I'm scrambling to get some clothes on when we hear a knock at the door. Of course Dennis and Corey didn't wake me up in time. There are probably lines from the sheets imprinted on my face right now, and my hair looks like I rolled around on the floor head first. No biggie. Toby's getting married anyway.
I'm so tempted to wear my pajamas.
Toby walks in just as I pull my jeans up to my waist. Instantly, I look behind him for his fiancée, but she's nowhere to be found. He has a big, stupid smile on his face. Gosh, I missed that dumb smile.
He gives Corey a pat on the back before drawing him into a hug, and I just stand in the corner. Why didn't he just tell me? I mean, I know we aren't dating (never dated) but still. Common courtesy: tell the guy you made out with for three years that you're getting married to Mini Dolly Parton.
"Hey, Germ," Toby says nicely. I hug him anyway, inhaling the scent that has always been him, even when he was thirteen. "How are you?"
"Great," comes my monotone reply. My body goes against me and I end up nuzzling my head against his shoulder. "You?"
"Good." He lets me go so he can sit on the bed. "My god, Dennis. You look twelve feet tall," Toby chuckles. Dennis shrugs. "How tall are you now?"
"5'11", I think," Dennis chuckles. Liar. He's only 5'10". I keep my thoughts to myself anyway, letting them talk about how different everyone looks since two years ago. The only thing different about Toby is the ring on his girlfriend's finger and the happiness drained from his eyes. No. Not drained. Taken. Someone took his happiness; sucked it up through a straw. Maybe it wasn't Grace. But it's gone now, and god knows if he'll ever get it back.
Not like I can help him. I'm not his fiancé.
"So what's it like in Colorado? Lot of weed?" Toby asks.
"We grow marijuana in our back yard," I respond instantly, keeping my face deadpan and voice without fluctuation. Three pairs of eyes stare me down, wondering exactly where I'm going with this. "Ha. Joking."
Corey interrupts the awkward silence. "It's easier to get, I suppose. Kids in Henning don't do anything but drink though."
Toby nods generically before replying. It's like he forgot how to talk to us. "I stopped drinking a year ago."
I remember the first time both Toby and I drank together. We'd gone to Grace's cousin's house for a party (this was before they were dating), and the two of us were too chicken to take shots. We were too chicken to do anything, really, and nobody paid attention to us. Not to mention the fact that at thirteen years old, I looked about eight.
Toby and I escaped the party around 11 o'clock or so and went down to the park. Little did I know, he'd taken two bottles of vodka from the cabinet.
There was a lot of wincing at the taste, a lot of giggling at each other, a lot of making out afterward. A lot of 'first time' things we did... I think that was the best night I ever had with him. Memories like that are the reason his engagement to Grace is such bullshit.
I'm disconnected from the conversation, I don't even realize that Dennis has been looking through my bag.
"What the fuck, Dennis?"
"I'm looking for gum or mints. You always have some."
I snatch the bag away from him, then quickly realize I'm causing more of a scene than I need to. Both Toby and Corey are staring at me now. "Where are we eating?" I grumble.
"Well..." Toby looks around as if he's silently asking for approval before he answers. "We always liked that little Mexican restaurant close to the old elementary school. It's about twenty minutes away from here." Dennis perks up at the sound of Mexican food.
Mom used to cook Mexican food, even after Dad left. Then she quit her job at the clinic, because her supervisor turned away a homeless patient. After that, we moved to New Mexico. She waitressed at this restaurant that we weren't allowed into. I've never been more curious to see the inside of a building.
I suppose I'll be spending my spending money on food, but that's alright. The less I have to go out and see people and do things, the better. After tonight, I won't have to see Toby. I might not even go see William this week.
Sounds bad, but I just wonder how long I can push the 'sad gay child' trope to get out of doing stupid shit. Don't want to see William? 'Oh, Mom, I don't know how he's going to accept the fact that I'm like this.'
Eh, that's just cruel.
I grab my beanie, angrily sticking it on my head and following my brothers and Toby out the door. I guess Corey already told Mom the plan, because nobody says anything to her as we head out.
Toby definitely has noticed my resentment toward him, and he keeps throwing a meek, forced smile my way. Burying my face in my menu, I do some quick math. If I get a smothered burrito with a strawberry lemonade-
"Talkin' to anyone, Jem?" Toby asks. He sounds like Rob. Old and fake... just plain weird. Why ask someone their relationship status as an opening line?
