August released a new song today called song cry and it had a trailer that went with it and I just immediately thought of the chapter I wrote called Still Hurts. In the video he's in the rain, in here he's in the rain. And the irony of the whole man crying is just really crazy. I reposted it below no edits except removing the authors notes at the beginning.
The original which I posted on April 15 was in response to a video he posted
Of him crying which he later deleted.
But as you know, from all the comments I've gotten during this series he has always been emotional in this book. It makes me wonder if he's really like this, especially listening to song cry.
But anyway listen to the song. Then You can read and tell me your thoughts.
Amber POV-
I felt a rush of cold air pass over me as the sound of rain, and the smell of spring filled the bedroom.
I opened my eyes to the blinking clock which read 3:00 am. Darkness still hugged the sky and my husband was not next to me.
I looked to my left side toward the balcony and saw Aug on his knees with his head against the balcony bars. Water splattered on his head his head, soaking his hair and clothes.
I sighed. Today was April 15. They day was compacted with every important event in our lives.
My birthday. Oh God I turned 39. One year away from being a senior citizen.
Our fifth year wedding anniversary. This year was probably the hardest we ever had. So glad we made it this far.
But unfortunately for the happiness that 4/15 brought. That solemn date tatted on me and my husband's ring finger, brought more sorrow for him than I could imagine.
It was the birthday of his best-friend and older brother, who was gunned downed on a New Orleans street like an animal. And although they say time heals all wounds, this gash on my baby's heart still bled like it was a fresh wound.
Some years were better than others. It seemed like he rotated. Last year he handled it well. He got through the day without shedding a tear. Although the sadness as we celebrated my birthday and our union, he still wore upon his face.
But this year must've hit him hard. The re-surfacing over so many things that happened in his life.
The major being the bad memories of his step father. He said he never told Mel what happened, but he had a suspicion Mel found out somehow and held his step father at gun point and threatened him. Because August said the abuse stopped one day without warning. And Mel kept saying he wouldn't let anyone hurt him and if someone tried to let him know. Which lead him to believe Mel knew something.
I debated whether to go out there or let him have his moment. I decided it was too cold for him to be out there in the rain uncovered. And got up, grabbed my robe, pregnant and all to see about him.
"Baby come inside." I softly put my hand on his drenched shoulder.
He just continued to breakdown. Most women are hard on their men about showing emotion but I have always allowed Aug to be comfortable with me.
Men shouldn't have to live up to some fake ass standard of manhood. They hurt just like anyone else and to call them soft or be angry because they show a sign of weakness shows what type of woman you are to not allow a man to express a genuine human emotion.
(Shade to the folks talking about Aug when he posted that Instagram video where he was crying.)
Granted my bae cries more than most,
I never judge him. And that's why we have such an open and honest relationship. He can be him and I can be me. Sorry for the rant just an irritation I have.
My man's tears doesn't make him less of a man. Just like another man like let's say Travis's hiding of tears doesn't make him any less. Their both men. Even if they express themselves differently.
"Aug." I knelt down to his level and kissed his cheek.
He let go of the bars and wiped his eyes.
"I don't want you getting sick baby." He told me. "You got the baby inside you."
I stood up. "Well I'm not coming in without you so come on." I held out my hand for him to take.
He did and I led him to the bedroom. I cut on the light and got him a towel out the drawer and handed it to him to dry off. He took off all his clothes and dried off and I handed him a t-shirt and some basketball shorts.
I collected his wet clothes and put them in the hamper. He put on his clothes and sat on the edge of the bed with his arms rested on his knees and his head in his hands.
"Come lay next to me baby." I got in the bed and patted the empty space next to me.
He listened and got on his side of the bed far away from me. I scooted next to him and laid my head on his pillow super close to him. I repeatedly kissed his soft cheek.
"Sometimes this shit don't seem worth it Amb." He started to cry again.
"What baby?" I wiped his eyes with my fingers.
"I got everything I want. The house. The money. The family. The career. But what that mean when I ain't got my brother? Sometimes I want to give it all back baby. Just to be with Mel. He ain't seen none of this. Me graduate. My wedding. Sata and Auggie." He started back up.
"Sssshhhhh." I kissed his forehead and softly grabbed the sides of his face looking in his eyes. "Baby, Mel sees all of this I promise you. We can't see him, but he sees us. That's how Angels work baby." I smiled.
