xii. True Feelings
Daehyun's POV
After last night, I realised that Youngjae is fragile, he gets hurt or scared easily but doesn't show it. He still shows a smile even he's hurt inside. He shows his cheerful, bubbly, happy side to the public but he's feeling cold, depressed and hopeless inside.
"I'm not really an open person. I mean like, I never shared, any of my thoughts about someone or something to anyone"
"Really? Sometimes, you need to Youngjae, you can't let your sadness and anger bottle up inside you. It will only make you more hurt"
"Actually no, I've kept my frustrations, anger, sadness and yada yada yada all to myself since I can remember. I've never been thinking about suicide or self harm or whatever because I'll always find away to calm down and let the pain go away by itself"
"Oh. But, if there is anything, I mean anything you would want to tell me or ask me, I'm always here"
"Thanks, but I'm not really comfortable. Like I said, I 've never share my feelings"
"It's okay, I'll wait whenever your ready"
"Thanks Daehyun"
"Anytime Youngjae"
Our conversation before going up the dorm from last night flashed in my mind. I was really sympathatic towards him. He must have loads of secrets and feelings in his heart. I would just want to know. Am I being nosy or caring?
It doesn't matter. All I know is I made a promis to myself, to be for Youngjae whenever he needs me. I promise to be Youngjae's cheerleader. I promise to love him until the end of our days.
I also promised to notet my feelings for him overpower me. But I just can't shake of that thought. I hope I can call him mine.
My thoughts we're distracted by the shouts from the living room. Sounded like Jongup and Junhong. Well, as a responsible hyung, I stood up and went to the living room. "What's going on here?" Himchan hyung asked while squinting his eyes and scratching the back of his neck. I'm guessing he just woke up.
"It's his fault!"
"No it wasn't!"
"It was!"
Me & Himchan hyung watched the two maknaes accusing each other for something. "Hold up hold up, the hell is going on right now?" I asked them. "Junhong hit the wires and stuff and now it's broken" Jongup says in a pout. Then all of us turned to the sound of the door opening, to reveal Youngjae who just came back from recording. I automatically smiled at the sight of him.
"Gahh! Why are you pouting? I can tie a ribbon on your lips" He said as he saw Jongup. His sarcasm is so cute. "Exkuis meh, don't blame my fabulous long legs" Junhong said. "Well I don't care, now the tv screen is black" Jongup answered. "Youngjae, go" Himchan hyung said while pointing to the tv. Youngjae went to the crime scene and tried to fix the tv.
"The wires are broken man. You guys can't play video games anymore" He said while rubbing his hands on his shirt. "WHAT?!" Junhong & Jongup said simultaneously. "No no no no no no" Junhong said. "Honestly, I thought you we're gonna sing to APink" Himchan hyung said. Me and Youngjae cracked a smile.
His smile.
Damn.
"How can this be? I'll die without video games" Jongup said while kneeling on the floor. Like in dramas, when the character kneels on the road, while looking up the raining sky and shouting 'Why?!', that's Jongup now. There was a sound from the door and Yongguk hyung came in. "Why's everyone in the living room?" He asked, confused. "There's a drama airing" I answered him.
"What is it?" He bluntly asked.
"My video game!!! My baby!! Is gone!!! Why?!?!" Jongup screamed in sorrow before I could answer. The blunt leader then realised the 'drama' and shook his head and went straight to his room. When he does that it's a I-want-you-to-take-care-of-this-stupid-situation-because-I-don't give-a-rat's-ass-about-it signal. I rolled my eyes at the dramatic Jongup. "Oh boo hoo, your games gone. It's not the end of the world" I said in annoyance. I rolled my eyes again. I saw Youngjae look at me and gave a smile, while mouthing 'relax'. I smiled because, he smiled. It's that simple. Yoo Youngjae can make me smile so easily.
"Well you're not gonna need it anyway, because it's almost the date of our comeback. That means we won't be at home" Himchan hyung said and Jongup quieted. "Yeah. Well then what's done is done" He said then stood up from the floor and went to his room. I just eyed the guy weirdly I shrugged it of by shooking my head. It's Moon Jongup. Why do I even?
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"5,6,7,8" then all of us started to dance to the chorus of our new comeback song, '1004 (Angel)'.
"Naega saraganeun iyuneun neoya" All of us jumped as it was the choreography for that part. But the music suddenly stopped. "Daehyun hyung, at the jumping part, you we're kind of late and it wasn't high enough" Jongup pointed out. "Sorry" was all I said. "We'll do that part again" Jongup said and restarted the song.