I grumble, "This one guy."
Toby shifts, not quite uncomfortably. But it is a shift. In your face, Toby. "Yeah? What's he like?"
"I don't know. He just moved to Henning a little while ago. He's nice, I guess. Doesn't sound like he'd keep anything from me if it came to it," I sigh. My little jab at Toby goes unnoticed by my brothers. "I'm getting a burrito and lemonade."
Dennis bumps my shoulder, whispering fiercely, "Toby knows you're-"
"Gay?" I say out loud. "Yeah. Unless he forgot that, like he did some other things." My voice is plain and short. "What about you, Toby? Talking to anyone?" Right as I finish my sentence, the waitress brings a medium bowl of corn chips and salsa to our table. Wrong timing, Lady.
"Drinks for you chicos finas?" she asks with a smile.
I smile back. "Gracias. Voy a tener una limonada de fresa para comenzar. Estoy listo para pedir mi comida ahora, si te parece bien?"
"¡Sí! ¿Qué te gustaría?"
"Un burrito de pollo con crema agria adicional, por favor." The lady nods and writes on a little notepad. "You guys ready?" I ask the rest of our table. I'm proud of myself; it's been months since I've spoken Spanish in full sentences. I don't think Toby has even seen me speak Spanish.
Dennis is frowning. Corey just kind of stares at his menu. Toby shifts yet again in his seat. "I'll have what he's having," Dennis finally says. I don't pay attention to what Toby and Corey order. Once "Juanita"-that's what it said on her nametag-leaves, taking our menus with her, I pull out my phone to check if Terrence texted me back. He hasn't yet.
Dennis does most of the talking while Toby nods, not listening as much as he's supposed to be. I can tell my last comment cut deep. He still bites his lip like he's done since I've known him. Maybe I should apologize. Not right now, though. He can deal with the fact that I'm mad at him.
Once the food arrives, I'm completely absorbed. I couldn't care less what they are gabbing about. My ears only tune in once I hear Corey say something along the lines of "Grace" and "giant-ass ring".
Toby only chuckles softly before looking my way. "I think I'm doing what I need to. I just..." Toby sets his fork down. "I know things could be better, but this was the best timing. I know she's the one for me."
"Congrats," I mumble under my breath. I know I'm not just plain bitter anymore; my foot taps violently under the table as it always does when I'm trying not to cry. Hearing Toby say something as simple as "she's the one for me" makes the situation so real. He's going to marry Grace, and whatever we had before might as well not exist anymore. He's going to marry Grace, and I'm going to be known only as his friend from when we were little.
"When is it?" Corey asks.
"Second Saturday in July," he smiles, looking down at his food and shaking his head as if this is the first time he's realizing how close he is to a domestic life. That's when I cough into my napkin to avoid the heavy and sporadic breathing that's threatening my lungs. Absolutely not. Jema does not cry today. "I expect y'all to be there."
"We won't," I huff. All three of them snap their heads my way. Corey kicks me under the table. "You know it's true. Mom isn't going to let us go. We'll send a greeting card."
"What is your problem?" Corey asks. I shrug. "Ever since you found out we were coming here you've been a pain in the ass, Jem."
"It's alright," Toby butts in. "Funeral kinda got to me, too." He flushes red all over and picks at his food again. The rest of the meal is quiet.
7:03 p.m.
I manage not to talk much at all while we head out for dessert and the local amusement park around 7. There are a lot of kids our age from the funeral here. The triplets, Valerie, Regan, and Janet, approach us at the bumper cars. I can still tell them apart. It helps that Valerie dyed her hair black. Her face lights up once she sees me. Maybe hanging out with her would be better than having my heart pinched every time Toby looks at me.
Janet hugs all four of us, Regan instantly gravitates toward me, and Valerie keeps to herself. I tune out to funeral talk and change the subject when Regan asks me a question specifically. We all form a little circle to talk. I feel crowded within five minutes, and dismiss myself to pick up a bag of cotton candy. Regan joins me.
"So, how's Colorado? You got taller," she says, adjusting her coat. It is a little chilly out here.
"It's alright. And before you ask me about weed, I don't smoke," I joke. "It's fine. My school is even smaller than the one here in Lowden, though. Everyone there only cares about sports."