"And he's so proud of you. And he's thankful for you too. For what you did for Cha and the girls when they were hurting and look at them now. Chay about to go off to college. Kay bout to go to high school. Noonie as grown as she ever wants to be."
We laughed.
"You don't have to cry from him Aug. Mel is okay. I promise you. He resting in a place we all trying to get to. With somebody that can take better care of him than we can. He probably up there with daddy. And they looking at us crazy cause we even having this conversation." I started to tear through my smile.
"It's not easy I know. But the best thing we can do is thank God for the time we had them, and just ask God to keep them in good hands until we see them again."
He grabbed my hands and kissed them.
"Sorry baby. I know it's your birthday and our anniversary I didn't mean to ruin it."
"Aww baby it's not ruined." I kissed his lips and laid with my head in the crook of his neck.
"I'm just glad we made it. This has probably been the roughest time in our marriage. The miscarriage. My stupidity."
"Yeah you was stupid." I sat up, sucked my teeth and straight faced him.
"You were." He chuckled.
"Anyway." I laid back in the crooks of his neck.
"If we got a divorce when we were going through our drama, I don't know what I would do. Your forgiveness and this new baby is enough for my birthday. I don't need anything else. I have all the material things I could ask for."
"That's too bad. Cause I got you this." Aug pulled a ring box from the night stand and handed it to me.
I opened it and laughed. He smirked and took it out the box.
"Would you be my wife for a hundred more years?"
"Yes." I laughed as he put the ring pop on.
I gasped.
"The baby said yes too."
Aug hurriedly put his hand on my stomach. It was the first time we were feeling the new baby kick.
"I think that baby just greedy and want you to eat it."
"Leave my baby alone." I lovingly rubbed my stomach.
Aug chuckled then raised my night shirt and softly kissed my belly.
"Pop-pop love you sweetheart."
He talked to the baby and it kicked again.
"Pop-pop love you too ol lady." He kissed my lips.
"Stop." I eyed him.
He kept pecking my lips but I didn't kiss back.
"What?" He smirked. "Next year imma have to roll you around in a wheelchair."
"Well go find you some young thing if that's what you want?"
"Young woman can't do nothing for me. I'm happy with my senior citizen." He kissed me again.
"You know what?" I eyed him.
He fell back onto the bed laughing. I laid my head on his chest.
"I can't believe I put up with you for so long. You used to give me so much grief. Storming out. Your mouth. Although you still have that. But I loved you." I put my face on his pillow facing him. We were nose to nose.
"From the moment I heard your voice down the hall in the bathroom from my office."
"Now you lying."
"How?" I laughed.
"You was not checking for me. You looked at me like you were disgusted."
"It wasn't you. It was that wretched hair."
"Whatever the ladies loved my twist."
"if you say so."
"You remember you thought Stac was my girl when you stalked me at my apartment? You went home and cried didn't you?"
"Uh... No. You weren't worth it. Then you had the nerve to show up at my house the next day talking about I have some light and fit yogurt."
"I was joking baby." He laughed.
"I didn't find it funny."
"Remember our first big fight?"
"Yeah when you saw me and Omari at court and made a scene. I messed up in court because you broke up with me. And got in trouble for it. But that's... That's when I knew I loved you. And the thought of losing you hurt."
"Remember undergrad graduation?" He asked.
"Don't remind me. Most miserable day of my life."
"Mine too. I couldn't even get through the speech I kept looking for you in the crowd and you weren't there. I was so stupid back then. How dare I react that way? What if Travis wasn't there to protect you?"
"Yeah." I said faintly remembering that day.
"It was no excuse for that. And I know I apologized before but I want to do it again. If Auggie ever tried that with a woman, I would beat his ass myself."
"Can we stop talking about the bad? There were good times too. Paris. My Ball. Our wedding. You surprising me with this house. Opening your practice."
"Just about every time we have sex."
"Oh my God August. Can you be serious for once?"
"I am. Although you been slacking off lately."
"I'm pregnant fool."
"And what that got to do with your mouth?"
"That's my cue. Goodnight."
"Aight don't make me find a real senior citizen that can pop then dentures right out and ..."
"Go to sleep." I hit him and turned off the light. He got up close behind me.
"I love you Amber Patrice Alsina." He kissed my cheek and laid his head in top of mine.
"Love you more August Anthony Alsina Jr." I intertwined my hands with his and we went to sleep.