To be honest, I'm really frustrated. We've been practicing the choreography until late hours because the date of our comeback is getting nearer and nearer. I also, practice my vocals and high notes until my throat hurts and I almost lost my voice. I shouldn't complain though, the others also are experiencing the same or worse things than me. While doing the choreography, I started to think about me confessing to Youngjae.
I've been thinking about it lately, I really want to tell him how I really feel. I don't care if he likes me back or not. Okay, maybe I do. But I just want it off my chest. After, a few rounds of practicing, all of us perfected the choreography, then we were cleaning up the practice room to head back to the dorm. I took my black backpack from the floor, at the corner of my eye, I saw someone going out the door.
I turned to face the others, I saw Yongguk hyung conversing to Himchan hyung while Jongup is practicing his solo dance and Junhong wiping the spilled water on the floor. I went out the room to find Youngjae. I didn't know why I was worried about him. Maybe he went to the bathroom to take a dump or he went to the studio or something. I wandered around the TS building looking for him. Why am I making a big deal of not knowing where he is?
I went to the bathrooms and studio but he wasn't in any of them. Maybe he already went to the practice room. I went back there, I peeked through the door to see the other members excluding Youngjae. I let out a breath then walked away.
"If I'm not anywhere, I'm most propably at the rooftop. The rooftop is really a relaxing place. It pulls me back to my senses"
I remembered what Youngjae had told me a long time ago. I went to the rooftop and opened the door of the place. I was greeted by the cold night air hitting me. My assumptions we're right as I saw a sihoutte sitting on a bench under a light. I went closer to the silhoutte to see the man I've been looking.
"Why are you here alone?" I asked him. He lifted his shoulders. "To be calm" he simply answered. "Is everything okay?" He nodded. "Why are you worrying so much about me Daehyun?" I sat beside him. "Well, maybe because you're always on my mind" I leaned back on the bench. I saw Youngjae's head turned slighly towards me. "What?" He asked me. "I always think about you" There was an awkward silence afterwards. "Why?" He turned to look at me. "You're always on my mind. I always think if you have eaten or not, if you are feeling okay, if you-.." I paused. I was trying my best to be careful of what I said. I'm still scared of confessing. "If I what?" He asked, finally facing me. "Nothing" I answered him. "Come on. Tell me" I stayed silent. " Haish,Daehyun you're no fun" He said then stood up to leave. I grabbed his left wrist.
"If you like me" I said. My heart beart was starting to beat faster. "You're not gonna say anything after this, so just hear me out. Youngjae, I like you. I am in love with you. My feelings for you started since..a very long time ago. I've been holding it in and I can't take it anymore. I get really nearvous, when you talk to me. I get butterflies when you say my name. I know it must be imposibble for you to like me back. But, please don't be different after this. Don't be distant from me. Don't be awkward with me. Don't ruin our friendship. Please. I love you Youngjae" I ended my confession. I just looked at Youngjae. I let go of his wrist and he turned to look at me.
"I'm sorry for not noticing your feelings. I never expected it you know? Honestly, I don't know. I'm not sure of my feelings for you. I'm sorry" I bit my lip at his words. It hurt. It really did. "What do you mean you're not sure?" I asked him, wanted a clearer answer. "I may have fellings for you but I may not. I'm split in two. I'm not sure"
"Do you want time to think about it?" I asked him. "Do you want to wait?" He asked me. "I'm willing to" I smiled. "Then I'll take the time" he smiled back. We just looked at each other, smiling. I felt relieved. It felt like a huge rock has been sitting on me for years and someone has pushed it of me. I'm more relaxed now.
I felt a vibrate in my pocket. I took out my phone and looked at the caller ID.
"Where are you and Youngjae?"
Himchan hyung's voice sounded really annoyed at the other line.
"We're coming" I said to him.
"Well, be quick" He said then hung up.
"Who was that?" Youngjae asked. I stood up from the bench. Both of us started to walk to the door. "Himchan hyung. He's really mad right now" I said then opened the door. "Well we have to hurry, you know what happens when he's mad at someone" Youngjae said. I chuckled. "We'll have to starve for the rest of the week" Both of us laughed then I closed the door after Youngjae passed through it. We both walked down the stairs. Leaving our secret at the rooftop.
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Song Title : Confession
Artist : Standing Egg