"Lame," Regan says. She gets a big bag of blue cotton candy and offers to pay for mine. I decline. "They cut our art program here."
"Apparently ours in Henning got cut before I got there. It's dumb," I sigh. We end up walking toward the edge of the fence where there's only one couple by the trees. I don't do very much investigating, but Regan sighs in annoyance.
She complains, "Those two always make out. Always. Like if you wanna come to the park with your boyfriend, that's fine, just don't make out all the time."
"Who?" I ask before sitting on a log. Regan sits beside me.
"Jess and Cody. It's weird 'cuz he's like, barely thirteen. He's cute, but I think it's a little like pedophilia. She's almost seventeen." I've stopped breathing by now. Both Cody's name and "pedophilia" in the same sentence makes me lightheaded. It gets me thinking about all the "adventures" I've had with Cameron in the last year. I don't think he's a pedophile...
My god, what am I thinking? Santino- he was sick and disgusting for what he did to me and Cody but Cameron... he's different. He is. And I don't want a relationship with him at all.
"Jema? Haha, sorry if I complain too much. Sophomore year is kicking my ass," Regan steals a piece of my pink cotton candy just as my phone buzzes. Glancing at the screen, I can see it's from Dennis. Most likely a 'really?' or something else. I don't care.
"Same here," I breathe. "School is stupid, everyone's an asshole." Regan nods in agreement.
"You know something stupid that happened to me the other day?" Regan throws her hands in the air and launches into a story, sometimes stopping to ask if I recall whomever she's talking about. I nod every time, even if I don't remember. Maybe I should feel badly for not paying very much attention. From the little bits I actually pick up on, Henning is sounding better than Lowden. Regan goes on about a kid that shot heroin in the bathroom and went into a coma because it was laced. I'm glad Henning is just racist, homophobic, and adherently conservative; Lowden is racist, homophobic, conservative, and drug-filled.
Regan doesn't bother sharing practically everything with me. Her parents got divorced, Janet got an abortion, Valerie cuts herself, their dad got arrested, there was a lockdown at school three months ago because some girl broke up with her boyfriend and he threatened to blow up the school-- I should be more grateful we moved. Lowden sounds like a worst-case-scenario town. Middle school wasn't so bad. High school here sounds like hell compared to Henning. And it's hard to get worse than Henning.
"What about you? You've barely told me about Hemp High school," Regan jokes, leaning her head on my shoulder. I can feel myself tense up immediately. "Henning sounds like Hemp."
"Not much... some kids smoke in the school. Some teachers make out with their students." All the air in my lungs becomes thick and heavy. I can't believe I just said that. God, I hate being human sometimes. Always having to one-up someone else's story.
"No way! I'm sure there's some of that going on here, but nobody talks about it. Like what? What have you heard?"
"It's not a big deal. Probably not true," I lie. "Our principal is a bitch, though."
"Our principal got arrested in October," Regan sighs. "He hit his wife." Yikes. Okay, maybe I have some apologizing to do. Mom was right about Henning being better than Lowden.
We don't say much for a while, but Regan's hand rests on the inside of my leg, and her head is nestled into my neck. "Boys are dumb," I blurt out. Regan laughs.
"True that, brother," she giggles. "Why?"
"They are..." I continue cautiously. "All the boys in Henning are hicks or too good to talk to... me." I can tell Regan isn't quite so comfortable now. I wonder if that question is circling around in her head.
"Yeah... I know. Same here. But who needs boys, right?" She sits up, still keeping her hand on my leg. "Well, I mean, not all boys are bad. You're not an asshole, at least." Regan's hand is practically at my crotch. Goddammit.
"I-" before I can get my sentence out, Regan kisses me quickly. I end up staring straight forward like some idiot who's never kissed a girl before.
...I haven't ever kissed a girl before.
"I'm gay," I whisper, still staring straightforward. Regan scoffs, quickly removing her hand from my leg.
"Thought so," she sighs. "Everyone thought so while you were here." Her voice is taunting now. Not so friendly.
"I don't care. I am. So what?" My voice shakes, which I hate. "If everyone thought so anyway, then it's no big deal."
"It's dumb 'cause you were always cuter than Corey. You don't have to be a fag, Jema," Regan urges. She places her hand on my leg again. "C'mon. I bet you've never even been with a girl before."
