bed and felt the cold sheets surround me, I didn't feel the same way. I longed to be pulled tightly against someone. I even longed to feel a little too hot between Harry's body heat and the duvet wrapped around us. I wouldn't have minded his quiet snores or his strong grip.
The darkness swallowed the room and I kept a hold on my phone. Every few minutes, I would double check that my volume was turned on and I hadn't accidentally missed a call from Harry. He had promised to call. The concert had been over for nearly two hours now. I even checked the world clock in my phone to make sure I was converting time zones properly in my head. I stayed awake for hours waiting for a phone call from Harry that never came.
____________
Sleep was shallow and inconsistent since Harry left. It was hard to get used to sleeping alone. Having him in bed with me wasn't just about someone's arm draped over me in the night. Harry was there when I had memories return to me in the form of dreams. If I got a headache, he was there to soothe the pain. I missed being able to rely on someone fully.
I woke up with a dull pain behind my eyes likely induced from poor quality sleep. I felt around the sheets for my phone and checked the screen. I had a text from Ruby reminding me to come in to work later in the morning. I had a text from Julia thanking me for my work on the tour launch. And I had a message from Harry.
Harry: It's not an excuse, but I didn't call because I couldn't get alone. I didn't want to talk to you with everyone around me. Call me when you get this no matter the time .x
I didn't hesitate. I pushed the icon and called Harry. The phone rang several times and it occurred to me how early it was in Rio still. He was probably exhausted. I thought about hanging up and trying again later. Just when I was about to end the call, he answered.
"Hello, Kate." His voice was thick from sleep and a night of performing.
"Hi," I said quietly.
"I'm so sorry I didn't call, love. Did you get my message?"
"Yes."
"It was mad! I couldn't get even a minute alone. And when I call you, I want it to be private so we can talk. I didn't want to have to shout to you over the phone in a room full of people."
"It's okay, Harry," I smiled.
"How was your first day back at work?" he asked.
"How was yours?" I teased.
He laughed on the other side, "I want to tell you all about it, but I want to hear about your day first." Always a gentleman.
"It was intense," I mumbled. I told Harry about everything. I spared no details as I chronicled my day of phone calls and emails in between trips to the bathroom to cry and trying to remember names.
"Baby," he cooed. "I wish I could be there."
"Me too," I whispered. "It's not so bad, though. I'll get used to it."
"If you need to take more time..."
"No," I quickly cut him off. "No. This is what I need. I would just drive myself crazy if I were stuck at home without you."
"How are your headaches?" he asked.
"I haven't had any really," I reported. I had some pain, but never a full headache.
"Good."
"Enough about me!" I laughed. "Tell me all about the show!"
Harry told me about everything. He told me about the drive to the stadium through the heavy traffic and the girls chasing the cars down the street. He told me about the stadium itself and how massive it was. He told me about sound check and Louis' voice cracking over and over during the set. He told me about interviews they did. He told me about fans and the music and the adrenaline. He told me how happy he felt.
"You sound like you're having the best time," I said.
"Nothing compares to being on tour. My world becomes very narrow as I have a strict schedule and routine. But my world also becomes very wide as I reconnect with fans all over the world and see places I have never been before. It's amazing. I just wish you could be here for it."
"I miss you."
"I miss you, too."
I could hear the sound of a door opening and closing. There were muffled voices and then Harry set the phone down. I could hear him talking to someone else. I listened intently to the exchange, but couldn't identify the other voice.
Harry picked up the phone and groaned, "Louis really wants to talk to you."
I laughed, "About what?"
"I don't know. I told him he couldn't right now. It's my time with you."
"Let me see what he wants. It'll only be a minute," I promised.
"I will literally take the phone from his hand in one minute," Harry vowed. "Here you go."
"Hello, love!" Louis sang out.
"Hi, Louis," I giggled. "What do you want to talk about?"
"Hold old, I'm locking myself in the loo to get away from Harold."
"You're what?"
"Just a moment more!" I could hear the sound of a lock and the shouts of Harry that were now blocked by a door. "Still there?"
"I'm still here."
"Good! How have you been?" Louis' voice dropped to a low, anxious tone. It was nearly opposite of his cheerfulness just moments earlier.
"I've been fine," I said nonchalantly.
"Be honest with me, please." He was pleading now.
"Louis, what is this about?" I was nervous about admitting my real emotions. Just saying them aloud was hard enough. Telling Louis would mean Harry would find out and I didn't want him to worry.
"I want to know how you're doing by yourself. Is it so wrong that I'm concerned about a friend?"
I remembered Louis reassuring me that we were friends at the charity event months prior. I swallowed hard. "I'm doing okay. It's sort of weird going through things without Harry and being completely alone. It's hard, you know?"
"Yeah, love." He sighed. "But I get it's different with you because of your amnesia and everything."
"Right," I muttered, lost for words.
"Anyway, I just wanted to remind you that you can talk to me whenever you feel like it. I'm here for you. And we all miss you, not just Harry."
I giggled, "Thanks, Lou."
"Can't wait to see you in a month!"
"Can't wait to see you either!"
There was a constant pounding coming from the other line. Then there was shouting and the sound of the door unlocking. "Bye, love. Here's Harry."
"That was longer than a minute!" Harry yelled after Louis. "Still there, Kate?"
"Still here," I smiled.
"I have to go in a few minutes. We have interviews today."
"That's okay because I have to get ready for work."
"Be patient with yourself," he said softly. "Your memory will come back."
"Not fast enough," I huffed.
"Be strong."
"I'm trying."
"I cannot wait to see you again."
"Me either."
"Have a good day at work."
"I will."
"I'll call you again soon."
"Looking forward to it."
"They're calling for me. Goodbye, angel."
Click.