My throat feels like someone punched it. I always liked Regan, and now she's just like everyone else: insensitive and selfish. I didn't think this whole conversation was going to lead to her trying to get in my pants, but here we are.
No, Regan, I haven't been with a girl. Because I don't like girls. My lips stay sealed, though, as Regan tries inching her lips toward mine again. "You've changed," I blurt out.
"You haven't. You're still soft and a crybaby. I told Valerie you were a fag and she didn't wanna believe it. Now look at us. You're so screwed up you can't even look at girls the way you're supposed to. I'm doin' you a goddamn favor, Jema," Regan sharply whispers hotly in my ear.
"You can't make me feel bad about it," I snap. "I'm done feeling bad because I'm gay so you can just give up now, Regan. Fuck off." I turn away from her, cursing the little tear in the corner of my eye. I don't think she can see it.
"Fucking seriously." I shouldn't be surprised that she swiftly walks away from me, shaking her head on the way back to the park. First, Toby goes on and gets engaged without giving me a second thought. Now Regan is treating me like shit, and is probably going to tell everyone I ever knew the truth. Not that I particularly mind that people will know. It's all about delivery. She's going to make me look like the bad guy and there's nothing I can do about it.
There's some country music coming from the West side, where the sun is setting. I figure I should check my phone. Dennis is probably having a fit.
Dennis the Menace: what's your problem?
Dennis the Menace: where are u?
Dennis the Menace: toby has to leave soon... better not b makin out with regan!
Dennis the Menace: Lol jk, ur gay so that's weird probably
Oh, yikes. Dennis sounds exactly the same over text message as he does in real life. I eat a sugary piece of cotton candy before standing up- avoiding Cody at all costs- and heading off to the park to give Toby a goodbye. There's a possibility I'll regret treating him like this later. It's not like I'm ever coming back.
Corey talks to Valerie and Janet, yet Regan is nowhere to be seen. We'll only be here until Friday morning, given that our houseguest is coming on Saturday, thank god. It seems as if most people I know are staying here for spring break. This means avoiding them and Regan.
Around 8:30, Toby waves us over. "I'll take y'all back to the hotel soon if you want," he says, avoiding my eyes. "Maybe I'll see y'all before you leave."
"Maybe," Dennis repeats.
8:55 p.m.
Once we arrive at the Comfort Inn, Dennis and Corey speedily exit the vehicle after quick goodbyes. I say a small "bye", but as soon as Dennis closes the door on his side, Toby starts to speed away. "Hey? I'm still in- Toby!"
"We're gonna talk, Germ," he says. "Really talk. None of that snappin' at me and shit."
"What the fuck is your problem?"
"What the fuck is your problem?" Toby repeats. "Nevermind, I can take a guess."
"I will jump out of this moving car," I threaten, opening the side door slightly.
Toby scoffs. "Like hell you will. Stay put. If you fuckin' leave me like you did two years ago, I'll kill you." Toby is going at least fifteen over the speed limit. "You- I wish you wasn't here but you are so we're gonna talk. You 'nd me and nobody else here for you to show off to."
Before he finishes his sentence, I find myself pouting like a child in the backseat.
As soon as we pass the old "Boot Bar" on the corner, I know we're heading to his house. I never realized how close he lived to the Comfort Inn.
I sigh, long and exaggerated. "I get it, Loser. I'm sorry and you're right and I'm wrong," I try. Toby doesn't even look back at me. "So I'm jealous. I'll get over it."
"I'm going-oh, you just wait." Toby hasn't slowed down this whole time, and it doesn't change when he swerves into the driveway. "Get out of the car."
"Toby-"
"Fuck you, you know that?!" Toby snaps his head around, and I can see a glinting stream on his cheek. "You don't getta leave me here and ignore me-" He unbuckles his seatbelt and storms toward his house. Immediately, I find myself hurrying after him. "Two whole years you ignore me like I wanted ya to go away, Germ," I hear him shout once he's inside. I linger outside the door. All of Toby's neighbors were old, so they probably don't hear him yelling. "Get in here!"
I let the door slam behind me.
*
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So... I feel a little awkward here. But hi! This story is indeed up and running after literally ninety days.
Let me know what you think, of course :) what do you think is going to happen next? Let me know with a comment and a vote.